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Living in a Box



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Points: 610
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Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:05 am
GrenadeCatcher says...



Trying to figure out if I want to continue or not, might have to move it to novels:)

“Emily,” a soft voice called. It was melodic, like a sweet lullaby. “Emily,” it repeated, this time with the slightest hint of urgency. My eyes fluttered open.

Oh, what a nice dream, I thought. A lady in a white robe was sitting on the edge of my bed. Her skin was smooth and pure white, close to the color of her stainless robe. Long blonde hair fell in perfect almost windswept curls down her back and rested lazily on my thin blanket.

Wings with black-as-night feathers sprouted out of her shoulder blades.
“Are you... an angel?” I blinked the sleep out of my eyes.

“Yes,” she laughed lightly. Her blue eyes twinkled and the room sounded like a symphony composed of bells. “I've come to rescue you.”

“From what?” I asked incredulously. “I'm fine here!” Here for me was the Pyxis, which in Latin translated into the Box.

“No, Emily. You aren't safe. Nadja isn't who you think she is. You are in grave danger.”

“Why? Nadja is great! We haven't had a better leader since...”

“Never? Have you ever noticed you've never had another leader? There's never been one. She's a liar.” Her the angel had turned deadly serious. Something about her made me want to believe her every word. I would have done anything I was told by this woman.

“What will happen to us?” The angels eyes' glazed over. My mind exploded with pictures of meteors falling from the sky. A great tidal wave crashed over the hundred feet walls that surrounded Pyxis. I saw people running in every direction, except for those who lay motionless on the ground. And there was me. Standing on the very edge of devastation. Somewhere in my mind I knew how to save us. The answer was right there, I just had to unlock it.

My eyes flew open again. I was awake now, the strange dream was over. A cool breeze made my curtain fly out of my window like a flag.

My window was closed last night. I sat up with a bolt and stuck my head out the window. There was the angel, flying away on those mighty black wings of hers.

“Remember. You can save us all.” Her voice was loud and clear in my head, as if she were in the room. But the angel just kept flying. She didn't even look back.

“Emily!” The familiar voice seemed so loud and shrill compared to the angels.

“Yes, mother?”

“Breakfast is ready!” Sighing, I pushed off my blanket and walked groggily down the stairs.
“Hello, Peter,” I nodded to our neighbor, he was sixteen, a year older than me, and was always at our house while his father was at work. Which happened to be all the time.

“Hey Emily.” I sat across from him and my mom set a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon in front of me. Peter reached over and clumsily snatched a piece of bacon from my plate and was rewarded by a slap in the arm. Before he could take any more I gobbled down my food like a pig.

“What's our plan for today?” Peter asked me.

“Let's go to the candy shop. I have a penny from watering Mrs. Hensley’s yard.” Peter nodded knowingly. That was code for let's go to the tree house, I have something we need to talk about.

“That was so nice of you, Emily! You're always looking out for our neighbors!” My mother said, completely unaware of our tree-house.

“She only does it for the money, Mrs. B!” He chuckled at his joke as I trotted back up the stairs to get ready. Of course, that consisted of yanking a brush through my fire-truck red hair and throwing on jeans and a tee-shirt that I probably wore yesterday.

“Let's go!” I called, already out the door and impatiently holding it open with my index finger. Peter came trotting down the hall, and reached for the handle before realizing I was holding it open.

“Oh,” he gasped quietly. It was weird, sometimes I totally forgot that he was blind.
Last edited by GrenadeCatcher on Mon Sep 26, 2011 10:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Love is all you need (Babadada)
Hide yo wife! Hide yo children! Hide yo HUSBAND! They rapin EVERYBODY out there!
  





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Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:31 am
Nightlyowl says...



Hi! Well all in all I loved this, it left me wondering what the hell was gonna happen next. A few quick things though. 1st. is a simple error here...
Here the angel had turned deadly serious

And the other thing was here:
I have a penny from watering Mrs. Hensley’s yard
This makes me think that this takes place in a later time period. But then you go and say
Of course, that consisted of yanking a brush through my fire-truck red hair and throwing on jeans and a tee-shirt that I probably wore yesterday.
Which makes me think of a more modern day thing. Unless of course in Pyxis has cheaper things and more modern clothes, then its cool.
~Nightlyowl
  





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Tue Sep 27, 2011 3:36 am
Island6 says...



Good start! Just a couple of things though...
-Try to make it longer next time. This was really short. It's okay though, sometimes short can be good, its just that I wanted more out of this.
-More description is necessary. Things moved by really fast and I am a sucker for details.
-This may just be a out of preference, but that was an odd place to end it.

Keep up the great work :]
<3
  





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Tue Sep 27, 2011 9:12 am
tommyknocker says...



Hi there!

Okay, straight into my first impression. "Why end it here." I thought to myself after reading the last sentence. I assume I'm incorrect in saying, To me, It feels like the author just 'gave up' so to speak and left it hanging. I'm sure that;s not quite the case. :)

But all in all, I liked the description at the start, however it did fade away as the story progressed. "Firetruck red hair." In my opinion I don't like that simile. I imagine a big fire truck slamming into the girl. Yeah weird, I know.

So I reckon you add more to this and you'd be onto a winner!

~ T.K
"There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering." Cato
  








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