Young Writers Society

*Diary assignment due in two days for History*

Jan. 1765
Food
-chickens: 30- 1 rooster
-wheat: 15 bags
-flour: 17 bags
-rum: 60 barrels
-pigs: 10
-goats: 2
♥-13
I know this is the recording book for our supplies but I felt like using one of my strengths to keep it handy. My name is Zen Blackheart and I’m a 13 year old, girl pirate and my father has decided, when he’s done and tired, I’m to take his place as captain on the Killing Creek. Many call me Miss 13 for the bad luck I cause for our enemies. My job is to count supplies, help in attack, and to watch from the crow’s nest. I hear the first mate calling ‘ Blackheart!’. I must go. I put this under my pillow, in the bed I sleep on. I am called again.
Safe on Killing Creek,
- Zen ♥

(next page)

1766
Food
-chickens: 20- 1 rooster
-wheat: 13 bags
-flour: 15 bags
-rum: 50 barrels
-pigs: 7
-goats: 3
♥-14
It was a bit of time since the last time I was to record supplies. The two goats had a baby and I was to care for it. Today we get more supplies and we were told of the Stamp Act. The smuggler (from the ship we’re buying from) said that newspapers, playing cards, diplomas, and legal documents were taxed and when you paid for the tax they would stamp the item or whatnot to make sure you didn’t take it or whatever. I thought that it kind of stupid and my racing heart of tension slowed when he said that it was repealed because of violent protests. I shall not write what he said they did. It is too much for me. I sit up in the crow’s nest, watching my fellow pirates haul loads of supplies onto our ship.
Safely on Killing Creek,
- Zen ♥

Food
-chickens: 30- 2 roosters
-wheat: 16 bags
-flour: 18 bags
-rum: 62 barrels
-pigs: 12
-goats: 4

(next page)

March 1770

Food
-chickens: 0
-wheat: ½ bag
-flour: ¼ bag
-rum: 0 barrels
-pigs: 0
-goats: 1
♥-18
After we made it to Boston my father gave up his position of captain to me and we celebrated. Rum all night for the crew, on March 4. The next morning a riot started and a few of my men went. Only 2 o the 4 came back. I was devastated. 2 of my best men had been wounded and we didn’t have enough money to wair for them. The water was our home and we needed it like fresh drinking water. Some of my men got home sick for the tilting ship as I went out for young recruits. I found a greatly built boy my age and man that clamed to be the boy’s father. They looked nothing alike. But I welcomed them onto my ship. The 18 year old was named Jessie and the ‘father’, Thomas. Now safe on deck again, I shall count supplies and instruct the 2 new men.
Safely on Killing Creek,
- Zen ♥

Food
-chickens: 30- 1 rooster
-wheat: 15 bags
-flour: 19 bags
-rum: 63 barrels
-pigs: 10
-goats: 2

(nezt page)

Dec. 1773

Food
-chickens: 1- 1 rooster
-wheat: 9 bags
-flour: 12 bags
-rum: 33 barrels
-pigs: 1
-goats: 4
♥-21
Jessie has been trying to get close to me but I push him away 10 fold. He says every time I push him away, “Hate is an act of love.” I push the thought out of my mind as I think about the day. We raided another ship today. The captian of what was it called again?.. The Crashing.
The captian of the Crashing was hap[py to join me at dinner with my crew. He shared information from land. Something about the Bosto Tea Party. He chuckled lightly before he told me grown men from a group called the Liberty bOys dumped 300 and some odd chests of tea into the bay. Parlament was furios and passed the Intolerable acts. It closed the bay from any in and out tripers. The captian was willing to give us somme of his cargo, as he had a lot more than needed for his trip he was making. It’s now Dec. 19 and I’m a bit mad the bay is closed. I lye in bed as I write this. My crew will have to take the winter to come at full force.
Safely on Killing Creek,
-Zen ♥
Food
-chickens: 21- 1 rooster
-wheat: 14 bags
-flour: 15 bags
-rum: 39 barrels
-pigs: 3
-goats: 4

(Next page)

April 1775
Food
-chickens: 11- 1 rooster
-wheat: 12 bags
-flour: 11 bags
-rum: 30 barrles
-pigs: 1
-goats: 3

♥-23
Being captian is hard work. Jessie sits in front of me on this 30th day of April. He begs and begs to be by my side. Yesterday I let him slip along side me as I walked on deck and today I felt to tired to do anything about his ersistance. I push this memery away as I pull another from it’s shelf.
I fought hard against a well skilled pirate captian. All I had wanted was information. News of land. Of the colonists. He hated the part that I was a girl captian of a pirate ship. I don’t blame him. He challenges.
“Fight if you are as brave as we are told.” The young captian snears. He is only 19. Silly young ones. They never get the point.

*How's it looken?* And if any facts are mest up there ment to be. My character's on a ship and with it coming form a diffrent mouth it will be a little jumbled.*

As nate said there is a bug in this. The food part isn't supossed to looke like that....

I'll see if I can go fix it.

Hello again! Thought I'd stop by, seeing as this is a homework assignment. I'll do what I can to help you out? What class is this for? It looks quite interesting!

And what's wrong with the food part? If you mean the indenting thing, that's a new something Nate put up recently. ^_^

I know this is the recording book for our supplies, but I felt like using one of my strengths to keep it handy.

This already confuses me, and the rest of the paragraph doesn't answer my question. What strength?

My name is Zen Blackheart, and I’m a 13[s]-[/s]year-old, [no comma]girl pirate. [s]and my[/s] My father has decided that, when he’s done and tired, I’m to take his place as captain on the Killing Creek.

Stating that she's a girl so clearly like this.. I'd rather you give little hints in your writing that the MC is a girl. One way to do so: Wasn't it a myth sailors believed that girls were bad luck when on ships? Or was that earlier than this time? Oh wait...

Many call me Miss 13 for the bad luck I cause for our enemies.

...Ah, there it is! The bad luck thing. Good job. However! Sailors used to throw the girls off the ship because they're bad luck. Build on this; how did she get to stay on this ship while other girls don't?

My job is to count supplies, help in attack, and [s]to[/s] watch from the crow’s nest. I hear the first mate calling [s]‘ Blackheart!’.[/s] "Blackheart!" I must go. I put this under my pillow, [s]in the bed I sleep on[/s]. I am called again.

The ending here. Show it a little bit more. When I read it, it was monotone and boring. I want to see a little more action. Of course, if this is a diary entry, she wouldn't write "I put this under my pillow" in the first place. She's quickly end it so she can leave.

It was a bit of time since [s]the last time[/s] I was to record supplies.

Repetition of time.

The two goats had a baby[b], and I was to care for it. Today we get more supplies, and we were told of the new Stamp Act.

Hey, I know the Stamp Act! Kinda!

The smuggler (from the ship [s]we’re[/s] we were buying from) said that newspapers, playing cards, diplomas, and legal documents were taxed, and when you paid for the tax, they would stamp the item [s]or whatnot[/s] to make sure you didn’t take it or whatever.

The word choice here definitely makes it sound modern. Not 1700s. Fix this around. Get rid of words like whatever and whatnot because they wouldn't have said those words back then. Keep us in the same time period.

I thought that it was kind of stupid, and my racing heart [s]of tension[/s] slowed when he said that it was repealed because of violent protests.

Oh good! Lol, I was getting worried you didn't know about the Stamp Act! Here I am, jumping to conclusions again. Lol.

I shall not write what he said they did. It is too much for me. I sit up in the crow’s nest, watching my fellow pirates haul loads of supplies onto our ship.

Again, the ending of this entry is a bit.. random, maybe?

[s]After[/s] When we made it to Boston, my father gave up his position of captain to me, and we celebrated.

We celebrated...what? Your becoming captain? Or your father's withdrawal from the position? Plus, would the men let an 18-year-old girl be their captain? Surely the first mate would be captain?

Rum all night for the crew, [dash or colon instead] [s]on[/s] March 4.

The next morning, a riot started, and a few of my men went. Only 2 of them [s]4[/s] came back.

The men went to check it out? To calm it? Or to join it?

And spell out the numbers. Two and four are very easy to type out.

[s]2[/s] Two of my best men had been wounded, and we didn’t have enough money to [s]wair[/s] wait for them.

Wait for them to...heal? Be specific. ^^

The water was our home, and we needed it like fresh drinking water. Some of my men got [s]home sick[/s] homesick for the tilting ship as I went out for young recruits.

I found a greatly-built boy my age and a man that [s]clamed[/s] claimed to be the boy’s father. They looked nothing alike. [comma instead] But I welcomed them onto my ship anyway.

Underlined Can't get any more general than this, lol. Be specific. Anyone can be great, but what's great about this boy? Is he burly? Is he muscular? Gimme, gimme! I love boys too.

The 18-year-old was named Jessie, and the ‘father’, [no comma] was Thomas.

Now safe on deck again, I shall count supplies and instruct the [s]2[/s] two new men.

It's the verb tense! Figured it out! You arbitrarily switch tenses, and it throws the reader off.

Oh good, they restocked on supplies. I was getting really worried when I saw the count before it, lol.

Overall

I like how you write this. I like numbers, so I really enjoyed the stats on supplies. That was awesome!

I couldn't quite tell if this was a diary entry or a story told in first person. You switch tenses, and the MC says stuff someone wouldn't write in a diary. So I'm a little confused there. Also look into your "pirates." I don't think they're quite realistic, 'specially in this time period.

I also couldn't really tell which paragraph went with each supply list when I finished. Probably because the last check on supplies had no entry?

I didn't have much other major issues, then. I liked this format, though. I can't stop saying how I liked the supply count you gave the reader. Of course, this is an assignment and that was probably a requirement, but I still liked it!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Huzzah! You will never know how excited I am that someone is willing to take on the 1700s. As a long time fan of the 18th Century, be prepared for nitpicky-ness. ; )

*

First, I'm not sure how much you've taken to the assignment but historically there are a few errors and areas where vast improvement should be made for authenticity purposes.

Voice/Narration

I know time is limited as it is an assignment but if you’re up to the challenge, to make this piece truly hold a candle to the period, I highly suggest in not using modern speech at all because our colonial brethren did not speak as we do today. Their dialect was very much unique and, “Dare I say, much of it is not but short of splendid.” ; ) To speak let alone successfully write colonial speech has taken me about a year to develop a firm grasp and actually understand what the heck they were babbling about. Not easy! However, you don’t have a year, hehe… So, what I am going to do for you, if you feel so inclined to step up to the challenge in editing your modern narration and transforming it in colonial speech (and totally impressing your teacher by knocking his socks off), here are two short stories of mine where the settings are in Boston in the 18th Century and of course, the characters speak “the language.” Read carefully, slowly and see if you can successfully master the speech a little.

I think these two will be decent enough primers because of the dialogue present as well as the narration.
1) topic27721.html
2) topic27921.html

Jan. 1765

A great, big bold sign for the month and date.

You must further research. The Stamp Act did not take place until March, NOT January. Precisely, the tax went into full effect into the Colonies on March 22, 1765. Further, the 1765 Stamp Act marked the first of its kind in the way of a tremendous bonfire. All of the Colonies were sitting in a hotbed; they were furious! Sacking of houses, burning bodies in effigy on stakes while marching them around on the streets and tarring are just some of the examples that took place. Actually, I wrote a short story too on the Stamp Act where its setting is in Virginia with Patrick Henry. The good thing about this story is I’ve included noted and wrote fairly extensively on this very subject. I know you will benefit from reading if not my explanation at the end, but reading the story itself as it is again in colonial dialect and the reader is offered a brief glimpse of how this tax affected everyone. Here is the Patrick Henry short story if you want to take notes:

topic9670.html

That being said, I find it a bit absurd that your character just now realizes about the Stamp Act when a full year has passed? This question brings me to my next point, the setting, followed by a girl as First Mate in the 1700s.

Setting

So, the basic outline is that a young adolescent is aboard a ship, and she seems to be the bookkeeper or attempts to keep records. I do not have a vast amount of knowledge with piracy in the period but what I do remember is 18th Century Pirates were more seen near the Caribbean or West Indies. Look up Black Beard or Red Beard who are notoriously famous Pirates of their age. But where is your setting? It is lacking. Where are we exactly – besides in the middle of the ocean? Are we at least in the Pacific or Atlantic Ocean? Perhaps the Red Sea? Could you throw us a bone here and tell us where is this ship currently located? : )

Woman’s Rights in 18th Century; They Had Very Little

Your main character has come off as First Mate since when her father retires she is supposed to be the new Captain. Sorry to bust your bubble, but that cannot happen simple for this reason: No girl or woman would dare have that prestigious privilege of Captaining a boat. A woman’s soul role was to cook, clean, mend clothing, wash, tidy and be assist their husband when necessary – although John’s Adams’ wife defied all the rules in this sense but that is a different tale. A young girl, she would be assisting her mother with the said chores and possibly help with gardening too, depending on their “place in society.” A young man of about fifteen to seventeen would have been likely apprenticed under their father to eventually become Captain, not a girl and certainly not one – boy or the like – that is a mere thirteen years old.

Logs

I’m confused with your character’s logs of supplies. What purpose does it serve? It does confuse me as the reader because I don’t understand the importance, and why someone so young would want to record anything?

And if any facts are mest up there ment to be. My character's on a ship and with it coming form a diffrent mouth it will be a little jumbled.*

There is no excuse what so ever for historical mistakes as this genre is HISTORIC fiction, hehe… Honestly, if I were to pick this story up and start reading, it would have been dropped and ignored after the first paragraph of narration because it only scratches the surface of this period and of the large mistake of the correct date of the famed Stamp Act and how simply your character reacted – which was hardly.

In a nutshell, you have some researching to do. ; ) If you need any help with anything, even the historic element, feel free to shoot me a PM.

*

Ahem… GOD SAVE THE KING!
Cheers!

I am here just to give you simple opinion.

I have two huge issues with this: First, I think that you should expand the entries. They're far too short for me. Sometimes length is not a bad thing, and in this case I feel that there needs to be more. The other problem I had with your work here was that there is nothing particularly exciting about any of it. There's no dialogue, no drama, NOTHING to grab and keep the reader's attention.

It has some potential, but I cannot look at this as a good piece of work. It meets very few of the requirements that usually makes a good piece of literature. Where's the plot? The character development? Having these in your piece will greatly add to it, I think.

Just one more thing:I realize this is a diary of sorts, and it's extremely hard to show rather than tell, but please TRY. I like to feel as if I am IN a story. Reading this, I felt like I was just a spectator - and a bored one at that.

Good luck with editing. I hope this helps.

Back again.

I realize now I misinterpreted a few things but that's what I get for editing someone else's story at near midnight.

At any rate, KJ is correct. I agree that there is no sort of plot or anything worth on continuing. You need to find conflict and decide where exactly this storing is leading. Also, you main char - Zen is about as interesting as a cardboard box. She is not developed at all, thus she is not alive for her readers to care about. You could very well drive a stake through Zen's heart and an ounce of compassion wouldn't develop from me. Why? Because Zen is just a paper-cut out doll. There is a Usergroup called Character Development. If you have time, use it! It'll help breathe much needed life into this Zen Blackheart.

Know your World and Everything In It

While I had mentioned earlier no female would be apprenticed or a man would bat an eyelash of the absurd notion of giving a woman the possession of an entire ship, let alone the rank of Captain (or possibly Commondore). We wouldn't want your crew to begin outright munity??

However... The important factor is this: While woman were frowned upon to be in service of either the Navy, Army and most likely, commanding a pirate ship (and a crew that hasn't stolen squat yet even though five years have passed...), woman were most definitely in say, His Majesty's Army (George III) and in Washington's too, within the ranks. The officers, commissioned or the NCO's were likely unaware of their female counterparts but the lower ranked soldiers were likely aware and kept the identity secret. Now, the point to all this??? A great conflict would be having a young female teenager aboard a pirate ship but only her father knows her true identity. The rest of the crew assumes she is actually a boy because Zen dresses the part of a teenage boy to protect herself from a rioting crew and outrage by them. Then perhaps, when she is old enough, her father let's his "son" accept the position of Captain but the crew still does not know the deception they've been under...

It's not much to go on for a conflict but see where it leads you since a rewrite is needed to keep us entertained.

Lastly, you're character is aboard a ship. This means you shouldn't negate the different types of masts used to gain momentum when the wind favors the crew and the person steering. It wouldn't hurt too to research alone with learning the different types of masts and how they influence the wind currents but to understand the four sectors of a ship: Port, Bow, Starboard and Stern. As it is, I'm also not convinced I'm sailing with your character because there isn't any details to suggest it. The sea has always been harsh, a wicked monster. An enormous amount of lives have been recorded on being killed at sea such as drowning but lore has developed too when they say, "He has been lost at sea..."

In addition to what I mentioned earlier, to further enrich your story describe the sea and whether or not if it is calm or chaotic. If chaotic, how so? And how is the change of tide directly effecting your crew and Captain's nerves? Describe how the masts such as the Mainmast and how they are accomplishing the wind in your favor -- or perhaps not? ; )

After we made it to Boston my father gave up his position of captain to me and we celebrated. Rum all night for the crew, on March 4. The next morning a riot started and a few of my men went. Only 2 o the 4 came back. I was devastated.

Why in God's green Earth would her father as soon as he arrived at Port, just out of the clear blue sky give her such a magnificent rank? Was he old? Sick? Had the time spent on sea fatigued him so? Perhaps he had the Pox? Explain. Describe, enlighten us.

I hope you don't mind me saying but for someone who's studied the Boston "Massacre" and has joined the very regiment that was there (29th), your view of the Massacre is simplistic and completely sugarcoated. You landed in Boston and on March 4th, the Eve of the famed night thereafter 0 the 5th. All you can say is, "a riot started and a few men went. Only two survived." And all Zen can say is that she's devastated??? Whaaaaa..... Have you read about the Boston Massacre???? ; ) If not, you should. Devastated is the wrong word when describing March 5th, 1770. In fact, there are little words to describe that night. What I can tell you is that, remember how I said that when the Stamp Act was imposed and that the colonies were in a hotbed; they were furious? The emotions of the Bostonians especially, a full fledged revolution nearly broke out that night but thankfully it was derailed for a few more years.

http://www.bostonmassacre.net This is a fantastic online site on the Boston Massacre. Check it out.

To sum up, you need to work on the following:

*historic accuracy
*plot
*conflict
*developing Zen's character, her father and why not the crew? We don't know who the crew is or even who the First Mate is. Not good.
*learning how an 18th century ship would have functioned - i.e. the masts, changes in tides and winds and how the two elements effect a voyage

I believe I've made a pest out of myself long enough.
Good day to you.

Thanks?

Um... My character Zen is righting it from her point of veiw and this isn't a story we were suposed to do diary entrys and mine ended up ooking like this. Anyways I might change the worlding to back thens' wording but only because my teacher might be mad that I did it in arush a bit...

*It's due this Friday. Which for me is in two days....*

Your piece is Historic Fiction. Therefore you'll be accountable for accuracy mistakes, whether it's a story or diary enteries. There are still historic mistakes that need to be adjusted. That being said, what exactly are you confused on? I have a tendancy to go on and on when anything pertains to my interest.

Two days doesn't really give you much time and with how broad of a scale the 18th Century is, posting this piece sooner would have benifited you. That being said, again, where have we (most likely I) have confused you?

I'm not quite sure exactly. I'm about to add on to it though for you to tell me anything I missed on the others. And yes the last one on it will not be compleatly finished...

Okay On the cover it will say "Retold in our words by your student."

Cheese I know.

If by "adding on to it," I'm assuming you mean you're editing what has already been posted?

I'm not quite sure exactly.

This bit suggests that you haven't or have done little in the way of researching the eras that represent your diary. Lucky for you that I'm rather fond of researching. While I deplore using Wikipedia for a source, in your senario since the assignment is due in two days, go to Wikipedia.com and type in Stamp Act and Boston Massacre. At least you can read the two short articles and gain a grasp of what I've been babbling about. It's up to you, but frankly I don't think neglecting to mention the Massacre would be a wise choice and you could expand upon how the Stamp Act affect the crew, even Zen's father.

Hey, I have been hearing about this sore subject for more than two weeks. It gets old eventually so bare with me on my sadness.

I shall try...

Thanks though for taking your time so many times on this thing. And I emphasize thing.

Don't take it to heart. You have to understand, I'm a history nut and moreso, I've studied the 18th C. off and on since I was twelve. Further, I've now taken my interest to the British Army, who is reenacts Burgoyne's Northern Army of 1777. While training, I'm becoming more alert with the tiniest of details. Lucky you - lol!

And I'm aware you're trying. That's evident but I'd be a poor teacher myself if I gave in so easily, which is why I mentioned earlier that you're free to PM me with questions. I have mountains of books and quite a few verbal resources to call on if I do not know an answer. ; )

In all honesty, you're brave to attempt anything related to the 1700s where there is much propaganda and real facts are far and in between and especially at a younger age. Most are surprised when they learn how young I was when I started to hone in on this crazy period.
Good luck to you!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mast_(sailing)

Is that supposed to n=be a ship? It looks so dinky...

LOL!vNo, it's not the best looking of ships. The point was to show you the names of the masts on a ship for sailing, not a photorific portriot of a fabulous ship fit for Blackbeard himself.