Young Writers Society

The sun rises on mount Olympus and Athena stirs sensing that mortal is praying to her. “What does this mortal want?” “Oh great goddess Athena, hear my pleas, I’m a girl, the daughter of Achilles. I want to live my father’s legacy as heroine. My mother will not let me join the women who are fighters. So I call upon you Great Goddess to free me.”
“The daughter of Achilles and the day of reckoning for Apollon is rapidly approaching. The girl’s destiny is calling and Apollon will be brought down for seizing Ithaca.” Athena hears this in her head and remember that Cassandra the prophetess of Troy prophesized that “A warrior will rise from fallen Achilles and when she took her destiny, will awarded to a angel of Ithaca”
“Well played Apollo your Delphi also prophesized correctly.”
“Hear me daughter of Achilles, go and see the man of whom avenged his father.” Andra hears a voice that sounds like a thousand war cries and knows that Athena has heard her. “I will go Goddess and my companion of Andromache who is the daughter of Telemachus son of the great Odysseus.”
Athena knows that her fellow goddess Artemis is this girl’s patron.
“Artemis, our lionesses are on the hunt and we must now guide them.”
Andra moves from the cold stone floor of Athena’s temple and runs outside to meet her friend Andromache and her twin brother Ethan whose patron is the god Ares. “The great goddess Athena said, for us to visit Orestes and then we will avenge Ithaca.” “Artemis said, for me to follow the daughter of Achilles and I will avenge my father.” “Ares said, that I need shall follow the daughter of Achilles and then I shall avenge Ithaca.” Then Andra, Andromache and Ethan walk back to the palace of Skyros where Andra was born and Ethan and Andromache live since Apollon took over Ithaca. “Ethan, how far is Mycenae from Skyros, Andra asks. “ A two days journey by ship from Skyros if the winds are good, Andra.” “Fine, I’ll persuade King Arthos to help us since his patron is the goddess is Athena as well.” Andra walks over to the throne room and goes right in. Andra is very special girl since she’s the daughter of Achilles who helped win the Trojan War and people accept that she’s different.
“Andra, how are you?” Andra turns and bows to the man on the throne. “I am fine, Sire.” “What is it you wish then?” “A ship to Mycenae and gifts for our host.” “Why, Andra?” “I am commanded to by the goddess Athena.” “I will supply what you ask and a small provision of my best men to protect you.” “Thank- you, my lord.” “May the gods bless your journey and keep you safe.” Andra bows to the king walks out of the throne room. Andra then runs to her rooms and grabs her tunics, robes, jeweled crown, and her daggers.
She runs to the docks where she finds Ethan and Andromache waiting.
“Are you guys ready?” “Yes, did you get the ships?” “Yes and I also got some men to help us.” Then a man comes and tells them that the ships are
ready to leave. Andra, Ethan and Andromache quickly follow the man to the ship and they set sail for Mycenae.
Above on mount Olympus Athena, Artemis and Apollo watch as the three young travelers set out on their journey. “Apollo, make sure the Uncle Poseidon doesn’t stir up trouble“, Athena orders. “Well actually we don’t have to do that, Athena.” “Why not?” “He’s off wooing Calypso.” “Really, I thought Calypso hated Uncle.” Apollo smiles smugly. “Let’s just say I persuaded her otherwise.” “What did you do, Artemis yells at him. “ I just had Eros shoot him with a love arrow.” “Apollo!” If Uncle finds out he’s going to kill you.” “Well, he won’t find out. Will he, Athena?” Athena nods her consent and then they smile at the thought of their uncle wooing Calypso.
Back on Earth the travelers have reached Mycenae and greeted King Orestes, who has herd of the plight of Ithaca. Orestes advises he travelers to sail immediately for Ithaca since Apollon has died and the elders are looking for the heir of the son of Odysseus. Hearing this Ethan, Andromache, and Andra set out for Ithaca but unfortunately the gods get in to a fight.
“Artemis, did you tell uncle I had Calypso shot?” “Why would I do that?”
“Because the only reason that you’re helping us is to get back at Hera.”
“Well I didn’t tell Uncle. Athena did.” “Athena told me what?” “That Apollo had Eros shoot Calypso with a love arrow.” “WHAT?!” “Apollo!” “I’m sorry Uncle, just please don’t sink the Skyrian ship.” “Why shouldn’t I?” “Do you want a Civil War over Ithaca?” “No.” “Well, that ship has the two children of Telemachus on board.” “Who are the heirs to Ithaca”, Athena continues. “Fine, but if Cally hears of this…” Cally, Apollo says trying to hold in his laughter. “Yes, Cally.” Poseidon stomps away after that leaving Apollo and Athena shaking with laughter. Artemis is already on the floor laughing.
Back in the mortal realm, our travelers have reached Ithaca where Ethan is immediately recognized by Zephyr who is Ithaca chief steward of Ithaca.
“Lord Ethan are you ready to take your place as King of Ithaca?”
Ethan looks shocked but nods his assent. “Good, I know one of these ladies is your sister Princess Andromache, but I don’t know who this other lady is.”
“This other lady is Lady Andra, daughter of the great Achilles.” “She would make a fine consort.” “Well, mother did say I needed to get married.” “Would the King of Ithaca be acceptable?” “The King of Ithaca is quite acceptable.” Ethan looks at Andra in surprise. “Really?” “I was hoping you would ask since the daughter of Achilles will settle for no less the grandson of a Hero.” Then Andromache butts in. “Andra is going to be my sister in- law?” “In a few months, Andromache but first we must get the gods blessings.”
On Mount Olympus the god hear the prayers of the travelers. “Athena, Oh Goddess of wisdom bless my marriage to this King of which you championed.”
“Oh Fair Lord, Apollo bless me and my kingdom.”
“Goddess of virgins fair, bless me with husband who will love me as I am.”
The gods decide to bless these children of heroes and they live happily ever after.

Wow, this is really deep. You did a great job with spelling and grammer, as well as creative languege that really brought the story alive. I enjoyed reading it, and overall, good job.

Also, please excuse my spelling. I can't spell, I'm sorry.

The gods decide to bless these children of heroes and they live happily ever after.

Uh-uh. Nope. Nix it. Kaput. It's... not good. To be mild.


Your grammer needs work, and you MUST space this out. Leave a line between each paragraph and each bit of dialogue, and put them on diferent lines. Like here,

“What does this mortal want?” “Oh great goddess Athena, hear my pleas, I’m a girl, the daughter of Achilles. I want to live my father’s legacy as heroine. My mother will not let me join the women who are fighters. So I call upon you Great Goddess to free me.”

This should be,

“What does this mortal want?”

“Oh great goddess Athena, hear my pleas, I’m a girl, the daughter of Achilles. I want to live my father’s legacy as heroine. My mother will not let me join the women who are fighters. So I call upon you Great Goddess to free me.”

Savvy? You have to do this, because spacing it out like this makes my eyes hurt.

It seems like a good story - it just needs tweaking.

Hey, Alanna! I haven't talked to you in ages! Mind if I look at your story? Didn't think so.

The sun rises on mount Olympus and Athena stirs, sensing that mortal is praying to her.

“What does this mortal want?”

[space]

“Oh great goddess Athena, hear my pleas, I’m a girl, the daughter of Achilles. I want to live my father’s legacy as heroine. My mother will not let me join the women who are fighters. So I call upon you Great Goddess to free me.”

Separate your quotes. It'll be easier for the reader to read and you'll get more people to review it.

“The daughter of Achilles and the day of reckoning for Apollon is rapidly approaching. The girl’s destiny is calling and Apollon will be brought down for seizing Ithaca.”

Put this in italics rather than quotes since it's in Athena's head. We'll better understand. ^_^

Athena hears this in her head and remember that Cassandra the prophetess of Troy prophesized, [s]that[/s] “A warrior will rise from fallen Achilles and when she took her destiny, will awarded to a angel of Ithaca”

Repetition is not good in this instance. We can replace one word with another using a thesaurus such as 'predict.' The quote switches tense too. A warrior will rise from the fallen Achilles and, when she takes her destiny, will be awarded to an angel of Ithaca. Adjust it as you see fit. ^_^

"Well played Apollo. your Delphi also prophesized correctly.”

It's "prophesied." And I think that's what you mean. =/ It sounds better.

“Hear me, daughter of Achilles, go and see the man of whom avenged his father.”

“I will go, Goddess, [s]and[/s] with my companion of Andromache, [s]who is the[/s] daughter of Telemachus and descendant [s]son[/s] of the great Odysseus.”

Athena knows that her fellow goddess, Artemis is this girl’s patron.

...Ethan whose patron is the god, Ares.

“The great goddess Athena said, for us to visit Orestes, and then we will avenge Ithaca.”

Delete comma after 'said'.

“Artemis said, for me to follow the daughter of Achilles and I will avenge my father.” “Ares said, that I need shall follow the daughter of Achilles and then I shall avenge Ithaca.”

Besides separating the quotes into separate paragraphs, who said what? What was their reaction? What do they look like?

Then Andra, Andromache, and Ethan walk back to the palace of Skyros where Andra was born and Ethan and Andromache live since Apollon took over Ithaca.

“Ethan, how far is Mycenae from Skyros, Andra asks.

"Ethan, how far is Mycenae from Skyros?" Andra asks.

“Fine, I’ll persuade King Arthos to help us since his patron is the goddess [s]is[/s] Athena as well.”

Andra is a very special girl since she’s the daughter of Achilles who helped win the Trojan War and people accept that she’s different.

“What is it you wish, then?”

“I am commanded [s]to[/s] by the goddess Athena.”

“Thank- you, my lord.”

No hyphen.

Andra bows to the king and walks out of the throne room.

Andra then runs to her rooms and grabs her tunics, robes, jeweled crown, and her daggers.
She runs to the docks where she finds Ethan and Andromache waiting.

She runs, she runs, and she runs... Lol

From Above on mount Olympus, Athena, Artemis and Apollo watch as the three young travelers set out on their journey.

“Apollo, make sure [s]the[/s] Uncle Poseidon doesn’t stir up trouble“, Athena orders.

What did you do, Artemis yells at him.

"What did you do?!" Artemis growls.

“Apollo!” If Uncle finds out he’s going to kill you.”

This would be easier to follow of the quotes are on separate paragraphs. Anyway, delete quotes after 'Apollo!'

“Well, he won’t find out. Will he, Athena?

"Well, he won't find out, will he, Athena?"

Athena nods her consent, and [s]then[/s] they smile at the thought of their uncle wooing Calypso.

“Well I didn’t tell Uncle. Athena did.” “Athena told me what?” “That Apollo had Eros shoot Calypso with a love arrow.” “WHAT?!” “Apollo!” “I’m sorry Uncle, just please don’t sink the Skyrian ship.” “Why shouldn’t I?” “Do you want a Civil War over Ithaca?” “No.” “Well, that ship has the two children of Telemachus on board.” “Who are the heirs to Ithaca”, Athena continues. “Fine, but if Cally hears of this…” Cally, Apollo says trying to hold in his laughter. “Yes, Cally.” Poseidon stomps away after that leaving Apollo and Athena shaking with laughter. Artemis is already on the floor laughing.

I got lost in this entire paragraph. Use tags and separate the quotes, put actions in them...you've read countless books, I know. Look and see how they do them. ^_^

Back in the mortal realm, our travelers have reached Ithaca where Ethan is immediately recognized by Zephyr who is Ithaca chief steward of Ithaca.

Don't use 'our.' You haven't been writing in that PoV. This sounds too much like a comic.

“Lord Ethan, are you ready to take your place as King of Ithaca?”

Ethan looks shocked but nods his assent. “Good, I know one of these ladies is your sister, Princess Andromache, but I don’t know who this other lady is.”

“Andra is going to be my sister-in- law?”

“In a few months, Andromache, but first we must get the gods' blessings.”

On Mount Olympus, the gods hear the prayers of the travelers. “Athena, Oh Goddess of wisdom, bless my marriage to this King of which you championed.”

“Oh Fair Lord, Apollo, bless me and my kingdom.”

The gods decide to bless these children of heroes and they live happily ever after.

Meep! Overused ending!

Overall, we can work this into a readable story. I like the idea of Greek gods and what you have, however I was lost a number of times. I don't know who anyone looks like, I don't know any other their habits, I don't know what kind of city they live in and what it looks like. I don't know a lot of things.

I know you've read books. You've read so many, lol. Study how the authors write their stories, how they describe the surroundings, the characters' actions. I like your idea, but I don't know what's happening. I didn't grow attached to any characters and I don't know what happened in the end. Only that they lived 'happily ever after' though the ending I don't much as car about. Some authors leave it hanging for the reader to decide.

Otherwise, pretty good. ^_^ I hope my review helped. Any questions or comments, PM me or whatever. If you want to beat me for being harsh, I prefer that in PM, lol.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Needs spacing and I would suggest using past tense. Make the dialogue clearer by adding some this-person-saids, etc.

Interesting idea, though.

Plus I love the way the Greek Gods/Godesses interact with one another -- how they're superhuman with human traits, just as the Greeks portrayed them.

Keep working at it.

Nice, I Love this story, it is completely Greek, the way the gods and goddesses interact is unlike what most religion are like, most are strict and philosophical, and they speak as if in a poem, but not these gods, you can really make a story out of them, you did a vary nice job. Now you may want to reread it, because there are a few typos in there. For example, you said "sensing that mortal..." I think you meant to say "sensing that a mortal...". But it was a good story, but it seemed that you could have made it longer, made relations between all the characters in the mortal realm, stronger, let the reader know if they like each other, hate each other, or love each other. It seems like the characters are like "Hey...How's it goin'...Oh... Nice talken' to ya...bye..." It seems vary bland, but you did an awesome job with the gods so... Any ways, I loved the story, (nice comin' from this history nut, when I saw your story, I was like "Homer! Ya, Greeks!" so enjoyed it, this was vary fun to read, I'd love to read more. Do I smell sequel? haha. Good luck. .

I had a few problems paying attention while reading this. It was too bulked together: you should space it out more. Besides that it was very well written, but the dialogue was a little confusing. There were quite a few confusing parts to it. I also had a little trouble discerning (pray I spelled it correctly) fiction from real myth. Also at one point in the writing it reads, "Calypso shot with a love arrow". I think that could be much more descriptive. You could look up one of those english/greek translation online dictionaries and type in love arrow and put that into the text instead. It would make the reader want to understand what you were talking about. It would also liven up the text. Besides all my ranting, I found it quite enjoyable.

Thanks for all the reviews and rants, shows when I'm on here.I will edit this when I'm on my home computer. Currently I'm at my church partying er praying.
Smiles,
Lanna