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Vengeance



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64 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1683
Reviews: 64
Sat May 28, 2011 9:51 pm
Yanni1995 says...



My heart pounded in my chest as I hid in the hallway closet. I listened to the gunshots, the terrified screams of my friends and family and the commanding shouts of the offenders. It was New Year’s Eve and we had been celebrating when all of a sudden, a hail of bullets came from nowhere and then, there was chaos. People were running here and there desperate for shelter. Their screams echoed against the walls of the dance hall where the ball was taking place. I was rooted to my spot, fear clutching at my heart as I watched the melee.

Then, I saw my grandmother fall. Her lilac dress billowed around her as she fell, her white hair cascading past her shoulders as her face twisted in pain. Then, she was gone, lying in a pool of her own blood in the middle of the dance floor. That’s when I ran. I ran into the nearest hiding place I knew, which happened to be the hall closet right across the living room, all the while worrying about my immediate family hoping that they got into the secret room in time.

I pushed myself to the back of the closet and in my panic left the door slightly ajar. The screams raged on, the angry shouts of the attackers never ceased and the rain of bullets was unstoppable. I listened, breathing harshly, to the ‘ping’ of metal on metal or the sickly sound of metal hitting flesh. There were crashes everywhere as the attackers ransacked the house. Vases, mirrors and windows shattered under the force of the pelting bullets while the people continued to plead for mercy, to be left alive. Their begging was futile and was answered either by another bullet or the rambunctious laughter of their captors.

I recalled what I saw while I ran for cover. Broken glass, dismantled furniture and dead bodies littered the place. Everything was scattered everywhere. There was so much blood. There was blood on the floor, pools of it. The walls looked like they had naturally been painted red; even the ceilings had the crimson liquid splattered all over them. I ran through the dance hall, past my dead friends, past my defiled family members, past all the destruction all the while hoping that I would survive this. My thoughts were cut short when I heard more screaming from the living room followed by the harsh voices of the invaders.

I edged closer to the door, my hand clamped over my mouth as I tried to stifle my breathing. My heartbeat racing as I got closer to the gap in the door. I was able to get so close that I could peek through the small gap. What I saw left my blood cold.

There in the middle of the living room, my friends and family were tied up. The males were separated from the females but there were no children. I wondered what happened to them. Everyone I saw was not my immediate family, they were cousins, aunts and uncles but they were all dearly loved. I feared for my friends especially my best friend, Jackie and my other cousin Rebecca. There were no teens in the room. I couldn’t find my mother either but my father was there.
‘They made it!’ I thought triumphantly as I realized that my mom was in the hidden chamber with my two month old baby brother. ‘They’re safe!’ I thought once more. I almost laughed in a mixture of emotions but quickly stopped myself. My victorious feeling was suddenly washed away when I heard distinct female screams from the second floor of the house. There were three different voices screaming for help and to be left alone. Their voices were followed by multiple crashes
and then there were consecutive thuds.

Heavy footsteps fell on the stairs followed by the thump of something being dragged. I waited with baited breath for the people to come into my field of vision but what I saw made me regret peeking through the door. There were three men dressed in black with ski masks and automatic guns strapped across their backs; they were dragging my mom, my cousin Rebecca and my best friend Jackie by the hair. All three women were desperately trying to break free from their grasps but their attempts were futile. They had bruises all over their bodies; Rebecca had a cut lip while Jackie sported a black eye. My mother was in worse shape; her right arm was bent at an awkward angle, her knee was bleeding and she was coughing up blood. They were dragged in kicking and screaming then unceremoniously dropped onto the living room floor right in front of the others.

“Hey boss,” a gruff voice said. The man who spoke was tall with wide shoulders and what looked to be a tattoo on his neck. “Look what we found.” He said, pointing to the three women on the floor. “Can we play with them?” he asked, shooting Rebecca a lecherous grin.

“Do what you want,” replied the boss. His voice was low and rumbling, one that I knew I would never forget.
All eight men, besides the boss, turned to the three women on the floor. They walked up to them like predators to their prey. More screaming ensued; the men shouted threats at the offenders while the women merely sobbed and looked away. Three men approached Rebecca. One of them picked her up as if she was a rag doll then tore up her dress, revealing everything that was hidden underneath. She could do nothing but scream as the man plunged roughly into her, her eyes wide open while the other two found other ‘playthings’ with other parts of her body. Jackie was being stalked by two men. One of them grabbed her waist and pushed her roughly on the floor so that she was lying prone. He pushed up her skirts and tore her panties off before taking her in front of everyone. Her mouth opened in a silent scream as the other man tore open her blouse and grabbed her breasts, roughly squeezing and then he bit her nipple making her whimper in pain. My mother was the captive of the other three men. They tore off all her clothes and defiled her body in every way possible. I couldn’t look away as their eyes fell on me and they all mouthed, “Help me.”

I snapped out of my daze when I felt the mattress move. I looked to my side where my fifteen year old brother, Joshua, slept in peace. He snuggled further into the warmth of the covers and I smiled wistfully at his slumbering form. I kissed his forehead before getting up from the bed. I looked at the clock reading the time as 2:30 am. I walked to the bathroom, took a cold shower and dressed up in black.

I dressed in a sleek, body fitting, black suit. It was perfect for camouflage especially in the middle of the night. I strapped my weapons to every surface of my body then strode out of the bathroom. I walked back into the room I shared with my brother and watched fondly as he slept. I kissed him on the forehead and walked out of the room. I left a note on the dresser saying, “I hope I didn’t disturb you baby bro. I needed to go out, I had a mission.”
I stepped into the darkness of the garage and strode over to my Suzuki Hayabusa gxs1300r. I pushed it out of the garage before kicking it to life. I rode out into the night. I was on the hunt.
Last edited by Yanni1995 on Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Writing is not simply 'telling', it is also 'showing'. ~ Yanni1995
  





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18 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1751
Reviews: 18
Sun May 29, 2011 1:46 am
Liveinthelight says...



Hiya!

Please please please tell me that your misspelling of "vengeance" was on purpose.

Anyways, to the review!

I love how you jumped straight into the action, wonderful job. However, there are some parts of this that are difficult to keep up with, because your sentence structure is awkward. Your sentences are mostly sound, but a few need to be properly punctuated. I also found that you used a variety of cliches, and when you didn't use them you sounded repetitive in your descriptions. This story calls for vivid imagery, and I think that you could have improved upon that.

My heart pounded in my chest as I hid in the hallway closet.


Other than the fact that "pounded" is a very common verb to use in this situation, you more or less used the same phrase another place in the story, and I recognized it and almost skipped over it.

My heartbeat pounded in my ears


Instead of using that phrase, I would suggest using a different verb or rewording those sentence entirely. They mean almost nothing, especially if you repeat the same thing twice.

from nowhere and people started dropping like flies.


"Dropping like flies" is horribly cliche.

Then, I saw my grandmother fall. Her lilac dress billowed around her as she fell, her white hair cascading past her face as it twisted in pain


This sentence is slightly confusing in your way of wording it. I had to read it a second time and then it made sense. Is her hair twisted in pain, or is her face? Clearly we know the answer, but I stumbled over it the first time.

That’s when I ran. She had mouthed, “Run!” as she fell and that single word broke me from my trance.


That second sentence is kind of redundant after the first. I would suggest removing one of the two.

worrying about my immediate family, hoping that they got into the panic room in time.

I pushed myself to the back of the closet and in my panic


This is just me being nit-picky, but you use the word "panic" twice in the space of two sentences, and it's repetitive.

begging was futile and was answered either by another bullet or the rambunctious

laughter of their captors.


Why is there a space in the middle of a sentence? You do this somewhere else in the story as well. I'm sure it's just a small error. :)

Overall, your imagery is great. This scene calls for it, but if I were you I would make sure to read through this and detect any places where your flow is disrupted by faulty punctuation. Also, look for those pesky repetitive words. As writers, we tend to favor different phrases when we discover them, and that's just how it is.

The ending, to me, fell a bit flat. Waking up from a dream is cliche, and I would change it to something like a flashback. It made me groan when I read it. I would really like to see more about how the main character finds the attackers, and that's where the ending fizzled for me. It just didn't seem like enough. Still, this is an awesome story! Thanks for posting it. :)
You treat life like a picture
but it's not a moment that's frozen in time
  





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Points: 1360
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Sun May 29, 2011 9:34 pm
dancingmangos says...



I really liked this! But please fix the title spelling, it's killing me...unless it's on purpose.

Now for my dislikes:

1) Some awkward breaks. I think the review before me covered those, so I won't do those again.

2) I think you gave away too much information in the first chapter. Maybe instead of directly saying that she's a spy, reveal it over the next chapter.


My likes:

1) Pretty much all the rest!


Keep writing! :]
"The core of the human spirit comes from new experiences."
  





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Sun Jun 12, 2011 2:32 am
Loller65 says...



AW SNAP!

I really liked this! The guy hiding and detailing everything wss nice and kept you in the dark, and then, when the guys took their playthings, well, that part was nice and unnerving. The ebst part was the end where the MC rides off into the ngiht like a bawss.

Now, as good as the part in the closet was, I felt from there to when the MC wakes up drug on a bit. Maybe that could be trimmed down a little, but just a little. I also would have liked maybe a little more dialogue, but that's just me.

I would say if you could add a little more dialogue or personal commentary rather than what just what was happening, it would make the whole ordeal seem a lot more personal and the MC's lust for revenge would seem more justified.

8/10
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A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses.
— Jean Cocteau