Young Writers Society

[This is the intro to my newest story idea. I just wanted to post it up and see what everyone thought of it. If it's generally liked, then I'll post up the progress of the story as it goes along, assuming I have the creative vein to do so. Thank you for any and all comments.]


The moon was mesmerizing that night.
A magnificent orb of white gold, it had punched a hole clean through the thick veil of night; a nothingness surrounding everything. The silver reflection slithered across the dark waters of the River, and crowned the droplets of dew that glistened upon the soft leaves. These were shaken off in turn by the deep rumbling of the tree canopy against the harsh midnight gale, which threatened at moments to overturn any structure daring to face against its strength.
Threaded shadows lingered for seconds by the riverbank. An aura of loneliness lingered beneath the thicket of crumpled vines and weeds, before a violent flash smoked out the despair, replacing it with a sense of dynamism.
Dim gas slithered through the air, curling, twisting. A similarly dim character was disappearing into the night behind it, ragged cloths snaking from its shoulders and a thick strap of cotton on its face smothered everything but its dark, yet precocious green eyes. And so it ran.
The storm was beginning to rage in earnest now. Rolling globules of moisture pounded the stranger’s back, coating it with a thick layer of damp. It was difficult running against the wind, but not an unfamiliar task – in this part of the world, rainfall was a common occurrence, if not one of Mother Nature’s incurable habits. Storm clouds, thick and unyielding, gathered overhead, black as the fearful cover of night and heavy with the ocean’s tears.
Further ahead there was a village, inhabited by small families that had known each other for generations upon generations. Seldom had anyone arrived at – or left – the village, so the population remained steady except for the inevitable visits of the underworld or the stork.

First off, the descriptions are lovely. They're very clear, but not tired or cliche. In particular, I'm in love with this phrase:
"it had punched a hole clean through the thick veil of night"

So as far as painting a picture, you did really well for the most part. I love the sounds and images you generate, like the phrase I quoted above. However, it does get really abstract sometimes. For example, this line, "before a violent flash smoked out the despair, replacing it with a sense of dynamism." is hard to comprehend. "Dynamism" is such an abstract term, that I just don't know what to imagine, or what you're trying to portray, when you use it. And again, with "but its dark, yet precocious green eyes", I can imagine dark green eyes very well, but I can't quite see how they would look precocious. I think you should use more concrete descriptions, rather than using adjectives that describe emotion. Because when you did use physical description, you did it really well, and that means the abstract descriptions stick out even more for me.

Also, I feel like you abandoned plot for imagery a little bit. I know I do that a lot in my writing, so I'm always on the look-out for it, to see how I could fix it for myself. The piece, for me, is a really good descriptive one, but doesn't entice me to read more. I think you could probably fix that by lessening the description sometimes. Focus more on the person's thoughts, maybe, or give more of a background on the location.

All that being said, the writing is beautiful, and I'd like to see how you write a full-length story in this style.

Hey there! Thanks for all your kindness about the poems I've posted lately. Here I am to return the favor.

A magnificent orb of white gold, it had punched a hole clean through the thick veil of night;

First of all, start there. This is more original language than "mesmerizing", and gives us an actual image right away.

Then, what do you think of changing this:

Dim gas slithered through the air, curling, twisting. A similarly dim character was disappearing into the night behind it, ragged cloths snaking from its shoulders and a thick strap of cotton on its face smothered everything but its dark, yet precocious green eyes. And so it ran.

into this:

Dim gas slithered through the air, curling along the river, twisting between leaves that reflected the silver in the sky. A similarly dim character was running into the night behind it, ragged... everything but its dark, precocious green eyes.

And cutting out everything between the mention of the moon and that. The description of the place is long. It's maybe beautiful, but it's not as interesting. Introduce us to a person right away. Show us the mystery so that we have a REASON to keep reading: we want to find out what this person is doing. You can cut down on the setting description by slipping it in as I have done (or more gracefully).

After that, you've lost me again. The figure is the only thing I'm interested in. I'd be interested in seeing a sight of the village if you told me the figure was running toward or away from it, thus making it relevant to my interests. The paragraph about the storm can be cut way down, slipped in again, because setting is NICE but I do not have the attention to focus on it.

Here's something I've learned. We all generally have this problem with starting a piece rockily. We're getting into the tone, the mood, the idea of what we want to write, but after all is said and done, the REAL beginning to the piece is hiding somewhere further on. You might keep writing and find a better beginning than this. This gives us nothing but a figure. We don't know why we'd want to be interested in more pieces because we have no idea what's going to happen. Do you see what I'm saying? : )

And I'm not saying your writing is incompetent, because it's not. I'm just saying: KEEP WRITING. Get past the introduction and find some MEAT for this story. Then I'll want to eat it. ;D

Let me know if you have any questions.

Hannah

Thank you for all the comments.

I understand what you mean about the description - I will cut it down slightly, so I have some for later perhaps, but I've written more now, and it's more to do with the story itself. I'm trying to go for a bit of a Jhumpa Lahiri approach, and tell the story more than using dialogue, although I'm a sucker for that and I know I'll end up making it like a script.
Thank you for all the suggestions, I appreciate every word

wow. that's all i can muster for you, mamallama. This is the best story i have ever read!!!!!! great job. I love the descriptive words and the metaphors and similes. this is such a great short story. i can't find words to tell you how much i loved the descriptions!!!!!!!!!!!

Great job and KEEP WRITING!!!!!


-Kat

Hey there!

You have an amazing grasp on vocabulary and imagery. I've been most impressed with how you described pictures. Very awesome, and much kudos to you! It's an area that usually takes me lots of editing and thinking before I make it sound like this.

It's a very cool beginning to your piece! I've yet to read the other parts, but at the moment, I'll have to admit one thing: So far, the imagery seemed a little distracting from what was going on. There could be a number of reasons for this though! One of them being it's a small part of your story, so we barely got into the rest. I'm not sure what fraction of your story this is, but if it's a small part, then it's probably nothing to worry about.

However, I read this a few times. I even came back and read it later, but I still found myself zoning out or becoming uninterested. All because I wasn't getting much plot, so I was bored. Things got interesting when we talked about the shadowy figure and the village at the end. Since I know you mentioned trimming down the description already, I want to also suggest maybe more characterization to replace it. Describe his actions or intentions, background story or clues as to what's happening, etc. Even taking out description, it needs a little more meat to it!

Now, that aside, the last sentence is very intriguing!

Seldom had anyone arrived at – or left – the village, so the population remained steady except for the inevitable visits of the underworld or the stork.

Underworld and stork? O: The stork must mean babies, but I wonder what the Underworld means. Unless it's a reference to death. That's probably it. xD It sounded cool at first though. Still, whatever the meaning of it is, I approve of that phrasing. Awesomesauce.

Anyhoot, off to your next part!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Goosh! You've got some true gifts when it comes to imagery and descriptions. This intro is just so vivid! Nice, nice job! All though, it's not very intruging, I mean you have beautiful descriptions of your surroundings but you say little about what's actually happening and the ending wasn't like.. "WHoaaaa, gimmi more!!!" I still feel like you're a talanted writer and I want to see what you've got coming so I'll keep reading!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness