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Young Writers Society


The Ballet Shoe



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Points: 300
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Tue Mar 08, 2011 11:35 am
addictedtowriting says...



A quiet evening. The sun was about to drop. The dim light showed a silhouette of a police station. The deserted area made a worried female voice more audible.
“My ballet shoes are one of the most precious things for me. They reminded me of my old days. Their absence keeps upsetting me.” She said, ballooning gulps of air.
“Well, Mrs. Mayfleet, if you insist, we might drop by to check. You must try your level best to examine every bit yourself. Our officers, Frost, Smith and Binns are currently busy on another case.” Said inspector Flames.
“I will expect your visit soon. I must take leave, my weak heart won’t allow me any more shock.” She said, getting up with much effort and left.
Rosita Mayfleet was a retired ballet dancer. Her favorite ballet shoes were missing.
The police was considering that Rosita not only had a weak heart but also a weak memory.
Another case was concerning the city at the same time. Roderick Thisby, a renowned author, was working on a biography when all of a sudden; he along with his project had gone missing. Nobody even knew who the book was being written on. The police was racking all its brains to solve the mystery but in vain.
But as promised, a set of constables headed towards her home. An oddly dressed lady opened the door. Her make- up was very untidy as if put in a hurry. A shimmering button on her pocket defined her as SECRETARY.
“You must be here to investigate, I’m sorry. Ma’am is quite tired after her visit to St. Francis Orphanage. You should rather come tomorrow.
“Brilliant!” said Thames, a constable, as they departed. ”Get assigned to a useless case then handle a hideous attitude.”
Nobody was eager to come back the next day but the senior didn’t find that appealing.
So, they went to her house again the next day. They passed Jim Newspaper Store, when Thames asked them to wait. He picked up the newspaper and froze, his mouth dropped open.
The others weren’t eager to waste time, so, they called for him. But seeing him dumbstruck they offered to see the newspaper in his hand. They read the article Thames had been staring at.
ROSITA IN HOSPITAL
The very talented ballet dancer, Rosita Mayfleet, who retired a few years ago due to her diminishing health, had a severe heart attack. She was admitted in hospital at 10:35 pm yesterday night. Doctors say “She had a kind of shock……………………………”

“10:35.” Said Thames, finally “That’s half an hour before we came, why did the secretary lie? We got to find out.”
They increased their pace realizing that the case wasn’t useless after all. They had to figure it out and the only way was to ask the secretary.
They knocked the heavy knocker of Rosita’s beautiful cottage. The door was received by a lean man.
“Yes?” he said, in his high pitched voice.
“We are here to……”
“Nobody’s home, it’s just me.” He said.
“By the way who are you?”
“I’m Jeremy Blaze from St. Francis Orphanage. Mrs.Rosita is about to adopt an orphan from our orphanage. What a kind lady she is! I have been asked to wait for Mrs. Rosita’s husband to finalize the papers.”
“We came in to meet Rosita’s secretary.”
“I guess she isn’t around, you can come back later.”
So, they left. They didn’t expect any answers from this Blaze chap, he was a guest himself.
They left one of their constables to keep an eye on the house just in case something new cropped up.
Meanwhile, the others told the story to Inspector Flames.
*
The early morn had a lazy atmosphere. The sun was feeling lazy to rise, the people were feeling lazy to wake but this lethargic air was disturbed by a noise. Flames had woken up with a start with an idea in his mind.
“Maybe Rosita is the one the book is being written on. She had a weak heart and as reports say she was forbidden from reading newspapers and watching news. Maybe due to some reason she got to know Thisby is missing and had a shock.”
That seemed so sensible that without wasting any more time he reached his office.
He had not even entered when a constable called Chuckshaw, who was keeping an eye on Rosita’s house, called in.
“Sir, the Blaze guy was lying too. Rosita’s husband came in today. Blaze kept looking for something, he left quite late and the secretary came in just this morning.”
Flame felt that case was finally opening knots.
Flame proceeded to tell him about his finding, while he was reasoning his findings; the three officers to the Thisby case came in. They overheard his presumption and felt a high possibility in the correlation of the two cases.
They went to Rosita’s house again but it was locked. So, they decided to go to the hospital.
They were leaving when they heard someone calling “Sir!” It was Chuckshaw. “Someone burned something here.” They realized the voice coming from the backyard. There was something burned a few moments ago because ashes were quite warm. They saw ashes of a partially burnt paper. They could make out some words….ILL.
“Maybe…………WILL, sir it could be will. Someone burnt it. Perhaps its Rosita’s will!”
“Possible! But it’s still mysterious why someone would burn a will in their backyard. C’mon we have things to find out.”
They had a few suspicions it could have been Jeremy, looking for something or the secretary, she knew where everything was kept or the husband who was least likely as he is the only person the will could be in favour of, but a lady like Rosita was ought to get an insurance policy and..maybe that is why the husband……………..
They hadn’t found another lead to either of the two cases. There was no ransom call for Thisby neither Rosita had gained conscious.
Three days later, after a long night of investigation, they were sitting with their head sunk in their hands. When the phone rang.
“Officer FlameSir”
“Yes”
“Sir, we found madam’s shoes, they weren’t stolen after all” It was Rosita’s secretary and before anybody could say anything else she dropped the receiver.
The phone rang again.
“Heloo, sar, ‘ts Robert ‘ere, ‘ave ya read the noospapa’.” Robert was their informer.
“No, we haven’t got time for that Robert.”
“But sar, ‘t ‘as a ‘ery intrestin’ noos”
At the very moment Thames came beaming at them and waving the newspaper at them.
THISBY FOUND!
Roderick Thisby was found in the hospital getting his minor injury cured. He says “I was kidnapped, some group of gangsters came into my house. I heard them, so, I went to check and they caught hold of me, I struggled and got this injury………………..”

The officers set off for Thisby’s without any further ado.
Thisby seemed quite ready to answer their questions.
“How did they look?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I was kept blindfolded except at night when it was pitch black.”
“Oh! Did they torture you?”
“No, excluding the first day when they wanted to take me away.” showing his wound
“Why do you think they kidnapped you?”
“I think it was for money. I don’t think I have anything else to give.”
“But they never called for ransom.”
“I can’t say!”
“Where is your book?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yes, they took it away probably. ”
“What was the book about?”
“It was a biography of Mrs. Rosita Mayfleet. Im her big fan!”
“Why do you think they took away the book? Did it contain anything that would endanger someone?”
“Absolutely not! Rosita’s life had no secrets and if they were I’m not sure I know them. Nether less I believe they simply took the manuscript as I was working on it when they kidnapped me. Maybe to clear out clues. But I regret it, they took away my months of sheer hard work. This book was very close to my heart.”
“We absolutely understand! How did you escape?”
“Oh! It was as if they released me, they left the ropes lose.”
They were still discontented. Chuckshaw and Thames were disappointed that the interrogation ended so soon. They set off for Rosita’s home. Rosita was discharged the very day. The nurse opened the door.
They wished to interview the secretary but decided on checking on Mrs. Rosita first. The nurse showed them to Rosita’s room. Rosita looked pale but still retained her grace and beauty. She bowed as a greeting and called for her secretary. The secretary hurried in looking messier than on their last visit. She dumb charade as if she was saving energy to talk to the secretary.
The tea was ready within 15 minutes. The officers, meanwhile, had preferred only to congratulate her on getting her shoes back and she bowed thankfully.
The secretary bent to serve the tea when Flames saw something.
“Ma’am, I would suggest you to straighten you wig.”
The secretary was dumbstruck.
“Or should I rather say Mr. Blaze or Mr. Thisby.” Taking off the wig
“Thisby!” shrieked Rosita.
Frost said, “Yes. Maybe you don’t know Gregory, your partner who met Blaze, told me he saw something red on Blaze’s neck which apparently was the secretary’s makeup which he had forgotten to remove.”
Flames continued.
“I had observed his wound still bleeding under his bandage. It has been a week since Thisby was missing it could have healed till now. But this happened when he burnt his hand while burning Rosita’s will.”
Rosita seemed as if she would faint.
“So, Mr. Thisby, what would you like to say?”
Thisby started the story as if he wanted to impress them with his story-telling skills.
“My father served Rosita’s family for years. He was very loyal. Rosita’s father loved him and had put his will on my father’s name he somehow didn’t trust his daughter. But, suddenly, Rosita started complaining maybe she could bear this loss; she started accusing him of thefts and got him fired. Rosita’s father banished that will and let him starve on the streets. He had no other skills and did not wish to work for anyone else. He died a painful death. I struggled to make ends meet and became successful but I could never forget my father’s pain. I wanted revenge. So I came up with a plan, I acted as if I was writing a book on Rosita to shift into town. I took a job as her secretary to stay close by her side. I wanted to kill her but I couldn’t so I tried giving her shocks. That day I came as Jeremy Blaze to look for the will. I burned it. I knew she was going to recover, so that was another shock, and I could let her children have what was rightfully my father’s. I tried to shift the blame on her husband.”
“A very good plan but not perfect.” said Smith.
“Why did you lie to us about her attack?”
“You would have come pushing in and realized she had an attack and I was the only one home.”
“Well Thisby I’m so glad you’re ending up in jail. I never really liked you” snarled Rosita.
Thisby paid for what he had done.
  





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Tue Mar 15, 2011 8:00 pm
LadyFreeWill says...



This story started out good, but then the believability level dropped waaaay down. Don't you think officers of the law would ask more questions? Your story had the investigators dismissing Blaze and the secretary and everyone else they interviewed without any suspicion or further questioning. Also, you're use of ellipsis was quite ... well, put it this way: there are only supposed to be three dots -not twenty. Your readers already know that the thought or voice is tailing off when the see the '...' so you don't need to add even more of the dots.
Formerly TheScratchMan.
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:48 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Hey hi!

This felt very much like an old classic detective story in terms of how it played out. The situation was set up, the clues were found, the investigator revealed everything at the end. But while it's classic, it feels kind of silly nowadays. Everything moves so quickly and we have no sense of the characters. Take a little time to flesh them out, make the story as much about them as it is about solving the mystery.

The dialogue was a little funny too. No one really speaks in proper English, not even characters in books. The exceptions are just that... exceptions. Maybe the old fodgy professor talks like a Shakespearean actor, but that's because that's who he is. Normal cops on the beat are just going to say things like they are, without using a bunch of pretty words to get their meaning across.

How come the officers find out all their information from the newspaper? It takes time for newspapers to be printed and I would think that the police would find out the information first and release it to the reporters, rather than the other way around.

It's an interesting start you have here, but it needs some fleshing out. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 9:40 pm
LilacSabrie says...



This story seemed so fast-paced that even I felt left behind. The dialogue was very good; you varied up the dialects and vocabulary according to a certain character, so that was pretty good. There were some run-on sentences and sentence fragments that need attention. Example:
Rosita’s father loved him and had put his will on my father’s name he somehow didn’t trust his daughter.

Did you mean to put something between 'name' and 'he'? Either way, this sentence sounds like a thought meshed together with no stops.

And there you are! Interesting concept, by the way.
A dream is a wish your heart makes-


Oh come now - I may be a cat but I most certainly do NOT bite! *mjau*
  





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Sun Apr 03, 2011 6:07 pm
mellophone7 says...



Pretty good. The beginning started out alright, but then I started to get confused towards the end. The officers also didn't seem that realistic. Like, shouldn't they have asked more questions, and not just dropped the investigations that fast? Also, a couple technicality things:
Rosita’s father loved him and had put his will on my father’s name he somehow didn’t trust his daughter.
This seemed like it was missing a punctuation mark between name and he.
We got to find out.
Did you mean "we've got to find out", or is that just how the character is talking?
She dumb charade as if she was saving energy to talk to the secretary.
This was another confusing bit. "She dumb charade?"
Overall, very good! :)
"The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean." -Robert Louis Stevenson
"Write or die trying."
JA hatar pisanje.
  








She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus