Young Writers Society

Hello YWS, this a story wrote by my friend. He doesn't have a computer so I posted it for him. Critique away!

I hear the rush of the wind, as we ride in a military Humvee. Tears stream down my face, leaving little traces of water trails, wiping the dirt off my face, as I think of the last time that I will see Ghost. But this was only a memory of a time when I was alive. I remember running down a hill with vital information from Makarov’s safe-house, shooting at anything that moves. Ghost, by my side, gives me covering fire to make the plan work. But something went wrong. I watched as three Spetznaz come out of the bushes, tackling Ghost. Ghost could only hold them off for so long. I pulled out my Desert Eagle, hoping to blast every one of those damn bastards to hell.
OOMPH I was tackled on my blind side, by two Spetz.
“You fuckers,” I screamed, as I picked up my gun.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Two shots for each Spetz. I placed two well aimed shots in the head on one, and the other only vitally wounded him. One shot to his leg, and one to his arm.

“Stay there” I sprinted down to Ghost hoping that he was still alive.

“GHOST!!!.” I screamed as I saw him being dragged into the woods. I yelled in anguish as I came running to him. CRACK!! Bright red blood oozed from the Spetz face, as I clocked him in the face. I turned around and kicked the other Spetz in the stomach. He doubled over, careening on his side.

“Now, how do you like it, you fucker!?” I pulled out my Desert Eagle and said, “This is for my country and people.”
BOOM!!! This was a shot heard only up to the house, not around the world. The body fell over, blood surrounding his body as it poured from the gunshot wound in his head.

“Come here Ghost,” I said as I hauled him up to his feet so he could lean on my shoulder.

“Thanks Roach,” was the response that followed.

“Can’t leave a man behind, ya know,” I said, “There’s the rendezvous point. Let’s go. We’re almost there.”
We traveled down the hill, slowly, but making progress. Ghost got better and finally... we made it. The ‘copter was still running, as General Sheperd came out.

“Good work you to. You put up one hell of a fight,” said Sheperd.

“Thanks, Sheperd,” I said.

“Here let me help you.” Sheperd took Ghost out of my hands and lifted him up, “Let’s go.”

I started to go to the helicopter, and as I did, I looked behind me to see if Ghost was okay. As I did, Sheperd pulled out his gun and shot Ghost in the heart.

“There, now you won’t have to worry about him, Roach,” Sheperd said.

“You bitch,” I pulled out my Scar-H and was just about to fire, but Sheperd was quick. He put his arm around me and pulled the trigger. The world went black.

I woke up a while later to see Sheperd's henchmen, pouring something over mine and Ghost’s bodies. I watched as Sheperd smoked a cigar. “Later, Roach.”

The world went up in flames.

'Allo! I came to review :3

I don't like the tensity of curse words very much because I feel it ruins a good book if all the curse language they're going to say is the F-word and (say out loud) beach. There are a lot more insults rather than those words, just saying.

OOMPH I was tackled on my blind side, by two Spetz.

Instead of make sound effect, might as well describe it. Don't forget the ! for the OOMPH.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Two four shots for each Spetz. I placed two well aimed shots in the head on one, and the other only vitally wounded him. One shot to his leg, and one to his arm.

BANG sounds more like a gun rather than BOOM because BOOM sounds like an explosion. There are four BOOMs but it said that he had two shots for each Spetz. Then your friend multiplied it to four.

"Stay there[.]” I sprinted down to Ghost hoping that he was still alive.

Period.

“GHOST!!![.]” I screamed as I saw him being dragged into the woods.

There's a random period among the three exclamation mark for some reason. I actually though Spetz were like... forest trolls or something until I searched it up. It be nice if he (your friend) gave an explanation without us having to google it.

“Now, how do you like it, you fucker!?” I pulled out my Desert Eagle and said, “This is for my country and the/my people.”

Them F-words Choose either the or my.

“Here let me help you.” Sheperd took Ghost out of my hands and lifted him up[,][.] “Let’s go.”

I started to go to the helicopter, and as I did, I looked behind me to see if Ghost was okay. As I did, Sheperd pulled out his gun and shot Ghost in the heart.

Why did Sheperd suddenly killed Ghost for no reason at all? WHY??!! D;

Overall, it was confusing, kicking us in the middle of... I don't even know what's going on. Or unless let me try to revise it. Ghost got caught in the woods, Roach saved Ghost, then Sheperd killed Ghost D:

... I'm sorry, I was thinking of MW2 for some reason.
It wasn't a bad story, wasn't good either. It's in the ehhh... section. I give him a point for making it a military type story though :] I love military type story.

I kind of agree with OOP, it's definitely in the "ehhh" section.

first of all, It's "Spetsnaz" not "Spetznaz".
Secondly, How do highly trained special force units just not see or hear a 100-200 pound soldier sprinting at them while screaming in anguish? They are, as I like to call them, Russian Ninjas basically.

I remember running down a hill with vital information from Makarov’s safe-house, shooting at anything that moves. Ghost, by my side, gives me covering fire to make the plan work.

I'm not sure if you or your friend is aware, but covering fire (or supressing fire) is used to keep the enemy behind cover. Since you can't shoot while being shot at. It's called covering fire because when they supress the enemy, soldiers use this opportunity to move to a better position. So my question is this, "How can it be covering fire if he's right next to me and we're not moving?"

But something went wrong. I watched as three Spetsnaz come out of the bushes, tackling Ghost. Ghost could only hold them off for so long. I pulled out my Desert Eagle, hoping to blast every one of those damn bastards to hell.

I've got 3 problems with this segment.
1. If they were in the bushes, and had clear line of sight to you and your partner, then why would they engage physically? Why not just gun you down? If they were trying to take one of you hostage, they can easily shoot to incapacitate instead of kill.
2. Why only go after ghost? As I mentioned before, the spetsnaz are special forces, they plan extremely well. They would have no trouble dispatching 2 lone soldiers, and they also wouldn't just bum-rush in like they did and only go for one person. If the goal is to capture one or both, why only go after one and leave the other to cap you in the head? It just doesn't make sense
3. My philosophy is: "If you're going to swear, swear correctly"
This applies to the phrase "damn bastards". Technically, it should be "Damned bastards" since damn is a verb. Even then, the "damn" or "damned" is completely unnecessary and just sounds awkward. I understand it's to add more of an impact to the sentence and all, but it would work out just as well if not better with simple "bastards"

There are many more plotholes and things that just don't make sense, but with these main things covered, I think that you can see what I'm saying and fix the rest.

Overall, It's a good idea, but it needs better exectution.

“Stay there” I sprinted down to Ghost hoping that he was still alive.

Your friend needs to have "Stay there," I yelled as I sprinted down to Ghost hoping he was still alive.

“GHOST!!!.” I screamed

Here he doesn't need a period with three exclamation points. I'd only put one exclamation point. One does the job! Also, a period after I screamed (unless I just forgot to quote it.

I have to also agree with the other reviewers, needs some work on grammar and language. While most war games and war movies involve language, this is a short story. I'd use more bad words if you're going to use the F word. Using it too much kind of kills it - badly kills it. Tell your friend to keep in mind this isn't a video game but a short story so make it more realistic.

He is doing well with the imagery and I can see myself there.

This piece is "ehh" to me. I could read more, but it doesn't bother me if I don't see anymore with this story. Would like to, but either way, it's ehh. Reminded me of playing Black Ops (yes a girl who plays Black Ops).