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The Bronze Challenges



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Fri Aug 26, 2011 11:45 pm
psudiname says...



Chapter One


Kara's lips felt smooth and clean to the touch, which was no surprise given how much money she must have spent on lip balm. She sighed with delight as I kissed her again and began searching through her bag for money or other valuables. I had no interest in forming any sort of non monetary relationship with her, given my current circumstance. That's not to say she wasn't a beautiful girl, but anyone in my position would trade a hundred beautiful girls for a turkey breast.

Finally my hand grasped what felt like a stack of credits and I began planning how to make my escape.

"John," she said, unexpectedly breaking from our embrace, "Do you love me?"

"With all my heart," I lied, without a moment's hesitation. I had become rather good at that, given my level of practice and the necessity for it in my everyday life.

"close your eyes now, I have a surprise for you."

She smiled happily and closed her eyes. It hurt doing this to her, but not as much as my aching stomach.

"Don't peek, it'll be ready in a minute," I said as I finished rifling through her bag, finally finding a datapad. I took one final glance at the girl I had seduced, and then broke into a run, stuffing the datapad into my shirt.


I made my way home, jumping across the rooftops of the miserable city I had the bad fortune to inhabit. I would have taken the roads, but I couldn't take the chance that Kara had alerted every guard in a ten mile radius what I looked like, and out running vespas was not on my list of things I enjoyed doing.


I was almost home, when I noticed a large crowd in the market square. Ordinarily, I would have gone straight home, especially with something as valuable as a datapad, but this was an opportunity I couldn't resist. I put all of my loot down on the rooftop, and jumped down to a back alley, making sure to remember what the building looked like. The familiar scents and sounds of the marketplace filled the air, and a tingle of excitement ran through me as I realized how easy the crowd made my job. Walking slowly for a minute, I scanned the area for anything I could use. At last I spotted a vegetable stand and a man with a satchel, and quickly formulated a plan.


I walked toward him with a spring in my step, partly because I was happy that the day was so profitable, and partly because I was afraid he would walk away, taking my chance at a meal with him. To my delight, he was still engrossed in a lengthy conversation with the vegetable merchant. The whole situation seemed too perfect, but I was not one to question providence. With lightning quick hands, I slipped a head of lettuce into his satchel, and walked a couple paces backwards. When I had made sure no one saw me, I sprung into action.

"That man just stole your lettuce! He's a thief!"

The man turned violently to face me, glaring at me with the anger that the falsely accused usually have.

"He's lying, I stole nothing."

"Yes he did, just look in his satchel!"

As they all instinctively looked at his satchel, I made my move, slipping five tomatoes into my sleeves.

"There's nothing in here but my possessions, see?" the man announced proudly, opening his satchel and showing the entire group of onlookers a stolen head of lettuce. They gasped, and the man selling the vegetables grabbed him by the collar. Clearly not used to being manhandled, the man with the satchel sucker punched the merchant square in the nose. Not seeing or caring how the scene would end, I managed to get a few more carrots, and took off back to the building where I had left the rest of the day's loot.


My abnormally elated mood subsided the moment I got home. June, my fourteen year old sister, was sitting on the hard wooden box we use as a bench mending a pair of pants with some thread. My heart sank.

"June, tell me that thread is not the only thing you lifted today."

"I got the needle too," she answered guiltily.

I sighed in disappointment and sat down next to her on the box, cradling my head in my hands. "We can't survive like this."

"I know, I'll do better next time, I promise," she said, tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes.

"That's what you said yesterday, and the day before! You haven't gotten anything more valuable than a piece of celery in over a week! Do you want to starve to death?"

She didn't answer, and sobbed painfully as memories of our parents surfaced. I instantly felt bad about my choice of words. It had only been four years since they had passed away from sickness and lack of sustenance, and each of those years we had only barely made it through to the next one. I didn't want to hurt her any more than the world already had, but the situation looked bleak.

"I don't mean to put so much pressure on you, but collection day is only twenty three days from now. If we are going to survive the couple of weeks after the collector comes around, you need to start getting more valuable things. We can't be indebted to the government again, we barely had enough to eat the last time we let that happen."

She took a couple deep breaths, and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I really did try. I almost got a man's wallet, but he caught me, and I spent the day running from guards."

"It's ok," I said, putting my arm around her, "We'll get by. Here, have a tomato."

As we ate our dinner in bitter silence, I remembered one of the things my father told me, when he was only days away from death. You're a damn smart kid, and you have my charisma, and with that combination I believe that you can do anything. If I'm not around, you're the man of the family and I need you to take care of your sister, whatever that takes. As I pondered his words, I worried that I might not be able to keep the both of us fed, and that thought terrified me. With only a fourth of what we needed for collection day I was running out of options. Finally, it came to me. An option that could win me enough money to keep us fed for decades. I would compete in the Bronze Challenges, and win. You can do anything, echoed my father's voice. I hoped to God that that anything included a twenty man fight to the death.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.
  





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Sat Aug 27, 2011 1:00 am
AnAmericanTeenager says...



Dear psudiname,

Are you going to turn this story into a novel? If not you should.
You are a great writer!!
There is nothing that needs improvement, at least not that I can see.
I wish you the best of luck in the future.
This is a great story.
Once again I think you should continue this story.
If it ever gets published I beg you to tell me so I can buy it.

Hope this helped!! :)

AnAmericanTeenager
One day life will come back and if you have been going through hell, it will give you a slice of heaven.
  





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Sat Aug 27, 2011 5:17 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



Hey psudiname. :D This was definitely an interesting start, and I'm itching to read the next chapter if you decide to continue. My one thought that gives me an edge of doubt is, Will this be too similar to the Hunger Games? A lot of it will be dependent on the direction you take this, of course, but right now that's what it sounds like. Other than that, I felt like as it neared the end it was almost a little rushed, and I would've liked to know a few more details...what he and his sister look like, and what "home" exactly means to these clearly poor orphans. It doesn't all have to be covered now, but it's at least a few thoughts. But in any case, I'm definitely interested in seeing how this unfolds.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:37 am
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey there, Hawk here for a review!

All right, so this is a really good start. You got the action rolling and the intrigue high and now I'm really looking forward to what's going to happen next. Just wondering, is this supposed to be part of a novel? Because if so, I could move it to the Action/Adventure Novels section for you; just let me know. I'm really hoping this ends up being a novel, because you've got me hooked and I want to keep reading!

As StoryWeaver mentioned, this does feel really reminiscent of Suzanne Collins' The Hunger Games, as well as a bit of Disney's Aladdin (marketplaces and thieving boys really clinch it for me), which is something to keep an eye on. I don't know whether you've read the Hunger Games books, but if you have, then you could be getting a lot of subconscious ideas and influence from the storyline; this can happen a lot, and it's something to watch out for and try to change up where you can (like a plot factor, a character, settings, etc.). I've had my share of getting too influenced by books and movies and writing a story that ends up mirroring the characters or storyline of that source; with some tweaking, though, you can really make it your own.

I think you could slow down your pace just a bit, and throw in a few more details. This makes it easier to picture the scenes you're showing us, as well as giving us a bit of a breather during the action. I'd also like to know a little more about the MC, John. He seems a bit...flat, right now. I get the whole deal of him feeling desperate and wanting to take care of his sister, and feeling responsible...but it just feels really cliché. I'd like to see a little more of his personality, to make his character stand out more. Maybe he has a couple of quirks (I love making character quirks, they're so entertaining), and you could mention a bad habit he has or something. Just make him more three-dimensional and human-feeling.

All right, so that's all I've got to say. Don't hesitate to contact me if you've got any questions, and please let me know when you post more to the story! Keep up the good work!

God bless,
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  








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