Young Writers Society

Something that I'm working on for English class, it can be any type of creative writing so I thought I'd maybe try a prologue/first chapter. Any help is very welcome/ any ideas. Thank you!



Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.

Ronald Reagan.


I cannot fathom how long I’ve been here.

Days?

Months?

Years?

Or just a few seconds?

Time is irrelevant. Reality means nothing. Pain is everything.
I drown in it, scramble frantically to the surface only to find there isn't one. It consumes me, and I can't fight it. The power of it crushes me, quenches my heart, tears at my muscles, blazes through my head like the inferno that led me to this undeniable torment. It claws at my soul, my very being. The drugs they have pumped into my system keep me sedated and every time I try to escape their clutches I am pulled back down further, as if an invisible force is grabbing at my ankles, driving me to madness like an off-course roller-coaster.
My brother comes to me sometimes, mostly when I'm not expecting it. He does not speak, but gestures, reaches out a hand “come with me.” His eyes, so like my own are full of longing and sadness, his lips, the exact same shape as mine, smile at me, willing me to place my hand in his. To take me away, to pull me out of this reality, to rid me of the needles and the nurses and the doctors. How I wish I could. But my hands are like dead weights beside me, refusing to lift even a centimetre. I cannot go with him. That would be defeat. And my purpose is to fight.
Those who caused this - the so-called "Higher State" or "Government" - they are the ones who should be feeling this agony. Not us, we are the innocent. We are the good fighting the evil.
I am broken, trapped here, in a hospital bed. Dead inside. Father comes during visiting hours and I hear him tell me that the resistance is slowly being put down. I must join them. They need my help. But Jones says I am not allowed to move. She tells me how lucky I am. The bomb didn't kill me. They are able to sew me back together, remove the burns, bandage the cuts, mend the broken bones. Lucky? I am not lucky.
Eventually I accept who I am. A lost girl with no freedom. With no wings. And no brother. Not just a brother. Twin brother. I am half a person. My other half taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I am a war survivor, hidden from the world, from the fight. The others think of me as dead. And yet they continue the battle, never giving up. Freedom will be theirs, even if death is the price put on their heads.
But what they do not know is this. The Higher State may have taken away my liberty, my faith and my family, they have not taken away my fight. I will mend my broken heart, I will grieve and then I will look forward. I will step down from this hospital bed and I will prepare. Memories of my brother set alight, burning like a human torch will keep my sights clear. Revenge will be sweet.

The enemy may think of me as dead. Death will come for them.

I know you said this was for an English class, but I feel like this is a pretty good prologue for something. Just a few criticisms:

Every time I try to escape I am pulled back down further, like an invisible force grabbing at my ankles, tugging me further and further, driving me to madness like an off-course roller-coaster.

Having "further" so closely followed by "further and further" sound repetitive. (Well...it kind of just IS repetitive.)

They are winning. We are loosing.

First of all, you meant "losing," second of all...duh. I mean, if they are winning, of COURSE "we" are losing. That's the way it goes, you know?

Those who did this to me, to you, to us. To all who fought for liberty. Those are the ones who should be feeling this agony.

I was confused at first. The way this is, it makes it sound like the ones who fought for liberty "are the ones who should be feeling this agony," but I think what you meant was, "those who did this...to all who fought for liberty...are the ones who should be feeling this agony." If that's what you meant, add another comma after "us" and make "to all who fought for liberty part of that first sentence. It'll clear this up. And you may not have to say "They are winning, we are losing" after this as well. Since "those who did this" clearly did something awful to everyone, even to "all who fought for liberty," so I think we can infer that "they" are winning.

Although they may have taken away my liberty, my faith and my family. They have not taken away my fight.

This should be one sentence - the first sentence is a sentence fragment that reads awkwardly (also, you do not need "although" AND "may have" - pick just one - "although they have" or "they may have"), but if you put a comma at the end this will all be one sentence that reads less confusingly.

I think that's it. You definitely get a good mood across. Desperation, loss, anger, an unending fight. The only other thing I have to say is that you take a long time to tell us the narrator is in the hospital and that she (? I just kind of assumed it was a she but maybe it's not) had and lost a twin brother, so the part before, talking about how "he comes to me sometimes" - now I can look back and say it's the dead brother coming to her, and that's why she can't follow, because she needs to live, but at first I thought it was the dad. Now, if you're okay with that, great. I mean, you don't have to give away the whole thing and tell us ahead of time that he's dead. But if you just changed that first "he" to "my brother," then when we find out that he's dead we will be less confused and better understand why the narrator couldn't follow. Just a suggestion.

Hope this helped!

~Blue

Every time I try to escape I am pulled back down further, like an invisible force grabbing at my ankles, tugging me further and further, driving me to madness like an off-course roller-coaster.

That part doesn't make sense. Perhaps it would be better phrased: as if an invisible force was grabbing at my ankles

His eyes, so like my own are full of longing and sadness, his lips, the exact same shape as mine smile at me, willing me to place my hand in his.

Comma in-between the two words.

We are loosing.

*losing

I like your writing style. It was thought provoking, and I had to read it twice to fully understand what your story was about. But even now, I don't know what war you are referring to or who's side the girl is on. Who are the revolts? If this is for school, I'm sure people will know what you're referring to. However, because we're not all in your class, it would be helpful to perhaps include a brief summary of the prompt at the end in a spoiler or something of the like. I'm not sure what you want us to look for either. Anyways, good luck!

You need to spice things up or people will lose interest. The story itself is interesting, but some lines are a little cliche and "unclear" and a little "plain". However, I was enriched in the subject: Freedom. With Freedom, you need passion. You get the girl's motive, but you don't quite "feel" the passion. But, their are some lines I loved that showed a true talent for writing. Such as:

Eventually I accept who I am. A lost girl with no freedom. With no wings. And no brother.

I loved that line! Other then that, I really enjoyed it. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider

My brother comes to me sometimes, mostly when I'm not expecting it. He does not speak, but gestures, reaches out a hand “come with me.”

He's not speaking, but there are quotation marks? I believe it would be better if it were something like "He does not speak, but simply reaches out a hand, gesturing me to follow him"

Eventually I accept who I am. A lost girl with no freedom. With no wings.

The girl had no wings. I believe that you're saying this in a metaphorical sense, but I'd wish you could make it clearer...maybe something like, "Like a bird with no wings". That reinforces the fact that she has no freedom, and makes it clear that "no wings" isn't used literally.

I think that's it...I wish you could describe more about the hospital though, I can't really imagine the scene. I doubt if it's really important, seeing as the story is mainly concentrating on the girl's thoughts, but even the smell of disinfectant from the hospital can make the scene more...realistic I guess?

Overall it was really nice, I liked how you showed that freedom has it's own price. Keep going