Young Writers Society

Dear Mother.

I have finally received sometime away from this horrible war, and yet it never seems to be that far away, how is Dalia, still having that awful cold?

I miss the delicious food you always make, it’s heavenly compared to this food, it always seem to come from a hollow metal can, not like your food that’s made from the heart.

Do you still remember Brian Edswood that lived next to us in Brighton? He’s here with me, or he was here with me, but no longer…
It was awful mother, I saw him die, he died for me… to save my life so that I could see you once again, I feel so guilty mother!

It was raining that cold night and my commander had made the decision for an offensive assault against the german forces, how ironic isn’t it mother? It was raining… This starts to feel like a novel, doesn't it?

But it was like that, at noon we made our attack, we were swift as lightning or so we thought. They had seen us, we had been betrayed from within, never have I felt so sad… until that horrible accident took place, mother.

Brian was crouched down next to me, he whispered in a hushed tone that we should move closer to the enemies trench, I wasn't fully agreeing with him, but I could not say no, mother.

Perhaps you could write a book about this… if you ever were to receive this letter, you could show people the truth about wars.

Anyhow back to the story I guess. As we were crawling on the cold damp ground I noticed something on Brians face, he was scared, and frankly so was I.
I saw that he suddenly halted his movement, he turned his face so that I could see the tears roll over his bruised cheeks.

He was laying on a mine, mother. I saw him trembling, the stroke of terror in his eyes as he met my gaze. ”Move back”, he said. I didn't want to leave him. ”Move back, now!”, he said again. There was nothing I could do… with my pride injured I began to crawl back, not taking my eyes off his sad face.

When I came back to our front I heard the sound of the explosion, I could feel the ground shake under me, and the pieces of Brians shattered body fell like rain on me and my comrades. I lay there, covered in my best friends blood and gore… and I cried, oh mother…

I’m sorry, perhaps I should never have told you of this, but you should know that I intend to return home alive, to you and Dalia, it’s because of you two that I wake up every morning and fight these monsters.

God bless you mother, if it wasn't for your kindness towards me when I was young, I did still be a drunken bastard, thank you.

Yours sincerely.
Evan Green, son of the Lord.
5th June 1944 A.D

A Little add not part of the letter: Evan Green 1924-1944, so sad.

Okay, I tried to go through the whole thing and give you a good review, but I just can't. I'm sure it's good and well written, but the problem is that you overuse commas way too much. Almost every time you use one a period should be there instead. If you change that, I'll come back and give you a full review.

Most of the commas should be periods, then you wouldn’t have so much run-on sentences. German needs to be capitalized. “Enemies” should be “enemy’s” as oddly as it looks.

“I noticed something on Brian[’]s face”

“Yours sincerely[,]”

Other than those it was a very moving letter. Keep up the good work!

Trick

First off, I noticed that you say "mother" quite a bit. Try to tone it down. And this soldier is just too wistful and... well, wimpy, I guess. He's a guy, and guys--at least all the ones I know--either brag about their triumphs or don't say anything much at all about their failures or hurts. Don't have time to say anymore but this does need quite a bit of work to actually be good.

The letter doesn't feel authentic. At all.

Soldiers that write back to their moms don't want to worry their mothers. Usually they'll ask how things are on the home front. If they're winning, they'll mention how they're kicking butt. If they're surrounded by death, then they'll mention that things are hard.

In the case of the friend, it is very unlikely that he would describe the circumstances of his friend's death, since the details are so very gruesome.

I don't think it is an error with the writing so much as the authenticity. Soldiers harden quite a bit, since they deal with death or the threat of it near constantly during war. I suggest you read more war letters.

I don't think he was being wimpy. I think he was being a true man. The fact that he's sharing this story with his mother says that he has a good relationship with his mom. There is one thing, I think you used "Mother" one to many times. Also, it wasn't completely clear what was ironic. Anyway, keep writing!

This seemed far too tragic to actually be true. The writer of this seemed dark and cold, unfeeling. Yes, I know. World War 2 was a horrible event BUT people had faith the war would be over. The soliders were proud to be there fighting for there country. Just out of curiousity what country is this soldier supposed to be from? It never says..
I can sort of see why he was writing to his mother as familt ties were very important in those times unlike in the cruel days of the modern world and perhaps he was unmarried and still living with her, who knows? And also little boys always go to their mamas. I didn't really like it. I don't know why. So I won't rate it. But I am not saying it wasn't well written. It was. It just didn't appeal to me in particular. Fairly well written though.