Young Writers Society

The streets were barren as I ran, cold, fearful, and oblivious to my surroundings. My thoughts were frantic, livid, racing as I did. Every fiber of my being seemed to move faster, to be more alert than ever before. This darkness, this madness seemed to grasp me, and thrust me forward, into a state of illusion.
To think my best friend was now gone, now past on to the next life because of me, because of the fowl deed I committed. My rage ran rampant, my stupidity overtook my reason, and jealousy became my guide for those few moments my mind was lost.
Now as I ran I stopped, turning into an alleyway off the main street. This alley was dirty, and wet, dank and disgusting. Filth lined the walls, and rats and roaches crawled over everything, both living and dead. The smell rushed up my nose, its putrid smell dizzying me, creating a portal to another world. My head started to hurt as memories of the past began to spring forward, pelting the the walls of my mind like Roman artillery.
At this I fell to the ground, lower than the rats and roaches could ever reach. I felt as though I were dying, with no breath, no movement whatsoever. The only thing I could see was the light above me, dim, blinding me as my mind thrust itself into darkness, into the abyss of my reality.
When I awoke from my slumber in the future I was standing behind the shade that use to be me. I stood right behind this lost soul; his broad shoulders blocking my view of my friend's house.
“Jaccob! Jaccob! Come on! We're gonna be late. Hurry up!” my voice growled as I looked on, beginning to cry because I knew what was about to happen. The past me was naive, and ignorant. He was defined by his toughness, and anger. Jealousy guided him through life, and desire was his main ambition. He did everything on a whim, and had no insight as to what he would do in the future.
“Jaccob come on. Hurry up!” he said again, angrier this time, his rage building, like a volcano preparing to erupt.
“Hold on! I was just getting something!” Jaccob said form just inside the door. He stepped from behind its cover right after, onto the street that would be his last walk.
We left his small apartment, and began walking to nowhere in particular.
“What were we gonna be late for?” Jaccob asked as we walked down 6th street in the shadows the streetlights cast.
“Nothing. I just wanted to get moving. I always need to move now.” I said, smirking, my face shrouded by the shadows. This was probably best, for the past me had bad intentions in his heart. His mind was so devoid of conscience the words of a true friend, speaking from his heart could not pierce the growing ice around him.
“Why are you always in a rush?” my friend asked, truly concerned about my well being. We walked briskly in the shadows, along the sidewalk in the quiet night. I knew what was going to happen next. I was such an idiot that night, that I did not realize until now that he was talking about my entire life, my restless attitude, my self loathing.
That simple statement lit the fuse, and time was ticking away. I was a bomb, a destructive force ready to explode at any moment.
“I'm not always in a rush.” I said, the past me now teeming with rage. What could set off a person like that? I have no idea, but the next moment my friend would be gone. His last words echo through my mind still, their wise message, their caring nature.
“No I mean why are you always in a rush? Your life, your world. Man, I love you like a brother, even more than that maybe, but you honestly live in a world of fantasy. You are a child in some ways. I know you better than anyone ever has. I know your dark nature, and your naivety. Your rage is what guides you, and your jealousy. Believe me when I say I feel the darkness inside you,” he said as I wept, knowing what was to come, his fate, one he did not deserve,“and that you need to let that out. There are so many opportunities in this, and you just let them pass you by as we walk every night, and every day. What else is there for you? There is something, and it is far beyond the means of this forgotten town, and beyond the means of those who have held you down your entire life. But before you can leave this place, you must overcome your stupidity.” Jaccob said, looking straight at me as he finished his words.
From behind both of them I could see he could see my face through that shroud, that protection I thought I had. He eyes looked straight into that empty vessel that used to be me, and sincerely put his hand on my shoulder. At this my rage erupted into a frenzied attack. I watched in disgust as my body pummeled my friend, who did not scream, or fight back. My fists flew, my feet moved like lightning, and my my friends body cracked.
I cannot truly describe the horrors of my crime, but as I looked on, my mind began to fade again ,and it lost itself, thrust into oblivion once more.

I woke in the same alley, disgusting as before, but I was not lying in the same spot; I was standing over a body covered in blood, his blood. The alley was flooded with that sanguine liquid, once my salvation. But he lay in the light. His body had been twisted, contorted, and disfigured, beaten beyond recognition to most, but to me as I neared, I saw the face so clearly.
My heart sank, because the face of my friend was my own. I lay dead in that dim light, my past self, my fury, my hatred lay there too. This dirty alley is his. And forever will he lie here. How was I two? I viewed as a third, an omniscient figure, but how did I not see that I was my own worst nightmare, the rage inside of me lay dead by killing my logic. I am now nothing, but am everything at the same time.

Hey! Okay, so let me start off by saying, you are a really good writer. Your descriptive with a hint of mysterious, the kind of things that keep people reading. I really liked your story, I think you should add something else because as it is, its a little confusing. Some parts of your dialogue I couldn't really picture some one saying. Thats all! Please keep writing .

Hello!

I must say, I really liked your first few paragraphs, very well written. I understood the panic, the regret, the listlessness. I found it to be a very compelling start. However, after that, you kind of lost me.

I think it was because your main character was trying to be in two places at once. On the one hand, your MC is in the moment with your friend. On the other, he is removed from the scene, reflecting on it after the fact. The switch between these two perspectives, while I think they are equally valid, detracts from your piece. I would focus all your attention on one of these perspectives for the biggest impact. If you prefer the retroactive view, you could describe the scene as your future calmer MC would see it. For example, your past MC is extremely angry. Show us the rage as the retroactive version of your MC would see it. The facial expressions, the look of the eyes, the tone of voice, the scene on the road. You could detail conversation between the friends with some distance, like your MC is removed from the scene. If you prefer to stay in the moment, make us feel the emotions. Get us into your MC's head.

Which brings me to another issue I would like to talk about. I didn't really identify with your character, mostly because I didn't understand him. The reason I liked the beginning so much is that I could identify with the emotions, I have felt them before, though to a lesser degree. You loose that impact here. Your MC constantly repeats that he was so angry and naive, and Jacob reiterates that using essentially the same language. However, you never offer a reason for why the MC is this way, and I really think this piece needs it. It's hard to identify with a character that kills his best friend seemly without provocation or justification. Try to make us understand why he did it, get us into his head.

I also think it would help if you showed us your MC's rage, instead of telling us about it. You can do this by detailing your MC's actions, thoughts, expressions, etc. There is a good article on this here. If you would like some additional advice.

One final thing, I think your ending lacked some clarity. I am not sure if Jacob was actually your MC's best friend, or simply the manifestation of your MC's logic. Did your MC kill Jacob, and then kill himself? Or did the act of killing Jacob simultaneously kill your MC, because Jacob and your MC are two versions of the same person? I wasn't sure. Might want to clarify this a bit.

Well, I hope this helped. Best of luck with this! It has a really promising start. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to PM me.

Thanks for the read,
Audrey

I agree with the other two people. I thought it was very well written. I\'m not sure I can write that well myself, but oh well. Good job, keep up the good work!

Thanks people of Earth. This was a story I wrote about a four years ago. Found it a couple weeks ago and just kinda threw it on here. Thanks again for the comments, but since this story i have grown a lot in prose.

this was a great story, with only a few minor flaws. the only two things about it I would change would be the typos, and the clarity. I think you could be a little more clear about what is going on, because as writers, we have a concept visualized, but our job is to show that vision to the reader. while it may have seemed perfectly clear to you what was going on, I came away still a little bit confused about the ending. what was the entity he saw at the end? was the first part of the story just him remembering what had just happened, or was he dead, and continually reliving a chapter of his life? just a little more clarity would perfect what you have here.
as for typos, when you say, "the shade that use(d) to be me" you missed the "d" at the end of used. in addition, just remember that fowl=bird and foul=nasty. otherwise, great story! keep writing, and if you ever need another review, just PM me, and I'll happily oblige. your friend,
---Psudiname

Thanks. I just want to thank everyone for reviewing this, even though I wrote it a few years back. I just wanted to see what people thought of the 13 year old me as a writer.

This was a good piece your first paragraphs were well written and easy to follow. However towards the middle your paragraphs became a little confusing. I don't know of anything other than what everyone else has said. Overall I enjoyed reading this.

I liked it man