Young Writers Society

My heart was racing as I sped through the twisty roads in the dark woods. I could hear the faint whine of the sirens following me, but I knew they were too far behind to catch me. I looked back in the seat to see my prize, all the money from the bank, scattered across the seats. Bills, coins, valuables, everything a man could want. Oh, what I could do with this money!
Grinning, I make a sharp turn onto a smaller non-paved road that was not used frequently. Bumping down the road, my headlights catch the glimmer of an animal's eye in the woods on the bank of the road. The animal foolishly trots out into the middle of the road when I was only a matter of seconds away from passing by. Cursing under my breath, I slammed on my breaks so I could avoid hitting the animal. It was a weird feeling though. Only one hour ago, I was holding innocent people hostage, and I had even shot a few, and yet when a doe crosses the road in front of me, I stop the car.
The doe was looking at me as I was deciding my next move, just staring at me as if I was an alien. She was a beautiful doe with a smooth looking pelt that still had some white spots. I realized I didn't have the time to be admiring an animal. I went to the back seat and brought out the shotgun I used earlier this evening. I made sure it was loaded, and then fired a warning shot into the air. The doe sprints off into the woods, leaving behind a cloud of dust. satisfied, I get back in the car, when I hear the sound of a siren. I hurry but keep fumbling with my keys, but in the end, I was all too late to start the car. An officer was behind his car door, shouting at me through a megaphone. I cursed the doe, for I was so close to getting away. Grimacing, I stepped out of the car with my hands in the air.

Please comment! And a sequel is coming to a theater nea

Nice story!

I just have a few suggestions.

You’re constantly switching between past tense and present tense. “My heart was racing as I sped through the twisty roads in the dark woods.” That’s past tense. “Grinning, I make a sharp turn onto a smaller non-paved road that was not used frequently.” That’s present tense. You do this throughout your story, but you have to stick to either one or the other—both won’t work.

Instead of saying, “a smaller non-paved road that was not used frequently.” just say an old dirt road or something to that effect; it sounds better.

“satisfied, I get back in the car…” You forgot to capitalize satisfied.

Other than that, the story was well done.
Keep up the good work.
Joyce

Thank you for the advice! I guess I do have a problem with past tense and present tense. Grrr.

By the way, my computer lagged, and then ending should say "coming to a theater near you!"

Nice. I love the action, and the driving along the road.
Also, the person is described very human, with his own shortcomings.
Still there was a thing that bothered me:

Bumping down the road, my headlights catch the glimmer of an animal's eye in the woods on the bank of the road. The animal foolishly trots out into the middle of the road when I was only a matter of seconds away from passing by. Cursing under my breath, I slammed on my breaks so I could avoid hitting the animal.

You used the word 'animal' way too much in these three sentences.
Still, I did not see any other mistakes that bothered me, so well done!
Keep up the good work

Hey, Ninja, you’ve got a good thing going here, but you definitely need to work on it some more. The first thing I noticed were technical errors: inconsistency, invalidity, and contradiction. I have a few such ‘trouble’ areas here quoted for your benefit.

My heart was racing as I sped through the twisty roads in the dark woods. I could hear the faint whine of the sirens following me, but I knew they were too far behind to catch me.

In this sentence, you introduce two different emotions for our MC. You say, ‘My heart was racing’ yet contradict that with the next line, ‘I knew they were too far behind to catch me.’ You need to keep his emotions consistent.
You could define his beating heart as being the product of excitement and not fear. You could also just cut that last line, but it does add an important bit of information to the story.

Bills, coins, valuables, everything a man could want.

When robbing a bank, you would want to grab the bank bags with pre-packaged bills; everything wrapped up nice and neat. You would not waste time to snatch coins or valuables. Plus, the valuables in a bank would be in the safe boxes. Taking the time to force the bank clerks to open those safe boxes would take far too long.

Grinning, I make a sharp turn onto a smaller non-paved road that was not used frequently.

You say ‘smaller’, ‘non-paved’ and then go on to mention that the road was not used frequently. This is an overload of information, each bit simply repeating what the last bit said. You could keep the first two, but be sure to cut the last line.

The animal foolishly trots out into the middle of the road when I was only a matter of seconds away from passing by.

Here was where I noticed the inconsistency with your verb tenses. More on that later.
If the car was a matter of seconds away from the deer, he certainly couldn’t have stopped in time. Instead of increasing the time and having to go through the technical difficulties of such an endeavour, just say something like this: “The animal foolishly trotted out into the middle of the road. I slammed the brakes down and just barely missed the collision.”

Cursing under my breath, I slammed on my breaks so I could avoid hitting the animal. It was a weird feeling though.

Here is another example of overloading information. You have already brought the deer into the story, and most people know that the MC wouldn’t want to hit the deer, so why bother telling them why he hit the brakes? It’s very pointless, you should cut out that italicized part.
Also, that last sentence, you start out with another idea. You should make it into a new paragraph.

satisfied, I get back in the car, when I hear the sound of a siren.

This sentence should be capitalized.

I hurry but keep fumbling with my keys, but in the end, I was all too late to start the car.

This scene should contain a lot of energy and emotion, chiefly franticness on the part of the MC. I think you should go over exactly why he couldn’t start the car, and his emotions over such a happening.
Also, after this sentence the police suddenly appear form nowhere. Try to bring them in a little more slowly. It’s called transition.

Now that that’s over, I’d like to talk to you about verb tenses.
You know what verbs are, right? Run, jump, hit, act, move? Well, verb tenses are the different changes you can make to any verb. Let’s wok with jump.

“I jumped.” “We are jumping.” “He will jump.”

In each one of those examples, the action is describe differently. The first one is past tense, meaning that I have already jumped. The second refers to the present, meaning that -as you read this- we are jumping. The final example shows future tense, meaning that the action will occur in the future.
In your story, you switch between the three in an erratic and strange way. You need to decide on one and use it consistently.

I enjoyed reading your story, Ninja! It has massive amount of potential. Seriously, what other bank robber in the world would stop for a deer? I think that part defines his character very much.
Keep writing!

This was really good! It has a lot less spelling errors than most pieces I review, so thank you for that.
So I only have a few things...

cloud of dust. satisfied

As you've probably already been notified by other reviewers far more fierce than I, since satisfied is starting a sentence, it should be Satisfied.

It was a weird feeling though.

comma between feeling and though
The biggest thing is that you switch between past and present tense a lot. Choose one and stick to it.
Okay, keep writing! Never give up! Other inspiring stuff!

I Love How You Describe The Setting! So Much Detail.