Young Writers Society

Hello again YWS!! I wrote this story in history, and its really rough so bear with me.

Swords clashed in the distance... I charged forward towards a knight who cut down three of my allies. I raised my blade to cut him down when another sword caught mine in mid-air.

I pressed down on the other sword, trying to get to the other soldier. The person I was fighting now, shoved my sword upward and kicked me in my gut. I went flying backwards and landed on the ground, my back scraping across the rough surface.

I rolled to the side just as a downward swing from the soldier landed next to me; kicking up dirt around me. Using the dirt as cover, I rolled to my feet and readied my sword. The soldier stepped towards me, his helmet reflecting the sun. Simultaneously, we charged at each other. I held my sword high, and he held his low.

Right before we hit each other, an explosion hit in front of us, which sent us sprawling through the air. I managed to control my fall, and rolled at the last second to avoid any serious injury. Popping back up, I turned to face my opponent. As I looked at him, I noticed that his helmet had flew off. I also noticed that he was actually a she. My guard faltered a little and she pounced on that opportunity.

She slashed at my torso with blinding speed. I barely raised my sword when her sword cut across my armor. Luckily, it didn't penetrate it. She leaped back and I got a good look at her. What I saw about killed me.

It was my love, Sophia. My resilience failed, and I watched as she charged at me again, this time aiming for my head. I didn't react as I saw the blade swing towards me. The last thing I saw were the tears streaming down her face...

I saw the blad

I think you mean blade...

The person I was fighting now, shoved my sword

and you don't want a comma there...and that's all I see, but I'm not perfect.
Poor dude. Getting killed by your girlfriend can't be fun, but I'm amazed she was stronger than him. Girl Power!!!...But only for good!
Keep writing!

Wow, that sucks for him. And her. This could also be aptly titled, "War Sucks." You have some good imagery here, a really good action scene and I almost feel like I know the characters in this tiny, short span of time. Well done.
I didn't notice any errors that made me stop and take notice, which doesn't mean much, and you conveyed the story well. However, I'm not sure people in armor do any hopping up. Medieval armor as I understand it is incredibly heavy. Depending on the type of armor, it could weigh from forty pounds to one hundred fifty pounds. I get how it might detract from the story to mention that, though, so I'm not too concerned about it.
edit: You should limit your use of the ellipsis (...). It's used to fill in an area where you didn't include everything and that last paragraph looks a bit like there are too many.

Swords clashed in the distance... I charged forward towards a knight who cut down three of my allies. I raised my blade to cut him down when another sword caught mine in mid-air.

I pressed down on the other sword, trying to get to the other soldier. The person I was fighting now, shoved my sword upward and kicked me in my gut. I went flying backwards and landed on the ground, my back scraping across the rough surface. *You could perhaps say about how this felt-it sounds painfull but you are wearing armour so I'm not sure. Just a suggestion.*

I rolled to the side just as a downward swing from the soldier landed next to me; kicking up dirt around me. Using the dirt as cover, I rolled to my feet and readied my sword. The soldier stepped towards me, his helmet reflecting the sun. Simultaneously, we charged at each other. I held my sword high, and he held his low.

Right before we hit each other, an explosion hit in front of us, which sent us sprawling through the air. I managed to control my fall, and rolled at the last second to avoid any serious injury. Popping back up, I turned to face my opponent. As I looked at him, I noticed that his helmet had flew off. I also noticed that he was actually a she. My guard faltered a little and she pounced on that opportunity.

She slashed at my torso with blinding speed. I barely raised my sword when her sword cut across my armor. Luckily, it didn't penetrate it. She leaped back and I got a good look at her.... What I saw about killed me... *It could have been more effective saying "What I saw about her was more lethal than her previous blow"..kinda keeps the pace going..but thats just me .*

It was my love, Sophia... My resilience failed, and I watched as she charged at me again, this time her blade was aimed for my head. I didn't react as I saw the blade swing towards me... The last thing I saw were the tears running down her face...

Hey
I didn't spot any gramatical errors in this, and the storyline was sound, there's just the small things that I've suggested but they're not really important.

Any about your uncertainty about whether people could jump in armour; they could. Medieval armour was actually only 40-75 pounds, which is less than most modern soldiers wear. You can actually see videos of people doing cartwheels and handstands in armour. So its possible!

Twas a nice read though..keep it up!

Hey Jalmoc!

Here as requested. ^^

First off, you portrayed the fighting scene very well. I have actually imagined it with little less confusion. There are just some parts that needs smoothening out, and sometimes you need to slow down with your ellipsis. But anyways, the ending is good, just that you could have at least elaborated it more. The woman was crying at the end but this story lacked emotions. Your characters are just a cut-out cardboard character with no depth at all. This might as well concern about the length of this piece. I'm not saying you should make this longer. However, you should state some importance of the characters. Like for example, what is really in the lady? Why are they fighting? This questions might help your readers more, especially in the story events.

Overall, this has potential. Let me know if you have any questions. ^^

Keep writing,
Yuri

I will agree with all of the comments/suggestions so far. I loved reading this. It's a good write that really drew me in very quickly. I could easily imagine it happening in my head. Good work!

Swords clashed in the distance... I charged forward towards a knight who cut down three of my allies. I raised my blade to cut him down when another sword caught mine in mid-air. (How did it hit him? in the armor, the sword? If you get hit from another attacker they most likely won't aim for your sword, rather your torso.)

I pressed down on the other sword, trying to get to the other soldier. The person I was fighting now, shoved my sword upward and kicked me in my gut. I went flying backwards and landed on the ground, my back scraping across the rough surface.

I rolled to the side just as a downward swing from the soldier landed next to me, which kicked up dirt around me. Using the dirt as cover, I rolled to my feet and readied my sword. The soldier stepped towards me, his helmet reflecting the sun. Simultaneously, we charged at each other. I held my sword high, and he held his low.

Right before we hit each other, an explosion hit in front of us, (where did that come from? kind of random) which sent us sprawling through the air.I managed to control my fall, and rolled at the last second to avoid any serious injury. Popping back up, I turned to face my opponent. As I looked at him, I noticed that his helmet had flew off.I also noticed that he was actually a she. My guard faltered a little and she pounced on that opportunity.

She slashed at my torso with blinding speed. I barely raised my sword when her sword cut across my armor. Luckily, it didn't penetrate it. She leaped back and I got a good look at her.... WhatI saw about killed me...

It was my love, Sophia... My resilience failed, and I watched as she charged at me again, this time aiming for my head. I didn't react as I saw the blade swing towards me... The last thing I saw were the tears streaming down her face...


I enjoyed reading this, you managed to paint a picture of every scene. However there were a lot of I's. Other than that great job

This is little more than a fragment. There's little-to-no plot and very little character development. I like the direction it's headed, or rather, where it came from, but as of this moment it's too tiny to judge.

Your tone is very...detached. With such a character-centric scene, an immersive, gritty tone would be much more likely to draw a connection between the reader and the protagonist. You want to draw attention to the chaos of the battlefield, the dirt and the grime and the blood. Right now it sounds like a nice, neat little sparring session, not the site of a battlefield.

I charged forward towards a knight who cut down three of my allies. I raised my blade to cut him down when another sword caught mine in mid-air.

Repetitive. You use the same verb "to cut down" in consecutive sentences, which makes it sound boring. I recommend changing the phrasing of the second to something along the lines of "slay him where he stood," or something similar.

On another note, I think that after the protagonist's sword is caught would be a great time for you to describe his new opponent.

On plot holes
Did the other knight, the one who had so easily dispatched three of the protagonist's compatriots, simply vanish into thin air? You'd think he would move to assist the person that saved his life.

The person I was fighting now, shoved my sword upward and kicked me in my gut.

I think you'd be hard pressed to find a woman that can out-muscle a man accustomed to running around in armor and wielding a sword with ease--especially enough to send him flying to the dirt. Consider revising.

It was my love, Sophia...

This doesn't mean anything to the reader. You haven't established this previously, or even given a hint.

This desperately needs expanding. As mentioned earlier, it's merely a fragment right now. It has potential, and I recommend you use that.

--D

This most definitely has potential. I loved the ending, finding out that his killer was the girl he loved. This just HAS to be expanded and made into a more glorified piece. Me, personally, like some traditional gore. The word "war" dragged my clicker over, and intrigued me. One thing that I can comment on iss....

I went flying backwards and landed on the ground, my back scraping across the rough surface.

I personally think that "against" would work better here. That's just me.
Other than that, good job!