Young Writers Society

Ollie heard Adylyn giggle. "I've never been happier," she whispered; Ollie peered around the corner and saw her biting her lip. "Just as long as your brother doesn't find out." said a husky, slightly familiar voice. "We've been going out for a while now. When are you gonna tell him, anyway?"
"Don't you think he would be freaked out if I told him his new sister is dating someone?" Adylyn scoffed. "Besides. What does it matter to him anyway?"
She leaned in for a kiss. Ollie held his breath, braced himself, and fully looked around the wall. He saw a boy with long hair tilt his head to the left, blocking his face, and lean in for the kiss as well. Ollie's heart pounded as their lips met, and Adylyn grinned. The boy pulled back, grinning as well, and Ollie gasped as his heart came crashing down.
"Josh?"
His voice came out a choked, angry whisper. Josh looked up, startled, and scrambled to his feet. "Ollie, I swear, it's not what it looks like--"
"You're dating my sister?!" Ollie was furious.
"What made you think we were dating?"
"How long do you think he's been standing there?" Adylyn said in a huffy tone.
"You traitor!" Ollie growled.
"Traitor? What did I do?" Josh snarled back. "I can date your sister if I want to! You can't tell me I can't!" he cuffed Ollie.
"Why you--" Ollie lunged at him, knocking him off the small ledge and onto the sandy bar. They grappled, rolling around and around. "Ollie! Josh!" Adylyn shouted at them.
"She's my sister--!"
"Step-sister!"
"What makes you think you can date her?" Ollie pushed Josh, then swung a punch, hitting him squarely in the jaw.
"Who's you to say I can't?!" Josh pushed him off and kicked him in the gut. Ollie staggered back and went sprawling.
"You know what?!" he coughed, getting to his feet. "Do whatever you want. I just thought our friendship meant a little more then that." He spat on the ground and walked a way. Pausing by the cliff edge, he looked up at Adylyn. His face was contorted; with what emotion, Adylyn didn't know. He shook his head and continued to walk away.
Josh looked up at Adylyn, who looked back at him with forlorn eyes. "You should--" she began.
"I got this." Josh nodded, and jogged after Ollie.

"Hey." Josh whipped Ollie around, and Ollie swung another punch, this time getting Josh in the nose. It was Josh's turn to stagger, his nose spurting blood. "What is your problem?" Josh shouted, pinching his nose to try and stem the flow.
Ollie sank to a sitting position. "It's just, I've never had anyone to take care of." he said quietly. "And Uncle Rios, man, he wants me to take care of Adylyn. And I'm happy to do it. Having a sister, someone to care for that you know you wouldn't trade the world for, it feels great. I just, don't want her making the wrong mistakes, y'know?"
"But you know me, bro." Josh said, taking a seat beside him. "You can trust me. I'm never going to do anything to her. I swear I'll protect her with my own life."
"I know that. It's just-"
"Her you don't trust?" Josh finished Ollie's sentence for him.
"Yeah. But, like you said, I trust you man. Sorry I blew up like that earlier. I just never thought the two of you..you know?"
"I know right? It just sorta happened."
"So how long have you two been dating, anyway?" Ollie asked, nudging him with a knee.
"A month."
"A month?" Ollie stared dumbstruck at Josh. Josh refused to meet his gaze, instead staring up and twiddling his thumbs. "And I'm just now finding out about it? How did you guys keep it a secret this long?"
"It wasn't that hard, actually." Josh told him. "We met in secret, mostly when we knew you would be skipping school."
"Brilliant. Just brilliant. Anyway, I'm happy for you guys. But next time, just tell me. Don't make me catch y'all in the act." Josh looked at him. Ollie was grinning. "I'm just playing. But seriously, next time you practically eat my sis-- step-sister's face, let me know." Ollie said, patting Josh and the shoulders and jumping to his feet. Josh laughed, getting to his feet as well. They began to walk back to the sand bar.
Adylyn met them, looking from one to the other. Without a word, Ollie motioned to her, and drew her into a hug. "Way to go. Just keep him in line for me, will ya?" Ollie chuckled.
Josh put his arm around Adylyn's shoulders. "Hey man. She's got me bending to her every whim."
Ollie shot him a warning look. "I meant shopping-wise." Josh said, returning a meaningful look. Ollie shrugged as if to say: "I never know what you mean."
Adylyn laughed. "Hey bro, you wanna take us for a ride?" she asked, nudging Ollie and putting her arm around his shoulders.
"I'd be happy to give a lovely couple a riding tour."

"I've never been happier." she whispered. [The period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma, since the speech tag, 'she whispered,' isn't capitalized, and thus part of the sentence. There are a few instances of this.]

said a slightly familiar husky voice. [Consider revising to something like this: 'said a husky, slightly familiar, voice.']

and lean in for the kiss also as well.

he coughed up blood, getting to his feet. [I don't think a simple kick to the gut would make him cough up blood.]

Interesting. I've obviously jumped into the middle of a story here, so 'm a bit disoriented, but overall it seems like a good chapter. St first I was taken aback by the fact that Ollie and Josh made up so quickly, but it shows how strong their friendship is. I liked it. Keep up the good work, and if you have any questions, let me know.

I thought I did delete that also? And thanks!

This is definitely a well-constructed scene. The dialogue has a quick enough pace as well as enough descriptive elements to let the reader know a little about each character. There is one part, however, when your subjects get somewhat confusing:

Ollie held his breath, braced himself, and fully looked around the wall. He saw a boy with long hair tilt his head to the left, blocking his face, and lean in for the kiss as well. Ollie's heart pounded as their lips met, and Adylyn grinned. The boy pulled back, grinning as well, and Ollie gasped as his heart came crashing down.

I had to reread this sentence over and over because I could not determine the difference between the boy and Ollie. My only suggestion would be to make that clearer.

Other than that, this is some fantastic writing!

Hey there!

Just a few nitpicks.

Ollie heard Adylyn giggle, "I've never been happier," she whispered;

Ollie peeked peered would be a better word around the corner and saw her biting her lip, "Just as long as your brother doesn't find out." said a husky, slightly familiar voice,"We've been going out for a while now.

"Besides, What does it matter to him anyway?"

Overall this is pretty good, you just need to check through it all! I'd love to see more from your novel as it sounds really interesting!

Interesting piece though in the beginning i was confused about the characters, i had to re-read that path to get the picture clear. Overall it is a lovely story, but do good to make the plot clearer.

I don't want to run in and pick this a art with all the grammatic errors and stuff, because there were a few. But I think previous reviewers caught almost every single of them so; Here's to my overall opinion on this piece! I like the beginning, how he hears something and see's something he obviously must never have expected and rages over it - I mean it must be kind of wierd witnessing something like that. I was confused though, at how easily he got over it and joked about it only moments afterwards - I feel like there should still be some tension left at least.. Overall, this was okay though and I'll give you a good 4 out of 5 amount of icy spiders

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Though everyone has said it already, I'll say it again: just watch the commas.

I thought it was great that Adylyn was Ollie's step-sister. From the first section, I thought it was a simple, "You dating my girl friend" type of thing. While the piece of great, I feel like the rate at which they fight and then make up is too fast. Also, the emotions change rapidly. Josh goes from being a, "I can do what ever I want cause I'm an arrogant prick" to a best friend. While Ollie remains the same, I think you need to soften Josh's tone a little. Either that or make Ollie hit Josh first.

I actually liked this piece a lot. Everyone else seems to have pointed out the errors and rough spots so I don't have anything to say there. Overall it was just a pretty neat piece

Hello!

So... I guess the first thing that sort of stuck out to me was the point of view in the beginning. Maybe I'm just really tired, but the point of view in the opening scene was just a little bit shaky to me. As I read back through another time, I finally got settled in to the opening scene of the story. Maybe you could have made this a little more descriptive in telling where each of your characters are exactly in this scene? It's just a thought though. It wasn't really a big issue in the story, just a suggestion I think might help re-enforce the beginning of your story.

From what I gathered, Ollie and Josh are best friends and the girl in the story is Ollie's new stepsister. It seems a little weird that this Ollie would be so overprotective over a sister that was so new to him. I mean, I have a brother, and he doesn't act like this necessarily with me. I understood that Ollie was new to being a brother, and that he would be upset for his best friend kissing his new sister without telling him they were going out, but why would he have followed them and been creeping around the corner? I wish you would've given some kind of reason for his protectiveness and his suspicions.

Another thing that I wanted to point out was the way the moods changed so abruptly in this story. When Josh goes running after Ollie, Ollie punches his nose really hard causing him to bleed. This right here shows intense anger and frustration. Which I guess makes sense, but then you suddenly have him switching moods into an apology and he starts divulging his worries right then and there. Then it seems like Josh is completely understanding despite his best friend just socking him in the nose. It was a very bipolar transition of emotions.

To fix this, I don't think you should have had Josh and Ollie become so buddy buddy and happy with this once hostile situation between the two and the stepsister. There should still be some natural feeling of unsureness in Ollie about his best friend going behind his back. He should probably not even be as smothering over his sister as you made him seem. He should be just a little more natural seeming with his emotions overall. No need to take the make-up to an extreme. Otherwise it takes away from the emotion. D: You don't want that.

I guess that was my only major issue with the story overall though. I think the setting came off nice and secluded, which was perfect or an almost intense scene like this one you've painted. Nice work, but I do think it could use some brushing up. It's an excellent start for a first draft, and I'd really like to see you morph it into a more realistic portrayal of overprotectiveness.

-Smylin'

Really enjoyed it!! Love soppy love stories like this!! But I'm not sure the boys would have made up so quickly... I have guy friends and trust me they hold grudges but I get it, they are best friends, just maybe try and rivise it a bit.

Keep writing
Love,
EvensLily xxxxxx

Hey there!
Should this really be in action...?

Ollie heard Adylyn giggle. "I've never been happier," she whispered; Ollie peered around the corner and saw her biting her lip. "Just as long as your brother doesn't find out." said a husky, slightly familiar voice. "We've been going out for a while now. When are you gonna tell him, anyway?"
"Don't you think he would be freaked out if I told him his new sister is dating someone?" Adylyn scoffed. "Besides. What does it matter to him anyway?"
She leaned in for a kiss. Ollie held his breath, braced himself, and fullylooked around the wall. He saw a boy with long hair tilt his head to the left, blocking his face, and lean in for the kiss as well. Ollie's heart pounded as their lips met, and Adylyn grinned. The boy pulled back, grinning as well, and Ollie gasped as his heart came crashing down.

Here I got confused as to who was who. You need to clear this up so we can know who's doing/saying what, because I read the other reviews and think everyone agrees. Also, I think 'fully looked' is a bit awkward.

"You're dating my sister?!" Ollie was furious.

Ollie was furious is a telling sentence. If you must, make him do something that shows he's angry, although we can pretty much tell from the rest of the story that he's angry.

"I can date your sister if I want to! You can't tell me I can't!" he cuffed Ollie.

Well that's a little violent of Josh. o.O

"Who's you to say I can't?!"

After this, you switched the point of view, which really weakened your piece. You started out in Ollie's point of view but then switched to Adylyn and what she was thinking. You should stick with one character's POV.

"I know that. It's just......."

Don't use ellipses in a story.

"Yeah. But, like you said, I trust you man. Sorry I blew up like that earlier. I just never thought the two of you........"

Again about the ellipses.

Ollie said, patting Josh and onthe shoulders and jumping to his feet.

Alriight. The names threw me off. Adylyn and Ollie sound like pretty unusual names, so at first I thought it was in some sort of fantasy setting, but then 'Josh' is a pretty ordinary name and from the way Ollie and Josh talked to each other, it made me sound like it was modern-day, so I was pretty thrown there. Also, the ending was too happy for me. Why did Ollie get *so* angry only to calm down so quickly? I think it would've been better if Adylyn and Josh's relationship totally wrecked Ollie and Josh's friendship. *evil grin*
I liked your dialogue, (even though I was thrown), it was pretty realistic. Nice job!!

Interesting. I like how the boys are really close friends that after a little blow up the bond again very quickly. Reminds me of my arguments with my older sister (which seem to last 5 minutes) Nice story!

Deanie x