Young Writers Society

The phone rings, causing me to jump. I stand up and send my homework scattering every where across my room. I kneel down to pick up the bent pages, but decide to clean them up later. I grumble to myself as I walk over to my door. For some reason, the door handle sticks closed. I pull on it, hard. It jerks back and slams into my toe. I step back into my wall and hit my head on a hanging picture frame.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I mumble as I leave my room, rubbing my head. My cat, the stupidest cat in the world sits outside my room. I step forward and put my foot on his tail. He shrieks and runs out from under my foot. I lose my balance and fall against my air hockey table, hitting my hips. I stand up straight and glare at my cat.

The phone rings again.

I run forward, tripping over the air hockey table chord. Trying to keep my balance, I keep running, hitting my head against the drum set. Okay, now I’m determined. I get up and storm up stairs, stepping on many of my brother’s legos as I go. I reach the main level and turn the corner. I run perfectly into my sister’s empty dirty clothes hamper and trip forward. My hair get’s caught somehow inside it. I try to pull it off.

The phone rings again.

I ignore the hamper and run to the kitchen blind. I hit the front of my couch, throwing myself over the opposite side. I land on my butt, my arm hitting a nearby table. I rub my arm for a second before I realize that the hamper is now off my head. I look over and see that the hamper knocked over a glass of milk. I’ll clean it up later.

The phone rings again.

I jump up, hitting the same hurt arm on the table again. I run over to the library and throw open the doors. I swing one door so hard that it flies out, hits the wall, and comes right back to me. The handle hits my stomach and the top hits my nose. And what’s worse, there’s no phone here. I run back out and look to my mom’s desk. I push the rolling chair away and over my toes. The phone is off its hook. I turn around and see the phone on the table.

The phone rings again.

I run over to the table. My feet slip on the spilt milk and I slide on the wood floor. My feet drag me under the table. I fall, smacking my head hard against the edge. I rub my forehead while I’m still on the ground.

The phone rings again.

I sit up and hit my head, again, on the bottom of the table. I crawl out carefully, using the counter as support. I put my hand down and pull myself up. Only once I’m in standing position do I realize that I put my hand on the stove… and it’s on. I jump back as waves of pain are sent up my arms. I turn around and run for the sink, carefully covering my hand in cool water.

The phone rings again.

I leave the water on and run for the table, this time avoiding the milk spill. I reach the phone and answer it.

“Hello?” I ask out of breath.

The phone beeps. I’m too late.

I absolutely love this story. Great job. *Applause*

First off, the spelling and grammar portion of this gets an A+. There is nothing that I found wrong here.

Second, for the flow of the story. I like the repitition of the phone ringing, and makes it sort of bouncy to read. like one of those rubber balls. it can bounce all over a room, but eventually it hits the floor and returns to you, ready to be thrown again. (I apologize if the analogy wasn't very good.)

Third, the ending. I like how the ending of the story is abrupt, but it has as much effect as the whole story. Kind of like when you throw a yo-yo and it returns to your hand in the same movement. the ending gives the story an... inertia of sorts. (Again, I am sorry if the analogy wasnt very good.)

That is my critique! I give the story an overall A+. Great job, and good luck in future writing!

Hello! This is my first review on Review Day;

I liked this piece. At first I was a little confused about the point, and it seemed a little monotonous but now I realize that there doesn't need to be a serious outcome. It was creative and interesting and not something you see every day. It's actually quite funny. My one tip is that you should make it clear how the main character is just trying to answer the phone, so rather than the phone ringing in the background while the character falls all over her self, the reader can understand how annoyed she is that she can't seem to get to the phone. I think you want to make the reader curious as to who it is, make them anxious for her to just get to the phone already. Then the ending packs more of a punch.

I don't have any real comments on the grammar or style, just make it connect more with the reader rather than a this happened, then this happened, then this happened sort of thing.

Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!

haha, this is a very funny short story. I can't say I hate it, so I like it!!! I like how you describe how the main character keeps hurting him/herself over and over again. I already sort of knew that it would all be for nothing.

GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!

~Kat

I looove this story! It is so funny, yet it's a bit sad. I think it can also be symbolic....or maybe I'm reading too much into it, I don't know
One of the things that I really liked about it was how stream-of-consciousness like it felt. The character's voice and tone were perfect for what was going on, and I feel like I got a really good sense of MC's personality.
I noticed that in several instances, you begin a new paragraph in the middle of the sentence. I'm not sure if it's on purpose or not, since it kind of goes with the feeling of fast-paced and craziness that your story conveys.
Somehow, when I'm reading it, I think two different things. One side of me tells me that this is so coincidental, all those things happening at the same time, that it's unrealistic. But at the same time, it's one of those things that people can relate to, and say "Yeah, that is so me." I don't know about you, but I'm a total klutz too
This was a very lighthearted piece that made me laugh. I also think it can be interpreted as something deeper. It's really awesome.
Again, LOVED it! Nice job! Keep writing!
~Devan

Dear Vuzzycat,

I have no idea how you thought of this story. I should add this in my favorite story list. I mean, hoe did you think of this story?

Poor guy. He/She will have to clean up a lot, don't you think? He/She might as well blame it on the cat. It would be best if there was an answering machine on the phone. It would have been easier for him/her. He/She could try to get there and it would be okay for him/her to give up half-ways.

THIS IS CLASSIC. You should seriously try and write more of these types.

WHAT I LIKED: Well, everything! What isn't there not to like?

WHAT I DID NOT LIKE: Nothing! I loved everything about this story.

WHAT I DON'T GET: Why you put it under: 'Action/Adventure Short Stories'. It isn't exactly one of them, you know. Perhaps you named it because this poor guy had to go through all of that. You could more or less call that as an adventure, couldn't you?

I hope this review helped you in some way or the other.

Regards,
Nova

P.S. Keep up the cool work!

P.S. Keep up the good work!

This was good this was really good. I questioned how the character wasn't put into the emergency room after all that. And to think one measly phone ringing could cause all that bodily harm to one person. geez. Well this was funny and well done way to go keep it up.

Hello VuzzyCat,

Oh my gosh, why did it have to be too late??? I was literally gripping my seat tighter and tighter during the story and each time the phone rang I was leaning closer and closer to the screen and then it got to the end and I just wanted to scream and yell, why did you do that to us? Just kidding this was great! I loved the anticipation and the the disappointment at the end because we all wanted to hear who was at the other end of the phone and what they wanted to say. You built it up so well and it was such an unexpected twist at the end.

I liked how you didn't go into details about the main character we didn't know how old the main character was, whether the character was a boy or a girl or even a name or nickname that people refereed to the character as. i liked it like that, because all the character details weren't significant in this piece and you recognized that and used it to your advantage. It was great!

Why you put it under: 'Action/Adventure Short Stories'. It isn't exactly one of them, you know. Perhaps you named it because this poor guy had to go through all of that. You could more or less call that as an adventure, couldn't you?

I am also confused as to why you put this in action/adventure stories. I understand the action part but this didn't scream adventure. I think this would have probably been more fitting for the general fiction short stories but it's your choice and I guess it depends on how you see the story.

This must be a big house and obviously the main character is clumsy and the house seems very cluttered although the amount of hurdles and things in the way of the main character reaching the phone was more than I'd be able to create, you obviously have an amazing imagination and you must have taken some time to come up with all of the hurdles! It was really very clever!

I liked the repetition of this phrase

The phone rings again.

it was very cool and it was tenser every time you repeated that phrase.

Overall this was seriously amazing and I love this kind of writing that makes my knuckles go red from gripping my seat and I love a shocking twist and this was great! Next time you could try and make this longer and stretch out each event so that it seemed even more annoying for the main character. I encourage you to write more, I am desperate to see what further funny schemes you can come up with! This was outstanding.

From DreamingForever