Young Writers Society

Title is self-explanatory.

Although...if it isn't...refer to Hourglass, which you (hopefully) have just read. If you haven't, this shall be a rather dull thread for you.

some forty-five paces above

Change that in the beginning. Paces is an odd measuring unit the way you used it.

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And I think you should've stuck with 3rd person throughout the whole story, instead of switching.

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That's all I had a problem with, and you do have a pretty nice story going there. Keep it up.

Also, I like the characters you have going.

Thanks, MH!

I was going for a Christopher Guest sort of thing- something happens, and then all the people vaguely involved comment on it in their own way. (Of course, it's modified a little. )

But! I can look into making the transition a little smoother.

I'm really glad you liked my characters- they're the current bane of my existence.

Anyway...double thanks!

It seems you're going for an almost 19th century style narration, omniscient and vaguely conversational. It's neat, in and of itself.

But your sentences in the prologue are running on to the devil and back.

Sam wrote:At first glance, you would not have suspected this boy were in any way extraordinary- and you most certainly would not have fathomed he were an outlaw, a criminal on the run for committing an almost unspeakable crime (sans dash. try parentheses - as this is almost an aside to the readers) I say ‘almost unspeakable’ because it is oft the horrible offenses that are most whispered about behind locked doors.

If you're going for the Dickensian/19th century - the dashes rather break the effect. Semi-colon is what you need in this.

Rewritten --

revise wrote:At first glance, you would not have suspected this boy were in any way extraordinary- and you most certainly would not have fathomed he were an outlaw, a criminal on the run for committing an almost unspeakable crime. (I say ‘almost unspeakable’ because it is oft the horrible offenses that are most whispered about behind locked doors).

See? Ought to flow more easily over the thoughts and tongue that way.

I like image of the boy - that's quite vivid. Only the impression tends to wander some with the lack of point to the writing. It wanders -- long sentences, run-on somewhat and dashes. Interweave the long with more punctuated interjections. The last sentence - narrator commenting - is good for that sort of variation. Even with the lengthy exposition managed by Dickens and others, they still vary at points - and it helps.

I can't finish now. I'll be back...and pardon the terrible incompletion of these comments. (Oy, the staggering irritation of sharing a PC for the moment... !_!)

Oh, dear! I totally forgot to thank you properly!

So...sentence revision is in order! Let me go get my machete...(deep breath taken here).

I'm not really sure what I'm going for. I suppose Dickensian? That's the only way I've heard it described, so that's what I'll go with.

As I have already given you my most thorough critiques of this (i.e. This is great! Keep it up! no, only joking), I should just like to say that I enjoy the development you're going through with Liberty (she seemed a bit dull at first, although the fact that her stomach was rumbling off the rocker was unique), I like that Luke is adolescent, and still about-to-go-through-puberty, while Jeremy is a Sex God. I love David, I love how horrible and sheltered he is, to the point that he talks to voices. The Jeremy-father dynamic is excellent, and I like how (in a sublte way) you portay the dad as a real person.

I loved it when Jeremy was playing with the hem of Liberty's skirt.

I loved it when Luke and Jeremy were exchanging wits.

I loved it when Jeremy's father told Jeremy to go home.

Liberty

OK. First, I suck. Now, I feel better and we can move on. Seriously, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long. Anyway, since each chapter is in the first person through that character's eyes, I'll divide each one into two parts:

Part One will be the usual junk we all have to weed through such as grammar, spelling, setting, sentence structure, and dialogue.

Part Two will be my in trepidation of your chars. So yes, be prepared, I'll be diligently exploring character development, thus analyzing them.

.Part One –

At the first sign of male prescence I had myself on the floor in a delicate, ladylike swoon of shock.

To me, I think there should be a comma after presence. It seems to add drama to the situation. Also, prescence should be spelled 'presence.'

“Who’s there?” Was barked out again, in a slightly painful-sounding boyish voice. With an accent.

I think if you changed 'Was' and placed 'a voice barked,' it would sound more pleasing to the reader. Theoretically, if someone barked, they're generally yelling very loudly. Would Luke really be the bellowing type? Thus far, my impression of Luke is that he is not that type of individual; then again, maybe I'm wrong.

Now, this brings me to my next point. Obvisouly Luke hasn't hit puberty because you describe a 'painful-sounding boyish voice' but exactly how does Luke's voice sound? I'm assuming it's high-pitched? If that's the case, how about this:

"Who's there?" a voice barked again in a high-pitched, boyish voice.

If you decide to keep the sentence just how it is, put a comma after 'painful-sounding,' and remove 'slightly' because the word is cluttering the sentence. 'Painful-sounding' and 'boyish voice' is enough description to distinguish Luke's voice.

One other point I want to address. At the end of the sentence, I read, 'With an accent.' I'm not totally sure if mentioning Luke's accent is mandatory. We know he's British, so there really is no reason in reminding us. For example, you've met Samuel's father. Welcome's British too but throughout the entire story, I never directly mention an accent. I leave it to the reader to form their own conclusion in that department. However, as stupid as I feel, I had to research the British dialect, read a decent amount about certain areas of England and basically reeducate myself with the country. Hopefully, when readers read about Welcome, there's no second guessing that he's not a Massachusetts native. In your case with Luke, maybe redefining his speech so readers are aware that he hails from England, and they won't forget. Fortunately for us Americans, we have British citizens on YWS.

Exotic and innocent, I figured, using Doris-The-Dirty-Servant’s method to judging a man by his voice.

This sentence confused me mostly because I had no idea what you meant by 'Doris-The-Dirty-Servant.' I know who Doris is however, I just don't understand how the analogy plays a role in the sentence. It would be great if you could elaborate on it.

The blood in my face was starting to congeal against the cold of the floor, (hopefully) giving me a vogue rosy look that I’d been attempting to perfect (indeed, to hide the blemishes on my cheeks that caused my father to go into a rage).

Hmm… I'm not sure, but does this sentence break the show, don't tell rule? Liberty is directly telling us why she has her faced pressed tightly against a concrete floor. Maybe if the sentence was tweaked like this:

The blood in my face was starting to congeal against the cold floor hopefully giving me a vogue rosy look (or appearance) that I'd been attempting to prefect for my father because blemishes caused him to go into a rage.

With that editing, I removed 'of the' to make the sentence floor better but also I removed the parenthesis because I feel they're distracting. Also, if I succeeded, I added some mystery to Liberty's father. Now we know the father is a perfectionist to some degree, but just how much? *winks*

I’d have addressed you while upright, but I figured you liked the floor better.”

Going back to what I mentioned earlier about Luke's dialect and this might be something you might want to ask Jack or Kay, but the few British people I've talked too (face- to-face) don't seem to say 'while' but 'whilst.' It's a word, whilst, I mean that I've seen in colonial speech as well. Even Hancock has used the word, and he's a Massachusetts native but he spent a few years in England.

I only brought the sentence to your attention, depending how authentic you want the story to be.

He heard this and I nearly slapped myself for being so rude until he smiled and looked me straight in the eye.

“I’d have addressed you while upright, but I figured you liked the floor better.”

Now, as for sentence structure, I'd move the dialogue up into the same line after, 'looked me straight in the eye.' Why? Because for me, I was a bit confused who was speaking – Luke or Liberty. I realize dialogue always starts a new line but even I bend that rule, lol. Call me an unorthodox writer.

“And, I would bow and such, but since we’re not in correct position it would be best to do a simple shake.”

Put a comma after 'position.'

‘Hell, no you’re not’ in return.

Put a comma after 'not.' So it would look like this:
'Hell, no you're not,' in return.

“I’m Luke.” I took his hand and shook, rather precariously. “And you are…?”

There's some confusion with this sentence. It took me a few times to understand who was speaking because it's all jumbled. I suggest breaking up certain things like:

"I'm Luke."

I took his hand and shook, rather precariously. "And you are…?"

Now, I have a better understanding who's talking.

“Yes, I’ve met you before.” He said, smiling.

After 'before,' put a comma and 'he' doesn't need to be capitalized in dialogue. For me, I ran into this repetition where I kept writing, 'he said, laughing' or 'he said, smirking.' What I've found is that it nearly clumps the sentences up. So, I'd just say, 'he smiled.'

I sat up, grinning. “Oh yes! When you-“

“We don’t need to review the circumstances,” he said hastily, hiding his face in his hands.

Will this be explained later? I'd like to know why Luke's embarrassed and how is Jeremy part of it?

I silently agreed and then looked for any possible signs of further awkwardness or embarrassment- there were none,

I think a period after 'embarrassment' would benefit the sentence better, and then start a new sentence.

I silently agreed and then looked for any possible signs of further awkwardness or embarrassment- there were none, except for the boy himself, who was a bit…well, homely in any respect, especially up against my recent memories of his brother.

I just thought the description of Luke's appearance was well done, and you've managed adding a glimpse into Jeremy's appearance as well. Jeremy must be fairly good looking, especially since Liberty seems to be attracted to Luke's brother.

…out of the womb at the same time, was one gorgeous and…

Put a 'why' after 'was.'

“What brings you here?” he asked, accent on the you.

Hmm… There's a couple of decisions here. One, if 'accent on the you.' Should remain because it's an important fact contributing to Luke's character, then I suggest put the word, 'you' in italics, to emphasize it.

However, I admit, I'm a compulsive editor, and I'm not entirely convinced that 'accent on the you' is mandatory. I know it's difficult but there has to be a solution in determining that Luke is definitely British and not a Virginian.

For example, let's take a peak at the conflict with Reverend Thompson and Luke. If you read through, granted Thompson told us Luke is British, there was no doubt for me otherwise. I believed Luke was British in the manner of his speech. I suggest staying concise, and try and not remind us that Luke's from England.

Another example I'll offer. If, for instance you read this, does the character sound American? I'm not sure myself, but what do you think?

"Samuel! You wicked, wicked boy," he said, laughing hysterically. "Brilliant! That is bloody brilliant, an outstanding notion."

Have I achieved an American or an Englishman, without directly mentioning it?

If I succeeded, I hope the answer was British. I'm not sure exactly how you can incorporate or distinguish Luke's country but I suggest some research. For me, I did some reading about England, where I'm somewhat comfortable with the country but for you, you might not need to go in depth as much as me, just maybe familiarize yourself, (and pestering Jack will be fun! ). I also apologize for bringing up British dialect constantly, but I'm a stickler with details.

“No one to bother you- unless, of course, you enjoy being bothered.” He raised an eyebrow to indicate a deeper meaning, if you will- obviously recalling the events of our first acquaintance.

Very mysterious indeed. I hope, again, this will be explain because I'd like to know what went possible wrong, and how is Jeremy connected? It appears the three characters, Jeremy, Luke, and Liberty; there is a conflict that happened with them.

That's it for Part One, except for one minor detail, the setting. My first impression when reading about Liberty is she was indoors but somewhere in a basement because of the concrete floor. I also envisioned, while Liberty was pressing her cheeks against the floor, there had to of been a door open, where a clear view of the outdoors is visible ( I pictured it sunny), and Luke eventually makes is appearance by walking inside to meet Liberty. Now, it's really a minor nit-pick, and in this instance, know the setting isn't monitory but what I described is what I saw.

Part Two – Char Development

Liberty

-perfectionist (is concerned about her looks, thus why is subjecting herself to chilled cheeks to hide zits.)
-is afraid of her father to a degree
-is self-conscious
-is attracted to handsome men, so in some regards, Liberty is vain
-is judgmental ( opened my eyes as angrily as could be ladylike to find Jeremy’s brother and Which of course raised my question of why, if two children came out of the womb at the same time, was one gorgeous and the other not so much?
-is completely focused (I can't think of a better word other than 'focused') on being lady-like
-detests being called a man
-very honest (she describes Luke as being homely)
-seems to like reactions like embarrassment or anger
-I'm not sure if Liberty's Anorexic (actually no, now that I think about it) but she will, or it seems, Liberty will starve herself until her father says she is allowed to eat.
-assuming Liberty right now is slender? At least if she assumes hunger is animal-like because her father told her so
-she needs something more, other than food
-has a decent vocabulary
-is religious
-very mature for young teenager

Luke (Since he is mentioned in the Liberty chapter)

-has wit
-lacks charisma (at least in Liberty's POV!)
-is scrawny, homely, has bruised coloured eyes (which indicates either abuse or a fist fight happened), and is unattractive (again only in Liberty's POV)
-able to see objects that cannot be seen by the normal senses or clairvoyant (but you already said that. I'm just being thorough)
-is British
-is polite (mentions he would bow but offers a handshake instead because of the position the characters are in; on the floor)
-very mature for a young teenager
-is generous in a sense (Luke appears to be kind of poor but offers food nonetheless to Liberty)

As for alternative history's sake, this was my first critique; I didn't notice any influences that showed me different areas of eras yet, but I am enjoying myself. You do have an uncanny way of bringing life to characters, and keeping each one different, which is not an easy task. For me though, as I mentioned, I'm an evil editor that will push for details. Keep working hard! Go reward yourself!

Ooh, thanks, Fishr!

I've changed a quite a few of the grammatical/structural things already, and everything is sounding quite nice.

You got the characters dead on...except for one thing: Luke's eyes aren't colored that way because he's abused. He's just got distinctive purple irises- though, naturally they're not as pretty as his brother's. But! I shall find a way to fix that up so it's clearer.

You're very welcome (<=God, that word is getting stranger everytime I say it, lol.)

I'm guessing the critique was helpful because you've already started editing, lol.

Just a reminder though, before I forget. Since Puritans are part of the story, it's only a suggestion to read a bit on the Great Awakening.

The 'Awakening' may or may not play a role, but it might help to at least have the information filed in the back of your head, since religion is part of your story.

Like me, I did some minor reading about the Great Awakening, mostly for Sam Adam's sake. He was a Calvinist but Adams was also referred to as the 'Last Puritan.' Whereas, John Adams was a Unitarian and Henry was an Episcopalian, and about eighty percent of British stock were Protestants.

But yeah, because I made the choice in incooperating religious beliefs in Bound for Glory, I'm starting to read more. Let me tell you, our Founding Fathers had some wild outlooks on life in general.

Have you have question with anything, let me know.

There are a few typos and sometimes the dashes really got annoying. But I found I couldn't stop reading even though it went on for about 18 pages.

Its not really clear what year Hourglass is set but I'm guessing its 19thC and you seemed to use a more modern speech when David was speaking with the red-haired boy who used the word 'gross'.

Other than that I really like the characters of Luke and David (though I'm not too sure how old he is). And I'm questioning why his mother wanted him 'ugly'.

I can't wait for the next installment.