Young Writers Society

This is an excerpt from the last chapter I wrote. Let's throw in a summary for it: Julius, my protagonist, ran into an old woman called Hafeeza before he enters his house. Hafeeza is a 75 years old woman who used to treat Julius's mother badly before she was killed. Julius's mother was all he loved and cherished and so he wished to avenge his mother, even if by a few rude words. So, he picked on the old woman and yelled at her until she cried out and screamed in the middle of the road.
People thought he was a criminal, existed their houses and attacked Julius until he fainted.....
So, let's read!

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I could imagine that it was quite similar to drowning, even though I had never experienced that feeling. Like one would be surprised by the murderous waves as he tried to slap the water with pleading arms, I also had my share of desperate attempts to protect my face from the fists that seemed to be made of steel.

My moans grew louder as the tips of their shoes penetrated my sides like a collection of thick nails striking against my flesh and kidneys, forcing my soul to cringe and my body to squirm on the asphalt. Their hard knuckles met with my jaw, my cheekbones and my eyes that thumbed in rhythm with the heart that bounced behind my aching ribs. I coughed again and again, pushing out the droplets of blood that trailed from my gum and inner cheeks, tasting like a strong blend of rust and weakness.

My body hadn’t the chance to tremble and I thought my muscles were to tear into thin tissues with every rigorous blow. Their voices rose over my shrieks for air, encouraging each other to make me regret my terrible deeds, damning me and the day I was born.

“Yea, like that! He'll think again before he hits another woman!”

They never stopped, neither did the pain that spread through my body like ink invading a glass of water- too swift, too venomous.

My back arched and a loud gasp tore through my throat, trying to endure the anguish I experienced and the doom that was to come. But of that pleasure, I was also deprived, for a foot had landed with grinding strength against my crumpled insides, hauling every particle of air I only wished to inhale.

All my desperate attempts were met with great failure, allowing me one more strength to seek: To stare at the black sky and shed a few tears in silence before my body would perish into a bloodless shell.

"Stop! He's not a criminal. I know him, he isn’t a criminal!"

A female voice had broken the chain of their persistent assaulting, stolen their attention from my bruised body to the person I hadn't the power to look at. Thankful, but weak and owning a head as light as a feather, I voiced a long moan before I rested my head to the side and finally allowed myself to lose consciousness.

I love this. I love the detail in which you describe the pain the character is going through. You use a different range of words and images and the story doesn't get boring or monotonous to read.

I'd say it was too short, but as you said it's just an excerpt. Whichever way, I think you should carry the entire thing on.

I didn't notice any major mistakes although there are a few things I'd probably change to make it sound a little better, though really, it's okay as it is.

I could imagine that it was quite similar to drowning, even though I hadnever experienced that feeling.

Like one would be surprised by the murderous waves as he tried to slap the water with pleading arms, I also had my spare of desperate attempts to protect my face from the fists that seemed to be made of steel.

Do you mean "I also had my share of desperate attempts"?

My moans grew louder as the tips of their shoes penetrated my sides like a collection of thick nails striking against my flesh and kidneys, forcing my soul to cringe and my body to squirm on the asphalt.

But of that pleasure, I was also deprived, for a foot had landed with grinding strength against my crumpled insides, hauling every particle of air I only wished to inhale.

Personally, I'd change this sentence to something a little simpler, for example, "But I was deprived of even that pleasure, for a foot had met my crumpled body with grinding force, taking from me each particle of air I had only wished to inhale."

Firstly, I changed the word "strength" to "force" because it just seems more fitting. Secondly, although "had landed with grinding force against my crumpled insides" created quite a vivid image, at the same time, it doesn't make much sense. You don't have to use my example, but I think that sentence needs a bit of editing for those reasons.

They never stopped neither did the pain that spread through my body like ink invading a glass of water- too swift, too venomous.

I'd just change the punctuation slightly here. "They never stopped, and neither did the pain spreading through my body like ink invading a glass of water; too swift, too venomous."

A harsh voice had broken the chain of their persistent assaulting, stolen their attention from my bruised body to the person I hadn't the power to look at.

Thankful, but weak and owning a head as light as a feather, I voiced a long moan before I rested my head to the side and finally allowed myself to faint.

This is just my opinion, but I think it would sound even better if you changed the "faint" to something a little more dramatic. For instance: "Thankful, but weak and owning a head as light as a feather, I voiced a long moan before I rested my head to the side and finally allowed myself to lose consciousness."

Those are all the things that I wanted to point out; but those are just small things which I think would make the overall excerpt sound better. I really liked your writing and the vivid images that it brought to mind, so well done, and keep writing!

I hope that this helped,

~MorningMist~

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
I haven't a way to thank you for your review! I was very pleased with that piece, but I wished to make sure and hear another opinion. I liked the tips and changed a few sentences accordingly.
You got my hopes up, for sure and I'll probably start writing the next scene. <3 Thank you!!

If this was a novel in a bookstore, I’d buy it, just because of the title, and if this is how you continue writing rest of the novel, I won’t even be disappointed!
I love how you illustrated the attacking scene. It was like I could literally imagine Julius getting beaten up to that extent, and the way you wrote how he felt when he was getting beaten up, I could familiarize with the pain.
That, I think is an amazing quality. You can keep your readers enthralled.
write the novel D:!

Gheal, darling! I'm here to review said excerpt as requested!

So, I've really missed your writing and it's great to see you up and in motion again with your novel. It's been too long and I'm really looking forward to reading the entire thing! You taunt me with this, you know that? It's not exactly fair! Anyway, back to the review:

My moans grew louder as the tips of their shoes penetrated my sides like a collection of thick nails striking against my flesh and kidneys, forcing my soul to cringe and my body to squirm on the asphalt

I don't think 'moan' is the right word to use in this situation. It seems like they're really going down on him, hard. That said it probably feels a hell of a lot worse than just being able to 'moan' more like...gasp? Or something else that describes a short intake of a painful breath. Try the thesaurus, it might help. I use a thesaurus too when I'm stumped for words.

Their voices rose over my shrieks for air, encouraging each other to make me regret my terrible deeds, damning me and the day I was born.

Again here, I don't think 'shrieks' is the right word to use. Shriek makes me think he's screaming like a girl and we all know Jules ain't no girl. He's a strong guy and thus said, I think he deserves a bit of a stronger word to describe his cry of pain. :c

And Gah! Who is that old woman he was arguing with?! I want to know and where is Aurora when we need her? She should save him! Poor Jules, getting into this sort of predicament... I have faith that he will come out of this victorious! <:3

Also, this was very nicely written, Gheal. Really. I liked how you compared this feeling to drowning and trashing your arms around, trying to save yourself but the endeavor is just fruitless. :'c It was a great comparison between the two and a wonderful opening to the unfolding scene itself. *Applauds*

However, this piece did leave me wishing for more answers but I know I won't get them until I have your book in my hands! >:D I'm glad you kept a little bit of mystery throughout it though because it's still an excerpt and you don't want to tell us 'everything'.

Good job, Gheal. I enjoyed reading your metaphors and descriptions, as always and I feel pitiful towards Julius. Continue writing and PM me if you need anything or just want to talk! <3 I'll be here!

Much love,
-Pinky