Young Writers Society

Noah is yelling at me from the driver seat of our 1991 Honda Civic,

“I told you! What did I tell you! Gotdamnit Ryan! Why didn’t you listen!”

He’s voice is static; I’ve completely tuned him out.

I’m in the backseat with Elliot; the back of his head is resting on my left thigh. I have my hand over his forehead, and I’m telling him everything is going to be alright. The backseat is painted red. My left hand looks as if I was wearing a crimson glove. Elliot had a look on his face of pure terror, he was gasping for air so frantically.

Elliot was the fish little kids try to play with by taking them out of the fishbowl.

I just tried to stay as calm as I could. Despite the fact Noah was now driving over 90 in a 45, and that my childhood friend was dying in my lap. Elliot stopped gasping. As I looked down I notice his eyes have departed from fear. My heart sinks so far into my chest I can feel it protruding from my back. The great wall of calmness and reassurance crumbled quicker than I had put it up. Helplessness was a tided that washed over me in an instant.

Everything I had been tuning out, Noah, the reckless driving, the police sirens following us, and the pricing pain in my right arm flooded in all at once.

I couldn’t find my voice, “No-No-Noahhh.. Ell-Elli… he’s de-.”

The tears were choking me, I’ve never cried so much without realizing it. Noah took his eyes off the road to look at me with Elliot bled out on my lap. His mouth was open, and his eyes were yelling at the world.

It was in this window of small time; Noah swerved the wheel when he looked back. I saw us heading directly towards a truck.

The speedometer read 93.

Oh my Gosh! This is sooooo sad!

The tears were choking me, I’ve never cried so much without realizing it. Noah took his eyes off the road to look at me with Elliot bled out on my lap. His mouth was open, and his eyes were yelling at the world.

that made my heart ache!

It was in this window of small time; Noah swerved the wheel when he looked back. I saw us heading directly towards a truck.

That made me cry a little!



This short story was wonderful,well written, epecially this part:

My heart sinks so far into my chest I can feel it protruding from my back. The great wall of calmness and reassurance crumbled quicker than I had put it up. Helplessness was a tided that washed over me in an instant.

keep up the AMAZING job!!!!

This is a good story, though I've got a few suggestions if you want to improve it. For one thing, your tenses aren't very consistent. You keep alternating between past and present, which is a common problem but can confuse readers. Also, at one point you said he's in the place of his. Little mistakes like this are easy to fix. Also, I didn't quite get the sadness and suspense of this. I was sort of numb reading it. The character wasn't really expressing any emotions, which I realize could just mean he's in shock, but it's a bit confusing for the overall tone of the tale. I did think the ending was a bit of a heartrenching twist, though. The originality of it is worthy of Stephen King's praise, although you really should make the tenses consistant and fix the grammar stuff. Keep up the good work, and I hope my review helps.

This was a really good story idea, but I think are better ways you could do it. It should be sad and heartwrenching. I didn't get that, however, because the narrator didn't give us much emotion. The only emotional statement was about how his childhood friend was dying in his lap. I get he was in shock, but maybe add more emotion as it goes along as if he is coming to realize his friend is dead. You also have

Gotdamnit Ryan! Why didn't you listen!

so the narrator could be feeling guilt too. (That statement also needs different spelling. Godammit, is typically spelled like that with one word.) Great idea and the short story has awesome potential, but I think you need to connect the reader to the emotions more.

This story is very good, but there are a few questions that a left open:

-- Is Elliot actually a fish? I'm assuming he is a person, but he is mortally wounded. I don't know what is wrong with him except it involves a lot of blood. You need to tell us what happened to him.
-- Why is Noah yelling at Ryan? Again, I assume that Ryan didn't stop Elliot from doing something so Noah is placing the blame on Ryan. However, you have to explicitly tell us this, we can't always assume everything.
-- Where are they going, the hospital?
-- What happened exactly?
-- Tense (though someone else has mentioned to note
-- Spelling. I noticed you wrote "Pricing" instead of piercing.

I love the ending though. It leaves us wondering, did they live? Though going at 93, it's like you want us to beleive that they died.

Neeeey! This is waay too sad! My little brother's name is Elliot and gaah, it just made it even sadder since I imagines him sitting there in the backseat of the car
I agree with shadowwraiki though that there are a few too many questionmarks - leaving people wondering is good at times but some things are better pointed out! It's a great moment, but it feels like you leave the back story for us to figure out ourselves - Don't do that

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Nice. Aside from some past/present tense confusion, very well written. Just enough detail so we know what is going on, but absolutely no clues as to why, leaving us to fill in the blanks. Very well done.

My eyes were glued to this story until the very lasy word. It made me feel sadness for the boys in the backseat. Also, the sense of urgency that you portray is excellent. The only thing that I found that could be fixed was the use of pronouns. You threw the character's names around alot and it made it feel slightly jumbled, in my opinion at least. Great job, otherwise! Keep it up!