1
There once was a kid named Ted who went to a horrid camp. It rained and rained and rained. While it rained, he would sit in his cabin and pow wow with his awkward friends. Then the hail came with the tornadoes and they had to huddle in the back of their crappy, three sided adirondack.
They had to give all of their snacks to a giant mutant worm baby named Antwan. If you didn't he would bite you, instantly becoming transformed into a ware worm. After they fed all their snacks to him they had a truce and decided to track down the evil rain master Papasquat. He made it rain 24/7, 365 days a year including leap year day because he was just that mean. To stop Papasquat they had to find the magic purple book to overcome his power to make it rain. The magic purple book is called the Elder Scroll and its located in the caves of Oblivion.
Their epic adventure began in Djibouti where they had to find a map maker in the large city capital. The map maker wouldn’t sell to “a bunch of rotten kids”, so Antwan bit him and they stole the map.
Papasquat knew about their plan from his golden grasshopper spy, Weenis, who was on their trail. The kids found Weenis, picked him up, put him in a lollipop, and mailed him back to Papasquat. Ted said, “Yeaaaa-uhhh!” Papasquat was furious! He fed the Weenis lollipop to his hellhounds.
The four heroes were safe for now. They were Ted, a chess player from Milwaukee (who hated the Brewers), Giblet, who had a thing about brooms, Sparry, a previous undercover gangster, and Antwan, who had issues. Papasquat sent rainbow ninjas with armor made from panda to stop his pursuers. Before the ninjas came, Ted and his posse found a weapons cache. Inside there were four random crates. Each person got a magic item from the crates. Ted got bunny nun-chucks, Sparry got a rail gun, Antwan got a mace, and Giblet got a magic onion ring. They tested their weapons on completely harmless trees.
The ninjas jumped from the trees, but the awkward friend’s weapons were prepared. Giblet’s onion ring created a force field which the ninjas bounce off of. Ted immediately starts spinning his bunny-chucks and knocking away the ninjas. Sparry takes out four with one blast of his rail gun, and Antwan decapitated three. Rainbow ninja body parts were everywhere!
2
The next leg of their quest to dethrone Papasquat took them into the rainforest Jamoca, which is a giant coffee bean tree forest maze. Very few men (including a couple of highly trained dolphins) had ever made it through the forest. Jamoca is notoriously well known for having brain eating tomato zombies. They were made from toxic rotten tomatoes thrown out from Las Vegas hotel buffets. The zombies would suck any living thing’s blood to maintain their freshness.
The gang enters in the dead of night. When they approach a tall tree they hear gnawing sounds. They look behind the tree to find two tomato zombies chewing on each other. “I’ve got a plan,” Sparry whispers, “I’m going to own these zombie ranks with my rail gun.”
He charged his rail gun to maximum power and switched it to “danger mode”. Running like a mad man into the mass of zombies, he shouts “I’m gonna piss on the graves of your ancestors!” Sparry pulled the trigger. All was silent for a moment. Then the rail gun exploded!
All the zombies were incinerated. So was Sparry. Antwan gave a tear jerking eulogy. “He was an okay guy.” They held a funeral for him that afternoon. Giblet sang “Freebird” as they lowered Sparry’s body into the ground.
The now closer less awkward friends decided they must continue on their quest. Due to shortage of food, they had to drink coffee for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This increased the need to urinate and made them act in sort jittery bursts.
“I have to pee!”
“What?! What?! What?!”
“I have to pee!”
“What?!”
“I HAVE TO PEE!”
“Oh.”
3
After traveling for many days, they had reached the Cliffs of Infinity. Those who have ever seen the edge cannot see the bottom. This is because there is no bottom. Those who fell years ago are still falling today. Even less highly trained dolphins had survived the Cliffs.
“I’ve got to take a crap.” Antwan said vaguely. He placed his butt-sphincter-thing on the edge of the cliff and began to strain. Suddenly, his butt began to dip over the edge along with the rest of his body. “Not again!” he shouted as his body plummeted over the edge.
Antwan shrieks like a small female child. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a tree branch protruding from the cliff fifty feet bellow. Thinking quickly he clamps his vicious jaws onto the branch. AS he hangs from the branch Antwan continues to release his bowels.
Using his teeth he slowly creeps up the side of the cliff. After three hours of exhausted climbing he sloshes his body over the edge. His friends rush over to Antwan and give him a pat on the abdomen.
Looking up to smile at Ted and Giblet, Antwan becomes stunned. “Oh my not bearded face, look!” he shouts and points to the Caves of Oblivion which they had not noticed directly behind them when they arrived. Upon stumbling up to the cave’s entrance a large beast leaped out from the cave’s darkness. It had the body and legs of a ferocious lion and the head of a Chihuahua.
“None shall pass!” the semi-terrifying creature squeaked. All three of the friends were too nervous to move. As if by a miracle, the Heaven’s clouds parted and Sparry floated down on angel’s wings to the Earth. Everyone was even more stunned for the moment. Sparry was the first to make a move.
“I have pissed on the graves of your ancestors!” he shouted. Firing his rail gun, he blew the entrance guard to pieces. “Thank you, dearest friend.” Ted said to Sparry. “No problem.” He said and went back to Heaven.
4
They ventured into the Caves of Oblivion until they found the Elder Scroll sitting on a pedestal. Everyone raced for it, their hands all touching the book. All of a sudden, a vortex of flashing colors spun around them. Moments later, Ted looked at his surroundings to realize they were teleported in front of Papasquat’s castle! It loomed in the mountains casting a menacing shadow.
“We have to get in there unnoticed,” Giblet said.
“I shall use my burrowing powers of awesomeness to burrow under the castle.” Antwan responded and began to dig an underground tunnel. The Trembling Trio crawled through the tunnel on their hands and knees. As Giblet’s head surfaced he was disturbed to find out that he was directly in front of Papasquat sitting at his throne. Everyone jumped all at once and glared at each other intensely. “So you have come to purchase car insurance?”
“You sell car insurance?” Ted asked.”
“Yeah. It pays the bills. You would think that being a dark overlord that I would have other ways of doing so, but…”
“We have come to take your powers over rain away from you, evil doer!” Antwan screamed bravely.
“Bwahahaha! You shall do no such thing to me worm child.” He jumped into the air and landed, sitting on all three of the heroes. “Noooooooo!” they cried. It felt as though all hope was lost. But there was one who could still save them.
“Get off of them, Papasquat!” Weenis demanded. He had survived the hellhounds and escaped them by chewing a hole through its stomach! He pulled out the Elder Scroll, which had been left lying on the ground, and began to read. “Through any two points there is exactly one line. If two chords intersect the interior of a circle, then the product of the lengths of the segments of one chord is congruent to the product of the lengths of the segments of the other chord.”
It was a geometry text book! Everyone but Papasquat knew to plug their ears, so he was bored to death. They had been victorious! “Now there is only one thing left to do,” Ted said. “What might that be?” Antwan asked. “I have to go see the rain master.” Ted said as he shut the bathroom door behind him.
), but right now it needs a lot of work.
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