z

Young Writers Society


Pipe Down



Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 890
Reviews: 1
Thu Sep 06, 2007 8:03 pm
IAMTHEONE says...



I shot straight up in bed, panicked. I could have sworn there was something outside my window, or someone. Maybe it me being stupid but it scared me senseless.
Why in the world would someone be outside my window? I peeled the covers back off of my body and slid off of my bed to walk to the window of my room and peer out of it. It was a cold night and my breath was fogging up the window. But as far as I could tell, no one was outside my house, let alone near my window. I didn't know what time it was but I wasn't going to fall back asleep, not tonight.
I went back to my bed and lay there staring up at the ceiling thinking about the fight mama and daddy had earlier after he came home from the gin mill. I think he was ossified because I could here them yelling all the way from downstairs in the kitchen. It was awful. Daddy wanted to go to the authorities and tell them about something Mr. Fitzgerald was doing. I was confused, I thought they were friends. Why would daddy want to put him in jail? He’s a nice man. But daddy said he had to because Mr. Fitzgerald constantly obsessed about Russia's government and America's government was all wrong. And that he was a communist. I didn't quite understand what he meant but mama begged him not to tell, she said there would be consequence. But they had gone to bed and it was silent now. No more yelling.
I laid there for about fifteen more minutes before I decided to get some water from downstairs. I walked out of my room and down the hall, stopping in front of my parent's room. I noticed something ominous. Their room smelt of marzipan. And they were awake. Daddy was lying down on the bed and mama was standing next to the bed where he lay with her back to me. It was pretty dark so all I could see was their outlines but I could tell mama was covering daddy's face with her hand. Daddy had a habit of rambling. And another odd thing was that it was the middle of winter, but the window was wide open. They must have been really hot, probably necking with each other.
Daddy noticed me standing there, reached out his hand and wiggled his fingers at me, waving. But he didn't stop. He kept waving for longer than normal. He could be such a jokester. I waved back until he let his arm drop. Then mama turned her head and waved too. I waved to her and continued downstairs.
I got to the bottom of the stairs and walked through family room and the diner to get into the kitchen. Only to find my mother, Samantha, against the counter drinking a cup of coffee.
"Hey bird," she said to me. "What are you doing up so late darling?"
And again I was in a panic. If mama was down here, with me, then who's upstairs with daddy? I lost it. "Daddy!!" I screamed. I ran back up the stairs my mama close behind me.
"Lily, wait!" she yelled. "What's wrong with daddy?"
I got upstairs and stood in the exact spot I stood not even five minutes ago, right outside my parent's room. The window was still open and the faint smell of marzipan was still present. The only difference was that my father was alone. Something was terribly wrong.
My mother finally caught up to me and asked "What's wrong sweetheart?" I looked up at her, near tears. All I could do was point at daddy. "What?" she asked once more. She looked into the room and began to walk in. "Why is the window open? And what is that smell? Is that almonds?"
She walked over to the bed and shook my father. "Jacob, Jacob, why is the window open." But he didn't answer. She reached over to the lamp and pulled the cord that provided her with the light that she needed to see her husband's dull lifeless eyes.
He was dead, nothing but an empty beer bottle.
And next to the lamp on the bedside table was a note where the words "Tell my secret and die like he did. So pipe down." were scribed. And all I did was stand there.
And cry.
  





User avatar
2631 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
Sat Sep 08, 2007 6:16 pm
Rydia says...



Hi there! I see you're new here so welcome to the site. We have a general rule that new members have to critique other people's work before posting their own but don't worry, no one will mind so long as you go post a few comments on some of the other poems and stories. As for a critique...

First, I'd suggest that you leave a full line between each paragraph so that it's easier to read and doesn't look so daunting. In general, I liked this but I'm a little confused. You've placed it under historical fiction but what historical event does it dictate? Perhaps try to make that a little clearer. I like your use of the young girl to tell the story but the piece seems to be lacking in description so maybe add a little more? Also, a few typos and other observations -

Maybe it was me being stupid but it scared me senseless.

I think he was ossified because I could [s]here[/s] hear them yelling all the way from downstairs in the kitchen. [Your use of the word ossified doesn't seem to fit. Throughout the piece, your language is simple and the persona seems to be a child so you need to retain that personality. Certainly add some more description and such but stick with the persona.]

But daddy said he had to because Mr. Fitzgerald constantly obsessed about Russia's government and said that America's government was all wrong.

I didn't quite understand what he meant but mama begged him not to tell, she said there would be consequences.

Daddy was lying down on the bed and mama was standing[s] next to the bed where he lay [/s] over him with her back to me.

Daddy noticed me standing there, reached out his hand and wriggled his fingers at me, waving.[I love this. The irony of the situation and the child's misunderstanding and innocence are portrayed well.]

I got to the bottom of the stairs and walked through the family room and the diner to get into the kitchen.

_______________________________
Overall, a good start but add a little description, fix those typos and extend it. Pm me if you need help with anything and I'll probably see you around.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  





User avatar
35 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 35
Sun Sep 16, 2007 5:21 am
mariahneu says...



This story was a little confusing for me to read...

I would suggest leaving one space between each new paragraph, for the sake of the reader.

There are a lot of grammar mistakes in your story as well.

For example:

When you have dialogue in your story, you must always start a new paragraph for each phrase that one of your characters says. You must also put your puncuation in the right place in your dialouges as well.

Instead of:


"Hey bird," she said to me. "What are you doing up so late darling?"
And again I was in a panic. If mama was down here, with me, then who's upstairs with daddy? I lost it. "Daddy!!" I screamed. I ran back up the stairs my mama close behind me.
"Lily, wait!" she yelled. "What's wrong with daddy?"


Try changing it to:


"Hey, bird," she said to me, "What are you doing up so late, darling?"

And again I was in a panic. If mama was down here, with me, then who's upstairs with daddy? I lost it.

"Daddy!", I screamed.

I ran back up the stairs with my mama close behind me.

"Lily, wait!", she yelled, "What's wrong with daddy?"


As of now, the story is to jumbled for me to read or understand in the way that you would probably want the reader to comprehend it. The format needs to be cleaned up...
  





User avatar
438 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2999
Reviews: 438
Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:00 pm
View Likes
JFW1415 says...



I liked the idea for this story, but the end seems slightly rushed. You had no detail in the end, so I couldn't picture it, which is probably why it seemed so rushed.

Also, since a child is telling the story, I would take out the part about her mother's name being Samantha. Who calls their mother by their first name?

Other than that, all the details were pointed out by the two above me.

~JFW1415
  





User avatar
516 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 516
Fri Oct 05, 2007 5:40 am
chocoholic says...



Hey. I see you haven't reviewed anything yet. You should probably go and review a couple of pieces before posting anything else.

As for the writing, first of all, you need to double space it. It's very hard to read like it is. I wasn't sure about any of the characters. Give us names and descriptions so we can relate to the characters. Also I have no idea when or where this is set. You really do need to either put it in or make it obvious.

I did like the plot, it's an interesting idea and you pulled it off really well.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
  





User avatar
1176 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
Fri Oct 05, 2007 4:30 pm
Twit says...



Ditto what everyone else has said, especially about critting other stuff first. But this was very good! I wasn't expecting the ending. And sad too, how the girl didn't get what was happening...

Anyway, spacing and all what Kitty said.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





User avatar
565 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1395
Reviews: 565
Fri Oct 05, 2007 5:34 pm
Stori says...



It's creepy. I like that. Again, why is this in "historical fiction?" Is there more?

Yeah, you should break up the paragraphs. And please, post more.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques
  








There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.
— Lemony Snicket