Young Writers Society

Julius is now suffering, after he knew that Selim (his best friend) was an assassin. Take a look at this and tell me what you think!
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I sat on the brown sofa in the staff room, my eyes gazing blankly without an aim at the small coffee table before me. It was as though I was trying to look through it, but I was only struggling silently with the now pressing urges within me.
My fingers slowly retreated to the nub in my right pocket, stroking the blade from above the fabric of my denim. I breathed out soundly and shut my eyes tightly, telling myself that it wasn’t the right solution. I shouldn’t do it.
Just this once, a voice assured in my head.
It was my own voice, my own thoughts that I mostly heard clearly when it came to that blade or any other.
No, I pressed silently and shook my head in refusal. I couldn’t throw eight days down the drain, and only trade them for a few minutes of distraction! What would I do after that? Start over? I unclenched my fingers and forced them to rest on my knee.
But it might be worth it, right? I asked myself. I earned that distraction after restraining myself for eight days! It was so painful and almost impossible for me to stare at that blade every night and ban my hands to reach for it. How tiring was it to put the covers over my head and count numbers in a loud voice or think about unimportant things so I could stop wanting that blade so badly.
After such a hard work, I might actually award myself just a little. My thought was accompanied by my fingers crawling back to my pocket, while the other hand clutched to my knee, struggling to me to stop abiding for my urges. But again, it would be just this once; some little distraction would even be useful.
No! The voice screamed in my head, stopping my fingertips before they touched the blade. I couldn’t any more recognize my will from… Dear God, I was going mad! They were both my will: I wanted to slice myself open and I still didn’t want to do it.
Don’t do it. You’ll regret it, you know that!
The argument went on and on to an exhausting point, moving my fingers back and forth without one clear decision made, while I wondered in the room and tried to convince myself of either desire. I wanted the ninth days- I wanted to scratch it off the calendar on my wall.
I was always so proud of myself after those urges departed me, without having blood dripping from my body. I would be so proud, but such logical reason was being raced by my lust and even though I knew I could put the competition to an end by simply throwing the blade away, it was still a very difficult act to do.
The pleadings of fulfillment proceeded until the very second when the winner was announced.
I sealed my lips in a tight line and watched the blade dragging a stream of blood along my arm. The sound of my breathing grew louder and my eyes closed tightly. They didn’t close in relief or even in pain, but closed in resentment at myself and hatred to my very body.
Guilt rose in my chest the next second that the knife entered my flesh, not giving me one instant of relief. I hated myself just at the moment and my teeth gritted, in disbelief that I just withdrew eight long days for exactly one second of distraction. One second!
One second, for two hundred hours.
One second!
My chest rose and fell and my skin stung intensely, but I didn’t stop. I moved from one spot to another, not trying to ignore my guilt, but still searching for relief. Still wanting to forget Selim and my mother. It did nothing more than rising my pain, crumbling my stomach and spinning my head. And it was at the end of the third blooded line that my cheeks were wet with warm tears.
Now, look what you’ve done. How could you do that to yourself?
My inhales were shaken and I rested against the wall, while I stared down at my arm through my blurred vision. I was neither weeping over my mother, nor Selim, but I was mourning over my strong will I thought I was building through the past days. I thought I was becoming stronger, but even my self-respect couldn’t help but weaken and soon to vanish with every falling drop of blood. Now the eight days were as though never existed.
I moaned out weakly in regret and hit my head against the wall behind me, before the door flung open and stole my breath from my tight lungs.
“Oh my God!” Aurora’s breathless shriek followed her gasp when she laid eyes on my arm. She covered her mouth with her small hands and stared at me with eyes almost as wide as mine.
We stared at each other in surprise, dumbfounded for two completely different reasons. Stupid! I yelled at myself silently and threw the blade across the room, causing her to gasp and turn swiftly to leave the room.
“Wait!” I pressed in a hushed, but husky voice, careful that no one would hear me yelling. “Come in and close the door,” I ordered in a shaken voice.
I could hear her fast breathing, while she slowly closed the door again and rested the palm of her hand on its wooden length, refusing to face me. How stupid was I? Was I that lustful to forget that I could be discovered in a place like this?
Idiot! I held my hair tightly, trying to think of the right thing to do then, while the blood trickled along my arm. She could leave right there and then and speak to everyone about the horrors she just witnessed.
I approached her swiftly and held her arm to spin her around. The sound of her crying loudened once she faced me and her shoulders shook repeatedly with every sob, but her head remained bowed.
“You will not tell anybody about this, no one!” I was still holding her thin arm, tightening my grasp while she tried to tug it away.
“Let me go,” she breathed. “Please, let me go, please.”
She looked up at me, her eyes streaming lines and lines of tears along her blushed cheeks. Her nose was red and her shaken lips uttered a sob every two seconds.
“Why are you crying for?!” I urged and shook her arm, but that only made her break down faster. “I’m not going to hurt you!”
“Let me go, let my arm go,” she repeated again and again between her sobs, her phrases turning hysterical, as though she knew no more words than those.
I didn’t want her to cry and I didn’t mean to make her cry, but I was surprised for seeing her in that moment. I hated her for catching me like that, but her tears made me feel even guiltier and so I hated her even more intensely.
“I’m not… going to… to,” she paused and bowed her head again to wipe her tears when I let her go. Once she parted her eyes from mine, I wiped my wet cheeks swiftly, before she looked up again. “I promise, I promise. I won’t tell anyone. Please believe… believe me, please.”
I looked down at her and didn’t know the pity I felt was dedicated to me or her. She looked at me and pleaded again and again, as though she was crying for her own life while I held a knife to her thin neck. She pressed a hand on her chest and vowed without an end to never spill my secret.
“Stop crying,” I whispered, having no strength to utter any louder than that. “I won’t hurt you,” I promised.
She gave me two shaken nods and looked down at my arm, then her tears returned again when she looked down at the three lines that I almost forgot about.
I turned instantly to conceal my bleeding arm.
“Leave,” I mouthed in one long syllable. How could I let anyone see me in such a state? Such a pathetic state?
It was another second before I was alone again.

Hi there!

This is really entertaining! I don't know if it's part of a larger work, with your description at the top of the story, but you can read it just fine without any context information. In fact the context actually confused me more.

Anyways, you tackled emotion beautifully here. Every thing you said in the beginning was gold, even though by the end you got a little repetitive, so you might want to check on that. I think it's good to repeat certain things, but repeating over and over again the guilt he feels, even though we don't know what it is, since you never clear it up (and if you did I didn't catch it). After a few times of reading that same idea over and over, written exactly the same, I drifted. But it's alright, because you got me back.

That's another thing thing I loved about this. At first, I thought there was a little too much emotional ranting and not enough interactions between the character and other things. All I saw was the character curled into a ball in a dark room talking to himself in the first part of this. But then you complimented it with the perfect amount of dialogue and exciting plot that I forgot all about the beginning being a little wordy. Amazing composition.

The only real nitpick I have is the girl's initial reaction. I see no reason why she should be scared, other than the fact that he has a knife in his hand, I suppose. But I think that she should be a little concerned. This, of course, is only how she should react if she has any connection to him. If they don't know each other, then leave it as is. But if they have some sort of connection then she definitely needs to have a stronger reaction. Just think of how you'd feel if you saw someone you knew bleeding on his/her arm with a knife in his hand. I would try to help - though cautiously and from afar.

Anywho, awesome story and a joy to read! I look forward to reading more of your things!

Classy

" stroking the blade from above the fabric of my denim" This is phrased a bit oddly. Maybe say it a little more simply? Something like "feeling the flat of the blade through the denim" maybe?

"while I wondered in the room" Wandered.

Interesting, the conflict in this character...

"My inhales were shaken" Inhalations? Or maybe you could use a simpler word. Breaths?

I saw a few misspellings, a missing word here and there. Make sure you proofread. One tip I've heard a lot is to read it out loud. You'll catch more of your errors that way, and if something sounds wrong, you can fix it.

Like Classy mentioned, the girl's reaction seemed odd to me, too. She might be scared at first, but more surprised than anything. If she's scared enough to start running away, I didn't think she would stop, even if he 'ordered' her to and he put the knife away. And wouldn't she be more concerned for him than worried about her own safety? Wanting to get him help or something? I don't have much experience with cutting (none, firsthand) but generally when a person cuts, isn't it because they have problems? It doesn't necessarily mean he's going to turn on her, and that's a big conclusion to jump to on her part. Maybe it fits more in context with the rest of the story, but... *shrug* I really don't know, since at this point I'm not even sure of the setting. Some kind of lounge area, sure, but I was also confused by the line of context you gave us at the start. Assassins > Office Lounge > Main character seems really intense and scary-ish... I'm not really sure where they are. :/ I think this would probably make more sense if I had the rest of the story, but yeah.

All in all, not a bad start. I liked the way you got into the MC's head, and I think you have some good conflict and tension building. The girl's reaction needs some work, and some parts of this might be confusing without the rest of the story to look off of. Proofread. Sometimes your sentences are worded a bit confusingly... Try reading it aloud. And yeah, that's about it. ^^ Nice start, lots of potential.

Keep writing.

I think this was very well done, and I certainly enjoyed reading it. I think the strongest thing about this piece is the unusual presentation. For instance, the inner debate at the beginning is something that is not very often seen at the start of a story. This you pulled off quite well, allowing the reader to get a glimpse inside the thoughts of your charecter. Make sure to keep up this same level of charecter development and deep exploration into your charecter's minds in your other works.
Additionally, the fact that someone who cuts themself, i.e. someone who is not very stable, is having a debate between their rational and appetitive sides. One would assume that a person that messed up is ruled entirely by the animalistic side, but to the reader's surprise, she has a reletively strong rational side.
I also liked how well you made the reader empathize with both charecters, something that is very difficult to do, even for experienced writers. I was simultaniously feeling sorry for the main charecter and the poor girl who stumbled upon her, and this is an incredible feat of charecter development.
Keep up the good writing, and focus on your strengths.
Your friend,
---Psudiname

As classy and silent have already mentioned, the character's self-castigation and guilt felt a bit repetitive because there was so much, and it wasn't until almost halfway that you revealed what he was struggling about. That's a bit too long, in my opinion, especially with the lengths you went to conceal what exactly the urges were and why he felt guilty about giving into them (I actually thought it might have been going out and killing something from how things were being drawn out).

Cutting down the amount of time spent on rehashing his guilt and struggle would be one thing you could do to make it feel less repetitious; another would be to reveal what he is conflicted about doing earlier so you don't wear on your readers' patience by leading them on for longer than might be needed.

Some other things I noticed: you had a number of misspellings scattered throughout, as well awkward phrasings. For instance, in the title, I'm fairly sure "abnoxious" should be "obnoxious", and "a voice assured in my head" read oddly because "assured" essentially means "confirmed", which doesn't quite fit the context.

Closer proofreading will help you catch these things; as silent already mentioned, reading things aloud will help you spot oddities in your writing.

One last thing: it might be a good idea to go back through and add the BBCode formatting to make the thoughts easier to read. Right now, because they're not italicized, they blend into the rest of the text, and it took me a second read through to pick out where the thoughts ended and the tags began. Adding in the formatting will make this much easier to read.

Hey there Gheala!

Wow! It is very rare that I'm not first or second here. Let me take a moment to compose myself *breathes in*

Ok. I'm good.

You know how much of a fan I am of yours, right? And I'm always honest. Well, I can honestly say that this isn't my favourite chapter.

In itself, it was good. But because you're posting more often, I'm starting to get a good grip on your characters. Considering how helpful Aurora was last time, why would she turn away? I mean, she knows he's not doing well, but my first thought would probably be that it was an accident, or that someone inflicted that wound on him. Not that he'd done that to himself and that he might also hurt me.

So, what now? Is there something I was missing in between chapters?

I guess my biggest issue here is with Julius. What made him snap? Why would he cut himself, considering how much pain he felt when watching Selim to it to himself? Where was the thought process? When did he learn that Selim was an assassin and is that what shoved him off the edge?

I was reading and kept asking myself these questions. Usually, I don't. Which means that this chapter needs some tweaking. I still love Julius and want to learn more from Aurora.

All in all the chapter was pretty good but I definitely know you would word it better.

Keep up the great work!

Tanya

Thank you very much, everybody! Each and every one of you is right!
When I reread this thing, I realized that Aurora wasn't really Aurora there, if you know what I mean. @.@ I realized that I've been forcing the last two chapters into my novel, against my characters' will.

It's true that Aurora will definitely be worried about him, not because she likes him (She hasn't fallen for him yet) but because she worries about everyone. So, why would she ever be scared like that? Surprised? That doesn't mean, she should be crying for her life, while he was going to do nothing to harm her.

While I was writing this chapter... No, when I was writing the TWO chapters, I felt uneasy and uncomfortable and it turned out because I put the wrong reactions and emotions there. No wonder I spent ten days writing the twenty pages of the fifteenth chapter!!
Tanya, when you say you're a fan of what I write, you steal my breath away and put a stupid smile on my face!
Yea, there was a strong reason why Julius would return to his cutting. He saw Selim about to kill a poor guy in a dark alley and Selim swore to Julius that the man is a rapist (It doesn't seem that lame in the scene, I assure you!) Julius didn't believe him, screamed at him and left, only wanting to put his fury and confusion in something. So, he cuts himself.
But I do admit, I did write the whole thing rather weakly. That happens when I'm not sure about the piece I'm writing.

Thank, thank you!! Thank you a lot! I'd have been miserable without your advices, guys!

Okay, so, firstly, I wanted to apologize for taking way too long on this. It's long story, but I'm here now!

So, firstly, you move really fast. Slow down, let your characters breathe a bit. I couldn't get a true sense of what was going on in the scene, you go in deeper with little details and description, which will suck your reader into the scene. (but this may be because I haven't read any other parts of your story. I was also a tad confused, but that also may be because of the same reason.)

You also need to go deeper into your emotions and what your characters are feeling. You are a strong writer, so don't be afraid to hold back from what I can tell is a highly emotional scene.

Good luck on your future writing endeavors
~WickedWonder

Wow. This was extremely well done. I was able to dive into the story headfirst, and, I believe this was mentioned before, too, I didn't need any context. There was only one part that confused me a little bit when I first read it.

I couldn’t any more recognize my will from…

The wording here was just a little bit odd. Maybe try "I couldn't recognize my will anymore from...." or just leave anymore out. It just seemed like you placed it in an odd spot. Overall, though, I didn't notice any grammatical errors, and this was extremely well written and very detailed. Well done!

Gheal!

Holy moly, this took me forever to get to, didn't it? Well, as I said hundreds of times to you already, I might be late but I'll be sure to get it done, right? Anyway, sorry for the lateness, let's begin!

So like everyone has already mentioned, the beginning was a bit too much self-ranting with Jules. Also quite repetitive. Yeah, after the first two-three paragraphs, I understood what he meant and where he was going with his thoughts but you dragged it on a little bit more than it should have been so that should be cut down a little, I suppose. lol.

However, it's nicely written and your voice is pretty solid. We can tell you know what kind of character Julius is. The only thing is, that sometimes you know him too well! And that means you drag his emotions on a little too much, I know from experience! XD Don't worry, you'll see it more after you go back and re-read things.

On another note, I dislike the fact that he called himself idiot and stupid in the beginning. Yeah, he's angry with himself but can't help himself either, he's prone to habit and distraction but it seemed repetitive again, lol. Easy fix, thought - right?

Aurora's reaction was as expected, I know what kind of character she is so I knew she'd probably do something silly and naive like what she did there. She's a hard character to get used to at first but I'm sure that after people realize that she's really weak and righteous to the point to irritation, they'll get used to her. XD Yes, she does irritate me sometimes! XD lolol :3

Overall, this is good and I do like his reaction to finding out that his "brother" in a sense was an assassin. Poor, poor Julius. Don't worry, man, times will get better for you! *insert smiley face here*
Sorry if this review is a bit suckish, I haven't been reviewing anything in the last two months but I'm trying to pick up my speed on things. Yours was first on the list of things to do!

Let me know if you need anything and keep writing with whatever time you have!

-Pink