Young Writers Society

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I have a question. Is this suppose to be part of a bigger story? I think this here was an interesting read. Although, it felt as though some ends were left untied.

I read your notes at the beginning and end of the piece. The first was helpful because you explained the scene that was taking place. Had you not included that note to the reader, I think I might've been a bit confused on some things. So maybe instead of having the note at the beginning, you could try better incorporating that information, so that it just all makes sense and becomes a whole.

And as for the ending, I think the final sentence was good. But I also think there shouldv'e been a bit more to the ending than a great final sentence. Include whatever else was meant to be there. You mentioned something in a note at the end. Include whatever you think will help this piece. I found such great potential in it as a finished product, and would like to see it finalized and pretty.

You did a fantastic job evoking feelings. The emotion was very much present. Kudos to that. I appreciate this in stories especially. Some people have trouble locating the proper emotion for their piece, but I can see you've done a fine job of expressing it here. One area I'd like to point out is this here:

It was one Friday night, the 26th of June when he had that scar on his arm. It was a few days after he accompanied me to California to bury my mother. Avoiding any connection with my father, we stayed in my mother’s house in Los Angeles. 

You say "when he had that scar on his arm." This confused me in a sense that when you were telling the story as a memory from the past, I was thinking he'd already had the scar. I didn't think you were telling the story of when he got it. So maybe you should alter this part to something like "when he first got the scar" It would seem more appropriate I think.

Other than that, I like this piece you have here. I found it interesting and enjoyable to read. Keep up the great work.

Thank you!! I'm so very extremely glad you liked it!
As an answer to your question: Yes, this is a piece from a bigger story. You're right about the beginning and that only the note clarified the plot before you read, surely! But I did clarify it earlier in the chapter. It's just that I didn't want to bother people with a ten page read, so I posted only three pages of the eight pages I actually wrote So, don't you worry about that- it's clarified in the big story!

Let me tell you how amazing your are! ... You're amazing! I was wondering about how good or BAD I was in showing emotions in that specific piece. I do know how important it is, maybe even more important than having a good plot. You answered my question perfectly and I do thank you for the praise! I think your "The emotion was very much present" stopped my heart for a second. Thank you for saying that and remembering to point that out.

And you're right about that paragraph. I did think it wasn't satisfying, but obviously ignored that righteously placed thought. I'll rewrite it!!
Thank you so much for that review. I truly appreciate it from the now happiest place in my heart! Thank you!

Hey there Gheala!

He rushed towards me and I thought he would throw a fist to my face, but the next thing I knew was my hand being empty of the tiny weapon that symbolized my salvation.

What I put in bold is an awkward turn of phrase. Maybe just saying that the next thing he knew, his hand was empty. Or something.

My heart thumbed loudly in my ears and my body shook intensely, repulsed and afraid for him.

Not sure what you mean by thumbed. Did you mean thumped?

He whispered words of comfort with a thick voice, while his hands turned to fists against my back, barely managing to hold his own tears

Okay, last sentence. Needs a period for starters

My biggest issue is with how you say Selim barely managed to hold back his tears. Well, your mc is in first person, how can he know that Selim was holding back tears? Was he making a high pitched keening noise? Was he stomach contracting with the effort?

I thought this was great, Gheala, and with every chapter I love Selim just a little more. It's obvious you love him very much also. I just want to caution you: don't let your mc fade in Selim's huge shadow. He needs to be his own man, at some point.

Also, I really as confused as Smylin was at the beginning when you spoke of the scar, then without really showing us the who or the what, we saw how the scar was made. Just want you to keep an eye on that.

Thank you for requesting this. You're getting better with every chapter. You put lots of effort in this story and it's showing clearly through your love for your characters. Thanks for the request!

Tanya

I think Tanya and Smylin have good points, but I'm going to discuss the subject matter with you. I know we've already discussed this in chat, I just want to get my point across.

Imagine being depressed enough to cut yourself. If someone you love hurt themselves because you did the same to yourself, you would feel desperate and terrible. You got that bit correct. However, that wouldn't make you stop, especially if you respect the one you love like your MC respects Selim. It's very likely you would cut elsewhere in an effort to hide it, especially because, on top of your depression, you're now causing problems for the ones you love.

My only real issue is that the result isn't probable. Otherwise, nice job. ^^

Good point, Annie!

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