z

Young Writers Society


The Sizzling Six



Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 936
Reviews: 12
Fri Mar 11, 2011 5:31 am
Rahul says...



HI... I am writing a short story a detective one actually.. Here' s the 1st chapter

1
An old ending and a new beginning

“Bye friends so, today’s my last day I have to leave the school” said Cody sadly. “Is it necessary to leave the town too”? asked John. “Town too!!!” said Kimberly surprisingly. “Yes! You know my mom and dad is scientist, their headquarters have found a new breed of beetle, and have assigned the responsibility of researching on it to them and it’s not possible for them to study on it here so we have to leave”. “But”.... “Sorry friends I also don’t want to go but I have to” said Cody, and then the bell rang. “Hey! Got to go my parents are waiting outside”. Ginny ran away to washroom crying with her shirt full of tears. “Bye Cody” said John with tears in his eyes. “We wouldn’t forget the years we have spent together” said Kimberly crying. “Hey! Kim and John I will miss you too but don’t cry and I will mail you”.”Yea” said John and the car horn noise came “Hurry up Co we have to leave” and then Cody waved to his friends and made his way to the car.
“Hey champ” said Cody’s father, “how are you now?”, “Same” replied Cody unhappily. “Oh come on dear you will be happy in your new school, new friends, new town and new neighbor”, said Cody’s mother smiling to Cody. Cody’s mother was quite beautiful she had short hair but then also she looked beautiful. She was tall and fair and with beautiful brown eyes and his dad was same too. He had neither too short nor too long hair and sparkling blue eyes, Cody had eyes like his mother and lips of his father, dark brown hair, he was twelve but looked like fourteen-fifteen years old boy and looked like an athlete, he had a good height and health. “But I don’t want new friends I am happy with my old friends”.”Cody don’t start again we have admitted you in the best school of Washington, I am sure you will have great friends” said his mother happily, while taking out the key of their house door. “Come on son get ready we have to leave tomorrow early morning” said his dad, “but why early?” asked Cody, “dear we wouldn’t get the driver and we have to set our new house also.” said his dad. “Hey! Bertha have you packed your clothes?” asked Cody’s dad to his mom. “Not really just some jackets are left. I heard there temperature is cooler than here so I took some pullovers also” said Cody’s mom. “Will grandpa be coming to help us?”Asked Cody. “No he wouldn’t. He will be there at Washington’s bus stop” said his dad.”In which school is Cody going to be in?” asked Bradley came running through. Bradley was Cody’s best friend he lived nearby; he was short and wears spectacles, he was fair, had very big eyes, he had nose like a parrot and had curly black hair.”St. Lawrence” replied his dad. “Oh!” said Bradley unhappily. “Hey kids why don’t you have a walk till then we will pack our luggage” said Cody’s dad struggling with a chair which he was packing in a box. “OK! Mrs. Evans” said Bradley and they left.
*
“So Co saw your new school?” asked Bradley. “Not really! Actually they don’t have a test or something to get admission”. “They take new admission on the bases of performance in the last grade” said Cody. “Err-- did you remember that in Ronald’s birthday party we mixed salt in the Samantha’s soft drink?” asked Bradley. “Yea did you remember Samantha by mistake spit it on the Ronald’s mouth and his dress?”.”Yes full of drink” said Bradley.”Hey! And Mr. Smith allergy?”, “Cats!” interrupted Cody. “We mixed cat hair in his food” said Bradley, “and did you remember his wordings?” asked Cody, “Yea only sneezing for Two hours he was saying, I think I am suffering from cold” said Bradley giggling. “Poor guy” he didn’t know he is eating cat hair with spinach” said Cody, “and our cricket games”, “Yea we always used to cheat and at the end of the game we were caught” said Bradley. Cody saw a scar on Bradley’s head, “hey did you remember you fell down from the stadium stairs?” asked Cody, “how can I forget it, it was the most horrible experience of my life” replied Bradley. “Who did it?”asked Cody, “do you remember I had neighbor Justin”, “yea that fat fellow with short height who used to eat chocolates” replied Cody, “he did it, he made me fall from the slide because I went before him to the slide, don’t know why he used to hate me, everyday I either had a nose bleed or swollen legs, Thank god he has left the neighborhood everybody was feed up of him”, “do you remember he used to stole Mrs. Osmond’s chocolate cake which they used to make on every fortnight and I was always blamed for it?” asked Bradley, “yes thank god he has gone otherwise till now either you would have been in hospital because of Justin’s daily doze(bleeding nose and swollen legs) or on punishment of not playing play station for one week because of stealing Mrs. Osmond’s cake” laughed Cody. “So Co is your parents sending you to hostel? I mean if they are also staying in Washington you must also staying with them?” asked Bradley, “actually they are not staying in Washington I told you that my parents are searching on new betel breed for their research they have to travel the whole America, and the answer to your question is that I am not staying in hostel, I am staying with them in Washington” replied Cody. “After how much time you will have to go to another place?” asked Bradley, “it depends, minimum three years or it can be after six months also” replied Cody.”Who decides where your mom and dad will be transferred and where will they be transferred?”, “Oh! It is decided by headquarters depending where the scope of information will be more” replied Cody. “OK, so it’s almost dinner time, I got to go, by the way at what time you are leaving?” asked Bradley. “At 6:00am” replied Cody. “That means when I will wake up you won’t be here?” asked Bradley.”Yes, that means this was our last talk and will not meet again in life?”, “yea I think so” replied Bradley. “So bye then” said Cody “and will miss you Brad” said Cody. “Yea me too” replied Bradley with a smile on his face.
*
“Hey! Mom what’s in the dinner?” asked Cody sadly, ‘Your favorite chicken. I made to make your mood alright” said his mother smiling at Cody. “I know son how it feels to leave your friends” said his dad. “You don’t” replied Cody and left the dinning room and ran to his room “Cody at least eat dinner” said his mom running behind him. “Leave him alone, he will be alright, I know how it feels my dad was also in army we also have to leave our home after three years leaving your friends, I know” said his dad. “But...”.”Don’t worry Bertha he will be alright”.
“Cody ran to his bed and hit his face of the pillow crying why, why? Only I have suffered I don’t want to leave any of my friends” and slept crying thinking of this only. “The day has come” said Cody next morning his T-Shirt was full of tears.” Get ready Co we have to leave in ten minutes” said his dad. ‘OK’ dad.
“Sorry for my behavior”, “its OK son” said his mom hugging him, “hey! Co” said a voice. “Bradley! I thought you were sleeping” “I know how can I miss a chance to say good bye to my best friend” said Bradley and Cody hugged him, “will miss you” said Cody, “me too”, then they left the home and sat in bus. ‘Don’t worry son everything will be alright” said his mom.”Yea mom and I promise I will be okay at my new school” said Cody, “come on Freddy start the bus” said his mother, “OK doaky”, the bus started slowly and slowly his house was going smaller .Cody saw that Bradley was waving him and he also waved him back; in a hope he will meet him again and then they left.

Please help me through my mistakes...
  





User avatar
576 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 6371
Reviews: 576
Fri Mar 11, 2011 7:37 am
Ego says...



First and foremost...ouch. Like really, really ouch. With each new speaker should come a new paragraph, like so:

“Bye friends so, today’s my last day I have to leave the school” said Cody sadly.

“Is it necessary to leave the town too?” asked John. “Town too!!!” said Kimberly surprisingly.

“Yes! You know my mom and dad is scientist, their headquarters have found a new breed of beetle, and have assigned the responsibility of researching on it to them and it’s not possible for them to study on it here so we have to leave."

“But..."


Also note that all punctuation is within the quotation marks, not outside it.

Make those changes, shoot me a Private Message, and I will critique the actual content.

--D
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  





Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 1252
Reviews: 8
Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:59 am
writingruff says...



Nice job, I think if you work on your grammar and some description, this could make a great story!
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 1129
Reviews: 5
Fri Mar 18, 2011 12:23 am
OneSun says...



Hi!

To start with, although there isn't much here yet there is potential for a good story as long as you make sure you keep it origional, detective stories can be a bit limiting sometimes if you don't have something new to throw into the mix.

There is a huge amount of speech in this text which is alright, you're getting the emotion across well but speech should be used to make an impact not to convey all the information. It might be worth starting by explaining that the protagonist is leaving and is in school saying goodbye, then have him saying goodbye. This will create more impact and will exagerate the emotion. Also, it has been said but really need reiterating, each new person speaking has to have a new paragraph and it's worth indenting it with a couple of spaces just to clarify this.

Have a look at this link, it might help a bit; http://www.suite101.com/content/how-to- ... ng-a116737

Once you've sorted your dialogue the rest of the story should fit nicely around it and will be much easier to read.

Good luck and don't give up!!
  





User avatar
58 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 58
Thu Mar 24, 2011 4:04 pm
kathy45662 says...



I have not read others' reviews so they may have already covered what I'm about to suggest.

Double check your spelling and grammar. When you use quotations as a character speaks, start a new paragraph. IF one person says two things in a row, it can be the same paragraph.

The story sounds interesting but the grammar sticks out. Please repost once you look at those and edit then you should get some more reviews :)
90% of writing is re-writing!
  








Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
— Roy T. Bennett