Young Writers Society

The snake came slithering out of its cage. Not one of the students in Mr. Schmidt’s class even noticed. Soon after the snake slithered off the counter, the lunch bell rang. All of the students ran to get their lunches and then lined up at the door. Anne was the first one back to her seat. Suddenly, she screamed.

Her scream was so loud and piercing that the nearby students outside, rushed to see what was going on. Jake had heard the scream as well and was making his way through the crowd of students. Mina, wearing and anxious look on her face followed her brother silently.

“Snake! Snake!” Anne was shouting, her pulse racing as she jumped onto her chair. Jake’s eyes caught sight of something long and striped, heading towards Anne’s chair. Mina gasped behind him and clung to his arm cowardly. The rest of the kids’ voices were barely audible.

Jake didn’t waste time and darted towards the empty cage. Mina followed him like a lost puppy; her eyes widened, full of fear. “Anne! Catch!” Jake threw an umbrella at Anne. She turned around and caught it expertly. The snake hissed while closing in on its pray. Its gaze locked on Anne’s feet. Saliva dripped from its mouth

Anne was now using the closed umbrella to hit the snake but missed every time. The snake was fast. Jake was trying to close in on it with a cloth in his hand. Mina inched towards the snake, holding the empty cage in her trembling fingers.

“Anne, keep it distracted!” Jake ordered in a firm voice.

Everything else happened so fast. The second the snake leaped at Anne, Jake grabbed it with the cloth. It wiggled underneath as he brought it closer to the cage. Frightened, Mina dropped the cage on Jake’s foot. He yelped releasing the snake which lunged straight for Mina’s ankle.

Suddenly, someone pierced a knife into the snake’s smooth skin. It struggled but slowly, froze to death. A pool of blood was created beneath it.

Anne panted with one hand clapped on her forehead. Jake, who wore a pained expression, was sitting on the chair rubbing his foot. Mina stood petrified, staring at the dead creature which lay before her. Her whole body was shaking as she looked up to see–

“Mr. Schmidt!” She yelled with relief, finally finding her voice.

Oh and please try not to be too harsh... just kidding.

Hello Twinkle4ever,

I understand you want us to give you marks out of 30, but would it really be helpful? Knowing a percentage of how you score does not improve your writing. Plus, it's hard to know exactly what to mark off and what not to, because no piece of writing is ever a 100%. Seriously, there's no such thing. Not even published pieces. All writing can be improved. That being said...

You have a handle at writing these action scenes, which is not an easy feat when it involves four characters (and a snake). I felt there could have been a bit more suspense, as this story pretty much relies on it.

As far as descriptions, I felt you did a decent job. I really don't think you needed to elaborate too much, but I would've loved more description about the cage... I'm not talking about sentences - but what kind of cage is it? When I think of snake cages, I always imagine glass, but that is clearly not the case. So is it then a metal cage? It would need to have very thin bars, if it were to hold a snake. So then, how did the snake get out? That's my main question. From what I've read, it would seem the snake slithered out through the bars, but then why have a snake inside a cage that doesn't function as one? Unless someone left the door open, that's different.

The snake came slithering out of its cage. Not one of the students in Mr. Schmidt's class even noticed. Soon after the snake slithered off the counter, the lunch bell rang.

Play with your word choices, or else it'll become too repetitive, too quick.

Her scream was so loud and piercing that the nearby students outside, no comma needed here [...] Mina, wearing and an anxious look on her face followed her brother silently.

Jake's eyes caught sight of something long and striped, no comma needed here heading towards Anne's chair [...]

Jake didn't waste time and darted towards the empty cage.

You do a great job building suspense in these scenes. I scratched out the 'not wasting any time' because I felt like it bogged down the scene. When you think about it, the words don't contribute anything to the story. "Jake darted" provides a much more suspenseful/actiony feel.

Anne was now using the closed umbrella to hit the snake, but missed every time.

I would've said, "Anne hit the snake with the closed umbrella." Always, always, always use active voice. Especially when writing action sequences. It's a matter of what would you rather read:

Anne hit the snake.
or
The snake was hit by Anne.

Suddenly, someone pierced a knife into the snake's smooth skin. It struggled, but slowly, froze to death. A pool of blood was created beneath it.

Someone pierced a knife? :O Or someone pierced the snake? Lol, it happens. Also, how does a snake freeze to death after being stabbed? Maybe you meant to say that the snake's body froze, as in its movements. But if you say "froze to death", it implies that the snake was somehow in Antarctica.

Overall, the writing was decent. It certainly held my attention, though I wondered how a teacher just suddenly comes up with a knife? Seriously, that's some scary stuff.

I'd love to see something you would write for fun of your own accord ^^ I understand that this was an assignment. Keep writing


~ As Always Audy

Hi!
I liked your story very much. I just think you should take second look at the punctuation. For example:

Twinkle4ever wrote: Jake’s eyes caught sight of something long and striped, heading towards Anne’s chair.

I don't think there's need to this comma...
Also:

Twinkle4ever wrote:Anne was now using the closed umbrella to hit the snake but missed every time. The snake was fast. Jake was trying to close in on it with a cloth in his hand. Mina inched towards the snake, holding the empty cage in her trembling fingers.

I think you should work a little more in this paragraph.

Well, like Audy said before, every writing can be improved.
Keep writing!
Congratulations

OhmyGosh Poor mr snakey

Sorry I have a soft spot for snakes. In fact no I loove snakes. I agree with the comments made above but couldn't think of anything to add to their points. Overall I think it was a good piece of writing, especially with the tiny word limit!

- apple96

also, just out of curiosity, how long did you get to write?

Whoa! O_O This is 300 words already?! Sorry for my ignorance; I've written lot of story without counting any word-I'm lazy to count them. As for that, I'll be focusing in the contents only.
 

The snake came slithering out of its cage. Uhm, what kind of cage exactly? I was thinking of a bird cage, a rusty steel surrounding at the snake. Because you mentioned here that the snake slithered out at his cage, and that's the only thing I could think of. In addition, I really don't know how did the snake got through his cage; perhaps they forgot to close the cage while their on class or their teacher is dumb enough to buy a cage that any snake can pass through. Not one of the students in Mr. Schmidt’s class even noticed. Soon after the snake slithered off the counter, the lunch school bell rang. All of the students ran to get their lunches lunch box. this is my opinion and then lined up at the door. Anne was the first one back to her seat. Suddenly, she screamed. 

Her scream was so loud and piercing that the nearby students outside, rushed to see what was going on. Jake had heard the scream as well and was making his way through the crowd of students. Mina, wearing and anxious look on her face followed her brother silently. Whose her brother anyway? Is it Jake? If it is, varying these two sentences sound like they were just classmates. You should try combining these two into one to make it clearer.

“Snake! Snake!” Anne was shouting, her pulse racing as she jumped onto her chair. Jake’s eyes caught sight of something long and striped, heading towards Anne’s chair. Mina gasped behind him and clung to his arm cowardly I don't think she was a coward. It's only a natural response to be frighten at the snake, especially at their age. Using the word "cowardly" makes me think she has a phobia, or unable to deal with something in her daily life; but snakes are not something that everyone can be dealt so easily. I suggest you try replacing the word "cowardly" into nervously, or quivering. I don't know much adverbs that has the same meaning as nervously, but you might search that in online thesaurus.. The rest of the kids’ voices were barely audible. I don't think you need this sentence. It's very clear that Anne was the first one came back at the classroom, screaming, asking for help; then Jake and Mina came along to save their classmate. There were alone in the classroom and we got the picture. So you don't need to tell us that the other kids were hardly audible.
Jake didn’t waste time and darted towards the empty cage. Mina followed him like a lost puppy; her eyes widened, full of fear. 
Space here
“Anne! Catch!” Jake threw an umbrella at Anne. She turned around and caught it expertly She got the umbrella expertly? Is she some kind of professional on catching stuffs, or she's really good in playing with baseball? It sounds unrealistic to me at her age. The snake hissed while closing in on its pray prey.Its gaze locked on Anne’s feet. Saliva dripped from its mouth 

Anne was now using the closed umbrella to hit the snake but missed every time. Try to avoid using passive voice because it weakens the tone of your story. Well, If you want me to understand our side: Whenever I read a sentence in a passive voice, I can't help pursuing myself that this is somewhat a story; it's more like a spoiler in the book. So try avoiding it. The snake was fast. Jake was trying to close in on it with a cloth in his hand. Mina inched towards the snake, holding the empty cage in her trembling fingers. 

“Anne, keep it distracted!” Jake ordered in a firm voice. 

Everything else happened so fast. The second the snake leaped at Anne [color=#FF0000]I don't understand what you're trying to say? Are you telling us in any minute that snake was going to jumped at Anne or there's another snake lurking around the classroom; or maybe, you're missing a punctuation here which cause a confusion towards the readers?, Jake grabbed it with the cloth. It wiggled underneath as he brought it closer to the cage. Frightened, Mina dropped the cage on near to Jake’s foot. He yelped releasing the snake which lunged straight for Mina’s ankle. 

Suddenly, someone pierced a knife into the snake’s smooth skin. It struggled but slowly, froze to death I'm easily distracted at this metaphor (or cliche). We usually use this thing when we want to show the character that he was stunned due to unexpected events. However, based from your descriptor, I get the feeling that the snake was still breathing. Is that what you want to tell the readers? If it is, I don't think the snake would be alive after it got pierced in its skin; it will sounds unrealistic. Maybe a little rephrasing of the sentence will do the trick.. A pool of blood was created spreading beneath it. 

Anne panted with one hand, clapped on her forehead. I can't get the real picture on how Anne was doing, especially when you used the word "clapped". I impulsively pictured out that she was panting, and hitting her forehead. XD Jake, who wore a pained expression, was sitting on the chair rubbing his foot. Mina stood petrified, staring at the dead creature which lay before her. Her whole body was shaking as she looked up to see– 

“Mr. Schmidt!” She yelled with relief, finally finding her voice again.

Okay, here goes my overall review:
I don't know if your teacher allowed to extent your story up to 500 words, for I presume you prioritize the counting more instead of descriptions. So, I blame your teacher for that. I like the simplicity of your story: easy to read, not much of metaphors, and able to distinguish the character's age-based from your contents. Apparently, the problem of your story is word of choice, which sending a different meaning to the readers. Try to practice your word-building until you've finally mastered it. A good source to understand word-building is reading J.K.Rowling's book. They say she's good in word-building and word of choice, which is why I want sooo badly to read it. And most of all, never give up on writing things.

Hello Twinkle4ever,

Wow! that was a really dramatic story and it slowly reached the climax building up tension as it got closer and closer. I liked the deep description and the amazing way that you made me want to grip my chair out of horror and fright. I could almost imagine the feeling of standing on a chair that close to a snake! You painted the picture so clearly in my mind that it felt like a real event and gosh, it was so creepy! Audy has covered all of the nit picks pretty well so I'll just give you my general impression and go over the points that I personally think are relevant.

I don't really know if I can give this a mark out of thirty because I'm no really sure what kind of writing is seen as something that can achieve 100% I think this was a pretty decent peice though and if I was rating it I would probably with your teacher maybe up to 27 but no less then 24 somewhere in that region. It was a pretty gripping and exciting story and I would happily read it over and over again.

The question that plays my mind is how did the snake get out in the first place? I think you could have written a more detailed description of how that happened becaus ethat was a pretty major event in this story and I don't think that

The snake came slithering out of its cage. Not one of the students in Mr. Schmidt's class even noticed. Soon after the snake slithered off the counter, the lunch bell rang.

I detailed enough. That's just my opinion, if the snake was allowed in the classroom surely it would have a very secure cage!

Suddenly, someone pierced a knife into the snake's smooth skin. It struggled, but slowly, froze to death. A pool of blood was created beneath it.

How does a snake freeze to death? I think you mean something like 'the snake froze up as it died.' Or 'the snakes movements froze to nothing' or something. Just sepnd some time rephrasing that little snippet.

Overall this was really good and my favorite lines would have to be

Everything else happened so fast. The second the snake leaped at Anne, Jake grabbed it with the cloth. It wiggled underneath as he brought it closer to the cage. Frightened, Mina dropped the cage on Jake’s foot. He yelped releasing the snake which lunged straight for Mina’s ankle.

because it had so much tension and it just shone out to me from the rest of the story.

Great job and keep on writing. If you have any questions about his review or you want another review on a different literacy work then by all means PM me and i will try and be a helpful as I can! Keep up the epic and enjoyable writing and I will see you around!

From DreamingForever

A rating out of 30 you want? No. I'm not that precise I will give you a rating out of two stars and you can be happy with that.

1/2 Stars. There.

Now for the critique. (and I hope you were serious about the 'just kidding' bit)

Okay a mantra you will soon become familiar with, if you haven't already, is show don't tell. It's been said so many times that it is almost worn, so I will explain a little better. When you say

The second the snake leaped at Anne, Jake grabbed it with the cloth

we hear,

A snake moved toward some person known as Anne, and Jake -- who must have cat like reflexes -- somehow got hold of it in a cloth.

When really we should see,

Jakes grip tightened on the cloth as the snake coiled. Anne watched, horrified and still, as though her chucks were nailed to the floor. It came at her like a bolt. Fangs drawn. Jake lunged, reaching out he snatched it with the cloth.

You see the difference. So when you hear show don't tell you know exactly what they mean. The story itself is simple and fun but you should get used to writing out scenes that paint a picture, rather than just telling us all about it. Then you might get two stars.

JP