Soooo... That's the beginning of a short story I wrote for German. I translated it to English so u could read it...
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
z
arya wrote:A car, about 500m away.
I like this, this not only shows description but possibly a characteristic of Patrice.Definitely to fast.
I would change it to 'too'A girl, walking on the street. "I have to help her!!“ Patrice thought,
I would change the word thought to 'flashed through Patrice's mind' or something similar to give it a little more depth, urgency.and wanted to call out to warn the girl. "Hey!“ she wanted to jell.
I assume you mean yell"Behind you!“. As Patrice opened her mouth, her tongue suddenly became so heavy. Just like lead.
I like this simile it adds more description but if i were you i would remove 'just' making it snappier.With all her strength Patrice fought against the numbness, just to find out that she couldn't feel her feet either.
Patrice stared. Her mouth stood wide open. Her eyes wide with shock.
The Girl had turned around by now
Patrice also saw everything clearly now.
Behind the steering wheel she, herself, was seated.
Her face was grimaced wildly, it looked inhuman with revenge.
Patrice screamed, but nothing came out of her mouth. Not that tiny girl. She wasn't even 7 years jet.
Now she willingly stamped on the accelerator.
Patrice watched with a devilish smile on her lips, how she speed towards the little girl.
It looked at Patrice
single soul.
"That's what you get... You deserved it..."
A girl, walking on the street.
"…And her parents don't even wont to see her. Shes been lying here for two days already and nobody has visited. Nothing that a 9 year old could have done could be so bad that her own parents don't want to see her anymore. That should be forbidden by law!“.
"Yeah whatever. I see it just like you do. Quickly. I don't want to miss this "Gossip Girl" episode. Its on TV in a minute. So could you hurry up please?!" The other nurse answered.
Patrice stared. Mouth wide open. Eyes wide with shock.
Patrice screamed, but nothing came out of her mouth. Not that tiny girl. She wasn't even 7 years.
"That's what you get... You deserved it..."
A car, about 500 miles away, definitely too fast.
A girl, walking on the street.
"I have to help her!!“ flashed through Patrice's mind,
"Behind you!“.
As Patrice opened her mouth, her tongue suddenly became so heavy, like lead.
"…And her parents don't even want to see her..."
"That should be forbidden by law!".
Yeah whatever.
I don't want to miss this "Gossip Girl" episode. Its on TV in a minute.
Patrice stared with her mouth wide open and eyes wide with shock.
Patrice saw everything clearly now.
how she sped towards the little girl [/b]faster and faster.[/b]
The girl didn't move, not one millimeter.
The little girl with blond piggy tails, looked at Patrice as if she had known from the beginning that she would die young
Ran over, a loud crash, then nothing...
Nobody was there, not a single soul.
She screamed again, then she sank back into her cushions and closed her eyes with a tiny smile.
"That's what you get[/b].[/b] You deserved it."
LisaMCooper wrote:I don't know why people had problems with this. I thought it was brilliant. Of course, I can understand most anything if I put my mind to it. Brilliant work though. I like the idea and the story. A little insanity is always good in any story or genre. Have fun writing. ^^
- LisaMCooper -
KikiSaysRAWR! wrote:A car, about 500 miles away, definitely too fast.
It's best to just state "Miles," instead of abbreviating with a lowercase M. Secondly, the second sentence should be included in the first, and you used the wrong form of "To."A girl, walking on the street.
The comma in not needed."I have to help her!!“ flashed through Patrice's mind,
The quotations are not needed, and the thoughts should be italizied. Only one explanation point is needed."Behind you!“.
A period at the end is not needed.As Patrice opened her mouth, her tongue suddenly became so heavy, like lead.
"So" should be changed into "Too" and there should be a comma after "Heavy," including the second part into the sentence."…And her parents don't even want to see her..."
I'm guessing you'd meant to say this."That should be forbidden by law!".
An explanation point is not needed and is over dramatized.Yeah whatever.
Not needed.I don't want to miss this "Gossip Girl" episode. Its on TV in a minute.
I find it cliche' to use real-life pronouns in fictitious stories. I love Gossip Girl though, as you can tell by my Blaire avatar.Patrice stared with her mouth wide open and eyes wide with shock.
Much better.Patrice saw everything clearly now.
How so? Explain.how she sped towards the little girl [/b]faster and faster.[/b]
No need to make it to seperate sentences.The girl didn't move, not one millimeter.
What is stated above.The little girl with blond piggy tails, looked at Patrice as if she had known from the beginning that she would die young
Only one comma is needed for thta sentence.Ran over, a loud crash, then nothing...
The "..." is not needed, and I fixed all the other errors.Nobody was there, not a single soul.
Again with the sentence fragments...She screamed again, then she sank back into her cushions and closed her eyes with a tiny smile.
You should be a comma there."That's what you get[/b].[/b] You deserved it."
Those "..."s are not needed again.
Overall:
Quite frankly, this story was not very good. It was stiff as cardboard and you convey no sense of feeling through the entire piece. I would expect a lot more from a fourteen-year old. Especially, if you're as interested in writing enough to join this community and have as many posts as you do. I have probably have had to edited 90% of your story, which is not a good thing. If you are a reader, then good, continue to read a lot of books, but if you are not, please read more, and see what is okay and not okay way to write. Hopefully, you will get better.
Gender:
Points: 1151
Reviews: 9