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Pirate Gold



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Points: 1352
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Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:55 pm
PrincessOfDarkness says...



Spoiler! :
My story is about a pirate in a mental institute trying to steal a leprechaun's bag of gold


Now. The searing white walls blinded me, as I dragged a calloused, bitten hand through my matted hair. I scratched the scar that ran down my face like a red tear, brushing the dishevelled black eye patch. I scowled, my mouth turned up in a malicious taunt.
The white padded walls pressed in on me, suffocating me with soft white cusions. I shivered involuntarily. The bars were painted white, and as I gazed through them, I noticed a man curled up on the floor, muttering jibberish.
"Ahhhh... And then...then-!" He burst into manic laughter. I flinced at the sound. "The numbers ... what do they mean!?" The man began to shout. He jumped up, curling his fists around the bars. "What. Do. The. Damn. Numbers. Mean!" He shook them, screaming and hollering as he did. "Ten! Sixty Five! Two ... Three ..." He stopped, as the guards advanced on him. He blanched and backed away. They slowly raised the guns, the tiny red dot marked on his chest. He moaned and backed further away, until he couldn't be seen. The red dot was the only thing visible. I crawled up to the bars, watching with sick fasination. The guns cracked in unison, and there was a scream, before he slumped, half of his body still undiscovered in shadow.
A syringe with a feather tip stuck from his neck, the other, I presumed, crushed underneath him. Like a fly. I chuckled. I clapped my hand over my mouth as the guards walked by.
A man, a rather small man, dressed in a pristine, green costume with white trimmings and a black belt and shining boots, dropped a bag carelessly on the floor, pleading with the guard. Now. The thought attacked me again like a viper. Steal the bag. Find out what's in it. The petite mans face turned slightly, revealing a neatly plucked orange beard, and bright green eyes that gazed at the guard intently. The sentinel, who were called Angels in the Institute, shook his head. The dimunutive orange haired figure shouted, his tinkling voice ringing through the cells, reverberating through the Institute, and the maniacs, the crazy people began to howl. The clamour cut through the mans shouts, relentlessly tearing it to ribbons, before finally drowning it.
My thoughts drifted. Why was I here? The thoughts tormented me endlessly, regardless of time. Day. Night. Torture. I gave a small moan, and the man shifted uneasily. Here because I was captured. Captain Clarke the Pirate who saw Leprechauns. I swear I saw one. A small figure at the prow of my boat. He had stolen everything, but, I mean, everyone sees Leprechauns, don't they?
I was brought back to reality when the idea washed over me again. Steal it. I crept towards the bag. I fixed my sights on it. I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through my body like a powerful current underneath a calm river. My rough hands closed around the neck of the bag. I pulled it through the bars. The coins, or what I suspected to be coins, jumped around inside the bag like excited children, shattering the now silent Institute. The small man whirled around, clutching at my hand, prising it off. But I was no longer interested in the bag. The man's face terrorised me. It was the same face.
The Leprechaun.
Then I did something no Pirate should ever do.
I screamed.
Last edited by PrincessOfDarkness on Wed Jun 29, 2011 5:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Thu Jun 23, 2011 6:52 pm
tigershark17 says...



oooh, creepy. One question: what is prising? Well, great job! I love this one too, not surprisingly! Haunting is still my favorite though! Keep writing; I want more!
Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams.
--Robert Greenleaf
  





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Thu Jun 23, 2011 7:23 pm
PrincessOfDarkness says...



OK. I'll set the scene. You are starving. You really, really, REALLY want a jam sandwhich, but, HORROR OF HORRORS:

The Strawberry Jam is all gone! :O
But, you root around in your cupboard and find:

Peanut butter jelly!

You decide to have that instead.

But, oh no!

The lid is stuck!

You try to /prise/ the lid off, but:

It won't come off!

And then:

*Cluck!*

The lids shoots off the top of the jar and shoots peanut butter jelly all over the floor, walls and you.

The End.

(Can you tell I'm in a hyper mood? I just had a chocolate orange bar! But that is my own twisted thesaurus descriptions of prise[ing]. :D
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Fri Jun 24, 2011 7:20 pm
captain.classy says...



Hi there!

This is really cute. You definitely tried to capture the prompt well, however I think you could exaggerate a bit more, but we'll get into that later. I think as far as an ultra short story, maybe even a flash fiction, you let us into the character pretty well. However, I don't really like how the character is conscious of the fact that he's crazy. I think it's more entertaining when the character who's supposed to be bonkers doesn't know. Let the audience figure it out themselves that he's crazy and is in a mental institution, that would be a whole lot more interesting.

And that's where I come in with the exaggeration. I think you should definitely go more all-out with this. I remember a contest from earlier last year. Not sure if the person won or not, but her story was featured because so many people liked it. And you know why? Because she went all out with her prompt. She decided to make it as crazy as possible because, let's face it, the prompts given from the story story generator are crazy.

So what I'm saying is to add a little more personality into this. Have your main character randomly have a panic attack because they see a lep. walking in their cell or something like that. Give me something that I will remember, laugh about, and want your story to win because you have it.

Keep writing!

Classy
  





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Mon Jun 27, 2011 6:08 am
abhi92misra says...



Hi!

Well the story is really nice. The language used is captivating and the grammar is precise. The one thing that I really liked about your piece is that you were able to create a sinister environment with your vivid descriptions. Also, the thought process of the crazy pirate was very well described.
However, the piece was really short. I don't know if you did that on purpse but a little more elaboration would have helped. For instance you could have described that mental institute a bit more, just to instill a feeling of horror among the readers. You could also have tried to make the readers believe that the pirate might not be crazy after all by going deeper into his thoughts, and then revealing the truth in the end. Also, I didn't quite understand what was inside that small man's bag which the pirate took.
In a nutshell, it was a really good piece of work...girl you've got some talent. A few changes here and there and this could turn into an outstanding story. So keep writing! :)

yours
Abhishek
  





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Wed Jul 20, 2011 4:36 am
katngo73 says...



very nice..... I like how you had everything in such a great flow! KEEP ON WRITING!!!!!!
“There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t act a little childish sometimes.”-The Fourth Doctor
"Who I was, what I did, that's not who I am." - Castiel
"Friends protect you." - John Watson
  





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Wed Jul 20, 2011 10:53 pm
anasn2 says...



Hey,
You're short story is wonderfully constructed with an amazing attention put into detail; You made me aware of the time, setting, characters and feelings quite easily. Furthermore, you followed the same ironic-horror trend in every line; something which I deeply enjoyed. I have one comment though, you misspelled fascination.
watching with sick fasination


Keep up the good work :D
All the best
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