Young Writers Society

It was a dark, stormy night. Elipsa, a tall brunette, was trapped in a cave on a beach. She had been taking a quiet, moonlit stroll on the sands when it had suddenly begun raining. She had seen the cave nearby and had rushed into it immediately. Now she could not get out due to the heavy rain. She touched the walls of the cave and found that it was very damp. All at once, she saw a light sparkling from deep inside the cave. She began walking towards it and then, just as suddenly as it had appeared, the light disappeared! Her eyes soon got used to the darkness. She continued walking and then, the light she had seen earlier started to shine again, only this time it was much brighter. Shielding her eyes from the light Elipsa walked towards it. As she came near it, it became dimmer. Looking around Elipsa realized that she was in the middle of the path she had been walking on. There was a wide wall that divided the path into two. The light had been shining from the centre of the wall. Elipsa slowly touched the place where the light was shining from and it disappeared. In its place a message appeared:-



"I wonder what this message means. How can these paths be the same? Anyway, I'll take the path on the left.” ,thought Elipsa. As she walked along the path, she noticed that the walls were twinkling. She moved closer to the wall and, to her surprise, she found chunks of gold and jewels stuck in them! She pulled out a sparkling diamond from the wall and suddenly she heard a loud roar echoing through the cave. And, all at once, a great big griffin appeared in front of her. The front of its body was a proud eagle's and the rear was a lion's. It had eyes of pure aqua blue and sharp talons. "Who are you? How dare you enter my cave!" Elipsa couldn't speak; she just stood and stared at the griffin. Though it was huge and she was scared stiff of it, she had never seen such a magnificent creature before. She realized that she was gaping and quickly closed her mouth. "My name is Elipsa. I was walking n the beach and it started raining so I entered this cave." Elipsa narrated everything that had happened from the time she saw the light until she had met the griffin. "I see. I should have known.", the griffin said, once Elipsa had finished narrating her story. "I could sense the Metallix." "The Metallix?" Elipsa asked, looking confused. "It is a light that shines only when a living being, except for the guardian of the cave, is near it. I am the current guardian of the cave.", the griffin replied. "Wow! But apart from that could you please let me go ahead now?" "Certainly, if you can answer the riddle I tell you." And it said:-



"Do I have a choice of not answering?" asked Elipsa. The griffin shook its head. "If you do not wish to answer, I will allow you to turn back. If you fail to answer correctly, you must die. However, if your answer is correct, I will let you pass forward." Elipsa thought and thought. What could be so powerful that you cannot even escape it? If she did not answer, she would have to die. Die.... Dead....Death! That was definitely the answer! "The answer is death.", said Elipsa. "That is correct. You may move forward.", said the griffin. Elipsa went ahead. As she was walking she took a turn and saw, in front of her, an enormous pile of gold and silver coins, heaps of jewels, studded mirrors, caskets of jewelry and right on top of the pile, lay a glittering, sliver sword. Next to it, there was a bracelet made of copper with a glowing, bright ruby in the centre. Elipsa picked it up and, thinking it was quite beautiful, put it on. Then she spotted the sword. Picking it up, she thought, "I wonder what this is for...." She heard a slight thud and from behind and turned around. There standing in front of her was the griffin. "Prepare to die." it said. “But I answered the riddle correctly! You allowed me to move forward!”, Elipsa replied in a defensive voice. “Yes, however, you are my food, the food I have waited for, for a hundred years. Now that it has wandered so willingly into my cave, I cannot just let it go. However, you can fight for your life. That is what the message that you saw meant. Both paths have danger, but one path provides protection, while the other is just a dead end. Now, prepare to die.” , said the griffin. The sharp edge of the sword and the griffin’s bright orange beak clashed many times. Then Elipsa managed to tackle the beast as it made to grab her with it's claws, and cornered it. The griffin spotted the bracelet she was wearing and said, "Ah! Now I know how you fought so valiantly. You wore the Astha."
"The what?", asked Elipsa, confused. "The Astha. The bracelet that you wear on your hand. It belonged to a mighty princess who was a warrior a long, long time ago. She fought very bravely for her country. Then one day, at a battlefield, an arrow pierced her and wounded her. She was dying, but had just enough time to use a bit of magic she had learnt from a magician. She locked away her skill of sword fighting in the bracelet that she wore. She made it such that it would not be worn by anyone except her descendants." The griffin continued, unaware of the surprised look on Elipsa's face. "After the war was over, the princess's kingdom lost. It was taken control of by the opposing kingdom. But, the king had just enough time to lock away all his treasures in this cave, where no one would look for them. You are one of the princess's descendants." Elipsa fell to her knees, the sword making a loud clanking noise on the floor as it fell.
"Wow! That... that's amazing! I can't believe it!", she said.
"Well, what are you waiting for? Kill me. You have the skills to do it."
"No. I will not kill you. This cave of my ancestors needs a protector, a guardian. You are the one who shall do it. I have to get home now."
Elipsa turned and walked out of the cave, only to be stopped when the griffin landed in front of her again. "Does he want to die?' ,she wondered in her mind. But, to her surprise, the griffin bowed low in front of her and said, "You are truly the princess's descendant. I will guard the cave for you."
"Thank you, and Good Bye.", said Elipsa. She came out to the edge of the cave and found that it had stopped raining. She walked back home and that night, dreamt of herself as a powerful warrior.

I liked this a lot, but there are a few places I'd like to discuss.

She had been taking a quiet, moonlit stroll on the sands when it had suddenly begun raining

I think this should be began instead of begun.

She touched the walls of the cave and found that it was very damp.

And, I would've put discovered instead of found, but I think that's more of personal preference.

"My name is Elipsa. I was walking n the beach and it started raining so I entered this cave."

I would and on to this, "To seek refuge." or "safety from the rain."
Anyways, I did enjoy all of the description and the riddles. Also, I thought it ended a little too swiftly, I know her walking out of the cave wouldn't be as exciting as the rest of the story, but I think you should add a little more of description.

So, I'm sorry if I sounded like I knew everything, because I don't. And I liked the story a lot.

Hmmm. I'm not sure what to think about this story. There aren't any punctual or spelling errors, but it all seems quite rushed. It's hard to explain, so I'll show you. (And sorry if you feel it's a little harsh)

It was a dark, stormy night. Elipsa, a tall brunette, was trapped in a cave on a beach. She had been taking a quiet, moonlit stroll on the sands when it had suddenly begun raining. She had seen the cave nearby and had rushed into it immediately. Now she could not get out. (How can't she get out? You need to go into more depth here) She touched the walls of the cave and found that it was very damp. All at once, she saw a light sparkling from deep inside the cave. She began walking towards it and then, just as suddenly as it had appeared, the light disappeared! Her eyes soon got used to the darkness. (You just said that the light had disappeared. If there is no light, then her eyes can't adjust, unless there is illumination coming from elsewhere. If that's the case, you need to point it out) She continued walking and then, the light she had seen earlier started to shine again, only this time it was much brighter. Shielding her eyes from the light (The light. The light. Try and avoid repetition if you can) Elipsa walked towards it. As she came nearer to it, it became dimmer. Looking around Elipsa realized that she was in the middle of the path she had been walking on. There was a wide wall that divided the path into two. The light had been shining from the centre of the wall. Elipsa slowly touched the place where the light was shining from and it disappeared. In its place a message appeared:- (How can she read the message if the light has disappeared?)

Take heed stranger,
Though one path leads to gold and one to danger unfortold,
One path is the same as the other......


"I wonder what this message means. How can these paths be the same? Anyway, I'll take the path on the left.” (This is the rushed bit I was talking about. One second she's pondering the meaning of the riddle, the next she's pretty much gone, "Oh well, who cares?" and forgotten it. You could maybe pad out her thinking a bit, maybe have her still pondereing it as she walks down the path? Just a suggestion though) ,thought Elipsa. As she walked along the path, she noticed that the walls were twinkling. She moved closer to the wall and, to her surprise, she found chunks of gold and jewels stuck in them! She pulled out a sparkling diamond from the wall and suddenly she heard a loud roar echoing through the cave. And, (This 'and' is unnecessary) all at once, a great big (great and big pretty much mean the same thing. Try a different adjective instead of big, like intimidating, or majestic. Again, just a suggestion) griffin appeared in front of her. The front of its body was a proud eagle's (I like the use of proud here ) and the rear was a lion's. It had eyes of pure aqua blue and sharp talons. "Who are you? How dare you enter my cave!" Elipsa couldn't speak; she just stood and stared at the griffin. Though it was huge and she was scared stiff of it, she had never seen such a magnificent creature before. She realized that she was gaping and quickly closed her mouth. "My name is Elipsa. I was walking n the beach and it started raining so I entered this cave." Elipsa narrated everything that had happened from the time she saw the light until she had met the griffin. "I see. I should have known.", the griffin said, once Elipsa had finished narrating her story. "I could sense the Metallix." "The Metallix?" Elipsa asked, looking confused. "It is a light that shines only when a living being, except for the guardian of the cave, is near it. I am the current guardian of the cave.", the griffin replied. "Wow! But apart from that could you please let me go ahead now?" (Again, this idea that you're rushing it. Slow down, put in some descriptions. Is she scared, uncertain? I had an image that after Elipsa said wow, she paused, maybe bit her lip and asked the question timidly. You see what I mean? It's like you're putting in dialogue just to make things happen, instead of using it to define you're characters.) "Certainly, if you can answer the riddle I tell you." And it said:- ( "Plaaaaay, the best soooong in the world. Or I'll eat your soul." Tenacious D popped into my head when I read that . )

I am the mightiest, the most powerful.
Nothing can escape me, not even the most beautiful,
My hunger is always satisfied
By men and women, animals and children I can be pacified
However hard you try, escape me you cannot
I will get you one day or another,
A place to hide from me never can be sought.


"Do I have a choice of not answering?" asked Elipsa. The griffin shook its head. "If you do not wish to answer, I will allow you to turn back. If you fail to answer correctly, you must die. However, if your answer is correct, I will let you pass ('pass' seems the wrong word to use here. Perhaps 'move' or 'continue'?) forward." Elipsa thought and thought. What could be so powerful that you cannot even escape it? If she did not answer, she would have to die. Die.... Dead....Death! That was definitely the answer! "The answer is death.", said Elipsa (Once again, you're missing key points where you can develop you're characters. If you read any book, you'll see stuff like, "He said, condescendingly", and, "She asked him, rather timidly". Try to mention how she's saying things. It'll let the reader connect better with your protagonist and give them a better picture of the scene. My, that was a long rant.. "That is correct. You may move forward.", said the griffin. Elipsa went ahead. As she was walking she took a turn and saw, in front of her, an enormous pile of gold and silver coins, heaps of jewels, studded mirrors, caskets of jewelry and right on top of the pile, lay (You don't need 'lay' here, unless you get rid of the comma) a glittering, sliver sword. Elipsa picked it up and thought, "I wonder what this is for...." She heard a slight thud and from behind her and turned around. There standing in front of her was the griffin. "Prepare to die." it said. “But I answered the riddle correctly! You allowed me to move forward!”, Elipsa replied in a defensive voice (Good. This is what I was talking about). “Yes, however, you are my food, the food I have waited for, for a hundred years. Now that it has wandered so willingly into my cave, I cannot just let it go. However, you can fight for your life. That is what the message that you saw meant. Both paths have danger, but one path provides protection, while the other is just a dead end. Now, prepare to die.” , said the griffin. The sharp edge of the sword and the griffin’s bright orange beak clashed many times. However, in the end, Elipsa managed to slice off the griffin’s head. (A completely untrained( I presume ) young girl, with a sword made of silver( A notoriously soft metal ) has managed to beat a giant, aggressive, hungry and( According to legend ) very powerful mythical beast? Seems slightly far-fetched to me.) She plucked a single pure white feather from its head and pocketed it. She kept the sword back on top of the pile (Kept it on top of the pile? You might want to say 'left' or 'placed'.) and then retraced her steps back to the mouth of the cave. Looking out, (I thought she couldn't get out? How is she now able to leave? You need to explain this further.) she found that the rain had ceased. She walked back home and that night she kept the feather under her pillow and dreamt of griffins, swords, and mysterious messages.

Again, sorry if I was harsh. It was quite a good story for a first-time, and if you changed the points I mentioned, you have a lot of potential as a writer. Keep it up!

Hi there!

This story was a very interesting read. You did a good job with moving along the story and because of this I wanted to keep reading it. I think you could've added a bit more description in this, however. We never really know how Elipsa reacts to this whole situation. How did Elipsa feel when she was choosing which path to take? Was she worried that she chose the wrong path? Wouldn't someone be scared to be alone in a dark cave like that? Get inside her head and tell us what she's thinking.

Overall, this is a good story. Keep writing!

This was a pretty decent story for you first entry . There were some parts that I really liked(like the riddles and such :3 ) and I can tell you spent time on it, but, there were also parts that were rushed and many questions left on the table. I just feel like you were trying to force your character into a situation, have her win, and then force her out again. You didn't really teach us very much about her(beyond hair color) or the gryphon...for instance, why did he wait a hundred years for his food to enter into his cave? Was there anything special about your character that connected her to all this? How did she attain the skills to slay such an awesome beast, and why did she just leave the cave afterward? Didn't she want any of the jewels and gold in the cave? Wasn't there more to the cave? And why did the Gryphon make her solve a riddle before trying to eat her? Etc. ect. This story needs some meat on its bones, don't be afraid to make it what it can be

Hia

I agree with the rest before me. Main things:

The light in the cave. Her being able to see after it left. It was a little confusing.
Why wasn't she able to leave the cave after she entered? I suggest you make the cave a bit magical. Maybe make the cave entrance close up behind her when she entered. The problem with the light... Why don't you have torches lining the walls? And put the sign with the riddle on it at the entrance of the cave. Have two different directions she can choose, like you did before, and have her meet the Griffan (I love your riddels by the way ) then he lets her pass and she finds the gold and stuff. The sword thing... I had a few probs understanding how a young lady could defend such a mighty beast with just a sword. And no shield either? Was she wounded? Make the fight a bit more exciting and realistic. And I seriously doubt she would be able to kill it. You could give us a bit of backround info bout the brunett. Maybe this was back in medival times and she was a champion swordfighter? Maybe this was a quest? But if not, you should probably have the griffan kill the girl, sad as it is I know, but all stories don't have happy endings. Another suggestion: You could turn this into a story with a moral. Like don't be greedy. Because she chose to move on and get the gold than leave the cave with her life. There are a lot of ways to manipulate the story into something fantastical and I enjoyed reading it Keep up the awesome work and happy writing ( I hope I wasn't harsh. Sorry if i was. )


~GMAmuffin~