Young Writers Society

I created a table of doom and this is the first prompt I've finished.

096. Vampire; Cheshire Grins and Toadstool Bruises

Regan watched as Ginevra Moffet languidly got to her feet; the darkness of their shared cell made it look as if she was rising from the dead, and when her face did meet a shaft of filtered light, it only emphasized her blood-shot eyes and blooded lips. The gray horizontal stripes of their prison garb elongated her body, letting her fade, long and thin, into the wall behind her. And, when Gin grinned at Regan, she imagined that those canines looked particularly sharp and more pointed than usual.

Next to Regan, Till laughed.

Regan could tell Gin was having a hard time of it. She was shaking and every exposed piece of skin was lathered with a thick skein of sweat. Every so often, Regan would cast her glance at Gin, and Till would reach over and put her hand on Gin’s hand or shoulder.

When they were on break, Regan handed Gin a handkerchief—really just a torn piece of cloth, and watched as a series of hacking coughs wracked her body.

Gin brought the cloth away from her face, the blood on the faded fabric shined. One of the other girls that was near at the moment—new and younger than most—gasped when she saw the blood. The girl’s hand automatically rushed to cover her small, round mouth, and her eyes widened. She slanted herself away from Gin and the bloody handkerchief.

Regan smirked at the girl, and watched as Till clasped one of Gin’s wrists in her hand.

Till shook her head and pursed her lips at the girl before turning back to Gin, her eyes alight. “So, Vampira, any room in that coffin for me, doll-face?”

Gin wiped the blood from her lips. “For sure.”

Hey, Cal!

You probably already know that I love your characters more than life itself. They work so well together, and you can totally see--even from this little piece taken out of context--that they have chemistry, and they are each their own. As such, the critique's going to be painfully short and on the one character we don't get to know so much--the girl.

The girl in the background is probably the most important in this instance. She sticks out simply because the three women in the foreground--Regan, Till, and Gin--are characterized so beautifully. Having good characters is a pain in the butt because you have to make every character good, even the nobodies and walk-ons. This girl is important in this short because she represents society at large, and their reaction to the girls from the orphanage.

Think about her position for a moment. "I'm trapped in a reeking prison cell with the lesbian vampires." I'm pretty sure if you're an average, Victorian girl--hardened criminal or innocent victim of the Etrazia--that it's going to wear thin on your nerves. You want to make this readily apparent. Describe not just what we'd expect (the well-bred gasp) but her body posturing, the state of her clothing, and so forth. Make it interesting. It will only make your already strong cast even stronger.

Beautiful, darling. This is my first introduction to your characters (though of course I've heard of Regan) and you do them beautifully. The description of Gin was especially realistic and life-like--for some reason the detail about the stripes elongating her body was especially cool. Just the last two lines or so between Till and Gin had me confused; I couldn't tell from the rest of it that they're lesbian (as Sam said), though I guess that would explain it.

Thank so both so much, you guys rule.

Sam, I really appreciate you pointing out things about the other girl, now I've got all new brainwaves on that.

Gyr, I think maybe it was confusing, not because Till and Gin are lesbians, but the fact that Gin has consumption (aka Tuberculosis), which was often regarded as vampirism -- "symptoms such as red, swollen eyes (which also creates a sensitivity to bright light), pale skin and coughing blood, suggesting the idea that the only way for the afflicted to replenish this loss of blood was by sucking blood" (A Guide to Tuberculosis).

Does that explain it or am I totally off?

*hugs all around*

Ta,
Cal.

I would love to do this but I need help understanding exactly what I'm supposed to do.