Last edited by Niamh on Thu Sep 21, 2006 1:18 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
I thought for a short beginning, this was brilliant. All your sentences were lovely: "Snow seldom kisses the hills of Ireland." Your lexis choice was delicate and it all just worked. The dialect representation was great, too.
Got any more?
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
i agree with firestarter. i tihnk this was very good and would like to see more. the theme/idea of irish immigrants going to america during the famine is original, well original enough and u wrote this very well. The only thing i wonder bout is the names because ive never heard Irish names like those.
Thank you all so much! I'm so excited to see nice comments! Yes, I am taking it further, just slowly, so expect more soon. I hoped that the dialect was good, because the accents play a role themselves in stories of Irish immigration. Thanks so much to all of you! This is very encouraging! Torpid--the names are Irish Gaelic, but Proinsias (I just loved the name) is actually the Gaelic translation of Francais. I'm going to change the name Odhran though. I've decided I don't like it.
Slainte!
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
Last edited by Niamh on Thu Sep 21, 2006 1:18 pm, edited 6 times in total.
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
For the first chapter, (I think it's a chapter) the writing dances. Which, between you and me, is a very good thing because it makes it that much more interesting. No longer does it seem like boring words but a living thing. Always good.
Two years into the famine, my mam came to me with the tidings I had often feared:
I wish you would set it up a little more. Why does she fear it? What's going on? What difficulties is she facing? All these questions and more just pop into my head, and I want a little bit more background information before I get to the meat of the plot. This is, again, good, because this is an indication that this story interests me. Always a good thing.
Good luck.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
Last edited by Niamh on Thu Sep 21, 2006 1:19 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
Irish Gaelic looks so pretty! - I want to learn it!!
Can't find much that needs improvement. I'd agree with the others in that both dialogue and dialect are very good. The subject also seems very original. I'd really love to see how this carries on.
One typo/spelling error that I did find::
as if he were exhasperated with me
Should be 'exasperated'.
Something you might like to consider would be an introduction, explaining history of Ireland, and why the Irish were having to emigrate etc. This could also contain name pronounciations, and anything else that might not be very well-known.
Thanks for your comments! That's a good suggestion about adding an explanation of Irish history, but adding introductions usually gets me in trouble, lol, because I like to ramble on with details. Maybe I'll try to work something up. Thanks again!
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
Last edited by Niamh on Thu Sep 21, 2006 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
Last edited by Niamh on Thu Sep 21, 2006 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
I think it's fantastic! As Skoink says, the words literally DANCE! You really make the charecters and the settings come to life for me. I never really liked historical fiction set much more recent than a couple hundred years ago, but your work is changing my mind. Everything is very vivid and real; I can almost smell that tenement (sp?). I almost wish I had something half-way critical to say, I feel like I'm rambling here.
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
Thank you, I really appreciate such a flattering comment. This story is currently going through a major revision, so I hope the new version will be as good. Thanks for reading!
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
You got rid of them. Yes, that's just like you. Getting rid of everything unpleasant instead of learning to put up with it. — Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
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