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From Silence



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Tue Jul 05, 2011 9:31 pm
RoarShark says...



From Silence
It all begins with darkness, from which silence is formed. The world lays still; nothing was visible. A path was drawn out of the darkness. It led towards the horizon. Above the horizon, a dark blue sky hung. Pale white specks could be found scattered across the sky. Beneath the path the ground became visible. It was dark and earthy. Long blades of grass came up on the path. They were dark green in color, though they were barely visible.
Footsteps echoed along the path. They belonged to a man; a man who frequently walked this path. Though he walked this path frequently, he found that it took him somewhere different each time. Today was no different, for the man was not sure where he was going. This man was tall, close to six foot. He was an average size. He was a young adult, only twenty-three. His name was Noland. Noland had light brown hair, which was long enough to cover parts of his eyebrows. His eyes were a cool gray color, similar to ice. He wore a dark, almost black, sweatshirt that bore a hood with a light pair of blue jeans. Unknown to Noland, he had control over the world he was in. He could manipulate, and create objects in the world.
Noland was walking, and thinking. He was deep in thought about his past. Twelve years ago his mother died in a tragic car crash. It was not enough that he witnessed this crash, but Noland’s father remarried nearly a year later. Noland felt as though death had cheated his mother out of something great – her life. It was this experience that gave Noland his greatest fear; his fear of death.
Noland was reaching the end of the path or the destination of the path at least. He reached a city. It led him to a city that looked unfamiliar to Noland. He saw around him large, towering buildings made of all kinds of materials. Some were made of wood or brick, while others were made of metal. The path that he had been walking along had apparently been part of a park trail. This park was in the center of the city.
As Noland left the park, and entered the city, a man ran up towards him. He was yelling, “Noland! Over here!”
“Alex? What are you doing here? How do you always seem to be where ever I am?” asked Noland.
“I’m your best friend, what else did you expect?”
Alex was shorter than Noland. He had bright blonde hair that was incredibly short. He had brilliant green eyes that were close to the shade of grass. He wore a grey jacket, and had on khakis. He and Noland walked down a street close to the exit of the park. There were no other people in the streets. No noise could be heard except for the sounds of the wind blowing through the trees. Out of the silence, Noland heard steps from behind him. He turned around to look. Behind him stood a hooded figure who was wearing a black jacket with black pants. His face was shrouded by shadows. The figure reached for something in his pocket. He pulled out what seemed like a gun.
“RUN!” yelled Noland as a crack echoed though out the streets. A bullet rushed past his head. He and Alex ran down the street, turned down the first corner they could find. Fog was forming on the ground around their feet. The fog was heavier where the hooded man was coming from.
“Who was that?” asked Alex.
“No idea,” answered Noland.
“He reminded me of death. You know the guy who was in black and had a scythe,” stated Alex as he was running out of breath.
“He did, didn’t he?”
Noland and Alex continued running down the street away from the hooded man. A scream echoed from where the hooded man came from. To Noland this sounded like his mother’s voice.
“That was my mom,” said Noland.
“I thought she died,” stated Alex, with a confused look on his face.
“So did I, but I swear I heard her.”
Noland stopped running away from the man, and switched directions. Alex followed. Noland wished he had some way to fend off the hooded man. He needed a gun. With that final thought a gun materialized in his hand.
“How’d you do that?” asked Alex. He was pointing towards the gun.
“I – I just thought about having a gun and I got one,” responded Noland. He threw Alex the gun, and created another one with his thoughts. Noland smirked with admiration of himself.
The fog was growing thicker, and another scream echoed though the street. Only this time the scream was much louder, and seemed closer. Noland wished that there was a quicker way to find the hooded man. Beside Noland and Alex, another street formed. This street led directly towards the hooded man. At his feet, hidden by fog, was a body which was the source of the screams.
“Give me my mother!” yelled Noland. The hooded man pointed towards the body on the ground. Noland shook his head yes. He griped his gun tighter and tighter. The hooded man raised his gun again. He pointed it towards Alex rather than Noland. Another crack echoed through the streets. Alex fell to the ground and disappeared in the fog.
“I want my mother back!” yelled Noland, “I don’t fear you death!”
The hooded man kicked the body, making it roll over on the floor. It revealed its face. The face was scratched and scared. It wasn’t Noland’s mother; or was it. He could not tell who the body belonged to. Noland darted away from the hooded man. The hooded man followed. He did not look like he was running, rather gliding. Another crack echoed through the streets. Noland ducked his head and the bullet rushed by. He looked back at the hooded man and shot his gun. The bullet went through the man’s shoulder, only it did not hurt him. The man’s shoulder seemed to evaporate as soon as the bullet hit it. As soon as the bullet went by the shoulder reformed perfectly. Noland turned down into an alley way. He was surrounded on all sides by darkness. The only source of light was the windows on the walls of the alley. At the far end was a large brick wall. He was trapped.
“I am not scared of you!” yelled Noland. He pointed his gun at the man. The man continued walking closer to Noland. He stopped after he was no less than five feet away. He reached for his hood and pulled it down revealing his face. His face was blank. No facial features were there. Noland dropped to his knees. The hooded man raised his gun. Crack!
Noland fell backwards. Darkness began to encompass him. The sound of the world around him began to disappear; it was replaced again with silence. He had lost his battle with his greatest fear, death. Despair ran over Nolan. Finally the impact of his fall gave him the shock he needed; finally he was awake. Instantly he sat up, his back was left rigid. It was all a dream, and his mother was truly dead. There was nothing he could do to save her; even in his dreams. Yet seeing her, and hearing her this one last time gave him a sense of closure. The one thing he longed for more so than her return. As he laid his head back down he suddenly realized something. He could visit his mother anytime he desired in his dreams. And in that way she was still alive; she was alive inside his heart and mind.
  





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Tue Jul 05, 2011 10:22 pm
Iggy says...



First, I found no spelling, puncuation, or grammar errors. I highly congraduate you.

Second, very descriptive! I loved the effect of imagery that filled my mind. Bright, vibrant, vivid! I love that. :)

Third, it was amazing from the start. The first paragragh sucked me in. As a bookworm, I look for stories just like yours.

It was a wonderful story, and I would love for you to continue! :)

-Ariel.
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
- Lewis Carroll
  





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Tue Jul 05, 2011 10:28 pm
EliteHusky says...



Working backwards let me start off by congratulating you on successfully, in my own interpretation at least, pulling off the "it was all a dream" move. The characters are likeable. I believe readers who has lost a parent or who can empathize with Noland will certainly bond very quickly to this script. The atmosphere of death lurking in shadows, in a mask of concealment, was written very well. As an earlier reply remarked, this was "vibrant". The fact that it was also a roller-coaster ride between moments of calm and moments of panic also helped make this interesting with feelings of wanting the main character to survive and not get shot as well as hoping there was a happy ending. All in all, well written and this has potential if you flesh out the main character and other characters into a timeline.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky
  





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Fri Jul 08, 2011 7:10 pm
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Carlito says...



Hey Shark!

Nitpicks:
The world lays still; nothing was visible.

I think it's supposed to be lies.

They belonged to a man; a man who frequently walked this path. Though he walked this path frequently,

There's a little too much repetition here for me of "man" "walked" and "frequently".

He reached a city. It led him to a city that looked unfamiliar to Noland.

He's reached a city, but then he's being led to a city? I think you could take out the first sentence and just say he was led to a city.

“Alex? What are you doing here? How do you always seem to be where ever I am?” asked Noland.

“I’m your best friend, what else did (do) you expect?”

This dialogue sounded a little awkward to me. It's the "How do you always seem to know where ever I am?" I think you could take that out and then modify what Alex says a little. Or maybe add some action in there and break up the dialogue like: "Alex?" Noland turned towards the voice, startled to see his friend. "What are you doing..."

“He reminded me of death. You know the guy who was in black and had a scythe,” stated Alex as he was running out of breath.

This could be a little more clear I think. It doesn't quite make sense to me.

Noland wished that there was a quicker way to find the hooded man. Beside Noland and Alex, another street formed. This street led directly towards the hooded man. At his feet, hidden by fog, was a body which was the source of the screams.

Can you think of another way to describe him other than the "hooded man"?

or was it. (?)


Finally the impact of his fall gave him the shock he needed;

I'd start a new paragraph at the beginning of this line.

Very interesting story and concept. Overall, I think you did a nice job. It was face-paced and there was a lot of great descriptions. The only big downfall I found was the dialogue. It wasn't awful but it could be improved on. It sounded a little awkward to me at times and I think if you just put in more cues and action with it, it would be improved. What do they see, think, and feel as they say those lines? Are they answering with a smile? Are they sweating? Are they scared? Did their voice waver? Do they sound confident? You don't have to put something at the end of each line, but since the rest of the story is so detailed, I would beef up the dialogue a little more too.

Overall, nice job though. Let me know if you have any questions or need anything! :)

-Carly
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Fri Jul 08, 2011 8:59 pm
RoarShark says...



Thanks Carly! This was actually written as an assignment for school with a limited amount of words I could use, so that is why there is little dialogue and description of how they are talking. Usually I add that detail, but I ran out of words to use. Now obviously I could have gone over and edited this before I posted it here, I just neglected to. Dialogue is my arch-nemesis when it comes to writing. It always seems to come out stiff and not really realistic. And when it comes to the repetition early on, that really needs to be worked on, and I will work on it.
  








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