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Out from the Sea



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Sun Mar 06, 2011 8:41 pm
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Elinor says...



AN: I submitted this for a school assignment back in November, but now I'm starting to look at it again because I was thinking of expanding this into a longer work and would appreciate any fresh feedback I could get! The idea of the story was to follow the hero cycle, and there was a four page limit and this evens out to three and a half, so that is why it may seem abrupt or rushed; thanks and enjoy!

Alison Brown, called Allie, was twenty-nine years old, and her life was far from easy. She was living in Washington DC, in an apartment that she could barely afford. Two years ago, she had moved from Massachusetts upon completion of her master's degree in history at Harvard University. She had moved to Washington DC in hopes of getting a job that would allow her to be around history and eventually fulfill her dream of becoming a historian and working for National Geographic. She was able to get a job as a tour guide at the Smithsonian, which she loved dearly, but still, Allie was lonely. Ever since moving, she hadn't really connected with anyone or made any new friends. She wanted to be married by now, but she hadn't had a boyfriend in nearly four years.
Her job got repetitive too, as she would often have to run different groups through the same exhibits multiple times a day. Her boss was mean and strict, and would often yell at her for things she couldn't control. But eventually, all of this would change for the better. One day, when Allie was on her lunch break, the director of the museum appeared and told her that she had to come to a very special meeting. There were two men there in fancy clothing—the director announced them to be the Secretary of the Navy and the Secretary of Defense, both of whom had come from the White House. There was strong evidence that pirate treasure belonging to a ship called The April Hawk, which had sunk with nearly one hundred people on board, was lying off of the coast of Florida. The Navy wanted to US to find and seize the treasure so that it would be able to be put on a touring exhibit and eventually reside permanently in the Smithsonian. So, they had chosen four of their best men to crew a ship to Florida and bring back the treasure. But they needed a historical consultant, so they had consulted the Smithsonian. The director had recommended Allie because of her 'endless enthusiasm'.
Almost instantly, Allie accepted. Not only would she be payed double what she was now, but this really was the experience of a life time, getting to spend a few months with members of the navy and actually going out, seeking and trying to make a connection with the past. Although all three warned her that it might not be the most comfortable, and that she might get a bit claustrophobic spending many months on a tiny ship, Allie said she didn't mind. There was nothing really for her at home anyway.
They would leave in two weeks, and Allie would meet the rest of the crew at an informational session the night before their departure. Allie eagerly awaited the trip with each passing day. Soon, her job seemed meaningless, dull, boring in comparison to what she was going to do. All she did was talk about the past, and now she'd get to see it!
As word about the trip began to spread, so did word about Allie and the rest of the crew. They were interviewed on the news, and their departure from Chesapeake Bay was covered with hundreds of spectators and a goodbye, treating them as if they were heroes.
Allie was the only girl aboard, but she didn't mind. Early on, Allie had drawn a close affinity with the captain, Daniel Wilkes. He was only thirty years old and very, very handsome. He seemed very knowledgeable about the ocean and the sea, and was very eager to begin the voyage, and he seemed to like Allie too. Soon, they had fallen in love. They always talked, about the trip, about their lives. He showed her several things about the navy, about how ships operated. And she told him about history, about how wonderful she thought it was.
Each night, Allie kept a diary. Each member had been encouraged to do so by the director, so that they would be able to have a personal and clear account of the trip. Everything was wonderful, but Daniel and Allie had grown so detached from the other three crew members that things began to change.
Their troubles started three weeks into the trip, on one morning when Allie had gone down to find breakfast for everyone when they discovered their supply was nearly gone.
“What's this?” she whispered to herself. “We just had--”
There were only scraps of various things left, and they weren't scheduled to arrive in Florida for another two days. Allie was furious. She marched up on deck, where the other crew members were waiting.
“No breakfast,” she said. “Someone took our food.”
“How can that be?” asked their navigator, a short, old man with coarse dark brown hair. “We're the only ones on it, aren't we?”
“She means that she thinks of one of us took it,” said Sean, one of the scuba-divers who would be diving in for the treasure. “Wow. It's probably some part of this stupid ship, maybe some rats. I wouldn't be surprised?”
“What are you talking about?” Allie asked.
“We've suffered for three weeks on this cramped, tiny ship, eating protein bars and potato chips. And for what? For a couple of museum exhibits? What we if we don't find the treasure? We go through all of this for nothing?”
“Besides, if we do find that treasure, it's going to be really valuable,” said Robert, the navigator. “We should just keep it.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Allie said. “Hold on--”
But Daniel cut her off. “Relax, everyone. I'll go downstairs to see what the problem is.”
It did turn out to be rats, and this only made Sean angrier.
“You know, Allie, Dan, you guys are really starting to make us wonder,” Sean said. “The way you always talk to each other and always shut out the rest of us.”
“Please, Sean--”
James, another scuba-diver, cut in. “Think about it you guys, really. If we were to keep the treasure, we'd never had to get caught, would we? We could move to a different country. Besides, it's just a museum exhibit they want to put it on. It's not that big of a deal. And it's not like we're stealing, because no one owns it. It's at the bottom of the sea.”
With that, the four left to go up on deck, leaving Allie and Daniel down below. Allie embraced him and started to cry.
“It's not fair,” she said. “Why is this happening?”
“Ssh,” Daniel replied. “We'll figure it out. They're probably just upset that the trip is taking so long, and that we've been in a such a small, cluttered ship all this time. It's nothing.”
“I love you,” Allie finally said.
“I love you too,” Daniel replied.
The next two days passed by slowly, with Sean, James and Robert constantly going on and on about their plan to take the treasure, and Allie was beginning to get scared. After all, Daniel and Allie were the minority. The lack of food didn't help, but once they got to Florida, they were able to restock.
The Secretary of the Navy had given them leads as to where they thought the treasure was located, so Daniel had attempted to read the list out loud and try to formulate a plan to get the treasure. But nothing seemed to work. Everything ended in argument. Everything.
Allie was beginning to get very scared. Even though Sean and James were young and just out of college, Robert was nearly fifty, incredibly strong and had experienced many battles. He was probably more experienced then Daniel even.
“Don't worry,” Daniel told Allie one day about a week after they had arrived in Florida. “I am the captain, and they have to respect my command. We'll find that treasure, and we'll bring it back to the Smithsonian where it belongs.”
“But they are the ones who will scuba dive,” Allie said sadly.
That night, things would start to take a turn for the worse. They were out at sea, and during dinner, Sean looked visibly nervous and uncomfortable. Allie kept looking at him, wondering if something was wrong.
That night, Allie awoke to gunfire. She cried out, seeing that Sean had attempted to shoot Daniel in the head but had missed and got the side of his pillow. He was awake now, and trying to tackle Sean and take the gun, because there was no time to find his own. Allie quickly got out of bed and soon moved to help him. But before she could do anything, Sean shot Daniel in his chest. His eyes widened, and he clutched it tightly as he toppled down to the cold floor.
“It's over,” he said. “It's over. No one is coming to help you. Robert and James? I had to kill them because they didn't agree with my plan. And you? You two obviously aren't going to help me do what I want to do.”
“You're an idiot,” muttered Daniel, wincing. “You're not going to be able to operate this ship by yourself if you kill us.”
Sean looked momentarily taken back, and he tried to fire, but missed again. Allie used this opportunity to grab the gun, and she used it to shoot him. Then, she dropped the gun, scared and surprised at what she had just done, and started to cry. She had killed him. She had actually killed someone. Maybe it was in self defense, but still.
Allie decided that there was nothing she could do about it now. She crawled over to Daniel, who wasn't fairing well. His breaths were heavy and becoming sparse.
“Allie--” he whispered hoarsely. “There's a l-life boat in the little hold. It's inf-flatable. You should be able to use it to get to land.”
Allie tried to take one of his bedsheets to stop the bleeding, but she had started to panic all too much. She knew nearly nothing about medicine, and he was loosing blood fast.
All too soon, he took his last breath. Allie leaned over and started to cry. She would get home, she knew. But how would she tell everyone what had happened, how she had failed? But right now she didn't want to think about any of that. She just wanted to cry.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





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Mon Mar 07, 2011 3:55 am
JabberHut says...



Hi! Told you I'd be here! =D

So I read this. And I instantly missed our storybook. xD I may need to re-adopt my character for another story. Anyway! Just a couple things to point out, considering this will be stretched pretty far when you lengthen it in a rewrite.

Allie's so cool. Especially the "endless enthusiasm" bit. I only got a glimpse of that though when she went out of her way to live in DC. Consider showing some examples while she's at work or in school. What kind of enthusiasm is this? If it's just a bubbly personality, I doubt that would get her on the mission. And she may be enthusiastic, but she has to be smart. With this sort of trip, she'd have to really impressed her boss. (Also, I'm not sure if gender might play a role here? Yes, there are women in the Navy, but Allie's not in the Navy, so I'm not sure if they'd be extra cautious about that? That may take some deep research. Not sure. Food for thought!)

Also, a nitpick, but when Sean goes in to shoot Daniel, he misses more than once. I don't think he'd be selected for this mission if he were going to miss so many times. Especially a non-moving target. (It was mentioned he was in the Navy, so he must have some experience here, ja?) Also, if I know Allie (or people like her... like me), she would not just grab the gun like that and shoot someone. Nooo. I dunno if you've shot a gun before, but it's not as easy as it looks. There are a bunch of factors to keep in mind--the wait, the buttons, the safety (Sean might be uber leet enough to put it on safety before she took it. That would be an awesome thing to happen, actually. Consider!), the kick after she pulls the trigger (Some guns have a serious kick which can affect the end result of whether she hits or misses. If the kick's bad, which for her it probably will be, she'll miss. Unless she's, like, a foot away and aiming straight at the middle of his chest. But then, why did Sean miss Daniel? *mind blown*) -- so rethink this scene. A lot. She wouldn't just shake off a murder, even if it was a moment in the past. She seems like someone who grew up with some good morals. Also, blame Papa Hut for my knowledge of guns.

Those are only two points, I guess. There are other parts that are obvious where you can expand. So I just picked at what I had here that stood out rather glaringly. The story itself was good, and I really can't wait to see how your rewrite turns out. There's a lot of gaping holes here which can be filled with more details (i.e. the crew members, the trip itself, etc.), so lots of potential!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  





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Tue Mar 08, 2011 10:59 pm
Milaita says...



Oh, wow. I really do like this. Allie sounds like she likes her job, but her boss makes it harder for her. She and Daniel would have made a very lovely couple, and so far, they already had. Please, keep writing this. I think many of your readers will be appreciative as well. :)
“There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.”- William Shakespeare
  





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Wed Mar 09, 2011 6:35 pm
Sins says...



Ellieeee! ^^

I'm trying out a new reviewing technique here, so you may have to bare with me. I'm going to try and review as I go along. For example, I'm about to comment on the opening of this story without having read the rest of it yet. I just want to give you some first impression feedback, I suppose. So yeah, if you loathe this way of critiquing I'm about to do, let me know, and I'll do another one for you or something. :P

Okay, so the first paragraph. I'm not saying that it's bad, but I do want to say that I think you could do so much more with this beginning. You start off this story by telling us your MCs name, age, where she lives, and a bit about her background. I'm not sure if I'm just hallucinating, but I think I've seen you do this in a story before. Basically, starting a story by telling us a character's name is never really that good of an idea.

If you start something with a line like Josie hated it when her cat spoke to her, it's good because it makes you think, what the hell?! What I mean is that it's not the best idea to literally say, Alison Brown, called Allie, was twenty-nine years old... it's a little... boring, I suppose. I mean, you need a line that grips us. Then as you go on to describe what she'd done for the past few years, it began feeling a little info-dumpy. What I suggest is that you simply spread this information out throughout the story, and don't give it all to us at the beginning.

As I'm reading on, the feeling of telling is still strong. I've just read the part where you say about Allie falling in love. It seems so... sudden. I mean, I want to see her falling in love. On the other hand, I can see why you haven't done this because you had a word limit and this is a short story, so it's not like you really have time to go through all of the details. If you do plan on making this piece longer though, be sure to include details like how Allie fell in love, what it was like while she was waiting to board the ship, the feelings she had when they were setting off to sea e.t.c. Like I've been saying, I can see why you haven't done this, but be sure to do so if you do decide to make this longer. :)

So I've just read the scene where Sean shoots Daniel, which I must say makes a really great addition to the story. I have a slightly worrying love for literature violence... But yeah, I like the touch. One thing I will say though is that I don't think you expressed Allie's emotions as well as you could have in that scene. You said that she was scared, but we didn't really see it. I mean, we did get a taste of her intense emotions, but I think you could have expanded on them. I mean, the guy she loves dies, so you've really got to blare out those emotions. I have a feeling this could be due to limited space/pages/words as well, so I won't press on you too much about it.

Negatives aside, I do like this, Ellie. Like Jabber said, it makes me miss that storybook. I think this has the potential to be seriously epic, so with a bit more of a steady pacing, less of a telly feel and maybe some more expressive emotions, I think it could easily reach that potential. I love the plot and I like how original it is too.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  








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