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Young Writers Society


Beauty and the Beast



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11 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 858
Reviews: 11
Sat Oct 01, 2011 8:41 pm
callmeike says...



The cold wind kissed her cheek while the snowflakes gently swayed back and forth with such grace and peacefulness it looked as though they were rocking themselves to sleep. But all was not well. She heard Beasts' growls outside near the courtyard. Belle quickly stopped day dreaming and ran to his aid. As she came closer to the large twin doors she heard screams, not of beasts, but of the villagers!
"Leave me alone!" Beast roared with such animosity, fear pierced into the the heart of the most fierce of warriors, including the brave Gaston. Belle ran to his side trying to calm him.
"Beast! Do not fight with them." She pleaded.
"I won't," He said, eyes fixed on Gaston, "If they don't attack." He scanned the mob looking at the numbers and weapons they brought. They gripped their weapons nervously staring at the mighty animal. Gaston gripped his musket, waiting for a move.
"Get inside." He whispered to Belle.
"No I wont leav-" Before she could finish he threw her inside just to get grazed by the Gastons' bullet. He let out a bitter roar and charged the mob.
Belle quickly ran to the door, but it was locked. She peeked through the bullet hole in the door and gasped. The horror of seeing Beast slash and gash all of the people with disregard paralyzed her with fear. The screams of the people echoed in her head and stood there for an eternity it seemed.
Gaston stuck a spear into Beast's left shoulder painting his fur a dark crimson red.
"It bleeds!" He screamed to the others before being flung into the stone wall. There was still a large amount of them, wildly swinging their pitchforks and spears cutting him in every which way.
Belle looked for something to pry or bust the door open. She found an axe laying beside some firewood. The axe was dull and not cutting all the way through. Finally she burst through the door seeing the snow splattered red and Beast raising his claw for one swift swipe to finish Gastons' villainous ways.
"Stop!" She shouted, "Please stop!" Beast had fire in his eyes and hate in his heart.
"Beast, please stop this." His claw slowly lowered, and realized what he had done. He dropped to his knees and Belle hurried to his side.
"I'm a monster. your father was right, everyone was right." He stared at his hands, looking at all the lives he took with them.
"No your not." She turned his head so she can look into his bright green eyes. "You protected me and gave me a place to live."
"I kidnapped you." He shot back.
Gaston awoke from his unconsciousness looking for his knife.
"And look at us now, we love each other, and I don't care what you look like or how destiny brought us together," She smiled, "I love you."
"I love you to-" Beasts' eyes widened and fell to the ground. Gastons blade was deep into his back.
"Beast!" She screamed in terror.
"You will marry me Belle." He smugly said wiping the hair out of his face.
"Never will I go with you! You- your the monster, not him!" He raised a brow and sternly stepped towards her getting in her face.
"No was never an option." She backed away and tripped on her dress. "Now come," he said giving her a hand, "The village will be ecstatic that I saved you."
"Save? You are enslaving me into a horrible life of-" He raised his hand in the air ready to strike her down, when Beast tackled him to the snowy asphalt, tearing his claws deep into his chest and anywhere else he could, his crave for retribution was violently satisfying. A mighty roar of triumph echoed in the dark forest. Belle cowered in her arms until all was silent. She peeked her eyes watching him staggered to his feet.
"Beast! Are you ok?" She said helping him keep his balance.
"I am fine, did he hurt you?" he said stumbling to the snow. He was at his end. His strong arms could not hold their own weight, his broad smile was no more, and his beautiful emerald green eyes, shut.
"Beast?" She said putting her ear to his chest, no pulse. "Beast! Don't go, please!" She held on to him hoping that he could hear her and just open his eyes on last time to hear her soft voice say the three words that he longed to hear: "I love you."
  





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67 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2927
Reviews: 67
Sat Oct 01, 2011 9:39 pm
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Epicdonkalous says...



You said this was a retelling of Beauty and the Beast? I liked how it was written because it read well, but I thought it wasn't original enough, though I liked how he ended up dying at the end. I know retellings are close to the original, but this seemed too close for it to be written by you. Try telling it from a different perspective, or adding slight changes that gives the whole story an air of "Hey-I-wrote-this". Hope this helps! c:
"... syphon the white from my heart, lick the wine from my lips and enjoy the deconstruction of me"
  





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88 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2290
Reviews: 88
Sun Oct 02, 2011 3:18 am
ZannaShepherd says...



I love Beauty and the Beast! I read through your story, blue is what I like, and red is things you should change (I changed most of them already. I’m not very good at editing, so this is just my opinion and you’re welcome to ignore it. Here goes:


The cold wind kissed her cheek while the snowflakes gently swayed back and forth with such grace and peacefulness it looked as though they were rocking themselves to sleep. But all was not well. She heard Beasts' growls outside near the courtyard. Belle quickly stopped day dreaming and ran to his aid. As she came closer to the large twin doors she heard screams, not of Beasts, but of the villagers! ( The intro was ok, it flowed nicely, and immediately laid the setting.)


"Leave me alone!" Beast roared with such animosity, fear pierced into the the heart of the most fierce of warriors, including the brave Gaston. Belle ran to his side trying to calm him. (Nice, delete one 'the'.)

"Beast! Do not fight with them." She pleaded.

"I won't," He said, eyes fixed on Gaston, "If they don't attack." He scanned the mob looking at the numbers and weapons they brought. They gripped their weapons nervously staring at the mighty animal. Gaston gripped his musket, waiting for a move.

"Get inside." He whispered to Belle.

"No I wont leav-" Before she could finish he threw her inside just to get grazed by the Gastons' bullet. He let out a bitter roar and charged the mob. (If he loved her would he really 'throw' her somewhere? Maybe use a gentler word, for example 'ushered'.)

Belle quickly ran to the door, but it was locked. She peeked through the bullet hole in the door and gasped. The horror of seeing Beast slash and gash all of the people with disregard paralyzed her with fear. The screams of the people echoed in her head and she stood there for an eternity it seemed. (it flows better if you add 'she' or Belle here.)

Gaston stuck a spear into Beast's left shoulder painting his fur a dark crimson red. (nice imagery/description)

"It bleeds!" He screamed to the others before being flung into the stone wall. There were still a large amount of them, wildly swinging their pitchforks and spears cutting him in every which way. (flows smoother with 'were;)

Belle looked for something to pry or bust the door open. She found an axe laying beside some firewood.(a little too convenient don't you think?) The axe was dull and not cutting all the way through. Finally she burst through the door seeing the snow splattered red and Beast raising his claw for one swift swipe to finish Gastons' villainous ways. (I like the way you worded this, good job)

"Stop!" She shouted, "Please stop!" Beast had fire in his eyes and hate in his heart.

"Beast, please stop this." His claw slowly lowered, and he realized what he had done. He dropped to his knees and Belle hurried to his side.

"I'm a monster. Your father was right, everyone was right." He stared at his hands, looking at all the lives he'd taken with them.

"No your not." She turned his head so she could look into his bright green eyes. "You protected me and gave me a place to live."

"I kidnapedyou." He shot back.

Gaston awoke from his unconsciousness looking for his knife.

"And look at us now, we love each other, and I don't care what you look like or how destiny brought us together," She smiled, "I love you."

"I love you to-" Beasts' eyes widened and he fell to the ground. Gastons blade was imbedded deep into his back.

"Beast!" She screamed in terror.

"You will marry me Belle." He smugly said wiping the hair out of his face. (Who's saying this, it's little confusing at first)

"Never will I go with you! You- your the monster, not him!" Gaston raised a brow and sternly stepped towards her getting in her face.

"No was never an option." She backed away and tripped on her dress. "Now come," he said giving her a hand, "The village will be ecstatic that I saved you."

"Save? You are enslaving me into a horrible life of-" He raised his hand in the air ready to strike her down, when Beast tackled him to the snowy asphalt, tearing his claws deep into his chest and anywhere else he could, his crave for retribution was violently satisfying. A mighty roar of triumph echoed in the dark forest. Belle cowered in her arms until all was silent. She peeked her eyes watching him staggered to his feet. (you should rephrase this line, 'peeked her eyes'?

"Beast! Are you ok?" She said helping him keep his balance.

"I am fine, did he hurt you?" he said stumbling to the snow. He was at his end. His strong arms could not hold their own weight, his broad smile was no more, and his beautiful emerald green eyes, shut.

"Beast?" She said putting her ear to his chest, no pulse. "Beast! Don't go, please!" She held on to him hoping that he could hear her and just open his eyes on last time to hear her soft voice say the three words that he longed to hear: "I love you."


Ok, I hoped that was helpful, you have a great style of writing and I hope you continue to use it! Good luck, have fun, and keep up the good work!
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna
  








He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
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