Young Writers Society

Floorboards creak under my heavy boots as I slide into the room from the window. I trip on something soft and am grateful to have caught myself. Such a loud noise would have made my presence known to the couple sleeping peacefully right down the hall.

A whirlpool of thoughts rush through my mind as I see the stuffed animals scattered throughout the pink room. One screams out though, “How will you get her back?”

I recall the terror of not finding her in bed that night not long ago. One of the most wanted criminals in the state had kidnapped her, wanting a non-negotiable ransom. He wanted the contents of the safe from a house which he instructed me to; the one I’m robbing against my wishes.

Stuck in my thoughts, I don’t notice the dark figure appear in the doorway with a gun. I meet his eyes, filled with anger and fear. I try to explain, “Sir, please. I-” Instantly, all hopes of ever seeing my daughter again are ruined.

I care nothing of the excruciating pain spreading in my chest. I want poor Cathryn to be safe again. I mumble, “Just get her back, give it to him...”

I suddenly relax, everything slips from my grasp. I drop the paper with the instructions to the robbery and the location of the safe at the feet of the shaking man. My last prayer to God comes true as he opens the closet, finding the safe under the floorboards.

Yeah, this doesn't make any sense.

Who is the figure? The resident of the household? Some rival thief somehow out on the same quest? Both are unlikely based on the events that unfold, and yet, really, it can only be one or the other. If you give me no clues, then you can expect me not to arrive at any conclusion.

There is the possibility that the dark figure is a metaphorical manifestation of the narrator's determination; this, I suppose, is the most likely, even in its abstractness. Even then, I lack the evidence to support my claim - you describe the figure very directly, very robotically, and very minimally. "Dark figure appear[ed] in the doorway with a gun." That's all you say. What do you expect me to infer from this?

And, if my last, most-likely-in-the-circumstances guess is correct, then simply having the figure shoot him is an extremely - forgive me - narrow-minded approach to making your metaphorical interactions realistic. Clearly the dark figure is something of a driving force in the narrator, because it continues onward while the felled narrator cannot. This doesn't make sense - only cowardice, the polar opposite of determination and bravery, would "shoot you down," so to speak.

Narrator's daughter is captured. Narrator needs to steal some money to get her back. He enters a house. A dark figure, supposedly symbolizing some inner inertia pulling Narrator forward, appears out of nowhere. It shoots Narrator (Reason: NA). It knows to take over Narrator's job. The end.

There you go, your synopsis. The story works neither on a literal nor metaphorical level.

You fill a portion of this up with utterly unnecessary information. The trick to small pieces like these is to sustain the atmosphere through the mechanisms of description and emotion. If you incessantly lurch back and forth between flashbacks and brief interludes of fuzzy imagery and action scenes, then not only will your writing sound incredibly rushed, but any atmospheric tension will quickly be lost in vacuum.

You don't want that, of course. What you really need to do is cut back on the amount of information you provide me. Does it really matter who captured Narrator's daughter, what the price is, all that? No! All I need to know is that the narrator needs to steal something in order to get someone he loves back. Feed me this information in small mouthfuls, and be subtle about it. You don't have to give me everything at once, especially in such a short little piece as this.

I'm a bit irked about the way the last scene, the murder, let's call it, was orchestrated. The gunshot, that crucial moment - it was simply cast off as if nonexistent! What's with that? It only contributes to your generally rushed tone. All you have to do, more or less, is say "there was a shot." That's it.

Okay, so hopefully you were able to make something of my review. Keep writing!

-Kafka

Sorry for the late reply as I was having some technical difficulties with my computer but here I am now. I think you did a great job in grasping my attention. You have surely created a lot of suspense. And I understand the situation here so no need to worry about that. You could have added a little more description. Like the bullet being fired or the character's ears going numb. But on the whole, great job.