Young Writers Society

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Hi newbie

I'll try to give you a decent review but, I write these things the same way I'd say the words. If that makes things confusing... (Sorry in advance. I'll keep it to a minimum)

You've got an interesting enough idea, which is a decent start. Things you must keep in mind the entire duration of this story: meticulous planning and originality. Now, I don't often write short stories because I find them constricting, but I can say that these elements are crucial for any piece of writing. Especially with short stories, everything you wish to put in the story and the order and placement of introduction should be decided beforehand. It sounds as if this was...putting it simply, written all in one chunk. Which is rather impressive, though I would recommend serious editing. And for originality; be careful as to which side this story falls on. You're treading dangerously into cliche. I have a pretty solid idea of where this story is going already from reading only this bit. Surprise me. What makes your story using this idea different from all the others and worth reading?

Onto things that will improve your writing technique as a whole.

You have introduced the idea that points of view will change but so far, only Margo has been our eyes. Tip: if you're not changing the PoV between chapters, there is no need to remind us who's PoV it currently is.

The piece as a whole appears...jumpy and...well...rather like a rowboat in the middle of the ocean during a storm. It's choppy and has minimal flow. Looking at the following bits could help with that.

Repetition, there's a lot of it. It's something to avoid like the plague unless it is for a very specific purpose. In this piece, it's obvious it isn't. This makes your writing appear sloppy.
Ex:

“Alright, I’m all packed.” I looked at Kim and smiled. Kim smiled back, but then looked down.

It could be rewritten something like:
"Alright, I'm all packed." I smiled at Kim. She returned it but looked down.
One of a hundred other ways to do it. I would recommend looking into this!

Now, grammar. Ugh...
One thing that never fails to bug a writer is bad grammar. Please, PLEASE, stop doing this:

“Please, Margo. Be careful.” She said looking straight into my eyes.

It should be:
"Please Margo, be careful," she said, looking straight into my eyes.
Do not underestimate the use of the humble comma! If you're not sure where to use one, read the sentence aloud as you want it said. Put commas in for breaths, periods in for full stops (which, by the way, do not come between a speaking part and a 'he/she said'), and the underused semicolon for longer pauses.

I hope this helped some. It would do wonders for your writing to print a copy of this off and (I am not kidding you) take a red pen and circling every grammatical error, spelling mistake and crossing through every line you think is brilliant. Rewriting and editing is a huge part of the writing process and will help you on your way to being an amazing author! ^_^

~Blood

(PS: If you ask, I'll review anything else. ^_^ )