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Young Writers Society


The Thief and the Tunnel



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Sat Jul 02, 2011 6:52 pm
AlexT says...



The thief was burly. He was intimidating. But sadly for him, he wasn’t very bright. He was just looking for a way to get rich quick. He didn’t care how he got rich. He cared little for others' well being, and that seemed to often get him in trouble.


“After tonight, I will be rich! This scheme will top all of those before me, for this is the greatest plan ever orchestrated by a common thief such as myself! Everyone will cower in fear when they hear the name John Smith,” the thief thought. John Smith, of course, was merely a pseudonym. None knew his real name, and the thief seemed to like it that way.


John avidly pulled a black mask over his head to conceal his face. The scheme would take place that night. He assured himself that all would go well, and in a matter of time, he would be a legend among all criminals.


Black gloves were pulled over his meaty fingers, and he sighed. “Is this really the way to go?” he reconsidered. He twitched his head, shaking off his conscience. He hadn’t always been a criminal. He had just allowed himself to be pulled into a world of crime and sin. The tiny shred of a conscience that he still had was diminishing though. Soon, there would be nothing left of what he had once been.

John made his way out of the small apartment that he stayed in and out into the open air. A dark, rainy atmosphere enveloped the quiet city, and it was a prime day for what he was about to do. He stuck to the shadows and made his way through the city. He passed stores and apartment complexes. After several minutes of walking, John paused and pulled out an intricate map.

The map was of a long abandoned sewage system that ran underground. It had been forgotten by all except for several, one of the several being John. A more modern sewer that worked better had replaced it. Once the new sewer had been built, no one bothered to do anything to the old one. It wasn’t worth anybody’s time, for it was underground and not within plain sight.


There was a tunnel that led directly into a bank located nearby, and that was the tunnel that would be used. The tunnel led right up into a warehouse that was part of the bank, which was directly next to the vault. The scheme seemed foolproof, but was it really?

John lifted up a manhole and climbed down a grimy metal ladder into the depths of the sewer. He lifted the manhole back over his head and turned on an electric lantern that he had carried along. The lantern illuminated the sewer, and the thief was met with a terrifying sight: a horde of pudgy rats filling the tunnel.

When the rats saw the light, however, they fled in fright, and John laughed. “Serves you right, dumb rodents!” John’s voice echoed throughout the tunnel. He finished climbing down the ladder and dropped onto the ground. He examined the map once more and set off down a tunnel. A smug grin was plastered on John’s face; he was in a happy mood.

His boots squelched through the muck in the sewage tunnel. It was just like one would imagine a sewer: there was a small metal walkway that John was walking on, and a thick soup of waste next to it. The tunnel reeked, but John was willing to tolerate it. He would do anything to get that money…

John was a sweaty fellow, and in no time, his entire body, especially beneath his arms, was coated with a thin layer of sweat. When John got out of the sewer, he was going to smell bad.
John’s pace was unbroken as he followed the route he had planned out. He met several intersections, but with a quick glance at the map, he continued on. Minutes went by. No sounds were audible other than John’s footsteps, the pitter-patter of rats dashing around, and the dripping water. It was a rather creepy place, and it suited John well.

“Almost there,” he mumbled. Finally, after walking a bit more, he stopped in front of another rusty, metal ladder. John held his lantern up to it and began climbing. He went up slowly, making sure that he didn’t make a false step. The clandestine scheme was about to come to its climax.

He reached the top of the ladder and was met with another manhole. He held onto the ladder with one hand and laid the lantern against the ladder. With his free hand, he pushed up on the manhole. It popped off and landed with a clattering sound.

John quickly hopped up and into the room. It was then that he realized that he was certainly not in any bank. He must’ve made a wrong turn in the abandoned sewer, for now, he was in the complete opposite of a bank. He was in a jail.

Before John could react, a security guard yelled from behind him. “Hey! This guy’s tryin’ to break out the other prisoners! Get him!” John was tackled in a rough way by several guards. He hit the ground with a sickening thud.

John’s hands were wrenched behind his back and handcuffs were clamped over his wrists. “This oughta land you a couple months here. Attempting to break out cons is a serious offense. You’ll have to see what the court has to say,” a guard said as he led John to his own cell. He would be kept there until the next day.

“But-but I’m innocent!” John declared in a whining voice as he was thrust into a cell.

The guard laughed. “That’s what they all say!” With that, the guard slammed the cell door and walked away.
Last edited by AlexT on Sat Jul 02, 2011 11:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sat Jul 02, 2011 8:15 pm
KyleTheGreat13 says...



Overall, this is very well-written. A few thoughts:

    The first paragraph could be made a lot stronger with some better word choice to describe John.

    I love that he was having doubts about his scheme, and the descriptions that followed were great.

    The old sewage system was made up of tunnels leading all through the city. The particular use for the map on that day was crime.

    I think the above paragraph could just be deleted altogether.

    I love the irony of how he ended up being imprisoned for something else altogether!
This is well-done. With a few tweaks here and there and a few stylistic changes, it could improve immensely!
  





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Tue Jul 05, 2011 8:44 pm
captain.classy says...



Hi there!

Haha, I love it. Such a twist of irony, and there is a definite moral to this story. Good work!

I think you can do a bit of lengthening with this story. As perfect as it is to me (there's only one thing I don't really like about it!), I still don't have that sympathy factor for him. You haven't made him quite mean enough that I'm happy in jail, but you haven't made him pityable either. You need to pick which one, because right now I'm a bit confused about my emotions for this man.

On one hand, he obviously isn't rich, right? He doesn't have a lot of money, which is why he's looking for it. I also feel that knowing about old sewer lines doesn't make him seem to well off either. So right there, I do feel a bit sad for him. On the other hand, he's also trying to become the most infamous criminal, and he's trying to steal from a bank, steal from people. So all in all, he's a rather confusing character.

What you do to him at then end, that is, trap him in jail waiting to meet his sentence, doesn't help me conclude my feelings. You don't really give me a side there either. On one hand I feel bad that he has to rot in jail for a few months for doing something he didn't do, but then on the other hand he was supposed to do something bad. Basically this character is a huge oxymoron, and I'd like some help from you as the writer; help me try to figure out what this guy is all about.

He's 2 dimensional, as my creative writing teacher would say. You need to make him more 3 dimensional. More realistic, and not just two sides on opposite spectrum, somewhere in between.

Keep writing!

Classy
  








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