Young Writers Society

How did I end up like this? I’m hanging upside down by my seatbelt, coughing up blood and missing a leg. It was a bit of harmless fun, a little white lie. Who would have thought it would come to this?

It all started a few days ago, when my best friend came up to me and said, “Hey, you heard about the party at Sam’s place on Friday? His parents are going out of town and it’s going to be the party of the year!”

“Who’s going?” I asked.

“Anybody who’s anybody,” she replied. “Including Drew,” she teased.

Drew was a hottie a year older than me. I had a crush on him and Lila knew it. “So, you in?” she asked. My teenager instincts told me this party was going to involve a lot of people getting drunk.

“My parents would never let me,” I said.

“But you want to go, don’t you? Lie. They’ll never know. Come on, Em,” Lila pleaded.

Over the next few days, I hatched and perfected my plan. Lila and I told our parents we were going to spend the night at Carrie’s house, but we were actually going to stay at Lila’s place while her parents were at their cabin. We cancelled with Carrie on Friday after our parents had talked about the fake plan and satisfied their nosiness.

So Friday night Lila and I left to walk, but not to Carrie’s house like our parents thought. We went to Lila’s place and borrowed her mom’s car, then took off to Sam’s house to party.

The party was a blast, as Lila promised, and involved lots of alcohol, as I predicted. I only had one drink. It lowered my inhibitions just enough that I went up to Drew and said hi. I flirted with him a tiny little bit, and he smiled. “Walk with me,” he said, and we wandered over to the cooler the drinks were in. He poured translucent liquid into a red plastic cup and handed it to me. (Oh, I guess I had two drinks.) I sort of hung around with him for the next few hours. For once, I felt accepted in the popular clique, but I also felt somewhat queasy.

Meanwhile, my stupid best friend chugged drinks to her heart’s content. She came over to me, totally hammered, and told me we needed to “skedaddle” because “the fuzz” were on their way. She took my hand and dragged me out to the car. She plunked down in the driver’s seat, but I hesitated because of what flashed into my mind.

First, I saw a graphic image from a Mothers Against Drunk Driving movie, with a guardrail piercing a windshield. The nameless faces inside the car were replaced by mine and Lila’s.

“Lila, you shouldn’t be driving,” I cautioned.

“Come on, worry wart,” she said, “I’m seventeen. Besides, look.” She began reciting the alphabet backwards – incorrectly.

“No.” I remembered Mom saying countless times that I could always call. No matter where I am or how late it is, I can always call. I flashed back to two days ago when I lied about my plans for tonight. No, I couldn’t call or they would know I was at the party, and then I’d be in big trouble.

“Hurry up, or the police will be here,” Lila said impatiently. No money for a cab, no sober friends with cars. I was out of options. I climbed in the car and we sped off into the night.

Lila swerved all over the road. I held on for dear life, laughing as if it were an amusement park ride instead of an extremely dangerous illegal activity. Then she veered just a little too far. We flew off the road and landed on our side on a slope. “Well, that was fun,” Lila laughed, and I realized she wan't wearing her seatbelt. I stared at her. How could she be so stupid? We remained sideways for less than a second before toppling over. We tumbled down the hill, turning over and over and over like clothes in a dryer. I prayed to any deity I could think of that we wouldn't die. The car crumpled around us like tin foil, and the windshield shattered. My leg got nipped under the dash. We screamed at the top of our lungs. The car continued to roll, and the dash pinched tighter. I started to cry around my screams. Lila was thrown around the car. Blood sprayed from my leg, now barely attached to my body. The incline was extremely long. Smoke filled the air. We were falling into a ravine, not a ditch. All I could think was, "We're going to die!" I bashed my head on the ceiling. I screamed even louder, and tears poured from my eyes. Lila's screams went silent. I called out to whatever powers exist. We bounced down the slope for what seemed like hours.

Finally, the car came to rest on its crumpled roof. Lila lay in an unnatural position, not moving. She wasn’t breathing. I couldn't reach her. “Wake, up, Lila, come on, wake up," I implored, but no amount of pleading would make her wake up. "She’s dead!” I sobbed, jumping to conclucions. “Oh, Lila, I told you not to drive! I told you, I told you, I told you!”

I gasped for air. It tickled my throat and I coughed up blood. When I stopped coughing, I realized what pain I was in. I screamed, and that made me cough more blood out.

That’s where you came in. A sorry state of a girl, covered in blood, dangling upside down in a car wreck, remembering her stupid mistakes.

Paramedics will come sooner or later, to bring me to the hospital and Lila to the morgue. Mom and Dad will tell me they love me, and they won’t punish me because I’m in enough trouble already.

I hope.

Hmmm, it seems more like you're doing a military report of an event, rather than a first-person view of it. There really is no emotion whatsoever. It's like you're observing it happening to someone else instead of describing it happening to you. I'm not trying to be a git here, it's just that I feel your insight into how you felt at the time could be added into the story. The lead up to getting into the car is described well ( I especially liked how you used pinched, it creates a great image) and the events before hand are well laid out. I just think the car crash itself is quite cold and distant. If you put in some of your emotions and maybe make the start a bit less 'straight-in-the-deep-end', it has potential to be a good read. Your use of dialogue is excellent, and you can turn a phrase well, it's a really easy to read piece.
Also, it's nice to read a story where all the grammar and spelling is correct, it just makes the whole thing more enjoyable overall. Keep it up!

Hello and I'll be review your story today

I'm just gonna jump right in.

Drew was a hottie a year older than me.

I think it would be best if you put a comma in here so it looks like:

Drew was a hottie, a year older than me.

Then she swerved too far.

This small part seems very bland and not extremely interesting to read, try and use different words. Also explain what the character is feeling at that moment when something so terrifying happens.

Along with that they way you described the leg coming off wasn't that good also. I'm not saying it was bad just that it could of been more dramatic.

“She’s dead!” I sobbed, “Oh, Lila, I told you not to drive! I told you, I told you, I told you!”

I didn't really think this was a great dialogue, I would think this character would be trying to get out somehow or trying to wake up her friend, not screaming at her.

Your grammar and spelling is top notch so noting to say about that (other than its good).

I liked how you started this story from the end. Thought that was a nice way to open up.

All in all a nice easy story to read, however could use a lot more emotion.

Hope this helps.

Hi there!

I was impressed by the way you wrote this considering teenagers driving drunk is such a touchy subject.

However, I do agree with roostangarar about this. You need a lot more emotion, more than just how the main character felt about Drew and about Lila driving drunk. How did she feel when the car tipped over? How did she feel when they slid off the road? Maybe use her thoughts to describe how the car tipped over. Maybe have her wondering why the car was moving again, or why she was slowly tilting to one side.

Also, I think the way Lila reacted to the crash was a little unrealistic. Sure she's drunk and everything, but even drunk people understand the tragedy of a crash. They get up from it and look around, realizing what they've done. They might not understand the extent of the damage, but they do notice they did something wrong.

Overall you did a great job with this piece. I hope this review was helpful. Keep writing!

Hi there! I am reviewing your story today! I think this story was a little too overboard. I mean, how can her leg come off completely just because of the car tumbling over. I think it's a little too much. And the dialogue:

She's dead! Oh Lila, I told you not to drive! I told you, I told you, I told you!

I think she wouldn't have known so quickly that her friend is dead. For one, she is crying, sobbing and in pain. She would probably try to wake her friend up or try to talk to her or maybe try to get out of the car or call her parents. She can't immediately know that her friend is not breathing and is dead. Of course, you have your ideas but I still think you can improve this a lot. Try giving the characters more emotion and give the story a little more feeling.That's all.
HarryPotterRocks

This mad me lol till he drov drunk thats not cool. I know people who died becos off drunk drivin :,(


"That’s where you came in. A sorry state of a girl, covered in blood, dangling upside down in a car wreck, remembering her stupid mistakes.

Paramedics will come sooner or later, to bring me to the hospital and Lila to the morgue. Mom and Dad will tell me they love me, and they won’t punish me because I’m in enough trouble already."

That bit was soooooooooo sad