Young Writers Society

“Bobbi and Robby sittin’ in a tree.” Zack chanted. “STOP IT ZACK!” Bobbi said. Bobbi was Zack’s twin sister; and Robby, was Zack’s best friend. When Robby met Bobbi at the entrance of the Kerrington woods, they immediately became worst enemies.

“When I tell Robby what you said, he’ll make you go into the Kerrington Woods by yourself.” Bobbi told Zack. The Kerrington woods were located in the backyard of Zack and Bobbi’s house. No one had gone in it since 1996. “Derek Kerrington is probably living in that woods. He didn’t die.” Zack told Bobbi. “ Then how come you’ve never gone in there?” Bobbi was challenged her brother. “ I don’t want to run into Mr.Derek because he is probably a hermit who wants to be left alone.” Zack told Bobbi. “We’ll see about that.”

Bobbi and Zack searched their basement and found an old newspaper. “ Right here in the 1996 newspaper. It says that Mr. And Mrs. Kerrington went in the camping section of the Greeny moss woods and they never came out. Other campers were reported dead. Those people were residents of Balmsbury. One person came out alive and he said that a cougar came and killed everyone.” Bobbi read. “ It’s called the Kerrington woods because they were the only people from Leaveston who died.” Bobbi said. “ I still think that Mr. Derek Kerrington is a hermit.” Zack said. “ I hope you’re ready to go meet Mr.Kerrington.” a voice said.

“Robby? What are you doing here?” Zack asked his friend. “ Bobbi told me what you said. She told me to meet you here to work out a plan to meet Mr. Hermit Crab.” Robby said, just getting started. “ You too scared? Now you’ll know not to sing ‘Bobbi and Robby’. You know I HATE her.” Robby was furious. “ In fact, I’ll send your sister into the woods with you.” Robby started to smile. “ How about I dare you and Bobbi to go into the woods together.” Zack said. Now, he was the one smiling. “ I’ll be at home base. You guys can go there tonight during our sleepover Robby.” Zack said. “ Fine”. Bobbi said. “ Easy”. Robby said.

The woods smelled like smoke. Every tree was covered in green moss. An owl hooted in the distance. “ This is spooky.” Bobbi said. “ Only girls think that.” Robby told Bobbi. “ I hear something.” Bobbi said. She froze. They were in the camping section of the Kerrington woods. In the back of the section was a small log cabin. A burning fire pit was placed in front of it. A woman was tending to the fire.

“Who are you?” Robby asked the woman. “ Mrs. Delighla Kerrington.” The lady said. “Are you a…a…a… ghost?” Robby asked. “ I just want to be left alone.” She told him. A low growl interrupted them as a cougar approached it’s dinner.

To be honest, I'm not sure what to think of this post. I like how you've captured the trio's age group, but some of the language doesn't quite correspond with that. The ending was also a little confusing, and I think you should consider lengthening it, seeing as I'd like to know more. THe end was also a little abrupt, have you thought about a kind of epilogue-y paragraph?
I liked the basic plot, and I think you could make this really good, but it has the gist of something a bit rushed. I think you should take some more time on editing, and check over your grammer. Here were some grammer mistakes that reall made me cringe:
1) Capitalization. This is probably typos, and I'm making a fuss about nothing, but it's very important to check over your work.

Titan4ever wrote:Zack Chanted.

Titan4ever wrote:They were in the camping section of the Kerrington woods.

2) In speech, there is no space after the first speech mark.
3) Phrasing. I'm not going to go into that, because I'm not that good at it, but you may want to read some sentences out loud to yourself, to see how they sound.
Another problem is, you haven't bothered to vary your sentences much, and often just say what happened. Have you heard of "Show Not Tell?" I think this principle would really help you. The idea is to show by illustrating behaviour of your characters rather than just saying. For example:
Rather than: "Bobbi was disheartened by this."
Put: "Bobbi sighed, and turned away."
OVerall, though, this has a good basis, and I think you have the makings of a good author. Please don't be put off by my fussiness; I know how frustrating it is to see how much you've got wrong sometimres.
Keep writing!

Really good so far. Very nice, well done.

Hello titan I like it for some one of your age you've got a very interesting story with a lot of potential. When ever one of your characters says something, start a new line.

"This is spooky." Bobbi said.

"Only girls think that," Robby told Bobbi.

It spaces everything out a little and makes it easier to understand
Also, try adding some discription in between the conversations between the characters.

I liked the ending well done! Keep writing!

Ok, I want to expand on this now.
When a different character speaks, you have to make a new line. This is vital as it can, will, confuse the reader and they won't want to read anymore of your story.




You see how better and easier it is to read, now. If you make those changes, it will look awesome!

Overall, I still think it looks good, but if you use my pointers up there (not the sentances, I couldn't think of any other good sentance structures!) your story will look much neater and clearer.