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Young Writers Society


The Dark In A Man



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67 Reviews



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Points: 2724
Reviews: 67
Sun Sep 18, 2011 10:10 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



Joel did up his zipper as he made his way from the urinal to the bland, white sink. He splashed water over his face and washed his hands, then studied himself in the mirror. He was excited, that was for sure, and he could see it on his own face. But then again, after all these assignments of gang members and drug dealers, he was waiting for a slightly more dangerous opponent, say: an internationally wanted terrorist? Joel was a renowned bounty-hunter, but not your average bounty-hunter by any means. Dishonourably discharged from the SAS at the age of 28, Joel Russala was a deadly soldier, most at home in physical combat; his technique derived from Brazilian Ju-Jitsu. He couldn’t really remember how he got into the mercenary business, but he was good, earning tens of thousands of pounds for each target captured (or more entertainingly, killed). He flattened down his smooth, blonde hair, and then winked an emerald green eye at himself.

Joel strutted out from the toilets and made his way over to the bar in the left corner of the club. His current location was at the Pride nightclub in London, a very popular location, making his job even harder if the objective became a shoot-out. Joel took a stool, and gave a quick wave at the waitress. The woman’s red hair flicked across her face as she leaned against the counter, “And what can I get you, honey?” she asked, in a very flirtatious manner. “A Sazerac, thank you darling” Joel winked back. The red-head smiled and went off to prepare the drink. Joel chuckled to himself, “Always the reds!” he muttered. The glass doors at the entrance swung open, and a man clad in a smart black suit, followed by two other, heftier men, who were probably bodyguards. Joel took a deep breath, ‘Professor’ Ronald Diweȅd, mastermind behind the ‘Flashfire’ terrorist group. The professor walked over to the bar, taking the vacant seat next to Joel, and his henchmen headed over to a small table. They were acting nonchalant, but it was obvious they were keeping an eye on him.

The red-head cleared her throat to grab Joel’s attention, and then pushed his drink towards him. He picked it up and took a sip, then noticed a piece of paper were the glass sat. The paper had a number had a number written on it, no doubt the tasty looking red’s phone number. He shook his head and prepared to get into the game, his favourite game, the one where he plays mind games with his prey. “I noticed the two beefy men escorting you into the room just now,” Joel said, slyly, “you must be very important”. Ronald turned his head to look at him, then glanced at the two guys on the table. “Who, them?” Ronald laughed. “They couldn’t tell a dragon fruit from a komodo dragon, but they make good bodyguards. Jonathan Price”, he raised a hand to shake. A fake name, typical. Two can play that game.. Joel took his hand and shook it firmly “Dean Wright”. “Nice grip” the professor said, impressed. “Thank you, of course a highly statured individual such as you would know how to judge a man quickly. After all, he may not be around for long”. The colour vanished from Ronald’s face, so much so Joel wanted to burst out with laughter. “Indeed”, Ronald replied, “excuse me for a moment...” He walked over to the table where the men were sat. “Shit!” Joel muttered, as he reached for the fire alarm button and pressed it. Bells rang out, and people screamed as they dashed for the exit. He then dived for the mixing machine, and put on one of his favourite songs: ‘It’s All Over’ by Three Days Grace. Might as well do it style Joel shrugged.

The screaming stopped and was replaced with the sounds of guns being cocked. He pulled out a 45 calibre FN FNP 45 from his blazer pocket, loaded it, and then cocked it. He waved a hand over the top of the machine only to have 5 rounds barely miss it. Joel studied the holes in the wall. 45 calibre pistol, same as him and by the sound of the fire, the guns were semi-automatic. An idea appeared in his head. Joel wiped his hands across the lighting controls, and the room flashed black and white continuously. He stood up and took two shots, both hitting one of the henchmen in the heart and throat. Joel hit the deck and smirked as the man choked and coughed as the life drained from him. The other two continued to fire, but then Joel realised that only one gun was firing, no doubt Diweȅd was cowering away. He stood up and nailed two more rounds into the other man’s head.

They had no idea what they were in for. Ronald came from the corner with a knife, a sharp kitchen knife probably from the bar. He lunged at Joel and breathed furiously. The bounty-hunter batted his arm down without effort, and then shoved him away, followed by a quick taunt. The terrorist swiped furiously, and then threw the knife at Joel. It landed, quite conveniently, handle first in Joel’s hand. He laughed loudly, then dropped the knife and stretched his knuckles. Ronald swung a hook, but was intercepted by Joel jamming his arms between his shoulder and bicep. As the aggressor fell back stunned, Joel twisted his arm and pulled him into a chicken wing, which then bridged to a sleeper hold. Ronald twisted his head violently to escape. A loud, brutal snapping sound came from the man’s neck, and Joel loosened his grip. He frowned, and then sighed. How was he going to explain this to MI6? Ronald killed himself by trying to escape a sleeper hold. There was no way they’d believe that. The music stopped and Joel heard sirens. It was over.
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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Mon Sep 19, 2011 4:18 am
ShadowKnight155 says...



Well, I'm not one for nitpicks, so I can't help you there, well I can, I'm just too lazy to! Sorry, but I'll give you my thoughts on the rest. First off, welcome to YWS! I'm probably coming off harsh here, but I hope you don't take it to heart, after all I'm critiquing your writing. :)

A huge mistake that many people make with dialogue is not starting a paragraph when a different character speaks up. Say, with the Professor, when he speaks to Joel, you have it all in the same paragraph. So the "Professor" starts talking. That's a new paragraph from the text above it. When Joel begins to talk, that again is a new paragraph.

Onto the descriptions! In school, at least where I am, in writing we're always taught to be descriptive. However, there comes a point when your too descriptive. And, as soon as I started reading this, I thought that's what it was going to be(the sink). But then, I noticed half the piece lacked any description! This really can "aggravate" the reader. You need to find an average level of description for (almost)everything. It shouldn't be where just one object is described in detail, then another in brief. Obviously some things need advanced descriptions, but in your case, like right at the beginning, with the sink you say it's "bland and white." Generally bathroom sinks are bland, and since it's such a basic, meaningless object, it shouldn't have more description than the rest of the room(assuming it's not some secret button for a nuclear silo! :P).

As for the naming of the guns, I felt that was a little overboard. I've gotten "backlash" in my stories with guns, like when I go into extra detail with the naming. Stick to just ".45," basically. :P People get intimidated, I think. And, if you know guns like the P90, the majority of people have never heard of that, versus if you use an AK47 or .22.

Now, to wrap up my fragmented paragraphs(I know, everything I just wrote here was pretty all over the place!), the characters. You are really cliche with them, and it seems you didn't work on them, and liked to play with a fun little plot. I'm assuming your a knew writer, starting to just get into things. But, a good thing to learn is that if your plots dry, your characters need to be astounding(but the plot can't be too dry!), and vice versa.

I hope this all made sense, and at least you'll get something from it. If not, oh well, and feel free to leave a response on my wall. :)

*Not an abrupt ending at all :)*

PS: Sorry about that!
By nature, all language is flawed.

"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding," - Albert Einstein
  





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Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:40 pm
Crow29 says...



Yo. :D
To begin, I thought this was a pretty good piece. It was a bit difficult to follow in places (namely, not starting a new paragraph for each new speaker) but overall the effect was a good one. Nice touch with the redheads ;)
Try not slathering your work with so much technical detail. I don't really get what a '45 calibre FN FNP 45' is, so it takes some reading on before it makes real sense. (Also, I wouldn't have thought you needed the 45 on the end if you've already stated the calibre. Just saying)
Other than that, not many complaints. Good piece really.
At the end of the day, when the sun is gone and the light is lost, the shadows will play.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV9IJVoFR_Q
  





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Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:46 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



P.s i used the TAB button to put spaces between the speakers, but it didn't seem to detect them when i posted it :L.
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:55 pm
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TyrantOfWar says...



Ok... one thing first.
1. Im going to have to agree with the guy above me about the description. Their just wasn't enough.

Other than that I did enjoy reading this and I do hope you can finish this story unlike the other ones which you have given up on. I did find it funny that Ronald broke his own neck.

Keep up the good work:)
I want to see you choke on your lies,
Swallow up your greed,
Suffer all alone in your misery.


My Life Story:
Lies Greed Misery
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Dq9q6afIP8
  





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Tue Sep 27, 2011 1:47 am
Teresabanosg says...



Hey.
So I usually don't love action stories, but this one really caught my attention.
I like it. It's pretty captivating. I felt like somehow, I needed to know more.
I don't really know anything about guns or action whatsoever. Let's say and at the same time I'm not your typical teenage girl, So, I enjoyed your story. I hope you continue it. :)
Keep on writing!
Teresa
Am I crazy enough?
  








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