Young Writers Society

this idea has just popped into my head. I don’t no if I should write more.


London, 1940


Air raid sirens rung harshly in Emily's ears. The sirens had started quite distantly when she had first heard them, five minutes ago whilst amusing her friends in a cornfield on the edge of town. Now she was sprinting through the maze of London streets, long brown plaits bouncing over her shoulders. Rain splattered down onto her pale skin. The roads were bare. No one was around her. Unexpectedly her breath became shallow and she held a stitch in her stomach. The nearest shelter was no more then two streets away but Emily was tiring.

She stopped and leant heavily aganist the red brick wall of a terraced house. She was shivering now, partly from the speed she had run and partly because of the rain drenched clothes clinging to her. She staggered forwards. The first bombs were falling and Emily could hear them. She raised her head, took a gulp of air and jogged further down the road.
"I won't be hit by the bombs," she whispered with a determined frown, tumbling into one of the side roads.
It was at this point Emily made a terrible mistake. The street she had thought to be the second was actually the third, Penny Street. The shelter was now behind her. The bombs were dropping closer, so close that the next one shook the rough ground and Emily toppled onto the wet cobbled floor. A bomb exploded only one street away and the smell hit her nose seconds later. Emily cried out and leapt to her feet, adrenaline now pumping through her once more. Bare knees cut and arms scraped she scrabbled over the damp ground and began to find a place to protect her.

A fire was building itself higher near the end of the road. A trickle of blood was dribbling down her cheek from her forehead. The whistle of another heavy object was quite close above. Emily screamed and dived under a hole in the old wall. She knew it was a silly idea. The bomb landed and flattened the houses instantly. The blow knocked Emily out and sent her rolling a short distance into the grass stretch beyond.

She woke up to complete silence. Her nose was throbbing and she could taste drying blood on her lips and chin indicating it was probably broken. Emily’s head was pounding. She whimpered and sat up then noticed with some relief, the air raid sirens weren’t whirring. Hunkered down on her hands and knees Emily crawled to the wall. She lay flat on her stomach and looked out. The houses were just a smouldering pile of rubble and dust now. Massive cracks fanned out in all directions from the floor like rays of sunshine, almost as if they were imitating the low sunset shining in the horizon. Usually when houses were destroyed people would be swarming around them. Some would be comforting the families where as others would be poking about trying to steal anything left. The houses forty eight to fifty six on Penny street were still completely deserted.
“That’s strange It must have been at least a couple of hours since the explosion,” Emily said quietly to herself.
Like the brave soliders in the war, Emily carefully pulled herself back through the hole by her elbows. One of her brown leather shoes had disappeared so she had to step slowly over the rubble and across the road.

Smoke billowed in clouds out of number fifty. Emily took off her black cardigan, that had once belonged to her sister, and used it to waft away some of the smoke. The smell was different. A more metallic stench then the remains of wooden furniture. This should have scared Emily but the peculiar trance seemed to have taken over her and enveloped her senses and she walked into the heart of the smoke. There it was, the source of the stench buried underneath the remains of a table. Emily stumbled over the rubble and bent down to retrieve it. The strange metal oval scorched her skin as she held it close to her face. It spoke to her, whispered in her ear in its strange language. Emily held it closer not noticing the severe burns to the fingers on her left hand. It was telling her it come away with it. Slowly Emily nodded her head. The metal glowed hotter and expanded. At that moment the trance broke. Emily screamed at the excruciating pain. The oval welded her hands to itself and in an explosion of black smoke she disappeared.

A boy of around twelve, on his way back home, turned the corner of Penny Street and dodge around the outside of the blaze in the main road. He had just heard the terrified screaming. He thought it must be a trapped survivor. From the demolished houses he caught a glimpse of a girl silhouetted in the smoke. The boy gawped open mouthed and gazed at the same spot to take in what he had seen. The girl had disappeared. Evaporated. Completely gone.

He finally took a few tentative steps towards the houses. He groped the smoke and held his breath. He definitely hadn’t imaged it. In the ash was the imprint of a shoe and a foot.
“She was only wearing one shoe,” he muttered to himself.
The boy inhaled the smoke quickly. He reeled back over the bricks and threw up on the other side of the road. He didn’t have a gas mask with him. Terrified of what he assumed to be posinous gas from the enemy he jumped over the wall and sprinted across the grass holding his breath. He would have got further if it wasn’t for a bump on the floor he tripped over. The boy fell face first in the damp grass. He turned round. A brown shoe was lying behind him. The boy seized it and looked at the sole. It had the same checked pattern on it as the imprint. With a shuddering sigh the boy put the small shoe in his scrap bag and stood up.
“What have you got yourself into David,” The boy asked himself.
What ever was going on was starting to scare him.

Emily, meanwhile, was still hurtling through a colourful nothingness firmly stuck to the hot metal. Her eyes were streaming with cold tears and streaking into her loose hair. She wasn’t sure which way was up anymore. Everything was blurred. Emily felt dizzy. She was going to faint again. With a small sigh Emily’s head flopped down between her arms and without her knowing the oval began to hurtle downwards at an incredible speed.

I like it, you should definately write more.

It was at this point Emily made a terrible mistake.

This should probably read at this point that Emily.

adrenaline now pumping through her once more. Bare knees cut and arms scraped

The now is unneccessary, and the next sentence would probably work better if you began it with With her bare knees cut and arms scraped

The whistled of another heavy object was quite close above.

I'm not quite sure how that's meant to read.

into the grass stretch beyond.

Try grassy stretch or stretch of grass

A more metallic stench then the remains of wooden furniture.

Again, just not sure.

He definitely hadn’t imaged it.

Should be imagined.

without her nowing

Should be knowing.

Aside from that, it was a great story. Sorry if I seem a bit too pedantic.

Hello. It’s always good to see new faces in this genre. Historical Fiction is challenging, and requires patience when planning out characters, setting, plot, while researching. Mentioning research, I suspect very little was put forth into this piece, as my opinions may suggest the notion. If however that I’m wrong, I would be very interested in the resources used in researching World War Two. I have two reletives that served, and so any additional information is intriguing.

Firstly, I feel this story was slightly rushed. One, why was Emily originally fleeing? The bombs dropped later, yet, she was running beforehand. Secondly, we as the readers, do not know Emily at all. Thirdly, what happened to her parents? And Emily’s sister? What became of her? I strongly suggest in slowly down, and explain at least the first paragraph, and send us a few clues, most importantly about Emily’s plight. Sirens only point to that yes, the enemy is invading but those warnings could have erupted if an Infantry were sighted upon the ground.

Speaking of the “enemy,” Germany was not the soul protagonists. You never tell us WHO is invading London. In WW2, the allied forces were the US, UK, Soviet Union, China and France where as the Axis powers were Germany, Japan, and Italy. If the planes of WW2 are subjects of the story, it would be beneficial in studying the pilots, and show us how they steer, fire the guns connected to their aircraft, and describe briefly what the aircrafts looked liked. And let me tell you, the 1940 aircrafts used in this world war were unique, just as the Great War (WW1) were as special in their own time. Here is a link towards the Bombers, each link containing information about the aircraft. http://www.military.cz/usa/air/war/default_en.htm

Lastly, unless it was decided so to try Science Fiction, and mix it with Historical Fiction, having disappearing characters that poof in midair is a major no. Why this was attempted eludes me, but I highly recommend in not having Emily vanish into thin air. For a history buff such as myself, to read such an absurd thing was disappointing. If I’ve misunderstood, then I apologize, but even so, the fact that I misunderstood at all shows that it’s time for editing. ; )

Moreover, the way the boy was introduced was as equally as confusing. He… just… showed up? Very distracting to read a person suddenly waltzes up, and miraculously sees a girl go poof? Where the heck did he come from anyway? Was the secretly following the girl near an ally? The paragraph where the boy needs to be edited, and a different approach has to be done when introducing him. And, again, I know squat about the boy, who he is, and where his own family is?

One final nitpick. The only toxic gas I remember that was used was within the Concentration Camps – the gas chambers. Perhaps you could elaborate? Did bombs really contain poisonous gas?

*

Watch your grammar, and there are a few spelling mistakes. Use the Spell Checker. It will correct all spelling mistakes for you. As for the grammar, you need assistance in finding those errors, PM me, and I’ll find the buggers for you. ; ) But try yourself, as this activity will help the writer tremendously in training to catch their own mistakes.

Good luck!

Thanks fishr

I think what you have said will really improve my story.
some of the things in wrote don't sound right i agree.
I think i will definietly add an introduction of how she got to the field and more description of the planes and the surroundings.
your comments have made this story better

maybe I should also move it to science fiction so it makes more sense.

Hi fairy_twinkletoes_13, I'm new too. I've just read your story, and I like your beginning. It has good descriptions of the setting without going too far, I also like the idea of leaving the chapter on a cliffhanger as it creates mystery and suspense. You could also replace 'Unexpectedly her breath became shallow' with 'her breath suddenly became ragged and shallow' just a thought, but a brilliant start!
*lilmisswritergal*

I personally love it. Which is saying something seeing as I am normally completely. not into this kind of genre.
You should definitely write more, it's a great start. It leaves you wondering and wanting to read more. I think that takes a lot of talent, well done

But, as mentioned, I do think the boy randomly appearing needs a bit more explaining. Other than that, great!

x

I thought this wasn't a bad start. It was interesting and surprising and it did make you want to read more.

You might want to look out for inconsistencies though. You mentioned a cornfield, and then that it was London. Bit of a contradiction maybe? And where you said the air raid sirens 'rung' in her ears. Whined might be a better word, as the sound is more a low ascending droning sound. We have sirens here for flood warnings, and it's a similar sound, and the first time I heard it I thought aliens were landing, it was that eerie, so perhaps you could use the air raid sirens as a device to build on the atmosphere?

You might want to work on varying sentence structure a bit. You have a lot of short sentences all bunched together, which can make the writing seem a bit stilted. You could perhaps build on the description, and I would say if someone doesn't need to speak, don't put it in for the sake of having some dialogue-that's the way the dialogue you have in comes across.

I liked the twist in it though about the oval piece of metal. I hope you're encouraged to improve and continue with it