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Young Writers Society


Ezekiel Eminent



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Mon Aug 01, 2011 5:49 pm
Abyss says...



“It’s been five months now.” She tugged the coffee filter. “Five blasted months and this blizzard hasn’t passed. I can’t remember when was the last time I’d seen the sun for Pete’s sake.” She said, pouring Ezekiel his coffee. “We’re dying I tell you.”
“No we’re not.” He took his cup. “You’re still breathing are you not?” He winked and slid a one dollar note across the table.
“Yeah.” She placed his money in her apron’s pocket. “Easy for you to say Ezekiel! Mr. Special forces who doesn’t sleep. Who exactly do you think you are?” She barked. “Invincible?”
“No” He took a sip. Glancing up at her. “like all things in life, this too will pass.”
“Can you say the same for that?” She pointed.
“The cube.” Ezekiel whimpered, rubbing his chin.
“Yes the cube!” she snapped. “Word has it that several other towns have exactly the same cube in their centre as well.” Her eyes turned gloomy. “It’s been there ever since this damn blizzard started.” She glared out the window. “Why do you think it’s there? Who do you th--”
“Hey” He cut her off, leaning back into his chair. “Angelique” He took a quick glance at her name badge, pinned to her crisp pink apron. “Don’t you have tables to see to?” He gave a sheepish smile.
“What a charmer.” She rolled her eyes. “That’s why you’re lonely.” Swatting her short blonde hair back she stormed off, punishing the creaking wooden floor with her sharp heels.
He grinned as she walked away, tapping his fingers against the table, glancing back at her displeased face now and again. He hadn’t told the waitress that he had had vivid dreams about the cube, nightmares, to be exact. It was all so unclear to him, none of it made sense. They would come as a blur and leave him upright in the darkness, heavily panting in a cold sweat; for although he could not see the display he could feel it. He still does, even now as he sits, drinking his coffee. It manifests in his mind clearly when he freezes and stares into space; a torture he dreads more than the pain of multiple bullet wounds.
He gazed back at the waiter again, trying to get her attention for a refill as he held out his cup. She stood behind a brown till that looked like it had been pieced together sloppily, as she nodded and held out her index finger. Coffee had been in high demand the last five months because of the blizzard, and so was fuel for the domestic generators. The diner was doing exceptionally well, for a small cranky building amidst a snow storm its funds were large. If it wasn’t for the coffee (of which they had a secret way of making) Ezekiel would have stayed clear of the buzz and the many people, as he usually did.
He looked back again, finding his waitress balancing multiple treys as she staggered toward a large family seated in the corner. He sighed. Tapping his fingers against the table again, gazing down at his empty cup. The cup began to blur, and his daydreams surfaced again. His eyes began drooping as the noise of the diner faded away, and all that was left was the feeling.

“Order up!” the manager called, slamming on a small rusted silver bell.
Ezekiel let out a sharp breath of relief, as the sound of the bell still rung in his ears he felt fortunate. Holding on to the edges of the table he gathered himself, inhaling and exhaling steadily.
He heard a muffled voice, looking up he saw the waitress. “Hey” she said. “Are you alright?”
“Yes” he breathed. “Change that refill to a glass of water please.” Sliding his cup across the table.
“Sure” she took it.
“Thanks.”
She gave an uneasy smile and took off with the steaming jar of coffee in her left, giving a quick glance back at Ezekiel with a raised eye-brow. Looking forward she gasped for air as a child came storming through the patched flapping doors and rammed into her, knocking her over. The jar flung into the air and she closed her eyes as she hit the ground, holding her hands out as reflex, in attempt to prevent herself from burning. With her eyes still closed she felt a tingling in her fingers, waiting to touch the glass or the hot liquid. A few moments had passed and yet she felt nothing, realizing her head was resting on a shoe. She opened her eyes and beheld Ezekiel holding the jar in one hand and the child in the other. A gentlemen at the far back of the diner began clapping and soon everyone followed, having witnessed everything. Placing the jar aside and setting the child down Ezekiel helped the waitress to her feet, holding her hand he could feel it trembling.
“Thank you” she wavered, brushing the hair from her face.
He gave her a nod without a word in reply.
“Ezekiel! Ezekiel!” The boy caught his breath. “Amy went wondering in the woods again! I looked everywhere and I—“The boy paused.
Ezekiel crouched down to him and grasped his snow covered gloves in both his hands, looking into his teary eyes. “Breathe boy.” He squeezed. “Start from the beginning.”
The boy took a few deep breaths and continued . “She told me she had something to show me, something in the woods, something really amazing. Then suddenly—“
He bowed his head. “She vanished. I looked everywhere but the snow fell too thick.” He sobbed.
“Can you take me to where you saw her last!” Ezekiel pleaded.
The boy looked up. “Yes. Follow me quickly”
Ezekiel stood up finding the waitress holding her heart in shock, having heard every word.
“Hurry Ezekiel! Your daughter!” She cried.
Ezekiel took off immediately, grabbing his coat off the cloak hanger before bursting through the flapping doors. After tying his scarf tightly around his mouth he wrapped his coat around the boy and they were off, he marched through the thick snow as the boy tottered ahead. The cold beat against their cheeks, and even though the boy had Ezekiel’s thick coat draped around him he still shivered.
“This way!” the boy yelled. “Just over that hill!” he pointed.
Their stride broke out into a jog, as their furry boots dug deep into the snow. Each step felt heavier than the last, running past the bare trees deadened in the blizzard.
Their exhaustion of thrusting breathes had their feet lame as they reached the top of the hill, leaning on their knees gasping for air.
“That’s where we were last!” He cried, pointing bellow.
Ezekiel rose upright and continued the march, leading the boy as he staggered, as if on the brink of collapsing. The cold air whirled in their lungs, and both their lips were purple and blue.
“Don’t fall boy!” Ezekiel cried. “Or you will tumble into the ice!”
The hill led down sharply into a frozen river, that led into a cave. Their reflection in it slowly began to show as they appeared, first their heads and then the rest. The boy gazed down at the river still shivering, as if he’d seen something beneath it.
“Is this it?” Ezekiel turned to the boy. “Is this where you saw her last?”
“Yes. This is it exa—“
“Shhhhh” Ezekiel put his finger to his lips. “I hear something coming from over there” He glared.
“The cave” The boy whispered. “It has to be.”
Ezekiel paced forward and the boy followed once again, only this time their steps were more cautious. All that was heard was the rushing wind through the trees and the sound of crushing snow beneath their feet, as they both drew shallow breathes, focusing all their senses on the opening of the cave, waiting attentively for even the smallest of sounds to escape its darkness. An occasional howl of the local wolves turned the boy’s face even more pale than it was, although he felt rather secure being in the presence of Ezekiel.
They neared the opening of the cave when a cry broke out.
“Amy!” Ezekiel yelled. “I’m here!” he rushed into the cave.
The quaking boy slowly followed behind, feeling his knees beginning to shake. He paced faster when Ezekiel disappeared into the cave, feeling his stomach tie into a knot.
“Amy!” Ezekiel’s cry echoed. “A—“ He swallowed hard.
Finding his daughter safely playing cards before a blazing furnace dried his throat, and left him puzzled beyond repair. “W—what’s this?” he asked.
“Daddy!” she called, remaining seated with a large smile wrapped around her face. “Come play with us daddy!” she chuckled.
Ezekiel gazed at the empty seat across the perfectly varnished table from where his daughter sat, noticing it being vacant.
“Us?” he choked. “Who’s us darling?”
Amy turned to him. “The angel in your dreams silly!”
He loosened his scarf and scratched his throat finding it hard to breath; hard to absorb the words his daughter had just tenderly uttered.
“I see her too!” The boy exclaimed, appearing from the darkness behind Ezekiel.
He brushed past Ezekiel’s leg and sat on the oak bench next to Amy, removing his gloves and hat then taking a portion of the cards that had been stacked in the centre of the table.
“Children” Ezekiel muttered, running his leather covered fingers through his hair. “They sure do have a way with me.”
“Indeed” A feminine whisper sounded in his left ear, then parted with a sweet chuckle.
He quickly twitched his head to the left in search of the woman, almost numb with shock.
“Ah” The whisper sounded again, this time in his right ear.
“Show yourself woman!” He cried, turning in every direction. “Show yourself!”
The children continued playing, not moved in the least by Ezekiel’s sudden panic. The boy shuffled the deck of cards under the anxious eyes of Amy, unaware of her father’s distress.
“Relax Ezekiel” the voice ringed, followed by a cold stroke of his left cheek.
“How” he ran his hand over his face but felt nothing there. “Who are you?”
He took a quivered step back as a blue body of light emerged, radiating an aura that stole the breath from his lungs. It beamed throughout the cave, illuminating every shadow in every corner with its light. Though it glowed like it merged with a piece of the sun, its luminosity was mild and fell gentle on Ezekiel’s skin, like a breathless breeze.
A voice came from the light, every word smoothly sailing into Ezekiel’s ears. “It takes time emerging for beings without innocence” It said.
Growing brighter and brighter, it shot a series of beams through every crevice of the cave and one grand one out the mouth of it. The animals in its immediate radius fled as fast as they could, tossing back scoops of snow as they ran, making sure they steered away from the town in fear of being shot, whilst the people of it flocked toward the windows in wherever they were found, pressing against the frosted glass with gapping mouths and widened eyes.
Ezekiel found himself on one knee covering his face with his right arm, grinding his teeth as the light sent a strong wave of chills throughout his body. His scarf reached far beyond his back in attempt to escape, but being so tightly wrapped around his neck it failed, along with every other piece of fabric that clothed him.
His blood slowly began to flow back into his knuckles when the light let out a concluding screech and the intensity of it began to wane, the beams weakened, returning the outer side of the cave to its normal order. The animals paused in their fleeing and gazed back, and the people of the town detached from their windows; returning to their usual endeavors.
Ezekiel still found himself on a single knee covering his face, feeling partially blinded. Heavily panting he kept his eyes shut, whilst his entire body still shook.
“I’m here” The voice said. “Do not be afraid.”
His arm quivered as he moved it from his face, the impression it made still remained. He peeped through his eye lids as if waking up from a thousand day sleep; everything was a blur. Rising to his feet gazing at the floor with his face veiled by his long brown hair that vibrated the higher he came, he could feel the woman’s presence.
“It’s okay” She gently rested her hands on either side of his face, turning his gaze upon her he saw her smile.
Her hands were cold, but that didn’t matter. His body was cold, but that didn’t matter either. He was all too captured, all too distracted by the image of this woman.
“That’s it” She whispered, releasing his face.
Staring into her crystal blue eyes these were the only feeble words he could conjure. “Who are you?”
“Samara” She smiled.
Undisturbed by the vague answer he received, he kept staring into her eyes, as there was where all his answers lied. He moved closer and closer, being drawn in helplessly.
“I have much to show you” She shut her eyes. “There are things you need to know”
Ezekiel ran his hand over his face and took two steps back, running his eyes along her hair that reached just behind her knees. Its white radiance reflected in the glared of his eyes.
“You must focus Ezekiel” She said, opening her eyes again. “If my beauty is an obstacle I could always blind you for a time—“
“No!” he rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry, its just—“
“I know” She smirked. “Trust me Ezekiel, I would never blame you.”
She reached back and pulled her hair forward hanging it over her shoulder, then brushed it down repeatedly with both her hands.
“Keep still and don’t forget to breathe Ezekiel” She said, still brushing.
With a final stroke she held her hair out as if holding a serpent, then released her hold having it hang in mid air. She closed her eyes and held out her hands in a manner of holding a large sphere, although the focus on her face never showed, she only appeared as if sleeping. Ezekiel gawked as he took another step back, seeing each strand begin to separate and spread. Each reaching outward, eventually forming a perfect circle. Then a light appeared at the tip of each of her fingertips, the same blue light as before. It slowly began to expand into her hands and then moved up every strand of her hair, until a large glowing whirlpool appeared before Ezekiel. It whirled and whirled gradually increasing in speed, awaiting for Ezekiel’s entrance.
His feet slid across the smooth rock of the cave, as he squirmed trying to flee, but the force was too strong, soon his body dispersed into a vapor and he was sucked in.
Like a hydrogen composed ghost he shot through a long blue tunnel of light, completely robbed of control. Soon his travel was over and the tunnel disappeared, along with the sound of the wind that rushed past him. His form of vapor became flesh, each molecule of water slowly pieced Ezekiel back together again.
“W-where am I?” He stammered, gazing down upon a thick layer of grey clouds.
“You are where you ought to be.” Samara said, phasing in from nowhere.
She hooked her arm in his and they drifted forward, gradually declining.
“I know all about your dreams Ezekiel, I know that you’ve been trying to make sense of them and I know what evil you’ve felt.” She said. “For I am the cause of it all” She bowed, as they passed through the clouds.
“What do you mean you are the cause?” He looked down.
“I mean exactly that Ezekiel.” She sighed. “All because I am easily ensnared by earthly charm.”
“Earthly charm?” He swallowed, still looking down.
Samara tightened her grip she had on Ezekiel’s arm and zoomed down speedily, until they were close enough to see the large peculiar cube of ice.
“Why—“ Ezekiel caught his breath. “Why didn’t we just walk here if this is what you wanted to show me?”
“Because if we did.” She sharply glanced at him. “The still waters of your destiny would have been greatly disturbed.”
He swallowed hard. “Destiny?”
“Yes.” She sighed. “About five months ago something happened that shouldn’t have, not in a thousand years at least. I was summoned. From the heavens my home, where I truly belong of course. I awoke dazed and confounded by the stale atmosphere I found myself in, looking around I had noticed I was surrounding my a circle of fire—an element which was strictly forbidden in the heavens and still is. A man clothed within a white robe approached me and effectively charmed me into believing that all this was God’s will. He was smooth and vibrant, very young in comparison to his wisdom. He spoke of things I never knew existed and tricked me into believing I formed a vital part of the earth’s well deserved fate. I was baffled at how much he knew about me, it was unthinkable at that moment, that a mere earthling could possess such profound knowledge of a power far greater than his own. He knew I had the power to manipulate water in every way imaginable, and with this knowledge, he played me like a fool.”
She left Ezekiel dumfounded as he tried to make sense of what she was saying but failed. Then she continued.
“This blizzard. Those cubes. Are all pieces of a wicked puzzle. A puzzle you will soon have to break Ezekiel, only you.”
He stared at the cube. “I still don’t understand Samara!” He cried. “None of this makes sense!”
She closed her eyes. “Patience Ezekiel.” She said. “Patience.”
Opening them she continued. “The mysterious man revealed his entire plan before me, although to this day I am still not sure if he had revealed everything. He told me he had acquired six large spheres of plutonium from another planet, and needed a foundation of a supernatural kind to hold them. Plutonium of that kind needs to be kept in a substance the earth itself could not provide, so he used me to create this blizzard and plant those cubes. Once I had done what he had desired, he told me I should linger for the duration of six months, and when it was over I could return home. So I changed my form into that of a common man and came down to these parts to spend my time dwelling amidst the trees; communing with the animals. But through all his wisdom, he lacked one detail, a detail that became apparent to me when her voice sounded in my head. Yes. Once we angels pass from heaven we share a common mind and can communicate instantly that way. I soon found that I was right, the man hadn’t revealed his entire plan to me. For he summoned my sister, of whom I am much alike, only she can manipulate fire not water. He used his charm once again, and I could feel my sister falling for him, I could hear her giggles and sense her smiling. I heard his voice too, as it rang in her mind. He told her that six months from that hour she must fly above the clouds and release beams of fire upon each of the cubes and when they had melted into the shape he desired she should stop. Clearly the man knew something I did not, of a certain combination of two angelic powers that would result in something catastrophic.”
She glared at Ezekiel-- now numb with shock. “To this day I haven’t figured out what it is.” She said. “Having heard all this I ran to the very cave you found me in and wept in the darkness, where the man’s voice still rang in my mind, agonizing me each passing day. With time I slowly began to make sense of everything. Why plutonium? Why grey cloud cover? Why an unknown combination of angelic power?”
Samara tilted her head up, looking passed the clouds. “Ah yes. I was right.” The ocean blue in her eyes grew brighter.
“Right about what?” Ezekiel nudged.
She fixed her gaze on Ezekiel again. “The man desires a large portion of the worlds vanity, if not all of it, and he would do anything to get it, it couldn’t be made anymore clearer. This carnal desire will become a reality if he is not stopped.”
She turned her gaze from Ezekiel and looked back up through the clouds. “You cannot see it, I do not blame you. Mortality hinders you greatly. The man has already placed surveying satellites in space orbiting the earth, watching these towns with mechanical patience. At the ready to capture the picture of his evil. The government will be the first to see it.”
“He plans on draining the government of all the funds they have!” Ezekiel beamed. “But six large spheres of plutonium? Why so much?”
“That I do not know Ezekiel. That I do not know.” She replied.
She examined Ezekiel’s face and gave a vein snigger. “I sense the burning question banging at the bars of your mind wanting to be freed. Why you? You’re thinking.”
She unhooked her arm from Ezekiel’s and formed a small platform of ice beneath his feet by a single snap of her fingers.
“Ezekiel” She said, staring deep into his eyes. “From the heavens I have been watching you since the day you were born. All through your childhood and all through the years you spent in the armies special forces unit. In all the earth there isn’t one who can handle a gun like you can, none has mastered the vast range of weapons you did. You were hard in your days of glory, but now that you’ve retired recently you’ve gone soft and grown weak. I still see the burning urge to have those days back in your eyes, I still see that hope that one day you may fight for the good people of this state once again. Well. I need a protector for my plan of retribution to work. I can revive you again and once more you can fight for not only this state, but the world as a whole.”
Ezekiel shuddered at the thought, but once more felt the arms of purpose tugging at him.
“I’m ready” he said. “whatever it is you want me to do I’ll do it.”
Samaras face lit up, and seemed as though waves crashed in her eyes. “Excellent!” she exclaimed. “Not too long from now you will be doing this planet a great good Ezekiel.”

She hooked her arm in his once again and she revealed her plan to him as they glided through the blizzard over the towns. Overlooking the frozen lakes and glaciers, along with the bare tree-tops of tall trees. Samara went into extreme detail concerning her plan, whilst Ezekiel attentively listened. Some of the details made him shudder and some of them had him vaguely snicker, like for instance: Samara made known to him that the six towns were arranged in such a manner that if connected by lines the shape of geometric lips would be formed, as a symbol of kissing this world good-bye if they failed.
She requested that Ezekiel point them in the direction of his home, as she was eager to closely inspect his wide range of weaponry he had hidden in his basement. He pointed and they began to descend, seeing the buckled shacks of the town draw nearer and nearer.
“This blizzard really took its toll on your town.” She said, as they neared his home. “Everything seems to be falling apart from what I see.”
They exchanged glances and she smiled, as they quietly swooped in and gently landed in front of Ezekiel’s home.
He struggled to catch his breath. “I don’t ever think I’ll get use to that.”
“Oh sure you will” she quickly remarked. “Now if you’d please lead the way.”
He unhooked his arm from hers and made his way up the snow-covered steps that led to his door of chipped paint and scarcely patched cracks. Touching his door knob the image of his daughter shot into his mind.
“What about Amy and her friend” He glanced back at Samara.
“The cave is protected Ezekiel.” She paced forward. “They’re safe, trust me.”
After that had happened and after all she had told Ezekiel, he felt he could trust her. He gave her a nod and twisted the door knob, then held the door open kindly waiting for her to pass.
“Quite the gentlemen eh?” She smiled, running her hand across his chest as she passed.
He felt a brief shiver travel down his spine at the touch of her pale fingers, then closed the door when she was in.
“Welcome. It’s not heaven but its home.” He said, running his eyes along Samara’s back as she stood before him.
“It’s cozy” she remarked with a snug smile. “A tad untidy though”
He caught her looking at the ruffled blankets on the couch and creased mat covered with scattered shoes and socks.
“D-depression” he stammered. “After I retired the depression kicked in.”
She giggled. “It’s alright.”
He inhaled deeply, clapped his hands together rubbing them.
“Now!” he broke the silence. “Back to why we came.”
He paced passed Samara and gazed back at her, noticing that she looked equally as beautiful from the front as she did from the back. And how infinitely more dazzling she looked standing in front of his old cracked door.
“Uhm…follow me will you.” He said, trying not to drool. “The basement’s just down the hall.”
He stumbled a bit as he turned around. Then led her to yet another cracked door, only this one hadn’t been painted. On the way he noticed that only his footsteps had been heard, and for the first time he observed that Samara hadn’t any shoes and was barefooted this whole time.
“Like my nail polish?” She sniggered, noticing him staring at her feet.
He gave an uneasy smile and opened the door, releasing a wave of thudding that came from beneath, then waited for her to proceed.
“These steps are rickety, but it’s not like you would mind.” He said, shutting the door behind him.
She glanced back and gave him a wink. “would you catch me if I fall hmmm?”
They exchanged smiles before she stepped back and disappeared into the darkness, leaving Ezekiel’s legs lame as he ran his fingers through his hair. He soon followed and with a few squeaks and cracking of wood, he found himself next to Samara under the dim light of his basement and a relentless beating sound.
“Turn that off please!” She yelled, under the heavy rumblings of the generator. “I’ll provide us with light.”
“Alright!” he darted toward the roaring machine. “Just a sec!”
With a strong pull of a rusty lever the rumbling stopped at once and reducing the room to a deafening silence, enshrouding the house with darkness. All that was heard was Ezekiel’s breathing and an occasional sniff of his nose.
“Samara?” He whispered, growing anxious.
“Sama—“He paused, seeing a vapor of blue light escape her lips. It flowed into a whirling sphere hovering above her outstretched hand and illumined the room with just enough light for Ezekiel to see how filthy it truly was.
“There” she said. “That should do it.”
The sphere was as big as a marble but had such profound detail to it, much like Samara’s eyes, like a micro planet with a single purpose—to shed light.
“Wow” He gazed around. “This place sure could use a clean.”
“Yes” She stared into the sphere. “It sure could.”
After he had looked at each cob web Ezekiel quickly made his way to the corner of the room where a large metal case lied, at the start of a long row of one’s much like it. He flipped it open and moved onto the next until he reached the end, and all of them gapped. Revealing a hefty amount of all types of guns, grenades and ammunition neatly arranged in their molds. Along with a series of bullet scorned ballistic vests.
“Quite the gunslinger eh?” Samara ambled toward the cases.
“I sure was” He smirked, running his fingers over a tainted handgun. “5 months without pulling a trigger and it feels as though I lost everything. All my skill.”
“That will soon change Ezekiel.” She said. “Now I have something to ask of you”
“What’s that?” He put the handgun back in its mold.
“I need you to leave me alone with these weapons for a few minutes” She said. “I’ll let you know when I’m done.”
“wait what exactly do you—“
“—Ezekiel just trust me.” She cut him off. “Please.”

He left without a word more and made his way up the stairs, reaching the top he noticed the light the sphere radiated had been equally effective as it was in the basement. He gave a quick glance down the stairs and noticed nothing had changed, then closed the door behind him and slid down onto the floor and waited. Soon he grew tired and tried with all his will to force his eyes open, but it only worked for moments before he fell over to one side and slept.
He hadn’t any dream or nightmare, as if he had been dreaming all this time and sleeping was means to waking up. This notion crumbled when the door beside began beating, like a troll stood behind it and banged its head repeatedly against it. This woke Ezekiel, and he felt a cold breeze sweep through the house; into every open space of his clothing. He gasped to his feet and looked around to see what was happening, whilst holding his head with one hand. He let out a groan of pain as the thumping sounded in his head as well, causing his vision to partially smudge. The thumping grew louder and louder and the door’s vibrations more aggressive, when with a loud back the door dispersed into a thousand pieces. Ezekiel quickly covered his eyes, barricading himself from the wave of bursting splinters. Dropping his arm from his face he discovered the splinter pieces had been warped, floating, as if in space. He waved his hand through the cloud of fragments, calmed by how softly it brushed past his fingers. Pleased with the filling he quickly made his way down the stairs, free from his former headache.

“Samara!” He called, steadily putting his left foot forward, noticing the light was gone.
“Yes darling.” Samara lit up, an arms length away from Ezekiel.
She held out a fresh white rose. “Here” she said. “Take it”
Confused he took it with hesitation. “What is this for?”
Her light waned and then she disappeared. “Take a whiff silly!” Amy’s voice sounded.
With the room being completely dark he just trusted his instincts and raised the rose to his nose, then inhaled deeply. His eyes shot wide and the room lit up brighter than ever before, as a strong aroma of metal filled his nose and lungs. He began levitating and all things became vividly visible as he gazed upon Samara calmly sitting on the metal case in the centre of its row leaning against the wall with her legs and arms folded, confidently smiling at Ezekiel as he bathed in white light. He turned his gaze from her and noticed all the cases were empty, totally being overwhelmed by the power. He soon collapsed. The rose withered and fell from his hand, hitting the ground at the exact moment he did. Samara walked toward him, leaned in and kissed him on his chin. “Sleep well Ezekiel” She whispered, before disappearing into a cloud of vapor that gently fell on his face.

A few days later he awoke, under the heavy noise of the cranky generator. Perplexed at how it had started up on its own, he shuddered at the dim light and the uneasy feeling swaying in his body. The vapor of Samara’s disappearance was still fresh on his face, as he tapped his cheek and gazed at his hand. A cool burning sensation surfaced on his chin, propelling up the stairs and into his bathroom. He quickly opened both taps and filled his basin with water, then dug his fingers deep into it and threw the water onto his face with a grunt. Wiping his eyes he shuddered at what he saw in the mirror—a snowflake that seemed to have been tattooed onto his chin. He leaned in closer and wiped his eyes again, then tugged at the hand towel to his right and stormed out, jolting down the hallway. He burst through the front door and once more entered the unforgiving blizzard, then made his way down to the diner.
Storming in he grabbed the nearest waitress. “What day is it?” He demanded.
“J-June the 16th” She stammered. “Friday”
He released her and ran his fingers through his hair. “Four weeks” He sighed. “Four weeks I’ve been asleep.”
The entire diner stared at Ezekiel in utter shock as he tossed and turned in shock with his hand pressed tightly to his mouth. The waitress he grabbed still stood in the exact same position.
“What has she done?” he murmured. “What!”
The waitress touched the corner of her red lips and smiled. “Sir?” She said. “Why don’t you have a seat and have something warm to drink okay.”
Ezekiel ignored her hospitality and gazed out the window at the cube. “No!” he whimpered. “EVERYBODY OUT! NOW!” he thundered.
The diner went lame and failed to move. “NOW!” he persisted.
And everybody sprung out their seats, some grabbed the surplus of their food, and ran out the back of the diner. Ezekiel wondered why a mere raising of his voice was so effect, then felt a weighted object in his hands. He looked down and found himself holding a handgun, the very weapon he touched last in his basement. His hand went numb and he released it from his fingers, shattering it do pieces of ice when it dropped to the floor. Immediately after a strong gushing wind rushed through the diner, shattering its windows and wrecking its furniture. And as Ezekiel expected, Samara appeared before him.
“The day has come Ezekiel” She said. “I know you’re ready”
“Where’s Amy!” He erupted. They glared at each other.
Samara released a vapor from her mouth that congregated into a solid mirror, depicting Amy and her friend soundly asleep on a thick fluffy couch.
Ezekiel grinned seeing Amy’s petite arms tightly wrapped around the pink teddy bear he had bought her for her last birthday, with her nose buried in its furry head.
“Alright” he said. Their eyes met as the mirror between them disappeared. “You have my thanks.”
“Sure I do” She smirked. “And soon I will have much more than that.”
She darted out the diner and Ezekiel followed closely behind, one by one vanishing into the blizzard that now appeared to be far more forceful. Ezekiel noticed Samara inhaling deeply looking up at the grey sky, curious at what she was looking at he gazed up as well. Six red spots swelled amidst the clouds.
“It won’t be long now” she said, giving a weak smile.
She tugged at Ezekiel’s arm shifting his attention from the sky and onto her. “Remember Ezekiel” she said. “I’m trusting you with everything. It all depends on you now.”
He gave a hesitant nod and they made their way to the large cube with a brisk walk. Samara pressed her back and palms against it, giving Ezekiel one last bright assuring smile.
“Wait!” he held her face and bowed his head, letting out a long breath. “Would you just wait a moment.”
Her eyes brightened as his head steadily raise and they exchanged looks of vibrant passion. Unable to suppress his burning desire he leaned in and kissed her, as she slowly merged with the cube of ice. Soon only her lips was left, and they departed with a final kiss.
Ezekiel suddenly felt a new level of wisdom shoot through his mind, as it manifested and enhanced his knowledge about everything, he learnt how to use the full extent of his new power in an instant. His eye color changed from brown to crystal blue and the snowflake he had tattooed on his chin began to glow a bright red. He wrapped his scarf around his mouth and fastened his coat, patiently gazing up at the sky.
When with a clap of thunder a great beam of fire shot through the clouds and onto the cube of the first town, melting every snowflake on its way down. Using his new found vision he gazed beyond the sky and saw Samara’s sister, possessing equal beauty she looked like an identical twin, only she looked much more fierce behind those blazing eyes, gifted with two widespread wings of flame. He then gazed at the cube and watched as the relentless fiery beam was pushed down upon it and beholding it rapidly melt, as its liquid slowly froze the town’s people and buildings in place. After everything was consumed the liquid rose from the ground, illumined by the flames, and flowed into the shape of a hand and became solid. The fingers of it were widespread and arched, eagerly awaiting something Ezekiel knew exactly what was, possessing a color that was without doubt invisible to the mortal eye.
The power of the beam stopped when the hand was fully formed and prepared, then the spot of redness from where it came disappeared under the firing of the next one. The gushes of wind bringing with it plagues of snowflakes, grew stronger and stronger the closer the beam fired to Ezekiel, but he stood unmoved, firm and steadfast amidst the turbulence.
The hand in the town just ahead neared completion, and at once Ezekiel took his battle stance, preparing for something paranormal. Now all the spots in the sky disappeared and the only one left was the one directly above Samara. Ezekiel leaped on top of the cube with ease, and at his landing the red spot above him began to smolder. When with a sixth clap of thunder the beam came thrusting down, with an incalculable force. Its radiance consumed the entire town and most of what surrounded it with red light, driving hard through the dense blizzard.
Ezekiel flung himself into the air and drew a colossal sword from the wind entirely compose of ice, with an intense burning fervor in his eyes, he drove it against the beam with most of his new found strength. Forcing and forcing with great might, he pushed heavy breathes through the fabric of his scarf. When eventually after much thrust, his sword dispersed into a wave of water in every direction and the beam of fire was reduced to a cloud of smoke, as Ezekiel dropped back to the cube landing on a single knee; touching the ice with his finger tips.
Samara’s sister glared down at Ezekiel through the smoke and gave a light grin as their eyes met, at the ready to tear each other apart come whatever. He rose to his feet and put his hands in his pockets, mocking her as he grinned and awaited her next move. Although she didn’t take any action, instead, she folded her arms and gazed up into space with a sickening smile.
A white vortex spawned in the area at which she gazed and six grey horses came galloping from it, pulling a glossy chariot made of timber. The flames of her blazing wings began to waver with the wind as the chariot passed and pushed through the clouds, moving downward toward the surface. It circled around Ezekiel several times, then pressed on into the distance toward the nearest town with more speed than before. With each town passed a horse detached from its reins and gently descended into the wide icy palms of the transfigured cubes, turning into a ball on the way down.
Soon the chariot speedily returned with a single horse pulling it, then came to a halt once it reached Ezekiel. The horse gave a shrilling nay, expelling steam from its nostrils, as the chariot shattered and a black robed figure appeared amidst the raining pieces.
“What’s this!” he thundered. “A betrayal hmm?”
Ezekiel glared at the man, not saying a word. “Who might you be hmm?” he drifted in. “What is your role in all this?”
The man set himself down tenderly an arms length away from Ezekiel, and their eyes met. He had fire in his and Ezekiel’s glowed with ice. The man too had a peculiar mark on his chin, only his looked like a man engulfed in fire; torn limb for limb. Ezekiel focused more and noticed how extremely detailed it was, but before a thought could surface about it the man spoke again.
“Do you have a tongue boy?”he mocked. “Do you?”
Fed up with being mocked Ezekiel pulled his scarf down from his mouth. “Yes” he said. “What’s it to you anyway?”
The man gave a weak grin seeing the mark on Ezekiel’s chin as he stared at. “Ah yes.” He said, dreamingly. “Of course…the kiss of fate.”
Seeing the man bewildered by his mark, Ezekiel found it within him to remove the light from it, returning it to a mere tattoo. And at once the man snapped out of his dazed state.
“Your name?” He surfaced. “Ezekiel is it not?”
“Having known my name why did you ask?” Ezekiel said, looking fierce.
“You can tell a lot by the mark of an angels touch boy.” He said. “Do you honestly believe you can stop me?”
“Ask yourself this wise guy: would I be here if I didn’t?”
The man sniggered, then removed his hood from his head. “Oh you miserable boy, what have you gotten yourself into.” He said. “Well. It’s too late now. You will just have to die.”
He removed his entire robe with a single pull and tossed it into the air, revealing his perfectly tailored suit beneath.
“Without further chatter, shall we begin.” He said. “I have vanity to claim!”
They simultaneously kindled their marks and clenched their fists tight whilst Samara’s sister quietly smiled as she watched from above; awaiting the battles genesis.
Ezekiel conjured up a shot gun in each hand and pressed their bullet holes tightly against the mans chest; giving a sharp grin he pulled both triggers and blasted him through the air. He rammed into a tree with pieces of shattered ice falling from his torso; then fell on his back but quickly jerked to his feet. Filled with frustration he brushed his torn shirt off whilst ascending into the air, then loosened his tie a notch.
“GUNSLINGER!” He spewed. “ALLOW ME TO ENLIGHTEN YOU!” The man gave off an evil laughter then began grinding his teeth, as the flames blistered in his eyes.
He held his hands to the clouds and gave Ezekiel a cutting glare, as if pruning the garden of his fatality. Fire brewed in the lines of his palms as his finger tips began to smolder, expelling smoke that swayed with the wind. When suddenly two large spheres shot out from his hands, subdividing into countless smaller spheres as it travelled through the air. Eventually each sphere tore through the clouds and vanished into space, and once more the battlefield was only left with sound of the howling wind.
Ezekiel turned his gaze from the sky and back onto the man, trying to make sense of what just happened. When at last a vague screeching and gnawing tore the silence in two, as the fire the man dispersed finally returned. Back through the clouds it came, bursting through the swiftly patched holes they created when ascending. Ezekiel liquidized his shotguns and readied himself with a plan of defense, as the transfigured spheres rained to the ground into a mass of what looked like a legion of smoldering imps. Vast as sand they surrounded Ezekiel and the cube, gnashing their teeth and scrapping their claws together. Some sniggered whilst others screeched, among the small percent of which were silent, whilst impatiently waiting for the man’s command.
Ezekiel gathered enough will to replicate himself into four, being all that he could manage. Each clone readied himself at each side of the cube each holding a hefty mini gun, whist he levitated above them, equipped with nothing, except for the vapor that rose from his palms.
“FEAST!” the man thundered, and at once every imp swarmed in toward the cube, across a bone dry hot patch of land, they even fell over each other blinded by their hunger.
The clones opened fire, pulling as hard as they could on the triggers, as a halo of bullet shells around the cube began to form. Every rotation of their mini-guns brought with it the death of several imps and a puff of smoke as they died, a smoke that slowly began to veil the air.
Slowly the plague of imps drew closer and closer toward the cube, until they were but moments away from slaughtering the clones. An arms length away now they had come, growing stronger and more forceful as they pushed against the relentless foot long iced bullets. They soon dug their tiny feet into the shells covered knee deep, and pressed through it. When finally the moment of contact came, and one dug his claws into the cube in effort to ascend to the clones. Ezekiel’s eyes lit up as he felt a sharp pain shoot through his heart, then travelling through his body. He screeched as the vapor expelled from his palms grew extremely thick, seething through the spaces of his fingers. He shot up into the sky and descending like a rock, a rock of ice and zest, twirling upside down as grenades rained from both his palms and bombarded the imps. The multitude of them all cried for mercy in there sickened speech, running back and forth robbed of an escape, massacred before their master. The man stood motionless as he watched the ardent flames of his own creation extinguished, put out at the cold hand of Ezekiel.
Ezekiel flipped and landed in the centre of the cube, drawing the clones back into his entity. Dropping to his knees he wheezed heavily, exhausted from the attack, from the shallow breathed defense he had to endure. The thick smoke concealed the position of the man, as Ezekiel failed to see through it. Coughing, he placed his hand over his heart in pain, for the crack on the side of the cube still existed.
The man tore through the smoke with a smirk on his face, sniggering beneath his breath, pleased with Ezekiel’s pain and the discovery of his weakness.
“Ah. So the cube is you life source eh.” He said. “How very—“ he spawned a dagger in his hand. “INTERESTING!” he hurled it at the cube, piecing it.
Ezekiel shrieked with pain, squeezing his heart all the more tighter.
“But that!” he spewed. “Would be too easy! Not so!”
He glided in and landed before Ezekiel, gazing down upon him in disgust. “I am a man who favors the hard way.” He said, then connected his fist with Ezekiel’s jaw sending him sliding across the ice.
He delivered blow after blow weakening Ezekiel with every punch from what it seemed, ramming his enflamed fists into every part of his face. The man found it odd that Ezekiel did not bleed or bruise, that his bones did not crack under the mighty pounding of his fists. He would only let out a shriek on occasion, slipping from one edge of the cube to the other with every blow. The man would disappear in a puff of smoke and reappear in the flesh at the edge where Ezekiel slipped to, then beat him to the opposite side. When soon the man grew tired and put an end to his assault to catch his breath, as he glared down at Ezekiel.
“Done already?” Ezekiel whimpered, still holding his heart.
“You dare to mock me in your state!” he snapped, stepping back onto the ice.
“You have no idea do you.”
“What!” the man erupted. “Idea of what!”
“This” Ezekiel grinned.
He squeezed his heart tighter and let out a groan, then pulled from his chest a bright white orb. Holding it out before him as he lied, his eyes began to spark and he rose to his feet as if being pushed up by an invisible force. The man stood in awe gazing at the orb, as it began to glow brighter and brighter. Surfacing the veins on Ezekiel’s hand because of its power, slowly lifting him up. When suddenly the dark grey clouds above began to whirl, faster and faster with every revolution, sucking every snowflake into it. Soon its speed grew violent and the mountains began to quake, as if resisting the pulling force of it. They resisted long enough to remain, until the orb let out a final exertion of light and heaved the mighty whirl wind in with a single pull. Ezekiel found it hard to hold the orb now as it was so heavy, letting out steady groans he endured the pain, as for the first time in 6 months the sun had touched his skin and not a single snow flake was seen. The man was equally bewildered by the event, as he stood with his mouth opened wide gazing up at the sky.
“W-what have you done boy!” he cried. “This wasn’t supposed to happen!”
“This is what you have robbed us from!” Ezekiel said, with the last bit of his strength. “All this…t-t-time…”
He collapsed to the ice, listening to it crackle. As his eyes began to close, he pushed the orb back into his chest with all his might. Light, beautiful light, illumined his body, as his chest shot out and he rose, restored to his former strength. The mark on his chin once more began to glow as the light of his body waned.
He disappeared in a puff of vapor and appeared tightly holding the man’s shirt, and without a word a strong burst of vapor came from his feet and he shot through the open sky into space with the man. Ezekiel stole his breath as they blasted past many galaxies and finally into a barren wasteland of a planet, where Ezekiel plunged the man into. He gazed down upon him, knowing that it wouldn’t be long until he awoke. So without any hesitation he disappeared and reappeared back on earth next to Samara’s sister, then gave her a kiss and shot down to the surface. The snowflake on his chin was halved with red, as he felt a new power manifest within him.
“NOW!” he roared, glaring up at the sky.
Samara leaped out from the ice as Ezekiel merged with the earth and a beam of fire came blasting down on the cube. It quickly transfigured into a hand and the grey horse immediately galloped into its palm turning into a sphere of plutonium on contact.
“EZEKIEL!” Samara cried.
When at once the earth began to rumble beneath her feet, sending her staggering around, appearing weaker than before. A deep roar came from beneath the surface and the ground froze rock hard, when for the first time Samara felt a chill shoot up her spine. The ground rumbled more forcefully as the roaring grew louder, slowly sending thousands of little cracks through the ice.
The man awoke from his sleep and scurried to his feet, in terror of what had just happened. He hadn’t an idea where he was or how he had gotten there, all he remembered was seeing the orb of white light held by Ezekiel laying on the ice. He turned in every direction, as fear consumed his face, he wavered glancing around at his surroundings. He felt somewhat weak, but tried nonetheless to use his far sight in effort to locate earth. Though all he was able to locate was a blur of 6 peculiar objects rapidly shooting toward him. He staggered back.
He ran as fast as he could with widened eyes, but it was too late. The solar system he was in lit up and shook for a brief moment, then went back to its darkened silence. And the mark on his chin came to pass, full filled in but a moment after all he had done, after all he had cunningly devised.
Ezekiel emerged from the ground short of breath, and found Samara and her sister unconscious, lying next to each other a stone’s throw away. He quickly ran to them, still soaked and dripping with water, and held his hands over them sending out a warm wind that woke them.
“Samara!” he wailed.
“Ezekiel” She put her hand on his face.
He let out another warm force that helped them both to their feet, keeping them firmly upright as they were weak.
“Its alright Samara.” He said. “You can take it now.”
A weak smile formed beneath her drooping eyes as she leaned into kiss him, taking what she gave him back, every last bit of it. At once he felt mortal again and her eyes shot wide as her sisters wings swiftly spread out with its former power, and they both stood upright, each equipped with an eye color that could capture the soul of any mortal.
“You have given the Earth a second chance.” Samara said. “You. Ezekiel.”
He ran his fingers through his soaked hair, then glanced at her sister staring at him in silence. “How is it that you are one?” he asked. “When I kissed Samara before she entered the cube, pieces of her knowledge shot through my mind and almost consumed it. If I had known anymore than that I surely would have died.”
She kept silent and just gave a smile. “She does not speak Ezekiel.” Samara said. “She’s merely a secondary element, a small part of me, that I can fuse with at any given moment.”
“B-but how?” He stammered.
“Two elements are assigned to every angel at birth. One primary and one secondary.” She said. “Water as you know, is my primary element.”
Samara gazed at her sister. “We can call them whatever we want.” She smirked.
“They have many uses. I have saved your planet through one of them, for as you can see we share the same beauty. And mortal men of great greed, without question, love it.”
She fixed her vision back on Ezekiel. “I manipulated him through her and saved this world from yet another menace.” She said. “I’m sorry for the lies I told Ezekiel. I was afraid that if I had told you the entire truth my plan wouldn’t have worked.”
“You did what had to be done and I thank you for it.” He said.
Noticing the guilt dimming her face a smile ran across his. “I suppose you wouldn’t want to know what it felt like.”
“I suppose not.” She chuckled. “But I would like to know exactly how you finished him. I was knocked out and all I could remember feeling was the earth trembling beneath me and something tells me you didn’t pound him to a pulp.”
She fused with her sister then took his hand and for once, it was warm, leaving Ezekiel perplexed at the intertwining vapor and fire that glowed within her eyes. As they ascended into the sky he told her of all the events that took place after she was knocked out. Her smile slowly lessened as he spoke, until finally it disappeared.
“In all my existence I have never dreamt that a mortal would handle angelic power so wisely.” She said, as they parted with the planet. “I gave you the exact technique of how I would have defeated him and you rebelled and conjured up one far superior.”
“W-why thank you” Ezekiel blushed.
“You merged with the earth and gathered enough water to transform into an iced leviathan, then melted your six wrists against the six hands—“
“Why did you bring up here Samara?” he quickly interrupted, snapping her out of her daydream.
They stopped descending and she let go of his hand, then turned to face him. “I have something to ask of you Ezekiel.” She said.
He found himself wandering in her eyes again. “What?”
She gave a brief sigh and smiled, then closed her eyes. “Listen” She said. “I’m only going to ask once, and whatever you say in return will be final.”
“Anything” He placed his hand gently on the side of her face.
“Ezekiel” She whispered, opening her eyes. “That man’s satellite is not so far off from her, in fact, it’s just above us only you can’t see it because there’s a spell of stealth around it. Now. Will you accept all my power, if I gave it to you for a time of seven days?”
“Of course” He whimpered.
“Well. The satellite above us is connected to every television set and has the ability to over ride all channels with one.” She said. “Take my power now. And I’ll activate the satellite for you to make your statement, for you to declare that you are potent and coming for any evil that dares to exist.”
The thought of once more being a hero rung in Ezekiel’s mind and was somewhat overwhelming, but he swallowed it all and never hesitated before leaning in to kiss Samara passionately again.
“Wow, I almost forgot what that felt like” He said, pulling from Samara’s lush lips.
She giggled and gave him another peck on the cheek, before she ascended and unveiled the satellite above Ezekiel positioning himself before the camera.
Once done she gave him a wink and a quick count down of three seconds.
  





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Mon Aug 01, 2011 10:36 pm
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WaywardBird says...



Sorry! Had to hurry and could only read a quarter of it, but figure i might as well say something!
1. It's a bit direct. (id est, Ezekeil shouting "Don't go to the ice boy!" or something along those lines,) I would contract a thesaurus or a writing excirsize similar to the game 'Taboo'- in the excersize, you write a short passage where you're not allowed to use any nouns (accept when absolutely nessacary, and then you get penalty points like in golf,) and you have to use adjectives to describe what you're looking at.
2. I would add something more. I like the characters, from what i've read, but they need a bit more.
3. Also, you sort of wander on the focus of your characters. At first it was Ezekeil, then it was the waitress. This isn't nessasarily a problem, I just thought you should know.

BUUTTTTTT.....

It's well written, and well thought out. You just need a little practice- a little more flow- that's all. Keep it up!
Latina est TUMOROSUS senes ita sortem.
  





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Wed Aug 03, 2011 12:49 pm
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pettybage says...



Hi Abyss,
that's a big story you have there. It clocks almost 10 000 words - that's in the Novelette category. It's a little book. You should probably break it up into like 5 smaller chapters and post them in the 'novel-novella' section, and that way the chances of someone reading it bit by bit increases. Otherwise it's a frightening shocker, I'm not a mod or anything (or a ted, haha) but I'd suggest chopping it up along its natural faultiness and uploading it as a few chapters.

From the first bit, it become clear that you're not quite certain how to punctuate dialogues. I also had that problem a while back. The answer is real easy: Before 'she said/he said' (barked, shouted, answered, asked, whimpered, etc.) never a period. Only a comma or a question mark or exclamation mark, but never a period. Also, the 'she said/he said' starts normally, without a capital letter.

I may come back for a review on the story itself:)
  





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shadowraiki says...



Let me begin by saying that is a great piece of work. There were a few grammar points I noticed such as commas and your quotes, but nothing too major. I'll leave that to other people to point out. Instead I'll focus on the story. As the last two people have mentioned, it was quite long so I'll try my best to cover as much as possible. It is quite long so I put it into a spoiler.

Spoiler! :
"Can you say the same for that?" She pointed to a large object that towered over it's surrounds..

"The cube." Ezekiel whispered, rubbing his chin.

There are two issues here. The first is that you don't follow through with the first part by simply saying, 'she pointed'. While you do explain it in the next line, it is confusing for a reader who instantly wants to know what's going on. I gave an example of what you could have tried. The second issue is that you try to substitute the word said with others. For that, I applaud you, but choosing the right one can be difficult. Using 'whimpered', gives me the idea that Ezekiel is cowering away in fear, unsure if 'the cube' is the right thing to say. It simply doesn't match his character.

He still does, even now as he sits, drinking his coffee. It manifests in his mind clearly when he freezes and stares into space; a torture he dreads more than the pain of multiple bullet wounds.

There was a tense change here and I see what you were trying to do (also like the mentioning of 'freeze' a nice little foreshadow). However, it just doesn't fit. Something along the lines of, "And he could still feel it, even now as he sat and drank his coffee. It manifested in his mind cleary everytime he froze and stared into space..."

Looking forward she gasped for air as a child came storming through the patched, flapping doors , rammed into her, and knocked her over. The jar flung into the air and she closed he eyes as she hit the ground, holding her hands out as a reflex, in attempt to prevent herself from burning. With her eyes still closed, she felt a tingling in her figers, waiting to touch the glass or the hot liquid. A few moments had passed and yet she felt nothing, realizing her head was resting on a shoe. She opened her eyes and beheld Ezekiel holding the jay in one hand and the child in the other.

My main issue with this is not your usage of commas, but the fact that Ezekiel managed to get out of his seat, run over to the waitress, save her from hitting her head, stop his son, AND catch the jar. Although he was a former Special Forces member, it still feels a bit... unrealistic at this time since he doesn't have any special powers yet. Maybe just saving the waitress or catching the jar, but definitely not all the things you mentioned above. However this is up to you. You can add a little description saying that he acted instinctively and then talk a little about his army training.

Amy turned to him. "The angel in your dreams silly!"

I'm going to assume that Ezekiel tells his children about his dreams. But until that is clearly stated some how, I assumed that Amy (until Samara appeared) was possessed. Also, why did Amy disappear? You never explained that.

"It takes time emerging for beings without innocence"

I loved this line! It shows that humans are creatures prone to misbehavior. However, I think you might have meant something along the lines of 'beings that contain pure innocence' because everyone has a tiny shred of innocence, right?

Later when you describe how Ezekiel is fascinated with Samara, you do it so well that I have no choice but to think that she is truly a beautiful person. I rarely saw you using words to actively describe her. You also do well in giving her a divine voice. I could really imagine that voice that's like a half whisper, half thunder that floats around your ear.

This is also where you describe the plot regarding the cubes. However, as Ezekiel describes it best:
"None of this makes sense!"

I understand the general concept. A man seduces Samara and forces her to cause a blizzard disguising the six plutonium cubes, ya-da ya-da ya-da. But it feels weak because we don't know the motives for this, we don't know "the man" who is doing this, and we don't know why. Also, when you said cube and puzzle, I instantly thought of rubic's cube, just a funny thought. Eventually you mention the "a portion of the world's vanity". I have no idea what that means. Do you mean vanity as in arrogance? Or is there a meaning I am unaware of?

"He plans on draining the government of all the funds they have!" Ezekiel beamed, "But six large spheres of plutonium? Why so much?"

Again, I don't know why this is such a big deal. What do you mean drain the goverment of all their funds? What is the point? What do the spheres have to do with money/government. Will the clashing of angelic powers make the plutonium explode in an atomic reaction? Then the government has to clean it up and waste money?

"Quite the gentlemen eh?" She smiled, running her hand across his chest as she passed.

I love the way Samara toys with him! It makes me smirk at how this soldier has fallen head over heels for this woman.

"D-dpression" he stammered. "After I retired the depression kicked in."

This kind of makes sense. He enjoyed his time fighting and after he quit, he couldn't leave it all behind. Develop this a little more or remove it. Although you mention depression, from what I have read earlier, he is a cheery veteran who cares about his children. If this is simply from WHEN he was depressed, shouldn't it have been cleaned up by now?

"Like my nail polish?" She sniggered, noticing him staring at her feet.

Again with the taunting. But this felt wrong. Sniggered implied to me that she was laughing in a sinister way at him. Like, "hahaha, those feet will be ones that you never lick". Something like that. You're trying to show that she's messing with him and joking around. Feel free to use words you have already used before, you don't have to always change. But maybe jested (thought a little old fashion) or remarked sarcastically (though that doesn't really fit either). She joked would probably be the best fit.

"Turn that off please!" She yelled, under the heavy rumblings of the generator. "I'll provide us with light."

Although they are in a basement, if the generator was really that loud, they probably would have heard it the minute they stepped into the house. Heavy may be too strong of a word in this situation. Annoying might work better as it shows that, while the rumbling isn't obnoxiously loud, it represents something that you would want to shut down if possible.

Revealing a hefty amount of types of guns, grenades and ammunition neatly arrange in their molds. Along with a series of bullet scorned ballistic vests.

I'll ignore that fact that he has all this weaponry in his basement, even though he was a former Special Forces member. The fact is, you mention all of these weapons, but never use them in the end! Ezekiel ends up conjuring weapons from the ice powers. Did Samara enchant all of his guns to do that? Or are those weapons he made from his imagination? We'll never know unless you tell us.

A few days later he awoke, under the heavy noise of the cranky generator.

First, a suggestion would be to put some sort of break to show a time lapse. However, second is that you say a few days, when really Ezekiel has been asleep for almost an entire month. I know you're trying to hide this fact until later, but it would be better to just say, "He awoke later."

"Four weeks" He sighed. "Four weeks I've been asleep."

Four weeks!?! If I was asleep for four weeks, I would be panicking, shouting, and screaming. Try exclaimed, shouted, or even said in disbelief. And why does Ezekiel kick everyone out of the cafe? I don't understand what the relevance is. Ezekiel also shows his care for his children later by asking for Amy, but shouldn't that be one of the FIRST things he askes after finding out he has been in a coma/sleep for four weeks?

Ezekiel flung himself into the air and drew a collosal sword from the wind entirely compose of ice...

Ok, he has an entire arsonel of guns, but desides to use a sword? This is beyond me. I'm not trying to insult you or anything and I understand that a sword fits better with the image of a divine fight, but come on? He was holding a gun some odd five minutes ago! It may fit better later on. For example, he runs out of ammo, throws his guns, and then draws the sword from the air.

What's this!" he thundered. "A betrayal hmm?"

I wouldn't really consider it a betrayal, more like an opposer. He was never on the other person's side so he can't betray him.

"Having known my name why did you ask?" Ezekiel said, looking fierce.

Or said fiercely . Also, this line just seems so out of place. Some people may talk like that, but I have yet to meet them. It doesn't fit the modern scenario. Maybe something along the lines of: If you knew my name, then why did you ask?

Another part that I have to gripe about (sorry), is how easily Ezekiel can manipulate his powers when he just found out about them. While he does have experience in weaponry, he definitely doesn't have any in magic. Though I must admit, I loved the part where the imps came down for him and he created the four clones. The fight was extremely epic by my standards. Guns, explosions and more, what else could you ask for?

"But that!" he spewed. "Would be too easy! Not so!"

This strikes me as a cliche moment. I'm completely fine with this (it was quite interesting), though some people might have an issue with it. You probably know what I'm talking about, it's the moment when a bad guy could finish someone off, but never does. They instead talk and gloat and then do something stupid that allows the good guy to win.

The moment when Ezekiel takes the orb out of his chest is when confusion started to hit me hardest. I had practically no idea what was going on. He dispels the grey clouds and then some stuff happens, ok. Where did the orb come from (yes his chest, but how did it get there)? What exactly is the orb anyways? Just a glowing ball (AVGN reference)?

The man awoke from his sleep and scurried to hsi feet...

This is the man that Ezekiel was fighting right? Sorry, but this paragraph confused me. It seemed unneccessary. Maybe you can include it at the end as a little teaser and closure, but it seems to be interupting the flow of the battle. Also, the part where Ezekiel kisses Samara's sister, it seems to be too fast. He runs in, kisses her, then leaves. That's it? Wouldn't she fight back or anything?

Loved how his tatoo split into two though. That was quite creative. Then you reveal that Samara's sister and her were both the same being. You got me there, I never expected that and the idea that Angels are born with two powers. Very creative. It was a small plot twist that had me smiling.

The ending was lovy dovy. Fine by my standards. Though I would really like to know what happened next. Perhaps a second 'short story' in the future? or maybe just an epilouge.

Over all, here's what I thought (if you don't want to read the entire thing):
What you did good:
Great plot, many things that I didn't see coming
Characters: Ezekiel and Samara were so well done that I am a little jealous
Action was fantastic

What you could do better:
Usage of commas and what not. This is the biggest one.
Filling in some of the plot holes.
A little background story would be nice, but not entirely necessary seeing how long this already is.

Well, I hope you managed to read my review the same way I read your story ;). Don't take this too hard. I really liked it and I mean it.
If words are just letters put together, why do we decide on what they mean?

I step away from the grammar to review the story.

I don't do poetry.
  





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24 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1235
Reviews: 24
Sat Aug 06, 2011 9:32 am
Abyss says...



Wow...That really did help me a great deal, I really must thank you for it so, thank you! I did rush the story as being impatient is just a part of who I am, a part I must change of course if i ever want to write short stories that people want to read--a part that you made abundantly apparent lol.

I know my reply is short but just know that your review struck deep, and, I will work on all that you told me to work on.

thanks once again.

Abyss.
  








I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
— Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom