Young Writers Society

x

Hello, god I haven't commented on this site for about a year!

This is actually pretty good, must agree it is incredibly simple, but since this is from a young boys point of view it's alright.

I wouldn't say this is "inspired" by "The Boy in The Striped Pyjamas", I would say it's basically the same story apart from the fact you've changed the season and the names. The plot is basically the same. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I'm just incredibly touchy on that subject and recently watched the film with my college.

This story was very interesting indeed, but I agree with the above user. At times, a writer can be "inspired" by a movie or other story and want to write something similar. A problem arises when the plot line only differs in a jagged movement. You can change characters names and seasons all you want, but if a plot line is too similar, you're up for tons of controversy.

Now, on to a small review

The news says silver is hard to find. It also says soap and buttons are hard to find. But we have plenty of that here. [s]Plenty of soap and buttons.[/s] The buttons barely shine and the soap has an odd smell, but I'm clean. The people in the striped clothes aren't though.

I myself see no need for the repetition of quote "Pleny of soap and buttons." unquote. You've already told us that you have plenty of these things in the previous sentence, so you don't need to say it again.


All in all, good job!

Thanks for the reviews, you two.
Maybe I should have explained better. I've changed it above now. We weren't meant to write a piece 'inspired' by the book, more like mirroring it, etc. XD
x

Only thing I really spotted that was worth pointing out was this small blurb:

The silver fence shined under the sunlight that made its way past the clouds.

Should be shone, not shined.

I know. Pathetic, right? Truthfully, I loved this. Especially the end, when she was talking to that boy. Oh, but I did have a thought that maybe they shouldn't be saying "OK" because that's a pretty modern term, and your piece takes place a while ago.

Just one more flaw: Your sentence structure. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but it was abrupt and jerky. I think if you combine a lot of the sentences, and add more commas instead of period, it would vastly improve this.

Yeah, that's all. Sad, right? I was trying to repay you for the reviews you gave me. That went well.

Anyway, keep writing,

KJ

Thankyou so much for reading, KJ! I really appreciate it.
x

We had to write something in English mirroring 'The Boy In Striped Pajamas'. It's a bit simplistic compared to the over-descriptive approach I normally take, since it's from the eyes of a child. I am WAY out of my comfort zone in this piece, so it may be awful. Ye have my leave to tear apart.

I'm slacking in reviews seeing as it's Christmas time so I slowly make my way through reviews I am here with my magic wand to [s]improve[/s] applaude your work Sarah xD


The Boy with the Buttons - 1

My father is a large man. Larger than a normal man. He's very important. People say so, but they don't need to. I can tell he's important. He knows so. He wears a uniform. A fancy uniform with big, brass buttons and a silver belt.

I liket he simplistic approach it's nice in contrast to your usual wordy approach. The said approach is good too though

The news says silver is hard to find. It also says soap and buttons are hard to find. But we have plenty of that here. Plenty of soap and buttons. The buttons barely shine and the soap has an odd smell, but I'm clean. The people in the striped clothes aren't though.

I agree with the previous critiquers, you don't need to repeat soap and buttons.

My family lives in a small house. Not too small, but not very big. It's always cold here though. Father says we are not to use the fireplace often. We used to, but the trees have all been cut down. They're all dead. Just open fields. Mother can still use the stove though, but not for much. We eat from cans, unless father comes back from hunting with food. But that doesn't happen very often. It snows a lot here. I miss Germany. I don't have friends here. The sons of Father's friends are all grown or gone.

It's set in the second world war, right? Did they eat from cans then? I don't think they ate much from cans in those days. Also; if there's a war going on (assuming that the war is actually going on at this time) would Father be out hunting? Sorry, enough of my rambling.


*

I woke one night and it was snowing outside. Far across the field there's a small, black building. I'd never noticed it before. It lay beyond the fences. The fences are sharp, made of wire and metal. Through the window of the building I could see an orange glow. Orange and bright. Like fire. Outside there stood

Shouldn't it be stands, the tense changed

a small line of people wearing striped clothes. Like a clown's clothes but black and white. Sad colors.

I like the use of the words

sad colours.

they're effective in this context.

They marched slowly into the building, led by a man wearing the uniform of my father. A shadow passed

[s]passed[/s] passes

over the glow. Soft music, a single violin, pierced through the night, loud and shrill, the same three notes.

[s]pierced[/s] pierces.

A song with no meaning, no emotion.

I love that line

The man in the uniform shut the door. Strange sounds rang out into the air. The music couldn't cover them.


Six soft pops, like the sound at New Year's Eve when all the corks on fizzing champagne were yanked out.

In this period would they drink chhmpagne at new year? Also, is yanked the right word here? I think it's perhaps a bit too modern.

The shadow moved and the glow returned. The music died mid tempo. Black smoke billowed out from the chimney. The door swung out and my father exited the building with three other men. They spoke a few words and parted.

Ok, if I'm wrong then I must have gone completely loopy but does this change tense? I'm sure it could be easily fixed though, because for the most part, besides the tense change, it is great

My father approached our house. He wore his gloves that night. There was something on them. Something red. Dark red, almost black. He glanced up into my bedroom window as he passed. I scrambled into bed, pulling the sheets up to my chest.

Oh no! Ignore everything I've said. I just remembered that this is him talking about when he woke one night I'm so stupid, going on about tense changes when they were correct. I should have known sorry

Outside I could hear my father walk, his heavy boots beating against the wooden floorboards. Beating in quiet rhythm, like a tribal drum.

How does this boy, if he's meant to be young, living in .... I'm unsure where know what a tribal drum is?

I opened one eye and glanced across the room. Through the crack below the door I could see the light from the hallway. My father's footsteps stopped. His shadow blocked the light of the hallway. He stood there for a long time. I shut my eyes. I may have fallen asleep. When I opened them again, he was gone.

I like your choice of words. They're very apt and fit the boy


*

My father has a gun. A Luger, he calls it. It's very beautiful. Silver and black. He's a policeman, he says, and a guard. He carries the gun in a brown holster he clips to his belt. It's always loaded, he tells me, ready to fire. It's a beautiful weapon. From afar it sounds a little like my toy pistol.

Lovely imagery. Perfect, your perception of how a young boy thinks is great Sarah


*

I was walking in the snow one day, bundled up in two coats. Mother insisted I wear

shouldn't it be wore?

them both. I passed through the empty field and headed towards the camp. The silver fence shined

shone not shined

under the sunlight that made its way past the clouds.


The black building stood beside the northern fence. Smoke spilled from the chimney, not as strong, never as strong as when night fell. The smoke, the fires, never stopped. At the corner of the gate a boy around my age sat huddled in the snow, hugging himself. His striped clothes looked too big to fit him. He glanced up as I approached, just for a few seconds, then he looked away. I sat across from him, my hands resting on the fence. I spoke first.


"I'm Severin."


He didn't lift his head as he spoke.


"Olaf."


He shivered in the cold. I removed my first jacket.


"Are you cold?"


"Yes."


"You can have my coat."


"Ok."


I tried to toss the coat over the fence. It was so high up. It bounced off and drifted back to the earth. On the third try it landed atop the barbwire and stuck there, halfway free, halfway trapped.

I like the imagery

"I'm sorry," I said.


"It's ok."


He wore a yellow star on his sleeve. A set of numbers were imprinted in his skin, like cattle. Branded. I stared at the star.


"You're a Jew."


"Yes."


"My father says you're evil."


"Mine says the same about yours."


He clutches something tight in his hands. I recognize the dull shine. A button.


"Where did you get your button?"


"It was my brother."


"Your brother is a button?"


"Now he is. Buttons and soap."


I shook my head. He wasn't making sense. I watched the smoke rise from the chimney of the building behind him.


"What do they burn in the fires?"


He didn't speak. His arms shook.


"Where is your father?"


"They took him. They took him today."


"What-" I began, then the music started to play.

This piece was very good, Sarah. Your perceptions of a young boy are great. Please excuse my idiotic misjudgement at the start of your tenses seriously I am stupid. There were a few tiny nitpicks, but the only reason I pointed them out was so I'd actually have something to say besides that was amazing blablabla... As I said at the beginning. I love the contrast between your usual wordy language and your simplistic approach to this one. That said, your usual work is beautiful, this is too, in its own right beautiful.

Well done


-Kirsten xxx

This was really good, congratulations! I don't actually know the story of the Boy in Striped Pyjamas (which you convinced me to look up later) but this does it credit! The perspective is well-written, although sometimes he is a bit mature, which will obviously come from being around policemen etc. A few little things, however.

Plenty of soap and buttons.

This happens quite a lot: you repeat things unnecessarily. I'm sure you're trying to add to the young-boy-perspective thing, but it actually does the opposite and points it out that you are trying to write like a young boy.

A song with no meaning, no emotion.

This is also a bit of repetition. The "no emotion" is excessive. "No meaning" already indicates its impersonality and the description of the sound didn't portray any emotion at all, so I had already gathered that there was no emotion to this song, which you might do better to call a melody.

Six soft pops, like the sound at New Year's Eve when all the corks on fizzing champagne were yanked out.

For a simile, this sure is long! You might have New Year's Eve in mind, but you could shorten and simplify it by saying something like "Six soft pops, like corks being yanked out of a New Year's Eve bottle of champagne." The way you write it I am bombarded with information that creates scenery, but this is not good when you are comparing as you are going too in-depth with something that does not actually relate to the plot (unless they really are corks making those pops).

The music died mid tempo.

Uh.... I have no idea what you mean by "mid tempo". "Mid tempo" would actually mean "medium speed" and in this sentence together you mean "the music died mid speed", which obviously is not what you wanted to say. Tempo = pace.

halfway free, halfway trapped.

Halfway indicates that there is a specific length of space, like "halfway between the river and the hill" or something. Here you need to say "half free, half trapped."

I've done my best to explain why I found these things wrong, but overall this is a good piece of writing. Great work!

"You're a Jew."


"Yes."


"My father says you're evil."


"Mine says the same about yours."

This has to be my favorite part. I love how it brings two worlds together--two fathers. However, if the jew's father is dead, how is it that he "says" the same thing, shouldn't it be past tense..."said" the same thing? And did they really make the people into buttons? I know the soap part is right, but I never heard about the buttons.

Altogether, this is very interesting. You definetly portrayed te character and the voice very well. Pretty great.

-Medusa.

*LOCKED*

Plagiarism.