Young Writers Society

First entry, supposed to be the beginning to a short story. The idea is that it's a speech that somebody is remembering being told, hence why it's in second person. I know it's not perfect, very short and needs work, but i thought I'd go ahead and post it.

You need to stop sometimes, think, take a second. Those patronizing voices echoing selfishly inside your head- they're not real, you've made them up. Stop punishing yourself for a sin you haven't committed. Eventually the guilt will seep through every inch of your body; every muscle, every vein, every cell. You'll do it without thinking. You'll let go of the rope, pull the trigger or take the jump, and once it's done there's no way back.

Give me some feedback? xo

very interesting. You have a good style of writing, which i think others will enjoy. keep it up =)

Hi there!

This is so sad, and so menacing at the same time. I can totally see a helper to a main character saying this, someone perhaps with some magical ability, someone who's older and will help your main character on their 'quest.'

There's not much I can say about this except for that I think you should make it a bit longer! The ending is very vague and doesn't live up to the rest if it. You should have something more terrifying and more intense. Something, possibly, that if your main character makes this mistake they will die an uncertain death. A death so horrible he won't be able to forget it even when he has no soul left to remember. Something ultra-fantasy like, you know? I don't know, I'm a fantasy geek and I'm not afraid to go full-out nerd with my stories. xD

I'd like to see more of this story! Post more!

Classy

Hey Jess, I hope you are enjoying it here. This is pretty short so it will be a bit hard for me to review. First here are some nitpicks:

You need to stop sometimes, think, take a second. Those patronizing voices echoing selfishly inside your head- they're not real,This should be a semi colon ' ; ' you've made them up. Stop punishing yourself for a sin you haven't committed. Eventually, Add a comma here. the guilt will seep through every inch of your body; every muscle, every vein, every cell Having the semi colon isn't correct. You could do it like ' of your body. Every muscle. Every vein. Every cell. ' to add affect.. You'll do it without thinking. You'll let go of the rope, pull the trigger, I added a comma or take the jump, and once it's done there's no way back.

Overall this was pretty good, but I would need to see more to give a real opinion. I don't think this would make a good start of a book though. I always hate books that start with dialogue or even the remembrance of dialogue. It seems like something you would find in the meat of the story anyway.

I hope I helped,

A. S.

Good job. Sorry I don't have much input but I like this opening. I see great potential and I like your style of writing.