Young Writers Society

Just a small excerpt from my latest novel.
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Have you never had a dream that felt so real it was hard to believe it was just a dream? Shaylee had been in a coma for almost four months, her family was beginning to lose faith in her. Who could blame them? After the car accident doctors didn't even think she'd live. The only person who believed in her was her brother, Jamie. He sat by her bed every day and hoped she would wake up.

It was about mid-day when Shaylee finally forced herself out of the bed, but to her confusion it wasn't a hospitable bed. In fact she hardly recongized the place, yet something in the back of her mind put her at ease and made her feel comfortable. Despite being so late in the day, it was dark in the room because long satin curtains covered the windows. Shaylee took a few small steps towards the dim light. The white nightgown flowed around her legs as her bare feet made no sound while stepping across the clean oak floor.

She gripped the thick curtains in her hands and pulled them open. Light flooded the room and her eyes, for a moment she couldn't see, and covered her face. When her eyes adjusted she looked about the room. Everything seemed to have a sparkling aura to it, even her long brown hair seemed to shine. The walls were a creamy sort of soft pink, the floors a strong oak color. The chair, bed frame and wardrobe all matched the floor stain, while the bed sheets and curtains complimented the soft pink with a slightly darker appearel.

There where three loud knocks before the large wooden door opened. It creaked as it opened slowly, and the light from the hall poured in. Shaylee twisted around to see another walk in. A dark haired man, probably late teens much like herself. He started when he saw her, as he was surprised to see her up and about. She knew him. She knew she did, but she couldn't quiet put her finger on it.

"Shaylee? You're awake! Oh blessed be!" he exclaimed before running over and swiftly twirling her around in his arms.

"Pardon me?" she started, as he put her down. He could see the plainly confused look on her face. "Do I know you?" she asked, a hint of distrust laced her voice.

He held her close - too close for Shaylee's comfort - and stroked her hair, as he mumbled over and over again about how worried he was and how everyone thought she would never wake up. She pushed him away and looked at him, a look that asked what in the world he was doing.

"I don't even know you!" she exclaimed, turning away from him "I don't remember what happened! What did happen?" she asked, turning back. He could sense that she was beginning to panic.

"Shay, it's okay! It's me, Tod! Everything is alright now. We have to tell every one you're awake!" he cheered. His grin was bigger then that of the moon.

She blinked and didn't resist as she was tugged out of her room by an over excited Tod. The halls were long, and doors were spotted all along them. Like the rest of the house the halls were dimly lighted. Tod dragged her down two sets of long twisting stairs and into a small office. A large swivel chair sat behind a big desk. The walls were lined with books of all sorts.

"Father, Shaylee is up! She finally woke up! See?" he smiled brightly as he yanked Shaylee's arm above both their heads, and since she was much sorter she had to stand on the tips of her toes.

The chair twisted around slowly and the rather tall man clasped his hands together and stared at Shaylee. She felt a chill run down her spine, as he examined her.
"It's about time you woke up, dear. We've been expecting you." he grumbled, not breaking eye contact.

Shaylee gave him an odd look as well, as she wondered if anything was going to make sense that day.
"Tod said that you all thought I was never going to wake up..." she trailed off, looking up at Tod who stared at the floor with his hands clasped behind his back and a worried expretion on his face.

The man stood slowly, eyes on Tod. Shaylee forced back the lump in her throat. The man's appearence alone was intimidating. He was tall, yet obese. He looked like a villian from an old childrens cartoon. He was balding, you could see his horrible hairline even in the dark. He towered over the both of them.

"Why don't you two run along and leave me to my work?" he scowled, yet his eyes never moved from Tod.

Okay, since I've just rejuvenated, I'll give you the best review I can - what I'll say is this. It's not really good, but it's not bad either. It just needs a lot of revision. First of all, well...the scene starts at a pretty weird place and ends at one too. You've tried to put tension into it, I know, but for some reason, I don't FEEL the tension. Try to make every word count towards the fear Shaylee's probably feeling now. And Shaylee herself...well, since this is just one scene, I'll skip the character prep talk. Okay. A few grammar errors here and there, such as this line:

Shaylee had been in a coma for almost four months, her family was beginning to lose faith in her

Just saying. And PRACTICE. XD You don't suck. I used to suck (and that means ten times worser than this) and I got better by practice. XD Okay. I'm done blowing steam.

Robyn.

Shaylee had been in a coma for almost four months, her family was beginning to lose faith in her.

This is a run-on sentence. Put a period where the comma goes and capitalize her.

In fact, she hardly recongized the place, yet something in the back of her mind put her at easeand made her feel comfortable.

This sentence bothers me with everything after the "yet". Try rewording it.

Despite being so late in the day, it was dark in the room because long satin curtains covered the windows.

Took much telling and hardly any showing in this sentence. My suggestion: "Despite it being so late in the day, the room was still dark. Long satin curtains covered the windows, blocking any light from entering the room."

Light flooded into the room . . . and her eyes, for a moment she couldn't see, and covered her face.

Try " . . . and blinding her." As far as I'm concerned, the rest isn't needed.

Everything seemed to have a sparkling aura to it, even her long brown hair seemed to shine.

I thought this story was told in the 3rd person narrative from what the character can see. Anyways, it doesn't fit in with the rest of the paragraph which is describing the room.

Shaylee twisted turned around to see another walk in. A a dark haired man, probably late teens much like herself, walked into the room.

He started when he saw her, as he if was surprised to see her up and about.

"If" makes it sound better.

She knew she did, but she couldn't quiet put her finger on it.

Quite, not quiet.

"Do I know you?" she asked, a hint of distrust laced in her voice.

She pushed him away and looked at him, a look that asked, "What in the world he was doing?"

Awkward sentence. It would be best to split it up.

We have to tell every one you're awake!" he cheered. His grin was bigger than then that of the moon.

I know there's a face on the moon, but it doesn't smile.

I'll stop here and leave you to edit the rest, because the rest are similar mistakes.

Overall: Okay plot, but could use some work. You definitely need to improve upon your grammar skills though because they are seriously lacking. Also, you tend to tell more than show which makes it hard for the reader to make a visual. Be descriptive. An example of descent showing in this story you had was the last three sentences of the third paragraph. If you need a review, you know where to find me.

Varg

First off I like the concept idea that you have going on, but it all starts off on a pretty strange note. So to my understanding, your MC was in a coma, but when it starts off is your MC waking up in the world that she has created with in her subconscious mine while in the coma, or is she say in her house? Say her family moved her to there home with the idea that she may not make it and they don't want her to die in a hospital. That is a little confusing. Also who is Tod? Is that her brother? Is it a character her mind made up? Thats another thing I was wondering. And last you just need to go through and revise! I like the idea its not bad but then its not great. I think you may want to be a little more descriptive and it will end up being a great story! Keep writing!