Young Writers Society

I hope it gives you the creeps! Do complete the story though!



Two years back. I knew a couple that others thought would create a history! Sam and tina.. There was not a single second that they spent separated! There was nothing like them ever! They completed each other. And suddenly.. Everything changed! They would now spend time quarrelling, blaming each other, stressing on hatred! Everyone wondered why..
While others wondered,I cuddled on to him..”Sam,”i said”What if she finds out?” “She wont!”he said confidently.. Firmness and a magnitude that seemed like a tough luck to me. And yet was i scared because what i did was clearly wrong. I was ruining her relationship! If i dreamt of love I had to keep it up all sides. I cant screw with her life i thought.. I had absolutely no rights! And i was doing a perfect job at something i wouldn't dream of on myself. “We shouldn’t...” i said. And that’s exactly when i turned around and i saw her watching us with disgust, tears, disbelief... Feeling torn apart!
‘‘Why?” she asked. Did we have an answer? Yes.. Could we answer? No... Looking at both of us with tears,there was something in her eyes.. And that was not something I could never forget. He tried to hold her as she frantically shoke him. “You’ll regret” she said as she pushed him and ran! Words that haunt me...!
I looked up at him and i was a clear witness to his helplessness. What was i doing? “I’m sorry!”,I said “We can’t do it anymore!”
“I gotta go!”i said and ran in the same direction where Tina left him as he tried to stop me! Needless to say more.. I knew he just stood there in Shock if the recent events that he just stood through were real.. I knew how he felt. Because there was nothing else I could think of. I could not stop.
It is a clear memory! Today i’m graduating! I was waiting for my name to be called for the best outgoing student! Something sam had received when he graduated!I was expecting him to be present for a speech.. But he never turned up!
And there was something that didn't leave me.. Something I just hung on to all through this.I still hated myself. I was still disgusted for what i did that day! I could be so evil.. I never knew!
I walked up the Dias to receive my award when my name was called. I knew that Sam was absent. But some presence around me brought about an old feeling I had when I was in the middle of a break up with him,like there was this thing in my head that said.. That night didn't end appropriately.
I was lost in thoughts. And then i noticed his photograph. I noticed his photograph and then his features.. Thinking of how he meant the Universe to me. As i received the award i read out what was written below it.. When I did it was like the ground i stood on refused to accept my weight. Something that was impossible.. I read that..
He had died? No no.. that is gotta be wrong.. he cant die! That is not what happened! “We regret his death too!” said my principal as he handed over the award! That is impossible. He did not die... And i know it!
“Oh no!” i said as i got off the Dias and made way directly outside. I saw my dad following me.. Probably wondering why I got out of my graduation day. I had insisted after all to him that he has to take an off and be there. I wasn't being fair to him! I didn’t care. He cant die! That is not what happened!
“Wait up!” dad called. I just kept running. Why god... How can he be dead?! He didn’t die! That is not what happened! It wasn’t him! It couldn't be him! That was against all my thoughts. He didn't die. It wasn't him. It was her!
“Sweetheart! Hold on” dad called!
“I killed her dad” I told him” I killed her!”
“What are you talking about?!” he asked.
“Dad..” i said..”I killed her.. We killed her! When i ran from there? He followed me.. I was trying to explain to her that i would leave. I’ll leave her and him! I swear Dad.. She didn’t listen.. I tried my hardest!” i said,panting and exhausted!
I reached the spot where we had buried her! There was a funeral stone there. It was just as dark as it had been that day! Just as scary and deadly and inhuman! I didn’t care for a thing and i started digging! Dad tried to stop me. So i whacked him with my stick! Did i feel sorry? Yes.. Did i care? Absolutely no! I was dying!
“I’m sorry dad!’ i said watching him bleed. He had no strength to get up.” I didn’t mean to kill her! She tried to kill me. She had a huge stone in her hand when i was lyin on the ground..she would kill me dad. She would kill me if Sam wouldn’t strike her with a spade! I swear i tried to explain it to her but she only wanted to kill me!”
I was inside the grave now and i was still trying to dig. I shrieked from inside there. Oh Lord! I was going insane. I was going mad. I didn't feel like myself. I shouted a fearsome scream of this pain,this ruthless truth. Why was i digging that Grave?! I dunno. I killed her there! She had to be there. She was dead! We killed her! He is not dead!
Was it my fear? Was i scared that she is back? I screamed from down the grave. Was i gonna die too? Is this how i get paid? I tried to believe that he was alive! That all that there was, just a mistake. That I had a hope. That this was just a dream. Something that i know that i wasn't wrong that night!
I couldn’t because he was there. Sam was there! How can that be? We had buried her here.. this was her place!
How did he get here?
“HOW DID HE GET HERE?”i shouted. Dad looked down bleeding as he told me that he was missing for days and a trail brought them here and they discovered his body!
She killed him! That was sure. Here.. Where we killed her. Here where i thought i finished something i started. I was wrong.
I looked down in terror as i met her eyes! Dad was trying to climb down. I looked at her trembling. I could only see her eyes in the dark. She was sleeping next to him all these days waiting to catch up with me. There was hatred in those eyes. A thirst for her vengeance. I couldn’t stand those eyes. They terrified me. They made my body feel like it was on fire, like i was a sinner! I was.. Wasn’t i?
“Dad? I love you! But i’m a sinner! I have to be dead!” I had to.. What else? I deserved an End! The kind she didn't deserve. I was a sinner! I was a murderer. And now was my turn.
“Nooo.. Honey listen!” dad kept repeating as he fought his injury to reach down to me. It occurred to me how my life was earlier and how it got after Sam. I did deserve all of this. I tried to remember how it felt like in Sam's arms. Comfortable and right while all those things were wrong. How I would look at him when i first met as a junior and he was the best senior i knew. How long before i had a crush on him and i would wait for one chance to speak to him. After we started dating.. I knew not a thing this would end up like this. All those gifts he gave me.. All those times we met with no one realising a single thing. And then we did something together.. Again. We killed her. And she returned only to chase him down here kill him and now she had me.
But i deserved all that. And i knew that. It was like one good fight with myself. My sins. I was there deep under the soil between the person i murdered and the person who helped me murder her. And he was dead! Deep in that very grave was i.. What was i expecting? What did this have to mean? How do the ends meet?
“I have to die” i said as i hit the spade on my head and made one good strike into my stomach and then my head just the way we did to her. I fell on sam and i watched my dad shout out and cry. And with bloody eyes i saw her eyes.. Pleasure,satisfaction,gain and victory.
I felt death approaching and i knew that she didn’t kill me.
I killed her once and she killed me now.


Thanks for reading this piece! I hope it was worth it.. Do comment. Good or bad!

I found this confusing. The ending just jumps to it a bit. But never mind. Also, your using to many exclamation marks. It's to much and makes the story more happy than it's supposed to pan out to be. That really bothered me.

It wasn't for me, sorry, but please don't take this to heart. But keep writing, I'm sure other people will enjoy it better than I did...

Please return the favour and review my novels. There's two: one with four chapters in so far and one with three. You don't have to review them all, just one chapter will do. Thank you.

Less is more...

If you were telling us the story verbally, I can see why you would use exclamation points. However, in writing, it's a bit different. In writing, you tend to only use exclamation points in dialogue. And even then, you might just italicize the words being yelled/stressed. Exclamation points in writing are like vanilla extract in cooking. A little bit goes a long way. Any more than that and it becomes overwhelming.

Rather than telling us something is supposed to be shocking by adding an exclamation point to the end, try showing us. Most, if not all, of the exclamation points in here can be changed to periods. So, change them to periods or question marks or whatever is fitting, and re-read the story. If it doesn't have the exciting, shocking effect you're going for, you know you need to tweak it some here, maybe some there, until it is what you want it to be.

You might also want to scan through your work real quick and pick out any errors that you see. For example, capitalizing your 'I's, not writing in all caps, having three dots in your ellipses (... instead of ..) and so on. If you have Microsoft Word or a similar word processor with a spelling and grammar checker, you might run it through that and repost. It was a really interesting concept, your story. The exclamation points and grammar errors got in the way of my fully enjoying it, though. If you do edit it and repost, send the link my way, yeah? I'd be happy to read it again once/if you do.

Wow, that all completely went over my head.

Seriously, I am so confused right now. Let me figure this out and you tell me if I got it right or not.

I think I got it right. It was quite hard to see the plot unravelling in your story, Nida. I have to say that. Everything was so ... confusing. I'm sorry for overusing this word, but I don't know how else to say it.
First off, reading over your plot outline there, does that sound at all realistic? You want this to be creepy. The best scary stories are so real it might as well be happening next door - or to you. If it doesn't sound believable or at all real - then it's obviously not going to happen to you, so there's nothing to be scared about.

And are you saying that Sam was buried in the same grave as Tina? There's just no way that would happen.

Also, you never mentioned her father before. So why he was suddenly involved in the climax of your story, I have no idea. Show him getting suspicious of your MC - how she's breaking down and stuff. Then it would make more sense.

Yeah, your ending definitely needs more foreshadowing events leading up to it. You appear to tell rather than show a lot, too. Look at this article. Show us how your MC loves Sam, have her see things that remind her of him. A flower that he got her. Her dad making dinner and she remembers it's Sam's favourite food. Also, while she's with Sam, show that he and Tina had a brilliant relationship. Maybe she's kissing him and everywhere she looks there are photographs of Sam and Tina looking happy, seemingly watching her. Etc, etc. The enjoyment is in the build-up - not just the climax.
I don't think this was as creepy as you could have possibly made it.

I hope I've given you an idea or two...? (:

~EmmaJane~

This story is really confusing. I think you may have plowed through everything too quickly without developing some of the events. You also didn't capitalize many of your 'i's and I caught a few other grammatical errors. You gave a good effort, but I didn't really enjoy this story.

I immediately got lost from the beginning. It seems like you just stuck sentences together, trying to make sense of it. One thing i got really confused on was the end.... You say that you killed her but she didn't kill you, then you say that she did...?

I know that this is a short story and all, but try to make your story more clear next time please?

--Jalmoc

good use of dialogue, but it is a bit confusing in places