Young Writers Society

There you go bigbad! I haven't gotten to chapter Two but I shall post that up when I do. Let me know if you can't open the file for some weird reason. Also, the red marks are the changes I made and my comments are in the blurbs on the sides.

A good start but it needs some work. Basically I want to know more about the history of the four magicians. Lyre didn't do a good job of fully going into detail...


PM me with any questions, concerns or comments on my review...

Bye,

--starry

Hello again! I think I'll look at the two chapters separately to give myself some order so logically, let's begin with chapter one.

I think your fantasy world needs work. There's little description of it so add some in but try not to be too ordinary. You're working with a child's imagination here so great job with the simple history but go on, give the place some talking animals, blue grass or strange flowers. Have flying blimps in the sky or hot air balloons. And the others are right, you need to describe Lyre. What sort of playmate has this boy dreamed up? Is he human or something else? Is he light or dark? Does he perhaps resemble a character in the 'real world' as Children's imaginary friends often do...

Then there's your dialogue. Very good. You manage to present the characters as children without being overly simplistic in what they say to each other. Be careful with your personalities though. At first, Arnold seems quite confident and then suddenly he's nervous and then confident again? It's alright for emotions to fluctuate but you have to remember that he's in his fantasy world and there he makes the rules so he should feel pretty in control, even if it's only subconsciously.

Add more to the games the children play too. The part with the transformation is nice but also hint at what they usually play. Perhaps the ground is trodden from where they've chased each other or is there a stream near by? A beach maybe? Trees to climb or some sort of jungle?

In general though I really enjoyed reading it. Here's a few corrections and suggestions -

Lyre was always trying to copy his Southern accent… [Why use an ellipse here? I'm not saying it's wrong, merely curious.]

Oh, how he wished that she could be here. How he wished that she could see the spectacular sights of Vryheid.

The hairs on his arms [s]erected[/s] stood erect. He could [s]fill[/s] feel a chill crawl up his spine.

Lyre had [s]ever[/s] rarely talked about the East Mountains. [I think you mean mountain? That's what you use throughout the rest of the chapter.]

“the four magicians came together and decided that they would be kings over their land. So they [s]did[/s] [Either were or perhaps ruled?]…for a while.”

“Oh, I think I have to go now,” Arnold said and smiled. [Why does he smile? Is he not sad to eave?]

His body started to glow, and [s]his[/s] he closed his eyes.

Chapter two -

I like the contrast of this chapter and the first. You have some excellent character development and the atmosphere is well set. I think I'd like to know more about the apartment though. How does it look? Is there paint and paper peeling from the walls? Does it smell? How many rooms are there? I'm presuming three but it might be a good idea to just note the amount. Have they had their electricity and water bills cut off yet? Curtains on the windows? Sometimes it's those extra little details that really make the novel.

Also, I'd love to know what sort of clothes they're wearing. That will help to set the period (yes, that means you have more research to do) and it will affirm their poor background etc. Other than that, I found little to fault. Here's a few small suggestions but it's generally well written -

After a few seconds he realized that it was just Papa and groaned. [collor=red][This seems repetitive to your reader so perhaps don't start by telling them it's Papa. Just mention a loud noise or something.][/color]

From then on, he couldn’t hear what they were saying so he slowly crept out of bed and placed his ear [s]on[/s] against his bedroom door.

He resumed to read [Either he continued to read or he resumed reading would sound better.] the newspaper and became highly interested in an article.

All I know is what [s]is[/s] it says in here.

Overall, good work so far and I like how you've portrayed the accent. Get some more facts, make it a little more accurate and add description.

Wonderful as always. What can I say?

Well, I can say that you used my name. Was that before or after you knew it? Just curious.

Is there anything you can't write? You jump from a modern thriller like Beautifully Evil into a historical fantasy fic so easily...good job. Unfortunately, historical fiction is NOT my thing. I love your writing, but I usually don't read this genre. Historical...blech. I hope you start throwing in wizards and dragons soon.

Grammar--flawless. Um...God, I really can't critisize this!

Keep writing!

FFF

Okay. You have now completely delved into the realm of historical fiction. And frankly, the piece hit me as underesearched and slightly cliche. You've got to understand that the fat 'mama' is a cliche, the rent collecting is cliche, and mostly eveything that comes out of 'mama's' mouth is cliche. The picture of a happy black mother fussin' over her chilen is overdone. As soon as Harriet Beecher Stowe printed "Uncle Tom's Cabin" it was overdone. I'm fine with Arnold and I'm okay with Papa, but Mama needs serious revamping. Consider making her thin and frail. Consider giving her a quiet intellectual personality. At the moment, she's ruining the chapter.

Another thing I didn't like is your use of dialect. The dropped "g's" and "'causes". By including them, you've made Arnold's family the epitome of undereducated Black America and A.) It's slightly racist and B.) It's slightly, hate to say it again, cliche. Most Blacks around that time, had a some education and could probably refrain from turning 'ing' into 'in'. I think you could salvage a lot by making the family's speech a little more cultured and a little less Aunt Jemimah. Make this family different than the rest.

This is the point in this story where it would be wise to include some period evidence. Meaning, include some visual details about the apartment that would show the reader you put some research time into this. Like what kind of furniture do they have and what kind of hoops did they have to go through to get it? Does the father have a prized possesion? Does the mother? Where do they live exactly? The slums? Are their neighbors all black? If so, what are all-black slums called?

Another thing that doesn't seem realistic is the father's inabiltity to get a job. If he can't get a job because of the depression that's one thing.If he can't get a job because he's black, you've got some inaccuracy there. I'm pretty sure blacks could get a job fairly easily. Just menial work. At least a job in a segregated all-black store. Know what I mean?

integrated store

Was there really such a thing at that time?

You got a big day ahead of you

Why? What will make this day so special? Or were you just saying that?

She wore a big, baggy T-shirt and jeans that were two sizes too small

I don't think a black housewife would have been wearing jeans and t-shirt then. I'm not positive, but it doens't look right mentally.

Otherwise, listen to Kadzea. Get your historical facts straight and you have the making of a great story.

-Kylan

I'm not that great at detailed, line-by-line critiquing, but I can comment on the actual story. I liked the way Chapter One played out, but like Kylan said, you need to change the description to make this place stand out from everything else. As for Chapter Two, I really liked it a lot. I could feel the characters emotions. You've very much improved Jared, good job. Can't wait for more Frequency.