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Šekherezada



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Sat Aug 25, 2007 6:08 am
Caligula's Launderette says...



Šekherezada
(To be accompanied with Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade)

"Cards are war, in disguise of a sport."Charles Lamb

Chapter I. The Sea and Sinbad's Ship

[Arizona Territory circa 1870s]

The obscurity of night was welcoming as she slipped from the bed into the parlor of the hotel suite, where she was alone, if only separated by the partition-wall and a wooden door. She lighted no lamp as she entered for she needed no light, her eyes much accustomed to the darkness. Taking her place at the head of the small table, she reached into the pocket of her dressing gown removing her cards. They were her only true possession, a deck of seventy-eight tarot cards that her grandmother had sewn into dress lining; it was the only thing that she had left of her family.

She shuffled them carefully, her fingers bending softly to handle their worn edges. She knew each card by touch, each tear, each crinkle, each nook, and could divine just as well in the dark than during the light of day. With each caress of a card against her palm, it brought back memories laced with soft scent of rosewater and the plink of piano keys; and with each caress it calmed her. With the cards between her palms she could believe that she was leagues beyond this dusty, hot hotel room and cloistered in a secret garden of her own.

She forced those thoughts aside and centered her mind and body on the question. Tonight her question was no different that the previous nights’, nor did she think it would change much. It was always about Mussen or rather in extension of him—herself. With her question firm, she placed each card in their proper position. After one last brush, memorizing the knowledge beneath her fingers, she began to weave the parts together.

She knew what people thought of her hobby, for that is what Mussen called it—a hobby, to be permitted only because of its inherent nonsense. Most prided themselves that they had not sunk so low, that the cards were just trifles, a silly little game to be smirked at.

But the cards never once lied to her. That was more than she could say for the people in her life. Every person she had ever met wanted something from her, every person except her grandmother.

But now the cards were showing her something different, she felt her heart flutter: could it be possible?

Suddenly, and ochre lamp flickered on in the suite’s bedroom, and she flinched at the blast of light into her secluded world. Quickly she gathered up her cards, and as soon as she put them back into her pocket, she was being called.

“Girl!”

She rushed into the bedroom to do his bidding.

Eric Mussen was a large man, all muscle, his golden hair like flaxen hay, his nose had been flattened once, and it gave him a rough appeal, and other women seems to think he was handsome. When she was a child she often dreamed of having golden hair like his, such a contrast to her own russet curls, but now she knew better.

He was sitting on the side of the bed, covers encasing him, his gray eyes fixed on her.

“We’re leaving today for the Larian at Drifter’s Gulch. The coach leaves at first light, I don’t want anything left behind.”

Even dwarfed by blankets and dressed in a nightshirt, he still managed to intimidate her, her muscles tensed and she curled slightly inward at his forceful request.

“Yes, sir.” She murmured, fingers of her left hand brushing over the cards in her pocket. She smiled inside where Mussen couldn’t see, and then there was hope.


Drifter’s Gulch was a little town, like most Mussen had dragged her into. There was one saloon, one hotel—presumably The Larian, one general store, and the Sheriff’s office at the end of the street. There were a few small buildings along Main Street; they appeared dark and not just because curtains were drawn across their windows. As if they were bottles of preserves that someone, anyone, had yet to pop the seal of, and they had been sealed for so long and things were growing inside just under the exoskeleton of timber and glass.

Mussen stomped off towards the saloon after the coach and disappeared, and the other patrons had made their own ways. She knew without a doubt he expected her to follow; and she did, brushing the traveling dust from her jacket, and scurrying after making sure to keep her head low.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

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Sun Aug 26, 2007 8:08 pm
Davidude says...



I'll give my general thoughts first and then move onto individual grammar and spelling issues.

I enjoyed this story. the first few lines drew me in; I was immediately presented with strong imagery, unique and interesting characters and a confident a classy style. thumbs up indeed. You could work a little on the flow of it, I found a few errors and sometimes I felt it verged on the cliche, but I am no expert so I will not say any more.

Tonight her question was no different that the previous nights’, nor did she think it would change much


Tonight her question was no different than the previous nights’, nor did she think it would change much

and other women seems to think he was handsome


and other women seem / seemed to think he was handsome

There were a few small buildings along Main Street; they appeared dark and not just because curtains were drawn across their windows. As if they were bottles of preserves that someone, anyone, had yet to pop the seal of, and they had been sealed for so long and things were growing inside just under the exoskeleton of timber and glass.


I enjoyed the metaphores here, but was still slightly confused by the set up. Consider improving the flow of it. You may also have wanted to say: "yet to pop the seal off" but I don't know.

She knew without a doubt he expected her to follow; and she did, brushing the traveling dust from her jacket, and scurrying after making sure to keep her head low.


Incorrect use of the semi colon, either:

She knew without a doubt he expected her to follow; she did, brushing the traveling dust from her jacket, and scurrying after making sure to keep her head low.

or

She knew without a doubt he expected her to follow, and she did, brushing the traveling dust from her jacket, and scurrying after making sure to keep her head low.

Though putting commas before 'and' is generally discouraged.

Good luck with continuing to write such entertaining as well as original stories. :)
  





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Sun Aug 26, 2007 11:46 pm
Lynlyn says...



AHH. I LOVE YOU.

First of all, congratulations on your familiarity with the best composer ever. And his best work ever. And pretty much the best auditory experience ever, ever, ever.

Yeah, I kinda like that suite.

I wrote a vignette in 9th grade based on it... it wasn't as nice as this. Perhaps I should try again; I just never felt that I found the words for it. You've done beautifully, though. (And I did listen to the first movement as I read.)


It was always about Mussen or rather in extension of him—herself.

I don't really understand this. Maybe "an extension of him"? Even so, I'm not sure. I sort of get where you're going, but I sort of... don't.


But the cards never once lied to her. That was more than she could say for the people in her life. Every person she had ever met wanted something from her, every person except her grandmother.

Ah, such a cool way of finding that... almost stream-of-consciousness? It's great.


Suddenly, and ochre lamp flickered on

Just an itty-bitty typo, but I think you'll agree that should be "an" and not "and".


Eric Mussen was a large man, all muscle, his golden hair like flaxen hay, his nose had been flattened once, and it gave him a rough appeal, and other women seems to think he was handsome.

It's a long sentence and it seems even longer because of the repeated commas followed by "and" - maybe you could shorten it to something like "a rough appeal that other women seemed to find attractive."

There's one more thing that's a little tougher to explain: I would suggest that you add a little break before you launch into talking about Drifter's Gulf, either with a couple of hyphens or stars, or by starting the action and then pausing it to describe the town. As it is, it seems like you're describing it before the story arrives there, since the action doesn't start until the next paragraph - we don't know that Mussen and the woman have reached the town until we hit the next sentence.

Over all, this is fantastic... your mixture of showing/telling is just right, and your descriptions flow very well. I can't wait for the next bit. I'll get to listen to my favorite movement, too. I really want to see where this goes.
"Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world." - G. B. Shaw
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Sat Sep 01, 2007 9:01 am
Caligula's Launderette says...



Davidude,

Thank you for the critique and for pointing out all those typos et al. I wrote that description of Drifter's Gulch very late at night, that is probably why it doesn't make much sense. Thank you for point that out, too. I'm glad you liked it, this is an altogether new genre for me to write in, I love Westerns but I haven't written one before. Albeit this one has a fantasy tint.

Ta,
Cal.


Lynlyn,

Thank you oh-so-much. I love it, too (the opera that is). Thanks for pointing out all those things that don't make sense.

Lynlyn wrote:There's one more thing that's a little tougher to explain: I would suggest that you add a little break before you launch into talking about Drifter's Gulf, either with a couple of hyphens or stars, or by starting the action and then pausing it to describe the town.


I've actually put double space breaks, which though being a tad confusing to some people, is accepted passage of time. Maybe I could describe them entering Drifter's Gulch in the Coach, so it wouldn't be so abrupt. Originally that part was going to begin the second chapter but I decided to start Chapter II with something different.

LOVE YOU BACK.

:P

Ta,
Cal.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?
  





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Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:47 am
Emerson says...



the plink of piano keys
I love the p sound in this sentence. "Plink" is a beautiful word.

Suddenly, an[s]d[/s] ochre lamp flickered on in the suite’s bedroom,


Eric Mussen was a large man, all muscle, his golden hair like flaxen hay, his nose had been flattened once, and it gave him a rough appeal, and other women seems to think he was handsome.
This sentence seems real heavy, bulked down. It works up until, "And other women..." because at that point it comes off like a list about him, so it just becomes too much.

Even dwarfed by blankets and dressed in a nightshirt, he still managed to intimidate her, her muscles tensed and she curled slightly inward at his forceful request.
Should this all be one sentence...? and "her, her" bothers the heck out of me.

She knew without a doubt he expected her to follow; and she did, brushing the traveling dust from her jacket, and scurrying after making sure to keep her head low.
the punctuation in this sentence is odd. Should there be a semicolon where and is used afterwards? and I feel like there should be a comma between, "after" and "making".

Other than those mishaps, no problems. ^_^ I envy the fact that this seems so with ease, like the way a concert pianist would sit down to play, without any nerves or stress and it comes out seamlessly, that is how I imagine you writing. I'm terribly jealous, darling.

One thing that bothered me was a lack of a name for She. Which might be a characterization thing--if she doesn't have a name she can be more looked at as not human. But from a narrative stand point, it bothered me.

Hope to see more. ^_^
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
  





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Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:50 am
Evangelina says...



CAL! I love the entire idea behind it, and the description is lovely. It's great! I want to see more :D
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