Young Writers Society

Jenny's shrieks echoed in the empty room, along with the loud crack of the 9mm glock. My right side felt warm and moist as I held it. The interloper froze in shock, as I lifted off the floor being resurrected for one purpose. Protect Jenny. My feet felt wobbly as I stood, but the adrenaline kept me going, kept me fighting. I rushed him tackling him to the floor, smashing the the glass from the broken window. A flurry of punches found their way to his face, painting my hands with blood. The man hit me with the butt of his gun, making me roll off of him. Kicks to my chest followed through.

I saw the glint of one of the shattered pieces of glass calling out to me, offering me salvation. I grabbed it and stabbed his thigh giving me the opportunity to deal the final blow. And with a mighty scream, I slashed his neck. The intruder stood still as Death descended upon him, and collected his soul.

I fell to my knees, slowly feeling the life draining out of me and dripping onto the floor. Jenny hurried to my side, saying sweet words that I couldn't hear. Then with a thud, my cold body hit the tile. A shudder went through her heart as mine stopped. This is how my life ended, inside her womb is how my legacy will continue.

This is short but good. It's got a good impact to it. \

There were a few punctuation nitpicks, like this:

as I lifted off the floor, being resurrected for one purpose

I rushed him,tackling him to the floor

stabbed his thigh, giving me the opportunity

This is how my life ended; inside her womb is how my legacy will continue.

Other than those, I liked it overall.

Keep writing!

I like it, its a good, little, bloody short story. The only thing that I think could be enhanced is to be a little more colorful when doing fighting scenes, really convey the anger and motions of your characters. Its a good piece and I especially like the end "This is how my life ended, inside her womb is how my legacy will continue." It leaves the reader with anticipation and a chill through the spine. Definitely keep writing, up and interesting.

Hola! ^.^

My right side felt warm and moist as I held it.

Huh? He was holding his right side?

The interloper froze in shock, as I lifted off the floor being resurrected for one purpose.

I think it should be 'lifted myself'. And then if he lifted himself, it's not really resurrection then, is it?

A shudder went through her heart as mine stopped.

How does he know what she's feeling? Is his hand on her heart or something? It wasn't indicated.

This is how my life ended, inside her womb is how my legacy will continue.

I loved this last line.

That's all I noticed. It was nice, it started and ended with a bang. It was short, and you didn't have any unnecessary rambling or description. Your prose was tight, if that's the right way to describe it. You really left me wanting more though. Was the interloper just a common thief? Was it someone they already know? What did the narrator mean by his legacy? It was all very mysterious. Great job, keep writing!

good story but that poor woman how about writing with a happy ending?!?! i love the dramatisc of it but you need to work on story structure setting and try adding more details and explain things

I'm not going to mention the grammar, because that's already been mentioned.
The story has some good things going for it, such as it's high-action and right in the middle of a scene, but there's not really any 'character', and seems to have very little backstory. If you define the characters more in your head ahead of time, it will come out naturally in the story. I also kind of wish it was longer, but I write short things too, so I can't really talk. Keep up the good work!

That was really beautiful in a gruesome sort of way. I loved your way of making Death sound like a character. Or was that purposeful? Either way, I also liked the final glimpse of life that he gets and the final thoughts that run through his mind. "A shudder went through her heart as mine stopped." Wonderful line! The only thing I wished you would have done is give more description of the intruder.

Very good short story. I would have loved a bit more . . . hm, description, maybe, but it was good. I liked the sort of vivid violent element and the sort of shock of it. It's surprisingly. I suppose, in its own way, I shouldn't suggest more than grammar changes (but that's already been done above).

I mean, most stories? They make you fall in love with the character. This one makes you want to know more about Jenny, about the baby; the character's death means nearly nothing, other than you wonder what made him decide, with his dying actions, to become a murderer--if he wasn't already. Because he was hurt, and knew he'd die--so he wanted to take him out with him? Or for some other reason?

It's intriguing, certainly.

I so hope you write more in this 'verse. But, if not, I hope you have awesome luck with all those future projects.

This is why I love stories about Death. Not because I'm a psychotic freak (xD) but because there are so many different types of death to choose from. I love how this story is short and simple but quite interesting. I tried to imagine myself as Jenny first, imagining how I felt as I watched my lover fight for me. Then, I pictured as myself as the guy fighting. By the way- what was his name? Description?

It has has few grammatical errors and sentence structure problems like so:

I rushed him tackling him to the floor,

But other than that, great story! And maybe you could write a follow-up to describe Jenny's life afterwards. It seems you're right. His legacy will live on.