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ARTEG



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Gender: Male
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Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:09 pm
max8537 says...



This story is a bit long, so you might want to get comfortable.


Will slammed into the hard, bumpy surface of the wall, his spine making a crunching noise as it hit a particularly sharp rock. He winced, and ducked quickly, feeling the hairs on his head shift as the hammer swung over his head and smashed into the wall. The big man in front of Will was heavily muscled, with stubble on his chin, a nasty grin, and the center of Will’s attention, being the mans huge fists. The man smiled an ear the ear grin that sent chills down Will’s spine, and then swung again, the momentum from the hammer making the man sway clumsily as Will dodged the hammer again, and dived for the man’s crotch.
No matter how big the adversary, one hard hit in the right spot, and the man was doubled over, his face red, gasping for breath as the pain hit him. Will slammed the man’s head against his knee, making a satisfying crunch. The man slowly toppled like a big ship capsizing, and slammed against the floor, unconscious. Will sprinted for the door, which was actually just a hole knocked in the wall of the cave, with jagged edges and no actual door to open or close.
In the hallway, the men and woman stared at Will uncomprehendingly, their mouths hanging open. As if activated by a trigger, all the men and women started whooping and yelling, laughing and shouting, their joy coming as suddenly as a tidal wave. People were groping at Will, hoisting up onto their shoulders, and strutting around the big cavern with Will on top, like a beacon of freedom to the slaves.
Will, infected by the joy that seemed to fill the cavern, and lighten the air, failed to notice the two dark figures slip into the cavern, both holding knives that glowed like a star. “Hey, Will, you idiot, get over yourself, and lets move!”
It was Josh, one of Will’s best friends, who had accompanied Will and James the moment he had heard about the mission. Will, remembering his duties, lowered himself to the ground, and pushed his way through the admiring crowd, pushing towards his friends. He met up with them, grinning stupidly. “You see that? They all love me!”
“C’mon, hero boy, get a grip. Just because they love you doesn’t mean anyone else does,” teased Josh. Will grinned at him, while trying to give him a death glare. The two contrasting emotions didn’t exactly fit well on the same face, and Josh burst out laughing, while the boy next to him stayed quiet.
“Dude, Seb, loosen up a little, man! It’s not like we’re in the middle of a war! It’s ok to laugh.” Exclaimed Will.
“Whatever guys, let’s just get out of here. I didn’t want to come in the first place, because this place creeps you out.”
“Don’t be a wimp, just deal.” Josh showed off his not-so-impressive biceps.
“No, I think Seb’s got a point. We’ve got to move! Our mission was to get the stone, and I’ve got it.” Will patted his pocket. “I’ll take the lead, Josh, watch my back, and Seb, go ahead and see if we’ve got a situation on our hands or not.”
Sebastian ran ahead, keeping low to the ground in case someone who wasn’t invited to the party came around the corner. Pulling their knives, Will and Josh followed at a good distance. The shadows made for an eerie effect, and the stone and dirt on the walls sometimes looked like blood. Sebastian came running back. “Nothing out there.”
“Alright, cool. Let’s just get out of here. Josh, you call our ride.” Will barked, feeling good about the mission. Just then, a low rumbling noise sounded from back inside the cave. “Josh, we might need that ride right about… nowish. I don’t think Sleeping Beauty back there liked the show we put on. Let’s roll.”
The trio set off at a fast pace, almost sprinting, while Josh pulled out a flat stone, with a few marks on it, and placed his hand on it. It started to wiggle, straightening out, until it became the shape of a clay snake, with eyes that looked to real. Josh began to speak to the little clay animal. “Transport, now! We’ve got a hostile on our trail, he’s fast and he’s big. This might get nasty.” Finished, Josh whispered a few words in a strange language, and the clay on the skin of the animal shimmered, becoming real scales. The animal’s eyes lit up with life, and the snake slithered onto the floor, shooting ahead.
“Why couldn’t I have gotten any other type of Speech Rock? The snakes ones just freak me out. The ones I like are the wolf ones. They are so cool!” Josh exclaimed. Will rolled his eyes.
“What is it with you and wolves?”
“Aww, shut up,” mumbled Josh. Ahead of the three boys, a little pinprick of sunlight became visible. And, behind them, the giant echoing sound of a big man’s steps bounced around the tunnel. Without saying a word, the boys set off towards the light, the sound of footsteps getting louder and louder. As the boys approached the entrance, another sound became audible. A faint electric whining, a humming sound that signified the presence of the boys’ ride.
The boys hurtled through the mouth of the tunnel, the ground shaking as the man behind them swung his hammer in a rage. The ride in front of them was a rectangular platform, with cone shaped tip, and two rotors on the sides of the platform. The boys dived onto the platforms, and quickly slammed on the red ignition button.
“C’mon, get going!” Will groaned desperately.
The rotors on the sides of the ship began to turn, and the crafts shot two feet in the air, hovering above the ground, as two rotors facing backwards ignited, launching the boys forward, just as the giant launched himself through the entrance to the cave system, spotting the boys, and in his rage, throwing his hammer like a throwing knife. The hammer twirled in the air once or twice, and hurtled towards Sebastian’s aircraft. Spotting the hammer, Sebastian saved his own life with lightning fast reflexes, turning hard to the right, letting the hammer fall harmlessly to the ground.
A giant roar of rage could be heard from the giant man, his muscles and veins bulging. “Oh, yeah! That’s how I roll!” Exclaimed Josh excitedly. The two other boys let out whoops, laughing at the face of the giant who stood at the entrance to the cave. As they laughed, an eagle soared next the Will’s plane; it’s powerful wings beating. Then, it launched itself at Will’s cockpit. Instead of slamming into the glass, the animal simply shot through the glass, landing at Will’s feet in the shape of a clay eagle. Will picked up the eagle, the clay hard against Will’s hand.
“What the hell just happened?” Sebastian yelled into Will’s plane, an intercom that allowed all three planes to converse rattled as Sebastian screamed.
“Dude, inside voices? Ever heard of them?” Will’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Anyways, it was just a message from Chief. Chill out.”
Will tapped the clay animal, and the mouth of the animal began to glow a bright blue, and started to speak. “This is Chief, to Will Bastfay. Will, we’re putting your aircraft on autopilot to head back to base. Don’t touch the controls. Also, do you have the stone?” The clay animal stopped glowing, becoming inanimate in Will’s hands.
“Yes, we do have the stone. The mission is complete.” Will said into his hands. The animal glowed, and then turned into an eagle, thankfully outside of the cockpit. Will took his hands off the controls of his ship, and then turned on his microphone. “Guys, we’re supposed to let the autopilot bring us back to base!”
“We know… You forgot to turn off your microphone before. It was on the whole time.” Josh sighed.
“Oh…” Will grinned sheepishly, and saw Josh rolling his eyes from the other ship. The rest of the trip was spent in silence, with all the boys looking at the sights below them, or trying to think about something. When they finally reached the base, the boys were incredibly bored. They landed, and Will got up from his lying down position in the cockpit, stretching as the glass was raised. He jumped down from the aircraft, as the others did the same. Two men stood beside the ships.
“If you’ve scratched those ones, I will personally kill you! Do you know how much work it takes to fix those scratches?” One of the men demanded.
“Yes. And it’s not very hard. I worked here during the summer.” Josh smiled cheekily, as the group headed towards the door. They went from the hangars, which were open at one wall, and had hundreds of the aircrafts, to a hallway, with lots of high tech equipment in rooms they passed. This was normal, as there were always people doing their own research and things like that in the compound. Only a few people passed the boys as they headed down several hallways, to the Chief’s quarters. It had taken them months to figure out the layout of the gigantic complex.
They finally reached the Chief’s room, and knocked politely. “Come in.” A muffled but familiar voice from the inside of the room answered.
The boys headed in. The room was huge, with a desk in the middle, which was stuffed full of the Chief’s things and papers, but organized into little piles. A computer sat in the middle of all the papers, and books. The walls were lined with bookshelves, with the one wall behind the Chief’s desk made out of glass, overlooking some ocean view. The room had lots of chairs and tables sitting in little sets, ready for any sort of conference or meeting. “Ah, the famous trio! I’ve been waiting for you.” The Chief beamed.
“We got the rock, made sure it didn’t get broken.” Will said eagerly, placing the rock on the Chief’s desk.
“Excellent work boys! And you did it without any power! Extraordinary. By the way, did you find the device that the man was using to cancel out the powers?” The Chief looked puzzled.
“No, but there were a few caverns that we didn’t explore.” Sebastian replied, as eager as Will to report.
“Ah, well, the rock is the important thing.” The Chief looked a little disappointed, but then he lit up when he realized that what he had just said was exactly right. He took the rock, and closed his eyes for a few seconds, obviously conversing with his secretary. Seconds later, two men walked into the room, and took the rock, placing it in a bag which read, “Confiscated Items.”
“Alright boys, you’d better get some rest.”
The boys headed out of the office, and sped down the same hallway when they reached an intersection of four different hallways, each leading to the sleeping quarters of the different Vertali. Will lay down on his bed, after having lowered the blinds, turned off the lights, and closed the door so that he was in complete darkness.

Will was walking towards the front door of his brightly lit house, back from his late soccer game, fuming from the humiliating loss that day, and the obviously biased judges. He opened the front door, fumbling a little with the lock. Sweeping his sweaty hair back from his forehead, he called out, “I’m home!”
“Will!” His mother screamed from upstairs. “Get up here, now!”
Will cautiously poked his head in his mother’s room’s door. “Yes, mom?”
“You refused to call your father and I, and you headed out without telling us to a late soccer game. You didn’t even think about how worried we would be that you were gone when we came home, and that you weren’t home after 10! You are grounded young man!”
“But I swear I left you a note!” Will protested.
“Don’t lie to me! All you’ve ever done is lie, lie, lie!” His mother was obviously over-reacting, and in a stressful position, so Will didn’t protest. He went straight to his room, his anger doubled, even tripled. He punched his punching bag, slammed his pillow, and screamed into his blanket, but nothing relieved him of his tension. He imagined how cool it would be to slam his mother against a wall, and watch her squirm for once, instead of it always being him who was doing something wrong. He balled all his anger up, and focused it on the thought of his mom being squashed against the wall, thinking it would relieve his anger. Then, from across the hall, he heard a thump, and a cry of pain.
Will rushed across the hall into his mother’s room, and saw her crumpled at the bottom of the wall next to her bed, wincing in pain. “What happened?”
“I was just reading right here, and all of a sudden I was thrown against the wall! There was no one here, and nothing here!” Will’s mom was hysterical.
“I swear I’m not going crazy, Will!”
“Mom! Mom, calm down. Calm down, ok?”
Will flicked on the lights, concentrating on-
“Will!”
“WILL!”
“Will!” Will blinked a few times, his eyes adjusting to the brightness in his room, slowly focusing his eyes. He sat up sluggishly. Josh was standing next to his bed, his hair ruffled and almost transparent because of the light filtering through the window in Will’s room.
“I’ve been trying to get you awake for the past 10 minutes, you stupid lazy lump!” Josh rolled his eyes, exasperated. Will just groaned, stumbling to his drawer.
“Wadyawantgetoutofmyroomandstopbotheringme!” Mumbled Will, slumped against the dresser.
“We’ve got training today, remember? Dude, Mr. Tuff is not going to be happy. There’s a reason he was named Mr. Tuff, even if the spelling is different!” Josh was grinning, as if loving the thought of Will getting pounded to little bits by Mr. Tuff, the director of training. His last name was really Tuff, and Mr. Tuff hadn’t even changed his name, ever.
Suddenly, Will was alert, stripping down to his boxers at light speed and stuffing his legs into a pair of jeans, running out the door to his room whilst tightening his belt. He rushed down the hallway, Josh following him, and slammed open the doors to the training rooms, startling the kids already in the room.





































Chapter 2


“Oh, look, Mr. Bastfay decided to join us. Let’s all bow down before the sleepy king! Did we wake mithtow thweepy weepy up? Ooh, I’m thowwy.” Mr. Tuff was smiling in a demon like manner that scared Will.
“Sorry, sir.” Will managed to stutter.
“I’m afraid that isn’t enough. Because Will here was kind enough to finally join us, I think that we’ll all do 20 laps of this training room!” The whole class groaned simultaneously. Mr. Tuff grinned a wide grin, enjoying the obvious frustration of the class. Death glares shot towards Will.
“Just because all of you have your fancy little superpowers, you can’t go around thinking that you can be Superman and save the day looking like fat tubs of blubber! Get on your feet!” Mr. Tuff bellowed. The whole class jumped to their feet, and still glaring, started running. Will huffed and puffed as he completed his laps of the dojo. The room was actually pretty big, the size of a soccer field, because with lots of kids who needed to learn their martial arts and practice different skills, it had to be.
Will leaned on his knees, breathing hard, trying to get his heart to stop thudding against his rib cage.
“Dude, I know you’ve been on a break for the past two weeks, but you’re really out of shape. I mean really, really out of shape!” Sebastian grinned at Will, gloating.
“You’re almost never faster than me, it’s just because I’ve been sunbathing and swimming on the beach for the past two weeks that you’ve finally beat me!” Will protested.
“Finally? What do you mean finally, I’m always faster than you,” Sebastian exaggerated a gigantic grin, making sure that Will knew how proud he was.
“Next week, when I’m back to leaving your scrawny ass in the dust, I’m going to be the one laughing at you!” Will relished the thought, making a mental note to do some more laps, so that the beautiful moment he was envisioning was sure to happen sooner.
“Whatever. You couldn’t beat me if you had a horse, and I had a bag of bricks on my back,” Sebastian showed off his muscles, embarrassing himself in front of all the other people in the dojo.
“If you’re done admiring yourself, even though there isn’t much to admire, could you please pay attention to the things that actually matter?” Mr. Tuff inquired sarcastically, poison dripping off his every word.
Sebastian’s face got red, while all the other boys and girls smirked, enjoying watching Sebastian squirm under Mr. Tuff’s fierce gaze. “40 pushups.” Everyone grinned. “For everyone!” Faces fell all around the room, people looking crestfallen. Sebastian and Will, it seemed, were the hated pair that day.
“I. Hate. Him.” Will grunted as he did his 40th push up. Sebastian nodded grimly, his final push up finally done. Breathing hard, the whole class glared at Mr. Tuff, their bad feelings towards Will and Sebastian disappearing as they realized that Mr. Tuff was the common enemy.
Training seemed to go on for ages. The clock ticked as Mr. Tuff worked them hard, working Will especially hard, because he ad been on a vacation before the latest mission he had been on, in the cave system, which had only lasted a day, so it wasn’t very significant.
After training, the two boys headed out from the large dojo, and sweating, headed down the hallway. “Dude. That was totally uncool, what Mr. Tuff just did. That should be illegal or something! I almost died in the room today.” Sebastian whined, groaning.
“Yeah. That guy is a real piece of work. Some day, someone is going to smack him right in that smug face of his, and I hope with every cell in my body that the person who does it is going to be me.” Will grinned at the very thought.
Sebastian nodded. “Want to go train?”
“What? We just got back from training, and it was freaking horrible!” Will exclaimed, surprised.
“I don’t mean that kind of training, dumbass! I mean power training.” Sebastian sounded exasperated.
“Oh! Yeah, sure, we should.” Will nodded, seeing the reason in Sebastian’s suggestion. The two boys turned around, heading back towards the way they came, to go to the training room that was specifically built for training with powers. They passed the dojo, glaring at the very sight of it, and headed down into the training room. Sebastian headed in first, Will right after.
The sight of it again reminded will of the first time he had seen it. He had been with Sebastian, and he was taking a tour of the compound. He had gasped as he had seen the dummies to practice on, the weights and exercise materials in the corner for upper body strength, and the hugeness of the room. The room was fireproof; the walls were thick and almost impossible to break. The room had a super efficient heating system, so if anyone ever tried anything like freezing the entire room, the heating would go into action. There were obstacle courses, and various objects that you would find in different scenarios that could be used as weapons. For example, a pile of leaves could be used to train yourself to fight while someone was trying to distract you with things that they could throw at you. Or someone who could control metal could, if needed, use a blade of grass as a weapon by transforming it into metal, and throwing it like a knife.
“Wow. This room still amazes me. I’ve never even tried the obstacle courses, I’ve been so busy trying everything else out.” Will grinned.
“Yeah, this room is major beastage.” Sebastian grinned a smile as wide, or wider than Will’s.
Will and Sebastian ran to opposite sides of the room, and started training. Will rain straight to the weights. Lifting objects with his telekinesis was hard if the objects were heavy, so will took a stack of 4 50 pound weights, the total of 200 pounds making hiss mind strain.
He felt a sort of tug as the part of his brain he was using struggled to lift the weights, but he was getting stronger. He was advancing. Before he had even started training, before he had joined the organization, he had struggled to lift light things even when extremely angry, which was strange, because his first time ever lifting something had been his own mother, who was heavier than most light objects he had struggled to lift.
It was a mystery that had puzzled him, but didn’t bother him, because as long as he had his powers, he was fine not knowing how they had appeared. Apparently, the part of his brain he was using was not available to other people, because they only used a tiny percentage of their brains.
All the people in the organization were exactly like this, with powers that had appeared because when they were born, their mind was using more than the average percent that normal people used. Because all of the powers were directly link to the brain, the powers worked better when the user was in an emotional situation where they were extremely angry, or something like that.
This was true because the powers had dominance over most other things in the brain, so when the person’s mind was in an unstable state, the powers could take control and shine through. This could be dangerous, if someone went crazy, and the power took over completely, making the user over use his or her power, either causing them to keel over and die of exhaustion, or to kill others in a power frenzy.
The pile of bricks rose slowly, faltering a little, but hit the ceiling of the room, before getting lowered down gently by Will, whose mind was getting pretty tired already. He groaned, and started working on some easier things. He focused on the arrowheads and spikes on the ground, and suddenly they shot forward like bullets, soaring through the air and burying themselves deep into the wall, one after another. The wall’s special material simply molded back into shape as the spearheads fell out of the hardened material.
Will turned to one of the dummies by the wall, in the shape of humans. He spotted a nearby rock placed at random in the room, and forced the tiny cracks within the rock to push outward, causing the rock to split and launching a tiny shard into the air, which then shot across the room towards the dummy, piercing the dummy’s head.
“Holy shit!” Sebastian exclaimed. “I would not like to be that guy.” He grinned
“Well, you’re not doing so bad yourself.” Will pointed at a dummy, whose stomach was split down the middle, fake blood pouring down from the inside.
Sebastian had the ability to create a gas anywhere, and control it with his mind. So, as an example, he could create the gas inside someone’s stomach, and make it expand, causing the stomach to explode. He could also make a cloud of the gas right over the rotors of a helicopter, and make the gas solidify, causing the rotors to stop, and the helicopter to plummet to the ground with a solidified cloud of gas hurtling to the earth right after it.
“I think I’m going to hurl.” Will grimaced, imagining the effect of the gas on a human’s real stomach. Sebastian grinned.
“It’s pretty cool though, right?” Sebastian inquired.
“Yeah.” Will admitted.
Will and Sebastian, both bored of training, headed back into their rooms. Will slammed down onto his bed, relishing the feeling of the soft mattress against his back. He laid there for a few minutes, until finally reaching down onto the floor, and picking up his only reading material, the pamphlet for his organization.

The Agency for the Recruitment and Training of the Extraordinarily Gifted (ARTEG)

This organization specializes in recruiting children with special gifts. Most people would call them superpowers. The purpose of this organization is to train these children to fight, so they will be qualified to go on undercover missions as desired by the government, without being drafted into the general military. All missions that the children are participating in are examined by an anonymous organization and are categorized into different levels of danger. If the danger is too high, the children will not be allowed to accept the mission.
In the organization, the children are kept safe in several compounds and safe houses around the world, which are protected by different military, and power based means. The children will encounter things that are not found anywhere else, like Speech Rocks, which take the form of animals when spoken to as a means of delivering a message. The advantage of a Speech Rock is that if someone who is not authorized to see the message intercepts it, the Speech Rock will turn into a clay form, and become unresponsive. When the message is received by the proper person, it will relay the message, and become clay while the recipient is talking, a signal that it is recording the message. The organization has three different sections. These sections are called Vertali, and are determined by which type of power the user has. There are powers that are based off the mind, like telekinesis, or anything that is controlled by the mind. There is also the group for anyone with a power based off the earth, like controlling air, water, fire, the earth, plants, or animals. There is also a group for people whose powers include anything that could be used to deceive a target. These include shape shifting, morphing into animals, being able to induce and control a hallucination or dream that a person has, or being able to make a person forget something. The names of all three of the Vertali are Deception, Natural, and Mind.
As the children develop their skills we wi…
The pamphlet fell from Will’s limp hand, as he let sleep over come him.


















Chapter 3: Mission

“Will!” Sebastian’s voice woke Will yet again, startling Will.
“Why do I always have to do this? I’m not your mom!” Sebastian grumbled.
“Whatever, dude,” Will was feeling grumpy, his hair a mess, his eyes still adjusting.
“Just get up!” Sebastian frowned. Will quickly changed into a pair of jeans and a nice t-shirt. He stepped out into the hallway, with Sebastian right behind him.
“So, where’s the fire?” Will asked.
“Well, the Chief has a mission for us. But this one is an actual mission, not a confiscation mission like our last one.” Sebastian grinned in anticipation.
“What? Well, c’mon lets move!” Will exclaimed, his excitement giving him a burst of speed. He sped down the hallway, entering the Chief’s room without knocking.
“Will Bastfay and Sebastian Somethingidon’tknow, reporting for a mission briefing.” Will blurted, gasping for breath. Sebastian entered sheepishly behind.
“Well, I’m glad to see some youngsters enthusiastic for a mission! Let me show you what you’re up against.” The Chief beamed. “Mission Briefing: For eyes of only personnel approved by The Chief, including William Bastfay and Sebastian Steinham. You will be travelling by airplane to California, to enter San Francisco. You will be staying in an apartment building, and going to school at a school with the same exact schedule as Maria Basal, a girl aged 14 years, the same age as William and Sebastian. She is believed to be directly involved with the Dravuls, maybe even one of them. You are to infiltrate the Dravuls using Maria as a way in, and disguising yourself as one of their servants. If Maria turns out to be involved, try to cut off her involvement. Once you are inside the organization, try to find out the identity of their leader, and using any information you have available, organize an attack on the leader while he is venerable. You will be in close contact with your mission supervisor, The Chief.”
“What? You’re our mission supervisor?” Will gaped at The Chief, his jaw dropping. The Chief nodded.
“So what do you say, kids? This mission will be dangerous, and you might not know who is a Dravul or not, but just try to gain information.” The Chief looked hopeful.
“Yes!” Will and Sebastian answered simultaneously.
“Ok. Also, now that you have accepted, there is one more thing about the mission I have to tell you. I wasn’t allowed to tell you until you’d said yes, so here it is. The hideout of the Dravuls in Oregon most likely is where the Dravuls hid the Rock.” The Chief grinned.
Sebastian looked stunned. “You mean… That could be the Headquarters? You mean I could finally get avenge her?”
“Yes, Sebastian, it does mean that you could avenge her.” The Chief looked remorseful for bringing her up. “Here are your stories, and your copies of all the background information we have on the people you might meet. Memorize your story.”

The boys headed out the door, stunned. Sebastian stopped, leaning against the wall. “Ever since that day, I used to wonder why the world didn’t take me, and took her. I mean, I’ve lied and done lots of bad things, but my sister, she was always nice to everyone. She loved nature; she respected everyone, and worked well. And then, they took her. I remember that day so well. She was walking right in front of me, and one of them walked right in front of us. I knew what it was, because I was already in this organization, and I tried to stop it. But it just looked like a normal man, in a human shape, and my sister was trying to be polite. Then, it’s eyes started glowing red, like they always do when one of them… kills someone. I could see her gasping for breath, and she fell to the ground. I mean, I was frozen with shock. And the last thing she ever said to me was, “Make him stop.” And then she was dead, and the Dravul was gone. I should have done something. I just stood there. I stood there while one of them killed my sister. I didn’t do anything, just because I was shocked. And ever since that day, I’ve wanted to avenge her. Maybe that’s why I’m still alive. Because the world thought that I could destroy the Dravuls. I’m going to avenge you, I swear I will.” Sebastian was gazing at Will, but Will could tell that Sebastian wasn’t seeing him, he was seeing his sister. Sebastian’s gaze hardened, and he turned to leave.
“Wait! Sebastian, if it helps any, you couldn’t have done anything.” Will tried to use a reassuring tone.
“Yes, I could have.” Sebastian got that far-away look, and left.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1427
Reviews: 15
Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:50 pm
Omnihat says...



Firstly, nice work. I wasn't planning on reviewing something so long, but after reading just a few lines, I found I didn't care. I wanted to know what was going on. Drew me in well.
I didn't really find any issues with it, mostly nitpicks so...

feeling the hairs on his head shift as the hammer swung over his head and smashed into the wall


You could probably just say 'him', as we already know it's above his head because of the hair reference, and it just feels like you're repeating yourself a bit.

The big man in front of Will was heavily muscled, with stubble on his chin, a nasty grin, and the center of Will%u2019s attention, being the mans huge fists.


1. No Comma
2. This is a very long sentence. Perhaps split it into two By taking out this and and comma, and replacing with a full stop. Though that isn't necessary.

The man smiled an ear the ear grin

Ear to ear

one hard hit in the right spot, and the man was doubled over,

No comma
Also, maybe get rid of the 'was'.

Will slammed the man%u2019s head against his knee, making a satisfying crunch. The man slowly toppled like a big ship capsizing, and slammed against the floor, unconscious.

Find another word for 'slammed' for one of them. For example 'pounded' or 'smashed'.
No Comma

Will, infected by the joy that seemed to fill the cavern, and lighten the air, failed to notice

No Comma

both holding knives that glowed like a star

Something like either: 'Each holding a knife that glowed like a star' or 'Both holding knives that glowed like stars'
You've used plural for 'knives' and then single for 'star' which isn't right.

t was Josh, one of Will%u2019s best friends, who had accompanied Will and James

No comma

It%u2019s ok to laugh.%u201D Exclaimed Will.

When you want to have an adjective to describe their talking, the speech shouldn't end in a full stop and the adjective start with a lower case letter: 'It's ok to laugh," exclaimed Will.' Or, 'It's ok to laugh!" exclaimed Will.' Also, since he's 'exclaiming', it gives it a better feel to have an exclamation mark.
Same here:
Josh, you call our ride.%u201D Will barked


while Josh pulled out a flat stone, with a few marks on it, and placed his hand on it

No comma. Also the second comma is necessary but can be there. Also maybe replace one of the 'on it' 's with something else because you're repeating.

with eyes that looked to real.

'Too'

platform, with cone shaped tip, and two rotors

No comma

The rotors on the sides of the ship began to turn, and the crafts shot two feet in the air, hovering above the ground, as two rotors facing backwards ignited, launching the boys forward, just as the giant launched himself through the entrance to the cave system, spotting the boys, and in his rage, throwing his hammer like a throwing knife.


This is a very long sentence. Try splitting it.

%u201COh, yeah! That%u2019s how I roll!%u201D Exclaimed

'exclaimed'

The mission is complete.%u201D Will said

Comma

those scratches?” One of the men demanded.

'one'

“Wadyawantgetoutofmyroomandstopbotheringme!” Mumbled Will

'mumbled'

Chapter 2


“Oh, look, Mr. Bastfay decided to join us. Let’s all bow down before the sleepy king! Did we wake mithtow thweepy weepy up? Ooh, I’m thowwy.” Mr. Tuff was smiling in a demon like manner that scared Will.
“Sorry, sir.” Will managed to stutter. [...]
Sebastian’s face got Went red, while all the other boys and girls smirked, enjoying watching Sebastian squirm under Mr. Tuff’s fierce gaze. “40 pushups.” Everyone grinned. “For everyone!” Faces fell all around the room, people looking crestfallen. Sebastian and Will, it seemed, were the hated pair that day.
“I. Hate. Him.” Will grunted as he did his 40th push up. Sebastian nodded grimly, his final push up finally done.
[...]
That should be illegal or something! I almost died in the room today.” Sebastian whined, groaning.
[...]
For example, a pile of leaves could be used to train yourself to fight while someone was trying to distract you with things that they could throw at you. This last sentence doesn't make sense. Or someone who could control metal could, if needed, use a blade of grass as a weapon by transforming it into metal, and throwing it like a knife.
[...]
Will and Sebastian ran to opposite sides of the room, and started training. Will rain straight to the weights. Lifting objects with his telekinesis was hard if the objects were heavy, so will took a stack of 4 50 pound weights, the total of 200 pounds making hiss mind strain.
[...]
It was a mystery that had puzzled him, but didn’t bother him, because as long as he had his powers, he was fine not knowing how they had appeared. Apparently, the part of his brain he was using was not available to other people, because they only used a tiny percentage of their brains.
[...]
The pile of bricks rose slowly, faltering a little, but hit the ceiling of the room, before getting lowered down gently by Will, whose mind was getting pretty tired already. He groaned, and started working on some easier things. He focused on the arrowheads and spikes on the ground, and suddenly they shot forward like bullets, soaring through the air and burying themselves deep into the wall, one after another. The wall’s special material simply molded back into shape as the spearheads fell out of the hardened material.


And so on... You just need to be careful with punctuation, and you have a lot of very long sentences, a couple of which I pointed out.

In all, it is very good, and for the most part I enjoyed reading it. However, I did find that at times I was a little bored, mainly during the second chapter as it feels like too much explanation all lumped in together with just a little cliche action slotted in.
Also, you should remember that there is nothing wrong with simply using 'said' when your character speaks. In fact, it's good to. When you use too many adjectives every time a character speaks, the dialogue ends up being very cheesy and loosing impact.
But yes, nice work. Usually I'm not really interested in this sort of stuff, but you managed to draw me in and keep me reading. Well done.
Last edited by Omnihat on Sat Oct 01, 2011 3:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:47 pm
max8537 says...



Thank you! I have a history of messing up my commas. :) This review was really helpful.
  








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