Young Writers Society

March, 2034

You can never quite prepare for the end. Imagine your normal life, however monotonous or dreary it might have been, and destroy it. All those little luxuries you took for granted gone without a trace; not just mortal coils like hot water or food to eat; but basic human interaction. A hug, a kiss, a freakin' handshake are nought but distant memories.

That was one thing I hadn't accounted for. After the initial attacks, I had thought I had been smart gathering supplies and utilities while others clung to their family and friends. Now I'm all alone out here in the desert; the closest I get to other human life is the occasional picture on one of the few billboards still standing on this never-ending high-way.

I suppose it's just some cruel joke to some-one out there. I could just imagine the conversation; Hey Bill, you know what would be hilarious? Let's take some poor bastard and throw him in a desert, and replace every other human with hideous mutants?

What made it worse is that I kept telling myself I deserved it. I had actually came up with a pretty decent argument after a couple of months talking to myself. I must have upset God, Or Satan or Buddha or whoever the hell controlled the universe and upset him horribly. I had worked at a bar in down-town Las Vegas, and had had my fair share of nights that turned into blurs in my memory. What if I did some-thing that caused this mayhem, what if I was the one that caused the creation of the Bugs?

This was the topic that dominated my mind; like some looming dark cloud hovering over an empty landscape. Oops, just described my situation. I shouldered my backpack, and took off sprinting. My feet slapped the sandy asphalt through my worn soles. Over head the dark storm clouds rumbled, threatening to unleash their acidic rain upon me. Maybe I should stay out here on the infinite road that had become my hell. I could let my mortal coil be washed away will all my cares and worries.

That's when the buzzing starts. An insectile hum that resonates off every part of your head and makes your ears bleed. I tried clawing at my head; trying to end the buzzing. Somewhere along this dreaded road all my sense of humanity had been shed. Now I was merely an animal. Words to describe things fell. Soon everything was...was....

Danger! Danger! Hard, buzzing, bloody! Strange! Twisted! Bug! Bug! Bugs! I flapped my arms as the once-human monsters swarmed me; drowning me in their despised buzz. Mandibles extended from where mouths were previously. Skin had been replaced for shells and fuzz. Eyes had become large black orbs; thirsty for flesh. My flesh.

I broke through the crowd off insects and took off sprinting down the road. The back-pack was torn off my body by the greedy jaws of an Ant, insectile wings beat my head and shoulders; their owners producing more and more of that buzz. A man hopped alongside me with the legs of a grasshopper, a woman with the head and arms of a praying mantis clawed at my ribs. A child of no more than eight slithered along on a thousand clattering little legs. What kind of world was this? Why would anyone want to remain here?

Then, just as soon as it all began everything stopped. I grinned. The buzz was gone. Come to think of it, I couldn't hear anything. The grasp of the insects was gone; though now I could't feel a thing. In confusion I looked around and saw that the congregation had backed off. Why? Then my head lowered and noticed the six-foot scorpion tail protruding in a bloody swath from my chest. My vision darkened at the corners. So this was how it all ended.

When we think of our deaths we either feel compelled to prevent it, or accept it if we can die with meaning. Hadn't somebody written a poem about that? Something about fire and ice; would you rather live forever and change nothing, or exist for a heart-beat and change the world irreversibly? Neither seemed appealing. To watch these hideous monsters destroy my world, or to change them back and leave the human race at the mercy of an unforgiving environment created by there animalistic alter forms.

Then my vision was gone and I was left to my thoughts. I tried to find meaning in these last few moments. I'm sure anyone on Earth could. Maybe that's why I had survived so long; to end the last thoughts of the human race with an unhappy tone. Oh well.

June, 2035

A lone figure was left on the high-way. A body of some man in his mid-thirties. He had a hole gorged in his chest, and had tied with a smile on his face. Weird bastard. Suddenly there was a twitch in one eye, then the other. His fingers flexed and his lips parted slightly. Slowly, as if fearing some sudden assault his eyes creaked open. For a moment they were as yours or mine. Then a strange black haze took over. Soon the man was ambling down the highway once more; his eyes were glassy obsidian orbs. His stomach was empty. It was time to feed.

Hi!

I really liked this. I love how creepy it got at the end, and how you hinted at what was to come with the bugs. That idea of coming back to life, but losing what makes you a person and becoming a monster is pretty disturbing and I think you got that side of it across really well. It's a bit like zombies, I suppose, but way more interesting and original. I like how the MC had a strong personality coming through the narration, as well.

Still, I do think there are some things you could change to improve this. One thing I noticed about this story is that the narration is a bit of a strange jumble of old fashioned, poetic language and modern colloquialisms. For example, in the first paragraph you've got

All those little luxuries you took for granted gone without a trace; not just mortal coils like hot water or food to eat; but basic human interaction. A hug, a kiss, a freakin' handshake are nought but distant memories.

Here you've got 'mortal coils' which according to wikipedia derives from 16th century English, and you've got 'naught' which is likewise very old-fashioned, and then there's 'freakin'' which is modern and the kind of thing a teenager nowadays might say. I suppose it's possible that it was a deliberate decision to juxtapose these but it seems to me more like you couldn't decide between flowery prose or modern-sounding narration, so decided to smush them together, and... I'm not sure it really works. I think this story would work better if you chose either one or the other and stuck with that. I personally would get rid of the old words, which sound anachronistic and kind of purple prosey, and keep with the more direct,relatable, modern teenage style. Especially because this is set in the future, so using archaic language seems at odds with the setting of the story.

Also, the narration switches between past tense and present a lot. It's almost all in past tense, except for the part where you stop retelling how the MC came to be in the desert and go into the current action, and then some of it's in present tense:

After the initial attacks, I had thought I had been smart gathering supplies and utilities while others clung to their family and friends. Now I'm all alone out here in the desert; the closest I get to other human life is the occasional picture on one of the few billboards still standing on this never-ending high-way.

You've could have it all in present tense from this point on, but since most of it's in past it would probably be easier to change the present tense verbs to past.

This was the topic that dominated my mind; like some looming dark cloud hovering over an empty landscape. Oops, just described my situation.

To me the 'oops, just described my situation' transition from musing into action is too sudden and a bit jarring. I think it could work if you rephrased, but 'oops' is oddly cheery, and doesn't work for me. 'Speaking of which' or 'coincidentally' might work better maybe.

So, as I said earlier, I really like how creepy it gets at the end. If anything, I think you're holding off a bit there. I mean, this is a person getting devoured by human-bug-monsters. So many opportunities for horror!
You don't have to go full on gory though. I just think that right now the narrator goes to calm acceptance of their fate a bit too quickly. Wouldn't they feel pain? Fear? There's room for a lot more emotion in this part.

The bit at the end, with "His stomach was empty. It was time to feed." was one of my favourite parts and I love that it ended in that way. I'm not sure why it took a whole four months for him to turn into one of the creatures though. Surely his body would have rotted away by then? Or was that part of the point? I think in some ways it might work better if the change was an instantanious thing, if we actually had it from his POV, so we had his becoming nothing more than an eating machine in 1st person. That might be pretty cool. But on the other hand, this also works well, so, yeah. It's your story after all. XD

For a moment they were as yours or mine.

confuses me a bit, because it seems a bit like it's stayed in 1st person and it's the MC describing someone else, but I'm pretty sure it's not... Possibly you should get rid of the 'mine' because, like I say, it's confusing to change to a new narrator who also refers to themselves.

I also think that the bit about dying with a smile on his face is a nice touch, but would have more of an effect if we actually saw exactly why he was smiling while it's still in 1st person. Looking at

Maybe that's why I had survived so long; to end the last thoughts of the human race with an unhappy tone.

there isn't really any indication of him smiling as he dies, so that's a bit unexpected. It would be nice to think that he did find something in his search for meaning, but the general impression from the rest of the story is that ultimately there isn't one, or it's been lost since the apocalypse came, so... It's okay for it to be a mystery, I suppose.

ANYWAY I'm kind of rambing and this review is ridiculously long already. I have a few small grammatical nitpicks:

I must of upset God

Should be 'must have'

to some-one out there

You can just write it as 'someone'.

some-thing

Usually written as 'something'.

, and had tied with a smile on his face

'Died'?

I flapped my arms as the once-human monsters swarmed me; drowning me in their despised buzz

A comma is needed here, not a semi-colon. You would use a semi-colon if it was two seperate clauses that were related, like "I flapped my arms as the once-human monsters swarmed me; they drowned me in their despised buzz" but because you have an ing in the second part of the sentence, describing something that the subject of the first part is doing, you use a comma.
Okay, my grammar explaining kind of sucks but hopefully that makes sense?

Overall, I think this story is already pretty awesome and it has the potential to be even better if you sort out the tenses and get rid of the 'mortal coil' type language, and maybe put some more description of the MC's feelings in at the bit where the creatures get him.

PM me if you have any questions or anything, and good luck with the contest!

EDIT: I wrote this all before Kiwi posted that review. Sorry if I repeat anything!


Hi there, Cam! Since I'm not knowledgeable enough to nominate you for a Storybook badge, I decided I should probably give you something I am somewhat qualified to give: a review. And I am glad I did! ^_~

More on that later, though. First I'm going to point out a few nit-picky things.

Let's take some poor bastard and throw him in a desert, and replace every other human with hideous mutants?

I don't think you need the question mark? Because that isn't really a question? I think? :D

I must of upset God, Or Satan or Buddha or whoever the hell controlled the universe and upset him horribly.

A few things: 1) that should be "must have" not "must of," 2) "or" before "Satan" shouldn't be capitalized, 3) there should be a comma after "universe," 4) why do you say that you upset him in the beginning of the sentence and then again at the end? If you were to take out the interjection, the sentence would read as "I must of upset God and upset him horribly." O.o

I could let my mortal coil be washed away will all my cares and worries.

You used the term "mortal coil" in the first paragraph as well. Is the repetition intentional? If so, I'm not sure I understand what you're going for. If not, I suggest you change it since "mortal coil" is sort of an unusual term, so it stands out.

That's when the buzzing starts.

Shouldn't this be in past tense?

Skin had been replaced for shells and fuzz.

I'd either say "swapped for" or "replaced with" For some reason "replaced for" sounds odd to me.

I broke through the crowd off insects and took off sprinting down the road.

Of.

Then, just as soon as it all began everything stopped.

There should be a comma after "began" since "just as soon as it all began" is an interjection.

When we think of our deaths we either feel compelled to prevent it, or accept it if we can die with meaning.

This is really quite nit-picky, but "it" doesn't really agree with "deaths." If you want to say "deaths" then you should say "them." If you want to say "it" then you should say "death."

To watch these hideous monsters destroy my world, or to change them back and leave the human race at the mercy of an unforgiving environment created by there animalistic alter forms.

Their.

He had a hole gorged in his chest, and had tied with a smile on his face.

Died.

His fingers flexed and his lips parted slightly. Slowly, as if fearing some sudden assault his eyes creaked open.

Again, "as if fearing some sudden assault" is an interjection, so there should be a comma after "assault."
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Nitpicks aside, I think this is a very strong piece. I like the fact that even though its apocalyptic and there are giant bugs and people getting killed, it's not an gore-packed action sequence. Instead, it's a monologue of sorts. A stream-of-consciousness narrative. It's almost like it's more about the character and how he reacts to the apocalypse than it is about the apocalypse itself. That's an interesting twist. I also loved the ending. It wasn't particularly unexpected or surprising, but the way you wrote it was really affecting. That final image of him rising up again after being dead for months and going off to find more humans to turn into monsters is really chilling. I found the description of his eyes particularly poignant--really, I have an image of them burned into my skull and I can't get rid of it. Well done.

I'm intrigued by the idea of the Bugs, but I am a little confused. From the ending, it seems like the Bugs probably eat people, or at least eat parts of people (oh, lovely!), right? And doing that makes the person turn into a Bug, right? But I'm confused because the bugs aren't really eating the people... I mean, there's a lot of flesh left over for when the person is reborn as a Bug. So the Bugs aren't really getting much of a meal, are they? And as more and more people are turned into Bugs, there are fewer and fewer people and more and more Bugs, so the Bugs are going to be getting more and more competitive for food. Right? So why wouldn't they just eat the whole person? Am I making any sense at all?

Of course, the whole "eating" thing could be more abstract than how I'm interpreting it. It could be like the Bugs feed off of the person's soul or that converting a human into a Bug feeds the Bugs on a spiritual sort of level... but from how you've written it, it seems more literal than that. Especially when you say that his stomach is empty and he needs to eat, because that is very physical and implies that he has physical hunger which will be satisfied by physical food.

As far as the contest is concerned, I have to say that this idea isn't terribly original. The human race being turned into some cannibalistic horde of giant mutant insects and taking over the world? Meh. It's been done before. It kind of feels like a quintessential apocalypse, actually. But I'm not saying your idea sucks and you should abandon it. Say an artist paints an outline of a face. It would be rather unoriginal, right? But once they add in to colors and details, that's when it comes alive and becomes something original which is particular to that artist. What I think you need to do is build off from here and add details and tangents that are unique.

For example, how did this all start? I doubt the main character just woke up one day to find the whole world overrun with Bugs. You mention a time where people were clinging to their families and he was collecting supplies, but I really don't get a clear picture of what that was like. That is still a little too unclear for my liking. There are other places, too, where you are just a bit too abstract for me to feel like the whole thing is real. You take a unique stance on the telling of the story, but all I can see of the story itself are the parts that aren't so unique. The outline. I'd like more detail other than the fact that there are giant mutant bugs taking over the planet. Then I will be able to see what makes this idea (rather than just this piece) unique.

I hope this helps! Send me a PM or write on my wall if you want to discuss anything I've brought up, okay?

Good luck with the contest. ^_~

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