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Time to wake up Buttercup



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Sun Jul 10, 2011 9:50 am
Metalmauzen says...



“Time to wake up buttercup. The anaesthetic should have long worn off already” I opened my eyes, but immediately squeezed them together again. The light was too bright. With my eyes closed I smelled the stench in the air, like something had been rotting here for weeks, together with the sweet smell of a burned stack of paper. The smell made me sick for a couple of seconds, but then I became aware of the small sounds. Little echoes, something dripping in the distance. I also heard someone walking behind me. “Where am I?” I asked. I noticed my throat was sore, as if I had woken up from a wild party. “Do you like what I’ve done with the place?” A somewhat happy voice from behind me asked. I coughed with my mouth closed, it was really dry. My neck was stiff and I couldn’t move. I slowly opened my eyes to see what it was preventing me from moving. My feet and my hands were tied separately to the chair I was sitting on, as was my waist. A cord around my forehead was tied to the long back of the chair I was sitting on. It had to be a dining chair. Very strange for someone to tie someone else up this way, but it was effective. Beside wiggling, I was completely prevented from moving.

It was a bright place, white floor, white walls. The walls were paved with small white tiles, at least there should’ve been a time when they were white. The tiles were stained with brown and black spots as if no one had cleaned them for years. It made me think of an abattoir or something like that. But this abattoir was somewhat furnished. I could see an old and torn couch, a TV and a mattress. Judging by the dirty, yellow-like colour it had, it wasn’t very new and clean either. The room had no windows and I couldn’t spot a door either. Needless to say, I didn’t feel very comfortable.

I coughed again, “Where am I?” I asked the stranger behind me, a little more agitated. He was still moving around, I could hear it. He didn’t seem to be doing anything, he was just walking around the place, but he suddenly stopped right behind me. I could hear and feel his breathing slowly building up and suddenly he whispered into my ear: “Do?....you?....like what I’ve done with the place?” Now it was something else that made me unable to move. It was his voice and the sound his mouth made when he grinned. As he grinned I could hear his saliva escaping from the narrowing space between his cheek and teeth. It was a horrible sound. I wanted to move my head away from the sound, but the cord around my forehead didn’t let me. His voice was a mix between a young girl and a grumpy old man. It was high-pitched, but it sounded really growling at the same time. He didn’t sound angry or grumpy though. He sounded like he was enjoying himself. Slightly nervous perhaps.
“I decorated it myself. You like it?” His voice sounded a little further away now.
I didn’t answer.
“It’s not finished yet, but I like it already. It’s funny how placing a few things lightens the place up instantly.”
“Where am I?” I asked with a dry voice.
“You’re being rude again” He answered with a warning yet playful voice.
“You’re the one that tied me up to a chair, and you don’t show yourself.”
“All in time.”
“Do I know you?”
“Silly little you. Of course you know me! We are pretty close actually. As close as life and death I suppose you could say. See? They are very closely connected yet they are so different.”
“I need water.”
“Again you’re going off-topic.”
“…Why am I here?” I coughed again because I tried to raise my voice.
“Bingo! That was the right question! You can take your prize on your way out.”
“Then answer it!”
“Calm down, calm down, no reason to shout. You’re here to join me on a little trip through time. First we’re going to see the past and later on we’re going to see the future. Isn’t it exciting?” His voice sounded sincerely excited.
“Listen, if this some kind of a joke I’ve had enough, untie me right now.”
“A JOKE!?” He laughed with a growling sound but again high pitched at the same time and then he continued: “No, no my friend. I’m being dead serious. I know you’re a little burned up right now, but believe me you’re not nearly as burned up as I am, so just try to play along and maybe you’ll enjoy it too.” Without actual thinking I responded: “Fine.” And quickly added to that : “But I need some water.”
“And you’ll get some.”

I heard him walking away from me, and that’s when I noticed that the sound his walk made wasn’t really normal. First of all it sounded like he was bare-footed, not only that but it seemed that he was limping as well. I heard him grabbing a glass and filling it with water. He limped back to me, but again stopped behind me, and said : “Now, I got a vase for you because, well, your hands are tied. Don’t worry it’s a clean vase. I’ll put it between your legs so you can hold it that way.” “How am I supposed to..” “…I wasn’t finished talking. There’s a straw in it as well, it’s long enough to reach your mouth. I’ll put the straw in your mouth. If you try to bite me or something like that, it will be the last water you’ll ever see. Is that clear?” “Ok.” I saw his hand, but he was wearing gloves. They were black and seemed to be made of silk. He put the rather large vase between my legs, and the straw in my mouth. Immediately I started sucking. The water was surprisingly good. I never knew there could be differences in taste of water. “You like it?” “I didn’t answer because I was eagerly drinking. “I’ll take that as a yes. While your drinking I’ll explain the rules of our little game. I’ll ask you questions, and every time you answer it right I’ll turn your chair so that you can see more of this room. Every time I turn the chair there will be a surprise waiting for you. However, every time you don’t answer correctly you will be punished. Is that clear?” I stopped drinking because I suddenly had to draw breath. “Yes” I said. My voice felt like it was before I got into this situation. “Need something else before we start our little journey?” The voice asked again. “Could you refill the vase again please?” “If you answer the warming-up question correctly I will.” “I suddenly felt a chill going down my spine, intuition you could say. Like I suddenly realised this game was going to have a lot of bad consequences if I wasn’t careful. I nodded. “We’ll start off easy: Am I going to fill this vase again for you?” His voice suddenly went grim. This is clearly a test, he wants to see if I trust him. If I answer yes he’ll think I trust him. If it isn’t correct he will not refill it. If I answer no I might step on his toes. But if it’s correct I’ll get my water. Why is this water suddenly so important for me? Maybe he is just measuring me. He clearly worked this out way before he brought me here. If I answer incorrectly he might take away the vase, and maybe play some kind of strip poker here. If I answer correctly he will refill the vase. I must not let him know he is dealing with someone stupid here. I opened my mouth and said : “If I answer correctly you will”. For a moment I didn’t hear a sound. The voice didn’t move and didn’t speak. After some moments more –that felt like minutes- he said: “That is a correct answer.” He tried to suppress the surprised tone in his voice, but still I could hear he was surprised. I saw the black glove taking the vase and leave with it from my line of sight. I have no idea why the sound of the water filling the vase was such a big relief for me. He acted slowly, took his time. Him being calm made me really nervous. I don’t have a clue where this game is going and I’m not sure if I want to find out.
He walked up to me again and put the vase between my legs exactly like he did before. The straw pointed away from me so he turned it so that I could drink from it again. “Thank you” I said. Why was I thanking my kidnapper? I wanted to save my water because I had a feeling it would be of big importance for me in the near future, so I didn’t drink.

“The pieces are set, let our little game begin! We’re starting with the past. Remember, every good answer will be rewarded and every wrong answer…well, you will be punished if you don’t answer correctly.” He made it sound really simple and light. I knew better. I caught myself thinking about whether if I was prepared or not. Of course I wasn’t. How could I be? I didn’t even know what was going to happen, but it seems I had no choice but to make the best of it.

I’m kind of seasoned in these situations, the unexpected always happens at my job. But at my job I’m always prepared for the unexpected. I work at the fire brigade see. I’ve been in countless life-threatening situations in the past 9 years. I was 23 when I started, and this is my ninth year. I love my job. If it wasn’t for the fire brigade I never would’ve met my wife. We got married three years ago. I love her to death. Suddenly, like I snapped from some kind of trance I realised I had been kidnapped. Of course I thought of it before, but just now I started to think of home, my freedom, my wife Sophie… How long have I been here? Hours? Days? Weeks? Oh God I’m panicking. What is the last thing I remember?

I came home from work. It had been a busy day. I was a little late even though I didn’t take a shower at the station. Sophie wasn’t home, she said something about going into town the day before. Looking at that day now I am glad she wasn’t home. Who knows what might have happened to her if she was? I remember walking to the fridge, I grabbed the milk and drank from the carton. Sophie would’ve gotten mad at me if she was here. I love it when she gets mad, at least in the not-really-mad kind of way. I like to tease her, and I do it a lot. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m teasing her, but still it feels great when I do. It is one of those games couples play I guess. She gives me the surprised look when she gets mad. Like someone who tells a hard learning puppy to sit down for the millionth time. I love it when her big dark green eyes grow even bigger when she raises her eyebrows. I would just smile –or laugh- at her, which isn’t helping of course. Most of the time she would turn around and walk away, that’s probably when she has decided that what she tries to achieve isn’t working. It is also when I decide I have to comfort her, so I chase her, grab her from behind en kiss her on her cheek, at least I would try. She always turns her head when I try that, and then after a small struggle and a laugh we kiss. I have never loved someone as much as I love Sophie, and I don’t think there is anyone else on this earth who could give me more.
I remember putting the milk back in the fridge, and walking up the stairs. I threw a quick look at the photos on the wall next to the stairs, I always do. Photos from parties, photos taken on vacation, you know the kind. I took a shower, and went downstairs again. The door rang so I opened it. The only thing I saw was the cap the man was wearing before the man’s fist hit me on my jaw and knocked me out…
“here is your first real question”
Oh God it’s beginning.
“the past”
Expect and be prepared for the unexpected.
“I’m your friend and your enemy. I’m a killer yet I purify. My touch is your pain. What am I?”
I thought about it for a couple of seconds but I was pretty sure what the answer was. Of course I needed to be careful but it was so obvious. This game turned out to be easier than I expected.
“you’re death” I answered
He didn’t say anything…stayed silent…started moving again…away from me…. He sighed while he grabbed something. It made the sound of sandpaper scratching a concrete surface, but the sound was really short, not even a second. He must have lifted something from the ground. He limped towards me again. I heard a sound as if a lit was removed from something.
“tsk tsk tsk… You my friend came up with a good answer, but I recommend you come up with a better answer next time.”
Immediately my heart started beating really fast. I felt it in my throat, next in my left temple. Something bad was going to happen to me. My legs felt like they wanted to move, all they wanted was to move. They started to tremble. Not up and down, but left and right. I became aware of the dripping sound in the distance, it sounded like a clock slowly ticking. I began breathing heavier. My legs started to shake. Still from left to right. A drop of sweat rolled over the side of my head. The black and brown spots on the white tiles started to take shapes of faces. Laughing, crying, frowning faces. They looked directly at me. Like two knives a smell filled my nostrils. I knew this smell. I knew it came from the container he was holding. I knew I answered wrong. It was gasoline.
He was already pouring it on the floor directly beneath the wooden chair I was sitting on. I felt my naked feet getting wet. I wanted to lift them but I was so tightly tied to the chair it was no use.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME!” I shouted with a small trace of a cry.
“Relax. You’re still safe. Consider this your first joker, you just burned it.”
“GET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR!”
“Just keep still and think about your next answer. Believe it or not I really want you to give me the correct answers.”
“HELP!” Now it was more crying than shouting. “HELP!”
“It’s no use, no one will hear you. As you might have noticed we are completely sealed inside this building. Even if someone hears you there is no way they come in here.”
“What do you want from me!?” My fear changed to anger.
“Just answer the questions right and your questions will be answered.” He put his hand on my shoulder, and continued: “You are the only one who can save you. Calm down and think about the question. Just in case you forgot, the question was: I’m your friend and your enemy. I’m a killer yet I purify. My touch is your pain.” He paused and his grip tightened on my shoulder, but in the way you would grab someone’s shoulder if you haven’t seen him for a long time. It felt almost… friendly. “Now, who or what am I?”
I realized there was a very big chance I would never see Sophie again, that I would never have those silly fights with her again, would never be looked at with those big, dark green eyes. Tears crept up to my eyes and my nose started to ache a little. I looked around for help, maybe clues of some sort. My eyes stopped when I saw the vase between my legs. I was surprised I hadn’t broken it yet. It was red. Red, the colour of love, the colour of hate, the first colour of our flag. A big part of my life was red. Our bedroom was pretty much all red. Sophie said it would make the room look much warmer. Red was also the colour of… “Fire!” I yelled. “Fire is my friend because I am a fireman, it is my enemy because I don’t want me or someone else get hurt by it. It kills people but also purifies and when it would touch me I’d get burned!” I caught myself almost smiling and if my hands were free I would have smacked myself in the face. I did not wait for his response. “Now untie me man. I’ve answered your question. No one has to know about this. C’monn man I have a wife at home waiting for me…” I stopped because I was moving. He was turning the chair and it took him a lot of effort to do so. This wasn’t one of those chairs on wheels which you could spin around. This was a wooden dining chair and it struggled when he wanted to move it. The dirty old mattress was moving out of the picture and the TV moved from the left side all the way to the right where I could just barely see it if I wanted to. A new wall came into the picture. It was as dirty as the previous one, perhaps even dirtier. There was nothing to see but a small table. On the table stood a photo frame. It was a little too far to see who the persons on the photo were. The only thing I could make out of it were three smiling faces. I could feel the both of us were looking at the picture. He broke the long silence. “The past…” he sighed. “You have any idea who those persons could be?”
“I can hardly see there are three persons on it”
He took a step forward. A black figure came in the corner of my sight. He stopped and stepped back. He almost showed himself to me. He blindfolded me. “Not yet.” He said. For a moment my eyes could rest. I had some protection from the bright light and the strong vapour that was coming of the gasoline on the ground. But it was only for a brief moment. He took the piece of cloth from my head and threw the photo frame in my lap, like it meant nothing to him.

It was a typical family photo. Probably taken on a holiday or a day out. I saw a man, a woman, and a little girl, probably ten-years old maybe eleven-years old. Their faces filled the whole photo. The three of them were really happy. The smiles gave that secret away. The man had dark eyes and short, dark hair. From the look of his facial lines he was at least four years older than me. The woman was around the same age. She was wearing glasses, which to me was a shame. She had bright blue eyes and those glasses took a little of that brightness away. I didn’t necessarily found her attractive but I could see someone else would. Her face was slightly covered with locks of hair which the wind blew over her face.

“Any idea?” My kidnapper barked.
“I’ve never seen these people before.”
“That was my family you ignorant bastard!” A steel pipe flew into my sight and hit my left knee with terrible force. I felt my knee shattered. I screamed so hard my face went red and the muscles in my neck felt like they grew two inches. I screamed as long as my lungs had air. Tears rolled down my cheeks where they joined with drops of sweat. I gasped for air and fired another bone piercing scream. “If I’d dig them up would you recognise them then!?” The steel pipe hit my right knee. I screamed yet harder then I did before. I gasped for air and felt I had to puke. I moaned, gasped and swallowed at the same time. My fingernails dug into the arms of the chair. My facial muscles cramped so hard I couldn’t see, even if I opened my eyes. “I will make you remember these faces one way or the other! It is all that’s left of them!” I could hear him scream, but it sounded really far away. He stepped in front of me and grabbed my head by my cheeks. He squeezed really hard. I opened my eyes to look at him but everything was blurred. He was just a big, black, vague spot, I could see him screaming at me. I could feel the drops of saliva hitting my face, but everything seemed to happen in slow motion. All that was still very real was the pain racing through my legs, and my heartbeat. It beat fast, really fast. I passed out.
Last edited by Metalmauzen on Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
This could very well be the push that makes you move
  





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Sun Jul 10, 2011 10:59 am
XxXKaylaMaeXxX says...



This is a really good story.... But 'sore' is spelt like that. LoL. I loved it. I was caught right away... And it has a great plot. Crazy kidnapper out to avenge the death of his family... Makes me wonder how they died... You should continue
<3-KaylaMae-<3
  





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Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:09 am
Metalmauzen says...



thank you ^^ I'm flattered! Yes I will finish this story in some time, I'll post the whole story when it's finished.

Could you please tell me where you found 'sore' ? XD I'm not sure what you meant by that

Thanks again =D
This could very well be the push that makes you move
  





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Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:21 am
XxXKaylaMaeXxX says...



First paragraph
I noticed my throat was soar, as if I had woken up from a wild party.

Soar=Sore
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Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:24 am
XxXKaylaMaeXxX says...



Time to wake up, Buttercup. The anaesthetic should of long worn of by now

I think thats what u said. of=off
<3-KaylaMae-<3
  





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Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:29 am
Metalmauzen says...



ah thanks ;) I corrected it
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Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:46 am
XxXKaylaMaeXxX says...



Welcome. You're really good. I wish I could write similar to the ability you have. Lol
<3-KaylaMae-<3
  





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Sun Jul 10, 2011 12:03 pm
Metalmauzen says...



are you kidding me? I just read your work, it was awesome. You sure have some talent you only need to expand it a little more. Keep writing and try out different things =D
This could very well be the push that makes you move
  





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Sun Jul 10, 2011 2:39 pm
michaeld says...



This... this, simply put, was amazing. Your description was just awesome! I could really taste the sweet water (I imagined it to have a sweetish taste), I could really hear the villains voice, and I could really feel my knees shatter! Not very many authors can accomplish that for me, but you definitely did! The only critiquing I have to do, is that parts of it were hard to follow, so I would advise to add spaces in some of the paragraphs to make them into separate paragraphs. But other than that, I really really really enjoyed reading this! Keep me posted on sequels to this!! BRAVO! :)
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." ~ Anton Chekhov
  





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Tue Jul 12, 2011 4:33 pm
ZannaShepherd says...



Hi, I'm here as requested.

I really liked your story, the plot was very intriguing and well paced. I did notice that you tend to change tenses a lot, and that makes the story much harder to read. I pointed out a couple places, but there's more. Also you're paragraphs are kinda of long, but you could fix that if you indent before each new dialog, which also makes for an easier read.

Here are a couple things I found:

His voice was a mix between a young girl and a grumpy old man. It was high-pitched, but it sounded really growling at the same time. He didn't sound angry or grumpy though. He sounded like he was enjoying himself. Slightly nervous perhaps.
growling, sounds a little akward. Gravely sounds a little smoother.

I heard him walking away from me, and that's when I noticed that the sound his walk made wasn't really normal. First of all it sounded like he was bare-footed, not only that but it seemed that he was limping as well.
bare foot, sounds smoother.

He put the rather large vase between my legs, and the straw in my mouth. Immediately I started sucking. The water was surprisingly good. I never knew there could be differences in taste of water."You like it?" "I didn't answer because I was eagerly drinking.
you don't need the " there, because no one's talking.

"Yes" I said. My voice felt like it was before I got into this situation.
maybe change it to 'had been'.

"Need something else before we start our little journey?" The voice asked again. "Could you refill the vase again please?"
It would sound better if you took out one of the 'agains'.

"I suddenly felt a chill going down my spine, intuition you could say.
you don't need the ".

Like I suddenly realised this game was going to have a lot of bad consequences if I wasn’t careful.
I think you meant realized.

He acted slowly, took his time. Him being calm made me really nervous. I don’t have a clue where this game is going and I’m not sure if I want to find out.
here you switch between present, and past tense, and you do that other places too. 'He acted', and then 'I don't', differen't tenses.

The straw pointed away from me so he turned it so that I could drink from it again.
you use 'so' twice in this sentence, it makes it sound a little choppy.

I didn’t even know what was going to happen, but it seems I had no choice but to make the best of it.
seemed. changing tenses again.

Suddenly, like I snapped from some kind of trance I realised I had been kidnapped.
realized.

“It’s no use, no one will hear you. As you might have noticed we are completely sealed inside this building. Even if someone hears you there is no way they come in here.”
they can come.

I didn’t necessarily found her attractive but I could see someone else would.
find.

Other than that, your story was very good! I can't wait to read more, the way you only give us tidbits of information, is very compelling. Good luck, have fun, and keep up the great writing?
~Zanna Shepherd
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna
  





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Sun Jul 17, 2011 5:23 pm
hazellgreene says...



First of all, I love the idea! It’s such an enigma and it’s really quite chilling, with the limping stranger and the cruel, mind-boggling game! I can’t wait to read on and find out what happens!

I just have a few things I noticed though -

I coughed with my mouth closed, it was really dry.


Here, I think it would be best to use a semi-colon. It might just be me being picky, but I think it may just read a little better.

at least there should’ve been a time when they were white.


This doesn’t make much sense to me. Try – at least there might have been a time when they were white.

It made me think of an abattoir or something like that.


I would try to be more definite and confident when expressing the character’s views. It may just be my opinion, but I like it when a character knows his/her own mind. The phrase ‘something like that,’ also sounds too casual for this sort of suspense story, try something more formal.

so I chase her, grab her from behind en kiss her on her cheek,


You’ve got a little typo here – en instead of and I’m assuming.

Like two knives a smell filled my nostrils.


No criticism here, I just love this simile! :)
also, there were some parts where the paragraphs were huge and a little hard to follow. When a new character starts speaking, stick them on a new line and then maybe it might be a little easier to follow.
other than that, i love it and i hope you write more, because i will definately read it! :D
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'Writing is a cop-out. An excuse to live perpetually in fantasy land, where you can create, direct and watch the products of your own head. Very selfish.'
~ Monica Dickens
  








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